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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To resent being married to an introvert at Xmas

165 replies

JinglingGin · 22/12/2022 20:28

I know IABU but at this time of year it really sucks. He’s ducked out of visiting any of my siblings and I know on Xmas day (I’m hosting my parents) he’ll skulk off upstairs for most of it and make minimal conversation at the table.
I get that all the socialising at this time of year is tough for introverts but I’m fed up of being the lone adult representative for our family unit at all things festive. It sucks. Tbh it does my nut in most of the year round but it’s brought into sharp focus at Xmas.

OP posts:

Greenfairydust · 25/12/2022 14:52

''@OwwwMuuuum · Today 12:36
I can’t bear “shy” adults. It is the height of rudeness and unforgivable in people who know better but just can’t be arsed to make any effort with other people''

Another odd comment.

There is nothing wrong or rude with being shy/reserved/quiet/not wanting to do a lot of socialising.

People have different personalities. You enjoy socialising and being with a lot of people. I don't.

I can understand why some people would not enjoy socialising with you though, shy or not, if you are so judgemental about others....

RampantIvy · 25/12/2022 15:05

It is not the small talk per se that is exhausting to me, it is having to sustain this for a long period of time and do it again and again with a group of people.

I am able to socialise with a limited number of people in quiet environments.

You sound very like DH. We very rarely socialise in large groups. On the rare occasion we do he finds someone to talk to properly, and doesn't indulge in small talk with lots of people. He doesn't feel any social obligation to indulge in small talk with lots of people. Can you not do this?

Burgoo · 25/12/2022 15:30

@JinglingGin If you have been with someone for more than a year or so you will have a good idea what they are like. I'd be astounded if he gave you no indication early on.

On topic, yes it is unreasonable to be resentful. You married him as he is. It isn't like he had a major head injury and had a personality change.

You have to either accept him for who he is or leave and find someone else you are compatible with. There is no point resenting him because he will be like that regardless.

That said, I am in his shoes tbh. I hate socialising over holidays with people I really am not all that interested in. Making small talk about nonsense, doing niceties, exchanging presents for tat that I don't want or need. it is all rather tiresome. My wife knows I am like this and doesn't give much resistance if on the day of Christmas I just opt out. It isn't personal and she has known me long enough to know that I just like quiet and space.

Ironically I am extroverted 90% of the time. Its the 10% (when I am not "on" in front of friends or at work) that I tend to spend much time alone. Which often involves being upstairs whilst she and baby are downstairs. Again this is just what it is and it works for us.

thelobsterquadrille · 25/12/2022 15:35

OwwwMuuuum · 25/12/2022 12:36

I can’t bear “shy” adults. It is the height of rudeness and unforgivable in people who know better but just can’t be arsed to make any effort with other people. Sorry OP but I’d say LTB, he’s obviously selfish as he’s more concerned for himself than anyone else.. Tell him he needs to get his pathetic arse downstairs and show up for you at Christmas.

I'd rather befriend someone shy and awkward than someone as rude and unpleasant as you!

eyope · 25/12/2022 15:49

You know you don't have to live your entire life with someone you're very incompatible with. He needs to find a woman as introverted as him and you need to find someone who will accompany you to events.

Neither of you need to change, you just need to be with other people. If it's irritating you now, how will it feel in 10 years time. Life is too short to stay with people who make you unhappy.

Original poster

JinglingGin · 25/12/2022 15:49

So as predicted he’s hidden upstairs all day. He came down for lunch and barely said a word. I have asked him to make an effort but The kids were up at 2.30 and the again at 6.00😱 so we’re both exhausted and he’s used that as an excuse to spend all day sleeping. I however have had to to push through!
My parents were very sweet about it but have ended up leaving early as they’re worried he’s hiding upstairs cos he doesn’t want guests. From what’s happened today I’m starting to think that PP are correct and it’s nothing to do with being introverted and actually he is just rude. 😡
he hasn’t once said things like ‘gosh thanks so much for cooking lunch and entertaining the kids even though you must be shattered too’ or ‘Sorry PIL, it’s not you I’m just very tired’….

just having a Prosecco fuelled rant - maybe in the cold light of day I’ll feel more sympathetic to his introvert personality type but at this moment I’m just upset and tbh a bit lonely.

OP posts:

Hernameisdeborah · 25/12/2022 15:51

I'm introverted AF but always make the effort to socialise with, and enjoy the company of, family. As do most other introverts I know. Your husband's behaviour doesn't sound like introversion, it's either severe social anxiety or rudeness.

pamplemoussee · 26/12/2022 08:55

Sorry OP . To spend all day hidden / sleeping upstairs just isn't right to miss Christmas Day with his family/kids even if you are tired, that must have been really hard and lonely for you too

To need half an hour to yourself is okay if you find things overstimulating but it sounds really extreme behaviour and something is wrong there

He sounds unwell ? ?

Theala · 26/12/2022 09:07

He's taking the piss.

RampantIvy · 26/12/2022 09:08

DH spent most of yesterday sitting in his office playing spider solitaire. He does this a lot anyway.

He never used to be this averse to being with people, but has got more and more like this as he has got older. There were only three of us, which is our usual Christmas anyway - DH, DD (22) and me.

Comtesse · 26/12/2022 09:58

Sounds like another bloke who thinks he can opt out of family life because it suits him. I cannot believe he behaves like this when you have kids.

OP I think you are underreacting here. He is as PP said taking the piss

Aquamarine1029 · 26/12/2022 10:00

RampantIvy · 26/12/2022 09:08

DH spent most of yesterday sitting in his office playing spider solitaire. He does this a lot anyway.

He never used to be this averse to being with people, but has got more and more like this as he has got older. There were only three of us, which is our usual Christmas anyway - DH, DD (22) and me.

Why on earth are you wasting your life with this man? Adverse to people? It was just his wife and child, FFS. Stop making excuses for such inexcusable behaviour.

RampantIvy · 26/12/2022 10:13

He is nearly 71 and has been like this since his stroke. I am not going to leave him. He does have many positive qualities and we share the same values. I always invite him along to various social activities, and more often than not he stays at home, so he can't complain when I go out without him.

RampantIvy · 26/12/2022 10:15

He is actually going to come to a party with me in a few days. It will be a small party for a very good friend, and he will know everyone there. He will probably leave before I do, but he will be perfectly OK with that.

Pianofar · 26/12/2022 10:21

It sounds like you aren't compatible. My ex was like this, he wouldn't make an iota of effort (but he could handle being around his friends funnily enough...) and it was miserable. I'm not an overly social person, I prefer smaller groups and do need down time by myself, but there was no in-between, no effort, and although this may sound harsh, I didn't care if it was his 'fault' or something he couldn't help, I didn't want to live my life with a partner like that.

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