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Original poster

Wedding Troubles - Best Man & Wife

190 replies

GuestlistTrouble · 22/12/2022 10:12

DF and I are planning our wedding in summer next year and have run into an issue with his best man (BM). Or maybe we have, I'm not sure!

When BM met his wife a few years ago, we didn't get on very well. He had just dated a string of fairly unstable women and to be honest, we thought she was just another one and would sooner or later disappear from our friendship group again. So we didn't have the best start with her. they got engaged then married, and all in all, it was fine. We saw each other every couple of months and felt we were getting on okay, despite her being really quite different from us, but we tried.

Then, just before Covid hit, we had an argument and she hasn't spoken to us since. Blocked us on social media and we can't see any of her profiles. BM is still friends with us but has said his wife feels she has "given us enough second chances" and refuses to talk to us. Which was fine until now, as BM really wants her to come to the wedding with him. There will be mutual friends of ours from school and I think he is worried about the awkward conversations, and also just nervous about attending the wedding on his own. We have invited his wife but thus far she is refusing to come.

Should we try to get her number from BM to talk to her or do you think that would make it worse? And if we call her, what do you even say if she picks up?!

(been on and off of Mumsnet for a few years - new account as I deleted the last one after one of the data breaches)

OP posts:
eish · 22/12/2022 10:15

You do nothing. You have invited her, it is for them to sort out, not you. Do you have a back up best man?

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 22/12/2022 10:16

Your role is to issue the invitation.
Their response is up to them.
Don't get involved.
His relationship sounds toxic.

fancyacuppatea · 22/12/2022 10:18

Find a new best man.

Eatingjumper · 22/12/2022 10:18

You've invited her, that's all you need to do. Don't make it more of a drama than it already is. She'll either come or she won't.

olympicsrock · 22/12/2022 10:18

What happened at the beginning? There must have been multiple things for her to say you have had lots of chances.
Either you were a cow bag and need to make a heartfelt apology or she is massively oversensitive and there is little hope for your friendship.
Perhaps send a card asking them to meet you for a drink and chat? I don’t think I would try and get hold of her number.

SummaLuvin · 22/12/2022 10:18

Sounds like you, your partner, and the general group were judgemental pricks to someone who was trying to integrate with her partners friends and was made to feel bad on multiple occasions and has had enough.

Whether she goes is her choice to be discussed with her partner if he really wants her there. You say you have invited her, but did you apologise for past behaviour and let her know it would be a clean slate? Or will it feel to her like the invitation was given out of etiquette and feeling obligated to do so rather than a desire to build bridges?

Do not contact her directly if she clearly feels uncomfortable with you.

thesnow · 22/12/2022 10:19

It sounds like you might have been a bit shitty to her early on, and never made the effort to include her.

I would ask BM for her number, and do some apologising, if you care about BM at all. Maybe meet for coffee, and see if you can build bridges.

BananaSpanner · 22/12/2022 10:21

I thought you were building up to say you weren’t sure whether to invite her or not, but you have and she has declined. BM needs to decide whether to come on his own or stay at home.

What was the big fall out over? Why has she had to give you so many chances?

SoupDragon · 22/12/2022 10:21

His relationship sounds toxic.

how? It sounds like she feels she was unwelcome at the start and at subsequent meetings was an "outsider" due to being "different". Then there was an argument and she's had enough.

I do agree that the OP doesn't need to do anything other than issue the invitation (although why would the wife go if she feels unwelcome and disliked?)

Eatingjumper · 22/12/2022 10:21

To be fair, that "we didn't have the best start with her" feels like it's doing some heavy lifting there. However I wouldn't go starting anything now just for the sake of a wedding. She's been invited, that's enough. Just bloody leave it as I suspect you'll just make things worse.

PuttingDownRoots · 22/12/2022 10:22

I feel a bit sorry for BM stuck in the middle of this!
All you can do is make it clear that she is welcome and be as welcoming as possible (make sure they can sit together for example)
She has to decide whether to come
He then has to decide whether to come without her.

DH has gone to several weddings without me. I sometimes prefer it as he knows loads of people and I don't and it means he can catch up with his friends. (We have a handy childcare excuse!) I've also been to a wedding where he was one of the best men, not knowing anyone, and it was very lonely.

Ursuladevine · 22/12/2022 10:23

Rather depends on what this argument was about

Wantabub · 22/12/2022 10:23

SummaLuvin · 22/12/2022 10:18

Sounds like you, your partner, and the general group were judgemental pricks to someone who was trying to integrate with her partners friends and was made to feel bad on multiple occasions and has had enough.

