To resent being married to an introvert at Xmas

[JinglingGin]

I know IABU but at this time of year it really sucks. He’s ducked out of visiting any of my siblings and I know on Xmas day (I’m hosting my parents) he’ll skulk off upstairs for most of it and make minimal conversation at the table.
I get that all the socialising at this time of year is tough for introverts but I’m fed up of being the lone adult representative for our family unit at all things festive. It sucks. Tbh it does my nut in most of the year round but it’s brought into sharp focus at Xmas.

He's not an introvert, he's a rude wanker.

Hehe they are SUPER cheeky but we love 'em for who they are and don't expect them to change. But have occasionally been in the wrong place at the wrong time and heard whispers about why I'm being 'anti social' because I'm not dancing around the house drunk! Kinda gets me down as I show my love in other ways and just want people to accept me for the person I am the same way I do for them. So in a family of extroverts the value I believe I bring isn't respected - yet without someone doing the boring bits there would be no parties! And there's the paradox hehe

I couldn't leave DH on his own at Christmas @CleopatrasBeautifulNose. We have different interests, but share the same values, which is why we have been happily married for over 41 years. Besides, DD (22) would hate not to share Christmas with her dad.

I would rather have a quiet Christmas at home with DH than one without him at my sister's, and DH wouldn't want Christmas on his own either.

It's the very point of mumsnet!

Dp is neither an extrovert nor an introvert.
He thinks the fuss at Xmas is an unnecessary commotion.
I've no doubt he'll disappear to the pub to escape my family on boxing day.😂😬

Are you ND? Do you speak for all ND people?

'Even ND people'...your comment is so ignorant it's flabbergasting.

The idea that extroverts are energized by socializing and only introverts aren’t is bollocks. Everyone is tired out by socializing. Extroverts do it more because they value it more. Introverts don’t value/enjoy it as much.

He sounds rude; never mind about being an introvert- he’s rude to your guests and he doesn’t want to socialise with anyone

People struggle with socialising and try to avoid others for all sorts of reasons, not just introversion (social anxiety, lack of self-esteem, insecurity, etc). Introverts typically enjoy socializing, just in small doses and in small groups. What you describe can't be put down to introversion, I reckon.

Is there anything else going on for him mental health wise? Anxiety / depression maybe?
You could look up "highly sensitive person" could this apply to him?
It must be very hard for him (but also for you!) but it does sound quite extreme and as if there may be much more going on rather than just based purely on being an introvert.

You knew he was an introvert when you married him. People can't suddenly change their personality...

As an introvert myself I would struggle to make sustained small talk with so many people.

Yesterday I had to visit three different friends for short periods of time and I ended up exhausted at the end of it and having to lie down and sleep it off! It is literally physically and mentally draining for people like us. Even if we genuinely like the people we are socialising with.

If I go out in the evening, I will then need the following day to recharge alone.

I don't think people grasp how much some of us struggle with interaction. There is nothing we can do about it. It is just how our mind and body work.

It could also be to be brutally honest that he does not particularly like your family or find them that interesting.

I assume you enjoy seeing your family and hosting them so focus on that and accept that your partner does not feel the same way.

''@MysteriesOfTheOrganism · Today 06:28
People struggle with socialising and try to avoid others for all sorts of reasons, not just introversion (social anxiety, lack of self-esteem, insecurity, etc). Introverts typically enjoy socializing, just in small doses and in small groups. What you describe can't be put down to introversion, I reckon.''

No! some introverts will enjoy some socialising, others will avoid it like the plague. What is described can absolutely be put down to introversion.

Is it possible he has social anxiety? I have this and can find being around even 3 or more people including family overwhelming,

Interesting point Cheese, though I see it slightly differently.

