To resent being married to an introvert at Xmas

[JinglingGin]

I know IABU but at this time of year it really sucks. He’s ducked out of visiting any of my siblings and I know on Xmas day (I’m hosting my parents) he’ll skulk off upstairs for most of it and make minimal conversation at the table.
I get that all the socialising at this time of year is tough for introverts but I’m fed up of being the lone adult representative for our family unit at all things festive. It sucks. Tbh it does my nut in most of the year round but it’s brought into sharp focus at Xmas.

I am an introvert and I am not like this.

I wonder if you know what an introvert v extrovert is. An introvert gets their energy recharge by being alone, that doesnt mean we cannot socialise and be the life and soul. An extrovert recharges by being with others but that doesnt mean that they cant spend time happily alone.

I think you are not married to an introvert but to a selfish thoughtless wanker/

Being an introvert or an extrovert has nothing to do with manners. Your DH shows bad manners. i.e. he is rude. He knows he is being rude. He doesn't care that he is being rude. He is doing what suits him because he is selfish.

So what do you do when you find it upsetting socialising for too long? Leave the room for a breather by any chance? My DC is autistic and is absolutely not selfish, but sometimes can appear to others as rude when abruptly needing time to themselves. It's not being a 'rude bastard', it's self preservation.

Ime those who have genuine social issues (autism, anxiety etc) will remove themselves for a regroup no matter what the situation. Their friends/family/workmates v someone elses, it makes no difference. Overwhelmed is overwhelmed.

But a selfish git will somehow be able to make it through an entire event of socialising with people they want to spend time with, and never have to remove themselves once.

Only the OP knows which one her OH is.

I agree with this.

OP
Are you looking fr excuses to leave him? do you have someone else in your sights?

I’m the same with background noise and more than 1 person speaking at once. In that situation it’s so difficult to engage with what people are saying, it’s like I can hear the words but can’t process what they are saying because all I can hear is the tv or another persons conversation. At party’s I can’t ‘zone in’ on one conversation I can hear all the individual conversations at once. I don’t have a diagnosis of Autism but found your post so relatable!

I know people say get a grip, make the effort, about social occasions.

But you are making the effort when you're turning up for your 4 hours. That's loads. Perfectly respectable visit for anyone.

Totally with you on the multiple conversations - but I generally find that more of a problem at work parties, with family ones you can just go and help out in the kitchen, or watch the kids play, do the crossword even (one of the other introverts will probably join in!), and it still counts as being sociable.

YANBU. I really feel your pain. Having to carry the whole thing is hard work. Then you’ve got to put up with the complaining after 🙄

Imagine going on a public forum and discussing your husband to strangers!

Imagine going on a public forum and discussing your husband to strangers!

If OP had given his full name that'd be different. But it's an anon forum for advice/opinions.

I feel your pain OP, my H is like this too. I don't know if he's become worse or I'm less tolerant now, but it's really frustrating if you like to socialise alot and make lots of plans. Totally understand

Re the posters asking whether he is ND - no diagnosis, coincidentally (or not so coincidentally!) I am a Health professional with a specialism in neurodeveloomental conditions: I feel he’d probably get a diagnosis of something if he explored it: maybe social anxiety but isn’t barn door undiagnosed ASD.

Hmm, interesting as I’d have said this is definitely not typical ‘just an introvert’ behaviour- it’s either rude/antisocial/selfish or it’s a consequence of neurodiversity (and even then, if so there should be coping strategies so it doesn’t come across as rude/antisocial/selfish.

Well this thread has been a real eye-opener.

I feel shocked that so many posters are calling the guy a rude, selfish, bad-mannered arsehole. I am exactly the same in social situations but I don't consider myself any of those things. I hope my friends and family don't think this way about me

Whilst this is absolutely true, the person in question has to be aware it is an issue for others as well as themselves, want to address it, and be willing to do the work.

When you say ‘exactly the same in social situations’, do you really mean that? You won’t visit family, and if you do you only make minimal conversation and skulk off if you can? I bet you don’t.

it’s either rude/antisocial/selfish or it’s a consequence of neurodiversity

Social anxiety can be a thing on its own and ralso esult in this sort of behaviour.

(and even then, if so there should be coping strategies so it doesn’t come across as rude/antisocial/selfish.

I agree with you- there's a trend for people to say they should be able to do whatever they want if they have ASD and others should put up with it.

