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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To resent being married to an introvert at Xmas

165 replies

JinglingGin · 22/12/2022 20:28

I know IABU but at this time of year it really sucks. He’s ducked out of visiting any of my siblings and I know on Xmas day (I’m hosting my parents) he’ll skulk off upstairs for most of it and make minimal conversation at the table.
I get that all the socialising at this time of year is tough for introverts but I’m fed up of being the lone adult representative for our family unit at all things festive. It sucks. Tbh it does my nut in most of the year round but it’s brought into sharp focus at Xmas.

OP posts:
summergone · 22/12/2022 20:53

What's he like the rest of the year ? Have you asked him to make an effort and he just can't cope with it ?

SavoirFlair · 22/12/2022 20:53

Did you know he was an introvert before you married him @JinglingGin ?

VladmirsPoutine · 22/12/2022 20:54

Surely you knew this before you married him?
I don't think people who aren't like your husband really understand what 'socialising' can be like. It's akin to trying to squeeze a hedgehog into your anus.

LaLuz7 · 22/12/2022 20:55

Are you sure he just doesnt like your family and is using this as an excuse?

Original poster
JinglingGin · 22/12/2022 20:56

@LaLuz7 he doesn’t like anyone that’s the point. He’s the same with his family.

OP posts:
summergone · 22/12/2022 20:58

@JinglingGin he doesn't like anyone ! How does he get through daily life /work ?

Original poster
JinglingGin · 22/12/2022 20:59

@SavoirFlair and @VladmirsPoutine i didn’t realise quite the extent. He definitely made more of an effort early on and it’s like he just can’t be bothered to try anymore. To muddy the waters as well for the first 10years he had a medical condition that causes fatigue so I put a lot of his anti social behaviour down to that. For the last 3 years he’s been in remission and has got a lot more energy so it turns out it wasn’t the I’ll was at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
JinglingGin · 22/12/2022 21:01

@summergone interesting you say that: he frequently has issues with his managers at work. I think work does really take it out of him because of all the social interaction so I generally don’t ask much of him outside of work I just wish he’d make an effort at this time of year.

OP posts:
35965a · 22/12/2022 21:02

So it seems he just can’t be arsed really, I don’t think that’s to do with being an introvert. Skulking off upstairs is just plain rude unless there’s some backstory about him and your family not getting along. Introverts find socialising tiring and need some downtime after to recharge, being rude doesn’t come into it.

thecatsthecats · 22/12/2022 21:03

I'm introverted, and I am sociable when I have plans with people (or have to join in with my husband's family).

I just schedule me time in between and don't say yes to all invites.

Being an introvert is about people-time tiring you out, not about sloping off and ignoring people (although I'll admit the odd excessive time spent 'looking for something in the bedroom as a quick breather mid-evening)!

So I'd say not attending something is fine, but he should engage when he does go.

Original poster
JinglingGin · 22/12/2022 21:03

summergone · 22/12/2022 20:53

What's he like the rest of the year ? Have you asked him to make an effort and he just can't cope with it ?

When I ask him to make an effort it generally ends in an argument so I’ve given up. Lots of ‘you don’t know what it’s like etc…’ I do try and see things from his point of view but I don’t think he ever bothers to see it from mine.

OP posts:
greenhousegal · 22/12/2022 21:05

I'm an introvert, cannot cope with big parties, weddings and many situations where I need to make small talk for ages, stuff like that.

However, I do enjoy my family and friends in smaller groups. As for weddings and parties etc. I do make an effort and often really enjoy myself much to my suprise given my initial reluctance. But.... I do need a bit of downtime alone afterwards.

I am definitely not anti social, I am just me and know what I am like, but I also know when to enjoy company and make an effort.

This man sounds as if there is more going on. But maybe not. Difficult to live with just the same as it can come across as obnoxiously rude, even if it is not meant that way.

Original poster
JinglingGin · 22/12/2022 21:06

thecatsthecats · 22/12/2022 21:03

I'm introverted, and I am sociable when I have plans with people (or have to join in with my husband's family).

I just schedule me time in between and don't say yes to all invites.

Being an introvert is about people-time tiring you out, not about sloping off and ignoring people (although I'll admit the odd excessive time spent 'looking for something in the bedroom as a quick breather mid-evening)!

So I'd say not attending something is fine, but he should engage when he does go.

Thanks for your response, yes that’s a really good point about engaging when he does attend : I think that’s the bit that really bothers me as when he does come to stuff he might as well have not bothered.

OP posts:
MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 22/12/2022 21:06

I'd say he's anti-social and rude, not introverted (altho he might be that as well). Like @thecatsthecats I can socialise and I can do it quite happily, I just need to sense when I need to leave so I can make my goodbyes. And I don't over extend myself with the invitations.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/12/2022 21:07

Your husband is just plain rude. Get rid and find a decent man who will actually share your life with you.

anniegun · 22/12/2022 21:08

Possible autism?

UseAMuckySock · 22/12/2022 21:08

JinglingGin · 22/12/2022 20:56

@LaLuz7 he doesn’t like anyone that’s the point. He’s the same with his family.

I’m thinking I should marry him, we’d get on like a house on fire 😂

Wombat27A · 22/12/2022 21:09

I don't think he sounds introverted, beyond that, I think. My DH is very introverted but does make more of an effort these days. Just sounds rude really.

CaitoftheCantii · 22/12/2022 21:09

you can’t change him, but you can change how you react. If he’s always been introverted, could you not have a Christmas together when it’s just the two of you, and you can go socialising on Boxing Day without him?

Aprilx · 22/12/2022 21:10

I think you are very much misunderstanding what an introvert is and in fact I find your perception quite insulting as an introvert myself. I am an introvert because I recharge my batteries by alone time and my batteries are used up on social situations. But I am perfectly friendly, sociable, I enjoy seeing people, I enjoy parties, I am good at small talk, I am generally confident.

Your husband isn’t an introvert, he is just socially inept, possibly rude.

IntentionalError · 22/12/2022 21:10

I completely get where he’s coming from. I’m an introvert, too, and I also find socialising hard work, at Christmas or at any other time of year. When I worked in an office, I was so completely empty, exhausted and ‘peopled out’ by 5-30 on a Friday that the last thing on earth I wanted to do was to spend time with more bloody people. Except for DP, of course, but he doesn’t count.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 22/12/2022 21:10

That sounds extreme op. I'd consider myself an introvert but can certainly make it through Christmas day and am happy to visit DH's family. Most introverts enjoy socializing just in small doses, he sounds like he can't manage any social stuff at all. Was he always this extreme?

redredwineub40 · 22/12/2022 21:11

I can't see it changing, if he's barely coping with work, I can't see he's ever going to suddenly up his festive socialising game. It's not like he's a social butterfly who just can't be bothered with Christmas or your family in particular so it doesn't smack of a deliberate strategy to me. He sounds like he generally just doesn't like socialising and Christmas

BlueyDragon · 22/12/2022 21:13

As a previous poster mentioned, maybe undiagnosed austism?

Choconut · 22/12/2022 21:13

Is he ND? People often label ND people as rude unfortunately. If you want to be sociable then why not just go without him and be sociable, you shouldn't be trying to make him someone he's not as it's not going to work and he shouldn't be holding you back from being sociable.