To be envious of those with lots of children

[Noonesingsthischristmassong]

I’m talking four children really, or more if you’re very wealthy.
I’ve always loved kids but was never massively maternal. Dh and I then started trying for kids and it took 9 years and lots of losses. We now have an amazing Dd and frozen embryos, but I’m 44 so thinking it’s too late now anyway.
I adore Dd but am a person who likes/needs space and don’t get it and have found motherhood hard at times..my head says I’d be crazy to want lots of kids as it’s hard work and life is more stressful etc. But I often look at those with four or so kids and think how nice it would be, you’d never be lonely, a bustling, full house, four children with their different personalities, four times feeling that love of having a child. All your children around you in your old age.
I travelled lots when younger and had a great career, but sometimes wonder how different life would have been if I’d just put more importance on family and tried to conceive younger and maybe have a big family full of love.

I feel a bit the same but think it's loss related for me. I have 2 DC, took 10 years to have them and have had a mc. I know I could stop and have the loveliest little family, I'm incredibly lucky to have my two. DH would be on board if I said let's not put ourselves through this again.

I'm absolutely terrified to try again but I can't say I'm done. Can't bring myself to chuck out the baby gear, probably going to keep myself super depressed trying and failing to conceive. Wonder if I'll ever feel like our family is complete because there's always one missing.

I’m one of four. I remember arguments, ALWAYS having to share, never quite enough attention, room or money. Now one doesn’t see or talk to our parents, one lives in another country andthe other two have minimal contact with them. I can take or leave my siblings. I have one child.

Sorry, I voted YABU as it doesn’t sound like you’d have coped well with 4 or more children… having had my four children over a 15 year period, I chose to sacrifice a career until my 40s and my younger children have only experienced two foreign holidays in ten years due to no spare money.
I second guess myself all the time and never feel I can please everyone at the same time. So I can be a good mum to one or two at a time… but rarely all four children. Yes life can be fun at times and certainly busy… four times the expense, four times the hobbies and interests to ferry kids to, four times the angst and four times the heartache.
i always knew I wanted children and have been so very blessed to have overcome the odds to have them and lucky to not have experienced any losses so I do feel incredibly grateful and fortunate. But I think your life sounds pretty damn great too… a career and travel and a much- wanted child to dote on who will want for nothing. Im sorry for your losses though. Even if your family is smaller it is still a family full of love I’m sure.

Why wouldn't they?

I had five OP. It was pretty mental but it was actually in their teens/20s that the real stress (and ultimately a tragedy) occurred. As children it was freaking busy and chaotic but I was very young and tough. I'd have hated to go through what we have in the last few years if I were in my 60s now.
My DDs have each stuck at 1 DC so far and they find they have the best of both worlds. My close friend also has an "only". Her sister had 7. Her sister's life is one crisis after another whereas my friend has a lovely relationship with her 25 yr old DS. And he had the benefit of her being able to afford everything he needed plus a large pot of savings she gave him when he left hone.
I love my children but if I had my time again, knowing what i do now, I'd have stuck at one. Or maybe not had any.
We all wonder about what we don't have but you have to make peace with it or wondering turns to obsessing. Enjoy your lovely DC.

I have 2. I would love to have 3 or 4 BUT that would mean being a different person.

I just couldn't cope with more pregnancies physically. And mentally/emotionally I am drained with the 2 I have. But they are ND (and I expect I am too).

As it is, I throw myself into being the best mum I can and we have a lot of fun. I also do everything in my power to support them getting the help they need.

I would love to have given them more siblings but I have to acknowledge that it would have broken me. But I still wish I had been mentally able to have more..

I pity any schmuck who has more than two. Absolute nightmare.

Is this supposed to be poetry?

I'm in the same situation now OP. I always wanted 4 kids as I felt that growing up with only 1 sibling was so dull but it never happened and now I have just one DD who is 4 and I feel desperately sad for her and wish I could go back in time and focus on family rather than career. I am 41 now and trying to have another but at the same time I feel I am passed the baby stage and don't really want to go through it all again and value my freedom and space. I think about this every day and it makes me so sad.

I have 4, sort of accidentally. It's wonderful BUT so expensive especially when they are older. And very hard to give them the attention that is expected nowadays.

I am sorry you feel this way @Noonesingsthischristmassong and yes, and I don't mean to sound rude but you did ask.... 44 is too old to try for another baby - you'll be 45 when you have the baby. Too old by far IMO.

Also, you seem to have some romanticised idea of this big lovely cuddly family like you get in Disney movies. Real life is not like that for many. My mom's 2 sisters (my maternal aunts) have 7 kids between them, (one 4, one 3.) All 7 are my cousins.

In the one lot with 4 siblings, the 2 don't speak to the other 2. And the other lot with 3 siblings; all 3 don't speak, and haven't for some 15 years. Totally separate lives, and all the children of those 3 siblings (8 in all) don't know their cousins. In addition, my 2 aunts fell out 3 or 4 years ago and have not spoken since.

I also know about half a dozen families with 5 to 8 siblings. Not ONE family has all the siblings who get on. Many are estranged and have split into little factions of 2 and 3. Some of the families have one member who is estranged, and has been pushed out of the family for some reason or other.

I have a brother, who I have always got on with OK, but frankly I never see him. He moved away some 12 years ago to the other side of the world, and I have seen him twice (in 2012 and 2014.) I don't even know my 2 nephews. (They're 11, and 9 now.) Same story with my DH. One brother, never been best mates but never enemies either. Just drifted apart... Hasn't seen him for 4 years. (He lives 50 miles from us.)

