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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be envious of those with lots of children

192 replies

Noonesingsthischristmassong · 22/12/2022 22:51

I’m talking four children really, or more if you’re very wealthy.
I’ve always loved kids but was never massively maternal. Dh and I then started trying for kids and it took 9 years and lots of losses. We now have an amazing Dd and frozen embryos, but I’m 44 so thinking it’s too late now anyway.
I adore Dd but am a person who likes/needs space and don’t get it and have found motherhood hard at times..my head says I’d be crazy to want lots of kids as it’s hard work and life is more stressful etc. But I often look at those with four or so kids and think how nice it would be, you’d never be lonely, a bustling, full house, four children with their different personalities, four times feeling that love of having a child. All your children around you in your old age.
I travelled lots when younger and had a great career, but sometimes wonder how different life would have been if I’d just put more importance on family and tried to conceive younger and maybe have a big family full of love.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 22/12/2022 23:20

I love the idea, but I would not love (or be able to cope with) the reality AT ALL.

UmbilicusProfundus · 22/12/2022 23:20

Totally can’t relate. I think I would be much happier with just the one. The constant bickering and fighting is relentless and exhausting. I don’t recognise your fantasy family!

FourTeaFallOut · 22/12/2022 23:25

Yea, I can see the appeal. I like the idea of a tribe - four/ maybe five children? And I honestly think I could handle that, no problem, if it weren't for the five pregnancies and five rounds of the newborn exhaustion. So it's three and out for me.

Byfleet · 22/12/2022 23:26

@Dacadactyl I don’t understand why you think a 50 year old parenting a new born is funny. In my 50s I was far fitter than in my 30s and 40s because I took better care of myself, stopped binge drinking etc. I am in my 60s now and perfectly fit enough to take care of a baby. There is no reason at all why someone in their 50s would find this difficult. Most people don’t choose to do it but that doesn’t mean it’s not possible.

BabyFour2023 · 22/12/2022 23:30

Keyansier · 22/12/2022 22:56

you’d never be lonely, a bustling, full house

Alternatively, you'd never have any alone time, or a quiet, peaceful house!

This isn’t true in my case. I grew up as one of 4 and we all had our own bedrooms as well as 2 reception rooms downstairs so plenty of space for alone time. I never felt I didn’t have the space to be by myself if I wanted to be or that our home was chaotic.
Mine is now at times, with my 3, but we also have lots of quiet times when we sit down to watch a film or when we’re all doing activities. Today, for example; DD was upstairs practising on her keyboard (granted not quiet & peaceful) DS1 was building a Lego set and DS2 was colouring. It’s not 100% madness having a house with lots of people.

Ivyonafence · 22/12/2022 23:33

@BabyFour2023

It's not madness if you are wealthy enough to spread out.

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/12/2022 23:35

@Noonesingsthischristmassong

no guarantee you’d have all your children around you in your old age

they’ll probably have their own lives and won’t live close by. May not even be in the same country

picnicshicnic · 22/12/2022 23:35

@Noonesingsthischristmassong Yes I feel pretty much the same as you.

I have two. I would love more. Because I love the fantasy of a happy, bustling family. Kids having the security of being part of a "gang".

In reality, I just don't think I could handle it.

No offence to any working mums with 4+ kids, but I just don't see how it would be possible. I think to have that many kids you would need to be a SAHM.

We couldn't afford that. I have to work. I also feel I'm too old for more. I will be 39 next year.

I struggle with the two I have. I have a demanding job (4 days per week) and I struggle with keeping on top of everything.

I think it must be very hard to adequately see to multiple childrens needs, even as a SAHM. And this is borne out by the larger families that I know. I know a few familys with 4,5 and 8 (!) siblings. In these families the siblings are all much closer to each other than they are to the parents. Which is lovely, in some ways. But in others I do feel it's sad that the parent / child bond has been diluted by so many kids (less one on one time over the years etc). And this is diluted even further when grandkids come along. Lovely for them to have so many aunts / uncles / cousins, but to the grandparents there is an element of them being just one of many.

I do think though that if I had started younger and planned my life better, 3 would have been a good number.

BabyFour2023 · 22/12/2022 23:36

YANBU OP. It’s very difficult when your reality isn’t what you envisaged or when you feel your options are limited and it’s out of your control.
Personally, I wouldn’t let your age stop you going ahead and trying with your frozen embryos as I feel you may regret not doing so further down the line. When you’re say, 50 you may look back and think why on earth did I think I was too old all those years ago.

Tropicaliyes · 22/12/2022 23:36

Since you have frozen embryos, you having more children is more doable than others that are older although it would make you higher risk than if you was younger however if this really is not something you want to explore then have you considered fostering or adopting?

for the poster saying about older people looking after children… how ironic since before the pandemic it was extremely common for parents to put their kids in their parents (children's grandparents) care. It was never something they struggled with and they were 50+! I couldn’t imagine they are not still doing it now so I don’t see the issue with an older parent provided they are not so old they will die not long after giving birth or in the child’s early life (that’s not something we see often but it’s becoming more common now clinic help is a thing).

BabyFour2023 · 22/12/2022 23:36

Ivyonafence · 22/12/2022 23:33

@BabyFour2023

It's not madness if you are wealthy enough to spread out.

What isn’t madness?

