To be envious of those with lots of children

[Noonesingsthischristmassong]

I’m talking four children really, or more if you’re very wealthy.
I’ve always loved kids but was never massively maternal. Dh and I then started trying for kids and it took 9 years and lots of losses. We now have an amazing Dd and frozen embryos, but I’m 44 so thinking it’s too late now anyway.
I adore Dd but am a person who likes/needs space and don’t get it and have found motherhood hard at times..my head says I’d be crazy to want lots of kids as it’s hard work and life is more stressful etc. But I often look at those with four or so kids and think how nice it would be, you’d never be lonely, a bustling, full house, four children with their different personalities, four times feeling that love of having a child. All your children around you in your old age.
I travelled lots when younger and had a great career, but sometimes wonder how different life would have been if I’d just put more importance on family and tried to conceive younger and maybe have a big family full of love.

After spending the evening with a friend who is the youngest of five, it's not always the Hallmark movie you think it is!
Her parents were loving and caring and she would describe all her siblings as close, but she said she remembers spending a lot of time alone and getting away with not brushing her teeth for months as there was just so many them. She also says she doesn't remember her mother ever sitting down to eat with them. Her family was traditional - dad went out to work, mum ran the house and kids. When her parents were ill it was her and one sister looking out for them, the brothers were 'too busy' (both women had full time jobs and young kids) and another lived abroad.
I occasionally think of I had more kids I too would have a Walton Christmas- I have two and I'm a widow. I have two siblings but they live in another country.
The reality is that I too am not that maternal and I found two (plus two older residential step kids) my limit.
I had them in my 40s by the way.

I am one of two and close to my sister. I blithely assumed that all my kids (I have three) would be similar. The different dynamics between different sibling pairs has been one of the hardest parts of having more than two. I have really struggled with the fact that my two girls are the pair that fight the most and are least close. I also think as they get older my oldest will probably pull away more and be more independent than the other two. I think everyone loves the idea of a big close knit family but just because you have lots of kids doesn’t automatically mean everyone is super close.

I have worked quite hard for the balance where we get one on one time with each but it does require time, effort and money. I certainly don’t want any more!

Sorry but this is neglect regardless of the amount of children. Not ensuring a child brushes their teeth is disgusting and it just means she had shit parents, nothing to do with the number they had! Not sitting down for a meal is circumstantial. My friend has 1 child and they never sit down together for a meal as they cannot afford childcare so have to work round each other. Their house isn’t big enough for a table so they eat on their laps. We have 2 dining tables and have every evening meal together. It’s nothing to do with the number of children; it’s the circumstances and the parenting.

I am one of 4 our younget sibling is 14 years younger then my self and we are very close! I take him on holiday with my own family as hes still a child and we speak everyday,my other two siblings we are not close.
I also have 4 children my self and I'm a stay at home mother they get plenty of attention by both parents still get partys for there birthdays 3-4 holidays a year and go to activities out side of school as well.
As a mother I get shown lots of love and respect and I love having 3 girls!! And my little boy hes such a joy!
I also dont go to bed until midnight as I clean ect once they are sleeping and I'm also the first one up and find little time to my self but wouldn't have it any other way!
But it is pure joy!!

Yes life is always much easier when you’ve got a huge house and lots of money. Maybe add that as a disclaimer to your post so you don’t sound so much like you can’t appreciate why others/the majority wouldn’t have peace with 4 kids and don’t know what they worry about 🙄

I only had one due to becoming a single parent. All I wanted back then were more children. But now I wished I’d focused more on the one I did have. It goes so quickly.

I’m your age now and have lost all desire for babies thank god. I seem to crave lots of cats though and I also really like dogs, which I used to hate. So my goal in life is to have lots of pets.

And just as I scroll up I see you mentioning how your friend doesn’t have space for a table, but you have 2 dining tables, just dropping it casually… Hmmmm

I have 5 sons, but only two with me I lost three of them late in pregnancy. I know exactly how you feel I'd love to have all 5 around the Christmas tree, they'd be 4 now and cheeky as ever probably running around with nerf guns with their older brothers.

You wouldn't find four kids with a vomiting bug on the same night so idyllic, trust me...

If you have frozen embryos, there's no reason why you couldn't have another, OP.

It isn't a choice between one child or 4+ children.

A couple of my friends from school went on to have big families (1 has 5 the other has 7!) They seem to absolutely love it.
Personally my idea of absolute hell.
I have 2 (7 years apart) and honestly as much as I love them to bits, sometimes I wish I'd stayed at 1 or even none.

I think you might be viewing having lots of children through rose tinted specs because you are also trying to come to terms with the idea of stopping at 1 child.

I don't think there is a magic number and every family is different but remember that the image you have will only be a tiny part of family life and there are certainly an equal number of negatives to larger family sizes.

As you say yourself, you need space of your own so the reality of a large family would probably not be very enjoyable for you. You could try inviting people to join you for celebrations or holidays to get that bustling vibe without it being a permanent drain on you. We have 2 dc which I appreciate isn't quite the same as you (but thet brings it's own challenges) We always meet up with wider family for Christmas. Go camping with another family in the summer. Invite loads of dc's friends over Halloween parties etc.