I think it's less about the socialising/not socialising trope, & far more about stimulus. Extroverts tend to want/need more stimulation than introverts, to reach a similar level of brain chemistry feedback. Although both types can need social ineraction as much as the other, it may just express differently.
Hence "life & soul of the party" has a great time doing their thing, & "wallflower" who actually is enjoying a really interesting conversation, but quietly & less noticibly, has just as great a time.

So an extrovert might feel a real pull to eg extreme sports, & not only handle the jolts of noradrenaline & the rest of it - they often crave it. Whereas an introvert could get a jolt of noradrenaline from a much smaller stimulus, even like just reading about a wild/scary/exciting situation.

Not that I think it's that black & white. Most of us are complicated, with 'a little bit of this & a little bit of that'.

@beatsin8s yes I am ND. I’m sorry that my comment offended, it has been deleted and I can’t remember what I wrote. I would never intentionally offend. Take care.

As an introvert myself I would struggle to make sustained small talk with so many people.

I really get irritated by self proclaimed introverts who think extroverts are only capable of small talk. How do you define small talk anyway? You can't usually jump straight into a deep philosophical conversation with someone you have only just met IME.

No that's bollocks. I value socialising but I do find it more tiring than my extraverted friends. How do I know this? Because they tell me.

Another chance for certain people on mn to put the boot in to introverts generally.

I find it tiring to socialise, but I enjoy when I do, I just leave parties after 2-3 hours rather than 5-6. I am not great at small talk but I put a lot of effort into it, and show interest in others and talk about myself, so there's balance. I don't find it easy to go and chat to strangers but I do it anyway. I certainly don't ignore people I actually know, like the OP's DH, which is why I think he's rude rather than unable to socialise.

Why are only introverts not allowed to describe themselves as such? It's not a diagnosis, it's something we recognise about ourselves, so the self proclaimed bit is unnecessary. It shouldn't be an insult or a compliment, and nor should extroversion.

Being good at small talk is the ability to converse with someone on a superficial level without much awkwardness. It's a skill but like many skills some people have a greater natural ability at it which makes it easier to acquire. I'm quite good at some sports for instance, which other people might learn how to do but it certainly takes more effort than for those to whom it comes naturally. It's not that they can't learn or can't do it but that it's harder. Same for small talk and socialising.

Of course you can be an introvert who's also good at small talk but there's a larger cohort of introverts who also struggle with social interaction. But it doesn't mean they can't do it, just that it is more effortful. I'm baffled as to why you find it so annoying, any more than I don't find it annoying that some people are bad at tennis. If you're good at it, think yourself lucky. It's much easier to be like that.

Are you new to the internet?

Have you just arrived on this planet?

🤣🤣🤣🤣

You have missed my point @Stunningscreamer. The implication is that extroverts are incapable of any conversation deeper than small talk. If I am at a gathering where I know people very well we don't indulge in "small talk" apart from "hello, how are you" on first meeting. Surely that applies to introverts and extroverts?

I apologise for the self proclaimed comment though.

I can’t bear “shy” adults. It is the height of rudeness and unforgivable in people who know better but just can’t be arsed to make any effort with other people. Sorry OP but I’d say LTB, he’s obviously selfish as he’s more concerned for himself than anyone else.. Tell him he needs to get his pathetic arse downstairs and show up for you at Christmas.

I think shy people are worth getting to know. Rude people aren't.

There is a difference between shy and rude.

''@RampantIvy
I really get irritated by self proclaimed introverts who think extroverts are only capable of small talk. How do you define small talk anyway? You can't usually jump straight into a deep philosophical conversation with someone you have only just met IME.''

What an odd comment.

I am perfectly entitled to describe myself as an introvert. It is not something that a doctor needs to diagnose...

You are missing the point as well about my mention of small talk. It is not the small talk per se that is exhausting to me, it is having to sustain this for a long period of time and do it again and again with a group of people.

I am able to socialise with a limited number of people in quiet environments. Noisy/large groups of people, parties, clubs, dinners with several guests I find physically and mentally exhausting.

That is just a fact.

People are different.