Real life is not like in the movies, or like Corrie and Eastenders where everyone lives closeby and is always there for one another.

I feel like it WAS like that some 40+ years ago, for me anyway. 7 cousins, a brother, large extended family, 4 grandparents, many friends... all within walking distance, big Christmases, beach holidays with 10 of us in 2 cars, and lovely long hot summers with 15 or so kids from the neighbourhood.... Playing footie, netball, hopscotch, and hide and seek, and cycling for miles, playing in the woods, and staying out from 9am til 9pm some days in the holidays and at weekends. Not like that now. Hasn't been for a LONG time.

I blame women being expected to go out to work, and have a career whilst also having a family, and the incredibly shit pay most people have now... (along with the high cost of living.) Community Spirit has gone, mums HAVE to work as well as dads to make ends meet, many couples don't stay together anymore, and families are fractured, and live at different ends of the country (and even different ends of the world.)

The life I knew pre mid 1980s has long gone......... And as I say, the big Disney family you speak of, really does not exist. Well, there probably are a handful, but probably less than 1% of families.

My 2 DC get on well (both mid to late 20s,) but even THEY moved away and live 15-20 miles from me and DH and about 10 miles from each other. And they only see each other maybe once a month. Me and DH see them together (all 4 of us,) maybe 7 or 8 times a year. So again, they didn't stay in the community. Their careers took them away. They live in urban areas now. Me and DH prefer the little rural village we live in.

As someone who now has zero chance of having any children. I do feel sad seeing anyone with small children now. Bastard cancer!

We have 5 and feel very lucky . It was mad when they were small. Now they are age 19 down to 12 .
They are such fun and there is nothing more I love than us all being together. Eldest is now at university ( local , in Dublin ) and am so grateful as couldn't bear her to leave yet !!!
I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional family so feel especially thankful for every day with my gang !

We have one but we can afford a few more. Every time I think I want more kids, I give my nanny a day off and I get bloody exhausted with a very active baby. I'm glad when she comes back and I'm firmly back into 'nope, I'm done' camp.

The thread of exhausted parents of adult children helped me. It shows children are a constant hard work even when they grow up, so I am going to reserve my energy for the one I already have.

Does your DD have lots of friends? I have a sister (2 years apart) but we never played together, we preferred our own friends instead.

Sorry to hear that would be hard. Hope you have nieces or nephews. A lady I knew didn't have kids but she had two gorgeous spaniels, they were literally her babies and filled her life with so much love.
I know it's not the same.
X

@PurpleButterflyWings not to derail - but before modern contraception a woman having a baby at 50 was far from unheard of.

if it was me and I had the embryos I’d get them implanted. 45 is not too old.

We needed IVF for our first, and I remember when we were trying, always thinking how much I'd like 3 or 4 children. I am due our 2nd any day now, conceived without IVF (I'm 32). Now I feel it's possible to have more, I think I'm probably happy with just the 2. There's nothing like thinking / knowing you can't have something that makes you romanticise it in your mind.

If you crave being around more children / having a bustling house, you could always have cousins / extended family over if you have any, or lots of your DC friends if not. That way you can get them to leave too, when you are tired of the noise!

@melcalfe if either of my siblings do have children I'm afraid I would have to go low or no contact for my own mental wellbeing. Call me selfish if you will but it is too hard. Both have succeeded in life in every way and I have fucked mine up.
I have had to reduce contact with my friends with children for the same reason. I'm too angry and it's too hard

I was an only child and never ever felt lonely, but then I had a lot of cousins that I spent lots of time with. Also, with multiple children, there's no guarantee they'll get on (particularly as they get older and get married and BILs and SILs are involved!).

I also know lots of large families and it is a choice to have a "chaotic" and "noisy" house - most I know are very peaceful and yes, busy, but not overwhelming.

People who have ivf and are older make better parents? Based on what?

My close friend has 4 and when we hang out I’m always very happy we stopped at 3. Her dc are lovely but dominate everything. Maybe it’s character more than numbers. Having one is a different dynamic. You can invite friends to join for holidays etc (that’s what I’ve seen families do).

I'm.one of 5. The oldest. In my 50s now. No kids of my own. Was never bothered. If the opportunity had come to havr kids early enough I would not have wanted a big family. I think if there is plenty of money and space etc,it makes life easier. We didn't have that as kids. There is a bit of a contradiction if you like the idea of a big family yet you like ur own space. As a compr6why not discussing getting a pet?

I know what you mean OP.
I have 1 DD and although I think about another I may be too old, plus I love my space.
I love the idea of having several adult children, but I'm just not cut out for it.
My partner is one of 4 and they are all pretty close. My MIL said although it was very hard she loved the laughter when they were growing up.

I have six children, ages 19, 18, 16, 12, 9, and 6. We have enough space (large end terrace), but I don't have enough time. Life threw a curve ball a few years ago and I had to take up full time work after being a sahm for many years.

The older DC don't all get along, unfortunately, but life is long and time may change things. Several of the children are ND, which further complicates a complicated situation, but they weren't diagnosed until everyone was here, so that's that.

I have mixed feelings about having chosen this path in life; I used to be religious and now I'm not. As a result I had a network of support with extended family and church friends; now I don't. I never expected to be raising a large family without wider support, but I am.

I do my best and we muddle along.

I have 4 and it is lovely but you never have any time to yourself and no space.