To resent being married to an introvert at Xmas

[JinglingGin]

I know IABU but at this time of year it really sucks. He’s ducked out of visiting any of my siblings and I know on Xmas day (I’m hosting my parents) he’ll skulk off upstairs for most of it and make minimal conversation at the table.
I get that all the socialising at this time of year is tough for introverts but I’m fed up of being the lone adult representative for our family unit at all things festive. It sucks. Tbh it does my nut in most of the year round but it’s brought into sharp focus at Xmas.

Mmmm. My BIL is like this. He is an introvert, but so am I and I'm not a dick to friends and family. BIL is just a self-centred arsehole in addition to being an introvert.

i have anxiety but i still see family and make an effort-he sounds like he wont even try

I think he should work on his social anxiety if that's an issue.

He mightn't want to do it for long but not bothering much at all is just being a buzzkill and probably embarrassing for you.

My bestie is an introvert but loves Xmas.

Maybe decide which events are most important to you and ask him to commit to make an effort on just one or two occasions?

It does sound like maybe you have quite different personalities/tastes.

I find that most family members talk empty rubbish for the whole of their lives.

I'm not interested in anything they say, but I play along dutifully and I'm sure they do to me. I do my bit. Maybe you suggest to him that he does to.

Not unreasonable OP. I would be furious.

Omgosh this is me. DH is extrovert and I’m introvert
we always have a discussion about my expectations and his
eg I’ll definitely be at family lunch and help with some prep and clear up (if we’re not hosting)
ill be at this aunties house on Boxing Day for at least two hours.. and so on.
then if I want to I can stay longer and if not I can go and I’m happy for him to stay as long as he wants.
I make lots of effort In the time I’m there though.
if I did the whole day I’d be exhausted, overwhelmed and mostly silent throughout the day, and before we had these conversations that’s what I was like and I did used to try to sneak ‘breaks’ in, like I’d find a pet in another room that needed some company, or I’d need to go out to my car and hoped no one noticed it took me 20mins to do so, but now I know I can make it through whatever we’ve agreed it’s manageable so I can give 100% effort.

i do find it odd that people are saying well he can put a smile on his face and manage. Obviously this is what I do, but really it’s his Christmas too, and if he doesn’t want to spend his break doing those things why should he have to? I think there needs to be some compromise on either end.

Ten years of chronic illness (coming into remission during the pandemic, I suppose) could be relevant here.

I found socialising exhausting after spending the pandemic alone, and I'm not quite back where I was even now. I find it hard to focus on conversations and keep forgetting to ask the obvious follow up questions.

I might cut him some slack.

@Christmasnero thanks for the balance! Lots of people are saying rude and yes I think sometimes he is. I find it so difficult to know where the line between rude and overwhelmed is for him as you can never truly know what is going on In Someone’s head! Re the posters asking whether he is ND - no diagnosis, coincidentally (or not so coincidentally!) I am a Health professional with a specialism in neurodeveloomental conditions: I feel he’d probably get a diagnosis of something if he explored it: maybe social anxiety but isn’t barn door undiagnosed ASD.

He's being rude. Being an introvert doesn't mean being wilfully rude.

Guess you have to decide if you want to socialise without him for the rest of your life...

That sounds like a lovely relationship you have going there

Yes I agree, it’s not clear cut. And I sometimes think he’s maybe got into certain habits re socialising (or not as the case may be!) that were a necessity when he was ill but no longer are.

I'm an introvert but always make a real effort with people, including my in-laws. I send many weeks with them every year. I certainly wouldn't refuse to see them or hide upstairs.

My friends dh is like this and I really dislike like him. She has explained he is introverted etc, and I understand that.
What I object to is he'll just stand up and leave the table mid conversation without excusing himself. Just walks off. That's the bit I think is crap, it's just rude. He does it with anyone not just me. If he just said 'I'll leave you to it, enjoy your chat.' or whatever, That would be fine, at least you wouldn't be left wondering whether he was coming back or not.

Sounds like a bit more than introversion? I’m an ambivert as is DH and my DM and DD are intensely introverted! However we all manage to socialise together several times a year without having to leave the room for long stretches. If anything we might increase the amount of social downtime for a week or so after big events? I think not participating at all is downright rude tbh, especially when hosting

I'm introverted. I would always make an effort for mine and my partner's families.

Surely he can manage say 4 hours with you family?

Do you every ask him what he'd like to do at Christmas?

Me and the dc love a Christmas when it's just our little family. We can do what we want, when we want and without the pressure to socialise.
But dh was used to a big Christmas where everyone goes in together, and it took him several years before he accepted that for us it was nice to be on our own sometimes.
Now we spend some Christmases just us, and some with larger families, and that means we both feel more relaxed about the one we're less keen on because we know we're both compromising.

on Xmas day (I’m hosting my parents) he’ll skulk off upstairs for most of it and make minimal conversation at the table.

I'm an introvert. I'm fine with small groups of people I know.

I think he just sounds rude, unless there's another issue.

I'm an introvert. I make an effort to see family and my husband's family at Christmas because I know it's important to them.

I'm with an introvert too. He also suffers from social anxiety. Our daughter is also the same.
It can get very lonely! There's nothing I can do to change him though.

I'm exactly this. I find Christmas a bit of a struggle because of the degree of socialising. However I am not a rude arsehole so I make the effort. I met friends on Tuesday, went to a social event with acquaintances tonight and am doing another party on Christmas Eve. But I only stayed for two and a half hours tonight and will do similar on CE. While I'm there I make a lot of effort to be sociable and friendly. Because if people are nice enough to invite me, it's only fair.

In between the social events I spend a lot of time on my own recharging. I cannot imagine a situation where I spent most of the time avoiding the hosts or my own guests. It's really rude.

People change, and what might have originally been normal introversion might have developed into agoraphobia through the illness and covid. Saying “just rude” is godawful, sorry it isn’t that easy when you have social phobias. There are good days where you can tolerate or even enjoy contact to some extent. And there are other days where it’s impossible. On top of that comes the pressure of “duty” which adds feelings of guilt. The guy needs help and support to overcome the phobias, just “doing it” isn’t going to cure it.

I have social anxiety and your idea of Christmas sounds like hell. My husband respects that and we don’t do any hosting at ours. Christmas Day is our day then he goes out to see his family every Boxing Day and I stay at home in peace.

If he doesn’t enjoy your plan and neither do you it sounds like it’s time to change things. Could another member of your family takes on the hosting duties?

Try being married to an extrovert at any time of year. Total nightmare

He sounds like a bit of an obnoxious prick in my opinion