Whether she goes is her choice to be discussed with her partner if he really wants her there. You say you have invited her, but did you apologise for past behaviour and let her know it would be a clean slate? Or will it feel to her like the invitation was given out of etiquette and feeling obligated to do so rather than a desire to build bridges?

Do not contact her directly if she clearly feels uncomfortable with you.

This ^

Ursuladevine · 22/12/2022 10:25

Wantabub · 22/12/2022 10:23

This ^

Show quote history

This with bells on

HomeAGnome · 22/12/2022 10:29

You'd written her off right from the start and only now , because she won't play ball you want to make up ?
Have a think @GuestlistTrouble , how would you feel in her shoes ?

MarshaMelrose · 22/12/2022 10:29

Ursuladevine · 22/12/2022 10:25

This with bells on

Show quote history

Yeah, you do sound a bit judgemental, to say the least. Hopefully you just wrote the op badly!

Beamur · 22/12/2022 10:32

For your friend - the BM, I would consider doing the following.
Send his wife a note or card and say that you understand she's declining the invitation to your wedding. That you respect her choice, but if she changes her mind she would be welcome to come.
Apologise genuinely for any previous fault in your part in the falling out you have had.
Suggest maybe that you all meet up after the wedding and start over.
If she's still reluctant to meet you, then that's it really but you will know that you have tried.

MyLifeInAMovie · 22/12/2022 10:32

He had just dated a string of fairly unstable women and to be honest, we thought she was just another one and would sooner or later disappear from our friendship group again. So we didn't have the best start with her.

What did you do? How did you all treat her?

Ursuladevine · 22/12/2022 10:33

I like the way you have skirted over the argument OP

speaks volumes that does

Snoken · 22/12/2022 10:33

You sound like my ex-SIL. She decided from the first time she met me that she didn’t like me because I wasn’t British and therefore there was no chance me and her brother would last. We ended up being married for 21 years but she was always very standoffish and cold towards me. It came to a head a couple of years ago and I decided enough was enough and I cut her out of my life completely. When she realised that had a wider impact on the rest of the family she tried to smooth things over but I was having none of it. A year later I left her brother too and I am so glad I don’t have to be subjected to her hostility anymore. It sounds like you have treated this poor woman similarly. Just leave her be.

Original poster
GuestlistTrouble · 22/12/2022 10:36

The argument was about a different friend's new girlfriend. We were discussing whether to invite friend's new girlfriend to a gig or not and BM's wife insisted we should invite her and just let the two of them decide, even though none of us liked the girl. It kicked up some dust and she went on about how we treated her like this in the beginning and that she never got an apology.

In retrospect, I admit we could have been more welcoming. To be fair to us, BM had just dated around 6-7 women in short succession and we had tried to be welcoming at the start but after the first few, it just didn't seem worth the effort. I'm really shy, too, and find it difficult to talk to people and meeting that many new people was quite stressful for me, which probably didn't help.

I don't think DF would be open to choosing a new BM, unfortunately.

OP posts:
luckylavender · 22/12/2022 10:46

@GuestlistTrouble - you leave well alone. Sounds like you've done enough damage which you are minimising.

Snoken · 22/12/2022 10:46

How is being nice to someone too much effort? You all sound like pretty horrible people who views themselves above anyone who has the misfortune of falling in love with anyone in your group. She’s had a lucky escape, don’t try and drag her back into this toxic madness.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 22/12/2022 10:47

If I have no time for someone then I don't spend time with them, it's as simple as that. You considered her 'not worth the effort', an attitude almost guaranteed to have been communicated to her. There doesn't need to be a whole lot of unnecessary static, but in her shoes I likely wouldn't expend the time, expense and energy of attending the wedding either.

I have to say, following your update in which you detail her advocacy for the inclusion of the other friend's new date, she sounds a very decent sort. There was potentially a good friend here, and I think it's a pity that opportunity has been lost.

If you want to build bridges with her, now is not the time. It will shout of self-interest and an attempt to smooth over the knots in your wedding arrangements, rather than any real concern for her or desire to make amends. She clearly doesn't want to come. Therefore, all you can do is invite her. Whether she accepts or declines is a decision for her.

Lakeyloo · 22/12/2022 10:47

Sounds like an unpleasant, cliquey group to be honest. I don't think I would want to be involved either.

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