Cassillero · 22/12/2022 23:41

I've got 3 but there's a 7 year age gap between my twins and my youngest and I do regret not having a 4th. But then, if I'd had 4 I wonder if I'd regret not having 5? I do really understand where you're coming from, especially now the 2 oldest are adults and no longer live here, I would love a busy household again. We'll have grandchildren though hopefully. And we could actually fill our homes with friends and parties if we wanted!

LillyLeaf · 22/12/2022 23:47

I question this a lot and recently started a thread about wanting to know people's positives about have an only child. I had ivf and miscarriages, I don't have any embryos left so it would mean starting all over again. I'm nearly 40 and trying to come to terms with an only. Our life is great and one toddler certainly keeps us busy, more would be hard and we have no support. I feel like we lost years ttc and going through treatment, our life was on pause, I just want to get on with it now and put all that behind us but I know it's hard.

Dyra · 22/12/2022 23:51

As eldest of five, I say with experience, that it had its positives and negatives.

Mum and Dad practically bent backwards to make Christmas special for us. I have a horrible feeling they went into debt every year to make it so. But at the time it was wonderful. Just us, loads of presents, tonnes of food, then watching all the Christmas TV in the evening.

The rest of the year though, not as great. Very little to no one on one time with either parent. Zero personal space or boundaries. Especially as there was only one bathroom. Everything had to be shared. Very, very little money for anything else.

I have two children of my own. DH wants to stick at two, while I would like a third. No more than that though. No way. Nuh uh. 4 is too many. 2 is almost, but not quite, enough.

Ivyonafence · 22/12/2022 23:52

@BabyFour2023

I was just providing some context as your situation doesn't apply to everyone. You are saying that 3/4 children can be calm and doable, by describing how it worked in your large childhood home and your (presumably large enough) current home.

If there is a lot of room, and ample resources then a lot of the difficult aspects of a large family won't touch you.

BabyOnBoard90 · 22/12/2022 23:52

YANBU unreasonable. Though I'd say grass is always greener.

I'm oldest of 4, and my mother is not maternal. Siblings currently are super close and are all teetering on estranged with mother. I suppose my point is, there are pros and cons.

antelopevalley · 22/12/2022 23:54

DP comes from a big family. They had a lovely childhood but not are close as adults as they are all so different. You have a stereotype in your head that does not play out. Also with more children you have a greater risk of disabilities.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 22/12/2022 23:55

I'm jealous of emotionally healthy families......that's what makes for a.happy family, not the size of it.

antelopevalley · 22/12/2022 23:57

Byfleet · 22/12/2022 23:26

@Dacadactyl I don’t understand why you think a 50 year old parenting a new born is funny. In my 50s I was far fitter than in my 30s and 40s because I took better care of myself, stopped binge drinking etc. I am in my 60s now and perfectly fit enough to take care of a baby. There is no reason at all why someone in their 50s would find this difficult. Most people don’t choose to do it but that doesn’t mean it’s not possible.

Parenting a newborn is fine. But parenting a teenager in your seventies is very different.

ridemesideway · 22/12/2022 23:58

DH Is one of four. All perfectly spaced two years apart in age.
Two live abroad. None of them are close as adults.
The bustling house doesn’t last for long.

Ginger1982 · 22/12/2022 23:59

Noonesingsthischristmassong · 22/12/2022 23:16

Is two the magic number?

There is no magic number. 2 is just trotted out by the media to try and project an image of what they consider to be the perfect life. So many folk buy into it too.

BabyFour2023 · 22/12/2022 23:59

Ivyonafence · 22/12/2022 23:52

@BabyFour2023

I was just providing some context as your situation doesn't apply to everyone. You are saying that 3/4 children can be calm and doable, by describing how it worked in your large childhood home and your (presumably large enough) current home.

If there is a lot of room, and ample resources then a lot of the difficult aspects of a large family won't touch you.

Sorry, I get it now! Yes absolutely agree with you. It would be completely different trying to raise 4 in a small 2 bed without a doubt. We are lucky with space, as I was growing up.

PyongyangKipperbang · 23/12/2022 00:00

Are you wishing you had a big family or wishing that you were a different kind of person who could have coped with a big family?

I have 6 and I have to say....it wasnt easy. It wasnt all big hugs and siblings loving each other and instaworthy moments in patching pj's, it still isnt with the eldest at 32 and the youngest at 11. Bad days (for me) outweighed the good over the years. I wouldnt change it for the world but a fantasy always ends well, real life....not so much.

Yes they will have each other but also........they will have each other. You know? Just read MN to see how many siblings fall out over the years.

Accepting who and how you are can be the biggest gift you can give to yourself. As someone who also had a lot of losses over the years, I am sorry xx

RewildingAmbridge · 23/12/2022 00:04

@Noonesingsthischristmassong the noise, the mess, the bickering, the ability to trash a room in seconds, the sheer relentless chaos , and triple the amount of Lego to tread on 😂

bumblybeehive · 23/12/2022 00:05

I'm the same OP. Have one dc and am almost 37 but I have no family myself and dh family aren't interested at all.

Wish everyday I could have another but don't even own a house and been saving forever and would quite like to head towards being financially stable vs broke with more dc. Have many friends with 3+ dc and love the noise at theirs vs our very quiet home. Sigh. I remind myself I am happy to have at least one having had losses too. Sorry for your losses also.