What am I dropping casually? There was no casual drop about it; I’m explaining the difference between having the money and space to have 4 comfortably. What’s confusing about that?

I don't think there's anything that's better than the other. I'm an only and so close with my parents. They took me on so many lovely holidays. I have fondest memories snuggling in sofa watching old movies with mum. Cycling with dad. And playing cards. I went to loads of different activities so was always busy but loved my own space at home to read or just be alone.

Can you copy and paste where I say I don’t know what people worry about with 4 please? I can’t seem to find it nor recall typing it?

This!

There are so many positives to being a mum of a single child, maybe look at those?

Time- for yourselves, for your DD, as a couple, family more likely to cope with babysitting one child

Money- less childcare, less food bills, easier to work full time, can afford to give child more experiences, more holidays, can save more and don’t need to work as long- can afford to get them bike/ phone/ help with uni etc

Energy- more energised having less cleaning/ washing/ care etc and not devoting energy to more IVF, less chance of dealing with fighting children, more peaceful home

Age appropriate- can do things without younger or older siblings to hold back

Space- no need for bigger house, can have a small car, less clutter

Health- less birth injuries, pnd, breastfeeding pain, pregnancy weight, better peace of mind and less stressed, avoiding further ivf injections, procedures, medications etc

Connection- hopefully close relationship with child and less strained marriage

Age- chance of abnormalities increased with age, miscarriage would be painful, means you get to spend more childfree time at the other end, won’t be very old parents

Portability- easier to travel with one child

Environment- much lower impact and easier to focus on environmentally friendly choices

I have 4 op. And all young aged 3 to 9. Yes it is lovely and there are times when it's funking stressful! It will get easier as they get older. But by the time my youngest is in secondary school I would have spent 19 years raising children. We don't have any help and dh works nearly 7 days a week and I do all his admin.

It's not an easy life at all. I think your life sounds ideal and it really is Rose tinted glasses.

I'm sure it will be better when my kids are older but larger families do come with sacrifices. I haven't been out socially in 9 years as I don't have child care and now we have 4 I don't know anyone who would want to look after 4 kids. Don't blame them. Appointments are a nightmare to navigate. Especially when covid was rife because I couldn't take any of the others with me to any Appointments. So I didn't go. Now I have some issues that are harder to resolve because they had to wait.

It's difficult to go to all their activities, performances etc

Take heart op I think 1 or 2 is a good number

I can understand where you're coming from. I never thought we'd only have one, but I've found it so difficult that I know the best decision for my mental and physical health is not to have any more. I'd never realised before just how much I value independence, time alone and SLEEP. I developed insomnia after my child was born (and still struggle with it) and there are never enough hours in a day anymore to spend time with my husband or friends consistently. Plus I love to travel to other countries (something that is important to me and I'm not willing to sacrifice)and the price is completely unaffordable with more than one child.

I do feel pangs of sadness and longing when I see pregnant women or families with multiple children, but I know I need to think rationally about what I can realistically cope with. Hang in there x

I have 3 but I had a big gap between DC1 and DC2, so I have been there desperately wishing he had a sibling. It was worth it for me, but I am younger.

Damn-it! I clicked YANBU by accident.

I have one child, he’s 17 1/2 and he’s actually a really good kid. He can argue and he can be very entitled at times, which drives me nuts, but he’s never gotten into real trouble, so I’m incredibly proud of him.

Even though I love him to bits! I am starting to get incredibly excited at the prospect of him starting work/uni; going off to live with a partner or friends and being an independent adult. It doesn’t seem too far away….and then I can enjoy my own independence pahahaha!!!

I can have cheaper holidays! The food in my kitchen will last so much longer! There wasn’t be anyone setting the alarms off at 3am because they’ve decided to make (and burn) toast!

I’ll be FREEEEEEEEEEEEEE (crazy laughter)
and I can’t believe anyone would want more kids to spoil that feeling.

Just wanted to reiterate that I do love my son, very, very much….but teenagers…they can be mean and selfish! Roll on adulthood 😁

Just to add, whenever I start doubting our choice to only have one, I think of a mum of 3 that I know who is completely unable to socialise on any weekday evening because she and her husband have to ferry the kids to several different activities simultaneously. They also both work full time, live in a large, new build home and regularly run out of money each month. And I'm sure they're not the only family living like this. Not my cup of tea.

I wonder if people would appreciate those with more children scanning their social circle to pick out cautionary tales of those with only one and offering them up as evidence of having made the right choice?

I have 2 and could not manage any more than that. They have a beautiful bond and are playing upstairs together right now.

Even with two I find splitting attention hard, keeping up with school,my work, events, the school run in 2 different schools, homework, illnesses. The fighting also drives me up the wall.

That's with 2 parents and healthy children.

I often think how peaceful life would be just with one. Right on time a fight has broken out upstairs and I will now have to go and intervene

An old friend had her 10th over lockdown, and I genuinely worry for her. (Still enmeshed in religious beliefs, etc)

I don't think it's a healthy life for any of them, having a large brood myself.