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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be envious of those with lots of children

192 replies

Noonesingsthischristmassong · 22/12/2022 22:51

I’m talking four children really, or more if you’re very wealthy.
I’ve always loved kids but was never massively maternal. Dh and I then started trying for kids and it took 9 years and lots of losses. We now have an amazing Dd and frozen embryos, but I’m 44 so thinking it’s too late now anyway.
I adore Dd but am a person who likes/needs space and don’t get it and have found motherhood hard at times..my head says I’d be crazy to want lots of kids as it’s hard work and life is more stressful etc. But I often look at those with four or so kids and think how nice it would be, you’d never be lonely, a bustling, full house, four children with their different personalities, four times feeling that love of having a child. All your children around you in your old age.
I travelled lots when younger and had a great career, but sometimes wonder how different life would have been if I’d just put more importance on family and tried to conceive younger and maybe have a big family full of love.

OP posts:
ArmadilloExperience · 23/12/2022 08:35

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 22/12/2022 23:55

I'm jealous of emotionally healthy families......that's what makes for a.happy family, not the size of it.

Agreed.

I was one of five siblings. We had enough financially and materially. We didn't have anywhere near enough emotional support. It was very damaging.

I have two children. It's the right amount for us.

BabyFour2023 · 23/12/2022 09:10

RambamThankyouMam · 23/12/2022 00:18

I pity any schmuck who has more than two. Absolute nightmare.

Nightmare 😂

Lemonademoney · 23/12/2022 09:16

JubileeTrifle · 22/12/2022 23:00

I am the youngest of 5 and I was very lonely. The 2 closest in age were boys and past a certain point we just didn’t gel. I was a very quiet child and they weren’t. I spent a lot of time on my own until I was old enough to go out on my own. We still don’t get on at all as I am very different to them.

I was about to say the same. I’m the middle child of 5 and felt I had little to no time with my parents, I have 3 dc if my own and constantly worry they feel they haven’t had enough attention.

KimberleyClark · 23/12/2022 09:18

I would have been happy with one had we been able to have any, but I wouldn’t have wanted more than two.

Sceptre86 · 23/12/2022 09:18

Four kids equals a shed load more work and much less time to yourself. If you're the kind of person who needs time to yourself and has found it hard with one then you would likely struggle with 4. You are looking at it in a very idealistic manner without considering any of the practicalities! No harm in being wistful op but 4 is a big leap from 1.

Cuppasoupmonster · 23/12/2022 09:19

I’m one of 5. Overall, I wouldn’t change it. We have our ups and downs like any family members but are very much there for each other when the shit hits the fan, and have a great time when we finally all get together for a gathering. Lots of shared funny memories over the years. Yes it did mean our parents didn’t have much time for us individually but in the long run I think a close sibling is just as much of a benefit, maybe even more. Im 25 weeks pregnant with DC2 and have had HG, I swore when I was being sick that I could never go through pregnancy again but now it’s eased off I’m already wondering about number 3 🤔

Lelophants · 23/12/2022 09:21

I’m the same as you but know in reality it would be too much. I always wanted a family of 4.

Saying this op. You could try again now and get 3!

Sidking · 23/12/2022 09:21

I absolutely LOVE the idea of a big family, cheaper by the dozen style. In reality we just about manage with the 2 we have!

Who knows, I may thrive with that many to look after, but there's also a high chance many of them would be ND (currently at least 50% of our household is). The last one landed me in hospital for a week with bleeding before being born premature (only just and needed no intervention thankfully), and we simply couldn't afford any more

I can imagine it's bloody hard work, in my head there's enough of them to entertain each other, everyone would get on fairly well etc but do they really? Or do they all just keep each other awake and beat seven shades of shit out of each other? 😂😂

SpinningFloppa · 23/12/2022 09:21

I have 4 but I find it extremely tough as I’m a
lone parent (ex not involved) yes the house is always loud as they fight constantly and don’t get on, I also never get any time alone as no one will have 4. I often feel jealous of those with only one (though I don’t wish them away I just see how much easier it would have been)

