To resent being married to an introvert at Xmas

[JinglingGin]

I know IABU but at this time of year it really sucks. He’s ducked out of visiting any of my siblings and I know on Xmas day (I’m hosting my parents) he’ll skulk off upstairs for most of it and make minimal conversation at the table.
I get that all the socialising at this time of year is tough for introverts but I’m fed up of being the lone adult representative for our family unit at all things festive. It sucks. Tbh it does my nut in most of the year round but it’s brought into sharp focus at Xmas.

He just sounds rude tbh. I’m an introvert, but am still sociable with friends and family, I just make sure I schedule in some me time afterwards to recharge.

Labelling yourself an introvert doesn't really excuse you for being rude.

Conversation for a couple of hours with your wife and her parents over Christmas dinner is hardly asking him to be the life and sole of the party at the rugby club.

There needs to be some compromise. Some things you just go and enjoy without him, and others he needs to step up and make the effort.

And there are different levels of introversion - my dh can only cope with socialising with people he feels absolutely accepted by, and then not very often, and even so it tires him out.

I sympathise, it is a bit rubbish when your oh never wants to have anyone over, go anywhere or see anyone (which is my dh too).

It’s much easier to engage when events are planned strategically. My DH and I are both strongly introverted. We are both capable of turning on the socialization, but we know our ability to do so is limited. We plan holiday socializing so that we can pull it off.

we don’t schedule day long events where people have to make small talk for hours on end. we use hotels when visiting longer distances.

op, are you expecting him to conform to your idea of a holiday calendar or are you trying to set a schedule that balances both your needs? You might find he is much more amenable to a couple of hours of socializing if he knows it is just couple of hours.

Both my partner and I are introverted. We make an effort with each others families.

It sounds like your partner is rude, there's a big difference.

Much as I hate the speed in which Autism is usually trotted out on threads like this, I would say:

Yes, it could be that he's Autistic (he sounds like me, and I'm Autistic) And also, I'd echo other posters in saying if he has always been like this, then maybe you aren't a good match.

I'd also add that sometimes Introverts and Autistic people try for decades to fit in, and then 'fall off a cliff' and are simply no longer to do so.

If you think it's a deal breaker for you, leave him.

You married him! If you married a dullard that's on you I'm afraid. I couldn't be with someone like that, it'd bring me down. Do you just go out without him when socialising normally?

I wondered how long it would take for someone to mention autism. After all, if a person is rude and selfish they're automatically autistic 🙄

I'm autistic. I absolutely hate socialising and do as little of it as possible, it's exhausting and often upsetting. But I'm not a rude bastard.

He sounds selfish. I'm an introvert but you have to make an effort sometimes and do things you'd rather not for the other one.

He sounds like he may be autistic and unaware of his social rudeness. I think my husband is the same. Although I was not aware of this for many years as he was fine with his friends that he had known for a long time but has no idea how to act in social situations and avoids them at all costs or will come across rude.

Does he have social anxiety?

I think that your labelling him as introvert is just covering for the fact that he’s a rude prick. It’s not normal for a functioning adult to hide from their family members at Christmas. Tell him to get a grip and grow up.

Autistic does not equal rude.

Stop Stereotyping, please.

I'm autistic too, and I'm not the biggest fan of too much socialising, especially with lots of noise and a large number of people. Luckily DH is the same though!

But we do it, we see family at Christmas - with a 4 hour limit in one go, because we really struggle more than that.

So we generally stay in a hotel, so we have our own space and privacy, can visit people, but can leave when we've had enough.

I know people say get a grip, make the effort, about social occasions. But honestly if there are more than 2 conversations going on at the same time and other music/tv/background noise I just completely shut down, I can't hack it.

Yes I agree with @OhChristmasTreeOhChristmasTreeFaLaLa

I just could not be with someone like that. We've been out tonight, will see friends at a party tomorrow, in laws on Xmas Eve, my family on Boxing Day... we'll both make an effort at each gathering as that's what you do.

I have to go to far too many things on my own as DH works shifts and it's fine but only because I know he can't make it. If he actively kept choosing to given things a miss I'd be pissed off quite frankly, as he would if the scenarios were reversed.

He dose sound really rude and selfish OP. My DH is an introvert but dose not act like this, he will always make an effort when we are with others, most people don’t even know he’s an introvert. He will happily stay home and look after the DCs and let me go to events and no desire to go out and socialise on his own, but will always make an effort when he knows I need him there or he’s expected such as family events.

I come from a big social family, most of my relatives have no idea my DH is an introvert or what it takes out of him when he’s around them because he makes sure his difficulties don’t impact others when he’s around them.

I understand being introverted but I fail to understand where people find the nerve to simply opt out of normal social interaction. It is bizarre to go to someone’s house and just hide in the bedroom or to hide away when people are guests in your house.

yep

he may be autistic- but the rudeness is 100% male socialisation, selfishness and not giving a shit

it doesn’t sound like your are a good match OP. I couldn’t live like this.

Ok as quite an extreme introvert that’s not the behaviour if an introvert, it’s the behaviour of a self centred arsehole. I don’t dislike people, I hate being the centre of attention and can be quite shy at talking to new people but introversion isn’t being rude. It’s needing space after spending time with people to recharge and work things through in your head. I’m married to an extrovert and he helps me around new people but knows not to schedule things in all the time for us both as I’m going to need time in the quiet in between.

I see this a lot.

This behaviour often gets put down as 'Introvert' but it's just not accurate.
Nor is calling it antisocial.

Introverts need time alone to energise.
Extroverts need time with people to energise.
Doesn't mean they hide from people or are.rude tompeople.or don't socialise etc.

Antisocial is a personality disorder categorised by the person having no regard for right and wrong and ignores the rights and feelings of others.

Being rude, going off to be on their own and avoid people they don't want to be around etc. It's neither introversion nor Antisocial behaviour. asocial, possibly, but it sounds more like he's a rude arse to me and he's been allowed for too long to claim some issue as to the cause of his rudeness.

Hmm, not sure this is totally down to being an introvert. He seems to be giving introverts a bad name. I'm a fairly extreme introvert and don't avoid people to this extent. He sounds rude.

OP….a very close person to me is in a relationship with someone like this. I’ve watched over the years how they’ve had to go it alone at multiple family events, make excuses for their partner, feel lonely because they’re always on their own and even stop seeing family as a result. I think there comes a point where you need to step up and make an effort for the sake of your partner even if you are a self confessed introvert. It doesn’t give you an excuse to remove yourself and not support your partner. OP you know you’re not happy about this. I’m sure your DH will react badly but he doesn’t deserve a get out of jail free card for every event. Please consider talking to him.

He doesn’t sound introverted to me he sounds rude and antisocial.

Plenty of people struggle with large social events but that’s no excuse for leaving your other half to do everything. He’s using the introversion as a get out of jail free card.

🤣🤣🤣🤣