I'm probably not NT but I try to improve myself and how I interact with others- I feel good if it works and if it doesn't I just have another go when I'm ready. It's satisfying to improve somewhat how I interact with others.

But I do allow myself a lot of time to myself to chill out.

I sympathise op. My dp is exactly the same, but I think more selfish than ND. Hates socialising, hates having my family to visit, doesn't want to see his family. I'm not looking forward to NY as stuck in on our own as other plans fell through. I can feel so bored and get cabin fever.

We saw friends of his in the autumn, arranged by me as I've become friendly with his friends wife. I suggested we meet up again over Christmas - "why do we need to see them again so soon"? It was in October!

I'd love a big family and a flock of friends, but am not loud myself and its even harder to make friends when your other half makes no effort, it's a hindrance. Also causes arguments when I raise it so I keep quiet largely and socialise more alone and with dc.

No advice but sympathy from me

Exactly this. You would not necessarily know the difference between an introvert and an extrovert by observing them socially — introversion is not shyness, social awkwardness, reserve, misanthropy etc etc. The difference is in how you recharge. The OP’s husband may or may not be an introvert, but, assuming he doesn’t have some neurological difference, he is spectacularly rude, lazy and/or socially incompetent and uninterested in and/or unable to work on that.

My ex was like your husband, I don’t think he was an introvert at all just really anti social I have known some people who are introverts I would class my DH as one. He is a delight very chatty and well mannered but feels very tired after interactions.

Yikes I thought the OP was my partner! I'm an introvert. I don't enjoy hosting but if I'm going to do it - I push myself to make it memorable! But takes a lot out of me as and after a few days of hosting family and friends I need my own space. Especially as if you have a partner who fills your calendar up with back to back house guests and events. I will host my socks off but at some point - I need my own space, even just an 30 mins to take myself away and recalibrate but from everyone's perspective I'm being 'rude' even though I've been on my feet hosting while everyone (our family are 'plonkers' - come and plonk themselves at ours, get merry and don't contribute or offer to help) gorges and glugs the food and drink I've spent money buying and days cooking and practicing recipes! Its stressful and saps my energy but I happily do it with a smile on my face because I love them dearly but I wish they would extend the same courtesy and understand I'm just wired differet and draw my energy from myself not others. If I vanish upstairs for a breather, I'm not being rude, I'm just being myself - and knackered!

@KAYMACK have you ever been on Mumsnet before?!!

I'd love a big family and a flock of friends, but am not loud myself and its even harder to make friends when your other half makes no effort, it's a hindrance.

Your post really resonates with me @Fourfurryfeet

DH is very much an introvert, but I also think that he ticks boxes for some ND traits. He is also just unsociable. I like seeing people and being with them, and he is a reluctant socialiser. He has got worse as he got older. I'm sad that I have only once seen my family at Christmas in recent years because DH is such an introvert and so he always gets the Christmas he wants, whereas DD and I like to visit family. Our Christmasses are always quiet and boring because we always do what DH wants to do - not see anyone and not socialise. By the end of the Christmas break I am climbing the walls with boredom. We live 4 hours away from my sister so it isn't doable in a day trip.

He is OK with socialising in small groups with people he knows well, and nearly always when alcohol is involved. He hates parties and large gatherings. He left a funeral wake early because he felt “crowded in”. He is not a “joiner in” type of person, and his dislike for authority meant hated working for someone else, so he set up his own consultancy business.

Our social life is pretty quiet so I decided that I would climb the walls with cabin fever unless I did something about it. I have joined a couple of local groups, one being a charity. DH refuses to come to any of the charity social functions, so when everyone else takes their partner I go alone.

We don't live near either family so a visit always involves a stay. The one time we did spend Christmas with my sister and her family we stayed in a Premier Inn nearby, but it meant that I had to do all the driving as DH can't cope with driving anywhere unfamiliar even with a satnav.

@RampantIvy I think in your shoes I'd be tempted to take dd and do a family Xmas sans dh on alternate years. Then at least it is a mutual compromise instead of always his way. Sounds like a quiet Xmas in his own company wouldn't be unpleasant for him.

You're doing a great job @Daddydog and breathers to recharge are totally acceptable. The people who cause social aggravation are those who can't be arsed to show their face even just to say hi and excuse themselves. Or those who ignore the guests and become an unacknowledged presence, or just bugger off and don't come back leaving everyone wondering. What you're describing is completely different and fine... Though your family sound a bit cheeky and lazy so it's lucky you love them. 😁