Lenald · 23/12/2022 09:22

Noonesingsthischristmassong · 22/12/2022 22:51

I’m talking four children really, or more if you’re very wealthy.
I’ve always loved kids but was never massively maternal. Dh and I then started trying for kids and it took 9 years and lots of losses. We now have an amazing Dd and frozen embryos, but I’m 44 so thinking it’s too late now anyway.
I adore Dd but am a person who likes/needs space and don’t get it and have found motherhood hard at times..my head says I’d be crazy to want lots of kids as it’s hard work and life is more stressful etc. But I often look at those with four or so kids and think how nice it would be, you’d never be lonely, a bustling, full house, four children with their different personalities, four times feeling that love of having a child. All your children around you in your old age.
I travelled lots when younger and had a great career, but sometimes wonder how different life would have been if I’d just put more importance on family and tried to conceive younger and maybe have a big family full of love.

you can’t help how you feel at all, and I’m sorry to hear this.

I have four children and whilst I love all of them dearly and couldn’t imagine life without them, it’s to much.

obviously I’m so blessed and I appreciate that but I miss out on so much one to one time with my kids. It’s so hard to manage and meet all of their needs and emotions and I wish there were two of me.

I wouldn’t personally advise anyone to have four kids. I couldn’t imagine life without any one of them, they are all incredible, but life would be much more manageable with less.

Fleabigg · 23/12/2022 09:23

There’s ten times as much love in my family of three (DH, DD and I) as there was in my family growing up as the middle one of 3 children.

KimberleyClark · 23/12/2022 09:23

I know two people with four grown up kids each and their Christmas letters are always about the children and grandchildren and nothing about what they themselves have been up to.

BabyFour2023 · 23/12/2022 09:30

SpinningFloppa · 23/12/2022 09:21

I have 4 but I find it extremely tough as I’m a
lone parent (ex not involved) yes the house is always loud as they fight constantly and don’t get on, I also never get any time alone as no one will have 4. I often feel jealous of those with only one (though I don’t wish them away I just see how much easier it would have been)

Me and DH both get time alone, as does my brother and SIL with 5. I think it’s completely dependant on your circumstances to be honest. I remember my mum, who had 4 children, going to bingo with my aunties and her friends and my dad going out with his friends too.

Choconut · 23/12/2022 09:30

I think you're envious of those rare magical moments - the day to day humdrum though probably not so much. I think it's one of those things where the idea of it is much more appealing than the reality especially if you like your space. Also there's absolutely no certainty that they'd even like each other let alone love each other. So instead of a house filled with joy and love you'd have one filled with bickering and crying. I'll stick with my one as I got the sibling that I really wanted at the time, we've never got on and I really with I was an only.

userh79 · 23/12/2022 09:30

I adore Dd but am a person who likes/needs space and don’t get it and have found motherhood hard at times

I'm the same and I struggle with 2. Honestly I know having a fantasy is hard because you think it'll be perfect etc, but it sounds like you're really lucky, wonderful daughter and if your personality is like mine which it sounds like it is then 1 is probably perfect. I know it must be really hard when you didn't actively choose it to be this way, but try not to focus on what you don't have but on what you do. Of course your feelings are valid though, and as a mum of 2 that genuinely despise each other, a sibling is not a guaranteed soul mate! I'd have made different choices if I knew what I did now. But no point dwelling, either of us Flowers

Choconut · 23/12/2022 09:30

*wish

Lenald · 23/12/2022 09:30

KimberleyClark · 23/12/2022 09:23

I know two people with four grown up kids each and their Christmas letters are always about the children and grandchildren and nothing about what they themselves have been up to.

is That because they adore their children & grandchildren, they are their world?

that’s beautiful

KimberleyClark · 23/12/2022 09:35

Lenald · 23/12/2022 09:30

is That because they adore their children & grandchildren, they are their world?

that’s beautiful

Show quote history

Oh I’m sure they do. They just don’t seem to have any other interests, and neither has worked since their first child was born.

FourTeaFallOut · 23/12/2022 09:36

KimberleyClark · 23/12/2022 09:35

Oh I’m sure they do. They just don’t seem to have any other interests, and neither has worked since their first child was born.

Show quote history

Oh yeah, well a letter about their working week in a Christmas letter would be far more interesting 🤣

SpinningFloppa · 23/12/2022 09:38

BabyFour2023 · 23/12/2022 09:30

Me and DH both get time alone, as does my brother and SIL with 5. I think it’s completely dependant on your circumstances to be honest. I remember my mum, who had 4 children, going to bingo with my aunties and her friends and my dad going out with his friends too.

Show quote history

Yes but I mentioned being a lone parent, I didn’t say everyone with 4 never gets time alone I just said I don’t, I was speaking of my own experience my ex doesn’t see them and no one (I know) will have 4 kids, to quote my mum “no one looks after 4 kids” I didn’t mean to sound like I was referring to everyone with 4 but it’s certainly harder to get people to have 4 than it is to get them to have 1 or 2 for example asking friends to have 4 is pretty unrealistic for most people.

Comedycook · 23/12/2022 09:39

Interesting post. I have one sister and wish I had had more siblings. I think having more family around is generally a positive thing. I have two DC....I genuinely couldn't cope with more. I'm terrible with stress and am not great at being busy...but in a way I think it must be lovely when you're old to have lots of adult children and grandchildren. It's nice for them too to have a bigger support network. I know on these boards everyone seems to hate their family but in real life, the people I know who come from bigger families are the happiest people I know.

SpinningFloppa · 23/12/2022 09:40

SpinningFloppa · 23/12/2022 09:38

Yes but I mentioned being a lone parent, I didn’t say everyone with 4 never gets time alone I just said I don’t, I was speaking of my own experience my ex doesn’t see them and no one (I know) will have 4 kids, to quote my mum “no one looks after 4 kids” I didn’t mean to sound like I was referring to everyone with 4 but it’s certainly harder to get people to have 4 than it is to get them to have 1 or 2 for example asking friends to have 4 is pretty unrealistic for most people.

Show quote history

I also said I never get any alone time not that it applies to everyone I was just speaking of my own experience as most people have. I have friends with one kid who have no trouble getting a babysitter but asking anyone to have 4 is quite a big ask (unless you have very supportive hands on family)

BabyFour2023 · 23/12/2022 09:42

SpinningFloppa · 23/12/2022 09:38

Yes but I mentioned being a lone parent, I didn’t say everyone with 4 never gets time alone I just said I don’t, I was speaking of my own experience my ex doesn’t see them and no one (I know) will have 4 kids, to quote my mum “no one looks after 4 kids” I didn’t mean to sound like I was referring to everyone with 4 but it’s certainly harder to get people to have 4 than it is to get them to have 1 or 2 for example asking friends to have 4 is pretty unrealistic for most people.

Show quote history

You said “also never get any time alone as no one will have 4”
I misread it as “as nobody will have with 4 children” as in, nobody with 4 will have free time.
Definitely different if you’re a single parent and also if you have to work. Sorry for misreading!
We’re pretty lucky with family and do have enough family who would all have all 4 if required but day to day, DH and I manage it so we both get to do our hobbies.

BabyFour2023 · 23/12/2022 09:44

Comedycook · 23/12/2022 09:39

Interesting post. I have one sister and wish I had had more siblings. I think having more family around is generally a positive thing. I have two DC....I genuinely couldn't cope with more. I'm terrible with stress and am not great at being busy...but in a way I think it must be lovely when you're old to have lots of adult children and grandchildren. It's nice for them too to have a bigger support network. I know on these boards everyone seems to hate their family but in real life, the people I know who come from bigger families are the happiest people I know.

Agree. I get on so well with all my siblings and 3 of us have gone on to have big families of our own. My cousins were a set of 7 and of those, only 1 of them has 2 DC themselves. I find it so sad when people say they’re not close or there’s no likelihood of being close as adults. Really not the case for me and my family and friends. I don’t have a single friend who doesn’t speak to their family, I find it odd it’s apparently so common.

Blanketchops · 23/12/2022 09:45

I have 4 which I love but I'm also a person who likes to be with people. I'm not a lover of being on my own and love the fast paced bustle of our family life. If you're a person who needs space, then I'm not sure I'd recommend it.

We are financially stable and each child has their own bedroom. We have plenty of room. I also only work very few hours and have a close family support network. Without all these things, having lots of children would be way more stressful. Not that it isn't anyway. At one point I had one in college, one in secondary, one in primary and one in nursery. Trying to keep on top of all the information was a challenge.