Page 6 | Wedding Troubles - Best Man & Wife

GuestlistTrouble · 2022-12-22T10:12:54+00:00

DF and I are planning our wedding in summer next year and have run into an issue with his best man (BM). Or maybe we have, I'm not sure! When BM met his wife a few years ago, we didn't get on very well. He had just dated a string of fairly unstable women and to be honest, we thought she was just another one and would sooner or later disappear from our friendship group again. So we didn't have the best start with her. they got engaged then married, and all in all, it was fine. We saw each other every couple of months and felt we were getting on okay, despite her being really quite different from us, but we tried. Then, just before Covid hit, we had an argument and she hasn't spoken to us since. Blocked us on social media and we can't see any of her profiles. BM is still friends with us but has said his wife feels she has "given us enough second chances" and refuses to talk to us. Which was fine until now, as BM really wants her to come to the wedding with him. There will be mutual friends of ours from school and I think he is worried about the awkward conversations, and also just nervous about attending the wedding on his own. We have invited his wife but thus far she is refusing to come. Should we try to get her number from BM to talk to her or do you think that would make it worse? And if we call her, what do you even say if she picks up?! (been on and off of Mumsnet for a few years - new account as I deleted the last one after one of the data breaches)

Milkand2sugarsplease · 22/12/2022 12:22

What the bloody hell does BM want you to do if you've invited her anyway. You can't force her to come any more than he can. In fact? He's probably got more chance than you of getting her to come along. Though, if I were you, I'm not sure I'd want her there.

Mari9999 · 22/12/2022 12:24

You have issued an invitation, it is up to her to accept or decline the invitation. If her husband has issues they she be discussed with his wife rather than you.

Your group as a whole seems fairly judgemental, but that is how we make friends by judging the fit between us and the person in question.

She is neither rewarding you tor punishing you with her decision. You have done your part and now it is up to her.I would not invest anymore head space on this issue. Within a year, she may change her mind several times.

Original poster

GuestlistTrouble · 22/12/2022 12:24

There is only me and one other woman in our friendship group, so we used to be expected to welcome and include any girlfriends. I don't know why, it is just how it worked out. The guys are all straight, I have been with DF since school and the other woman in our group is my best friend and chronically single, so I don't know if it would have been different with a male partner.

For those of you accusing me of racism, we are all white, just different cultural backgrounds.

OP posts:

Lochroy · 22/12/2022 12:25

Lockheart · 22/12/2022 12:17

The gag of posters piling on to kick OP, talking about bitchy cliques and making personal attacks really need to take a good look in the mirror and then look up "irony" in the dictionary.

Er, no. This is a discussion forum amongst a bunch of random strangers and the OP chose to post in AIBU which is known for pointing out harsh truths. Sometimes the most/only effective way for an OP to see a different point of view is to realise that either there is a different point of view, or that theirs is the minority view.

I get your point, and it would be different if we were all pals sitting around together but we're not.

SaveMeCheezus · 22/12/2022 12:26

God this is all so weird. So BM acts like an absolute player continually turning up to things with his girlfriend of the week and yet it's the Women in the scenario that were the problem for you, not the BM who was your existing friend and yet apparently had no concern for your boundaries or your new-girlfriend fatigue?

It's not difficult to be nice to someone new in ANY situation though, never mind a group getting together socially. Sounds like you just didn't like new Women muscling in on 'your' Men?

I suspect this Woman has the measure of you all (except perhaps her DH, who doesn't exactly leave this situation covered in glory himself) and honestly I don't blame her for not wanting to go to your wedding if it'll be full of like-minded mean girls.

WisherWood · 22/12/2022 12:26

We were discussing whether to invite friend's new girlfriend to a gig or not and BM's wife insisted we should invite her and just let the two of them decide, even though none of us liked the girl. It kicked up some dust and she went on about how we treated her like this in the beginning and that she never got an apology.

So basically she had to stand there and listen to exactly the kind of conversation you had previously had about her? I mean it must have been quite an eye opener for her. I think you have to leave it, OP. You've invited her, she's said no. It's up to the BM whether he actually wants to come along or not. But if he doesn't, do be a bit careful about choosing a second best man. 'Hi John, we're not really besties but our actually bestie, James, doesn't want to play with us any more because we were mean to his wife, please will you be best man, you're only our second choice' is not likely to go down too well.

toastofthetown · 22/12/2022 12:26

For those of you accusing me of racism, we are all white, just different cultural backgrounds.

So not racist, but xenophobic. Splendid.

BatshitBanshee · 22/12/2022 12:27

GuestlistTrouble · 22/12/2022 12:24

There is only me and one other woman in our friendship group, so we used to be expected to welcome and include any girlfriends. I don't know why, it is just how it worked out. The guys are all straight, I have been with DF since school and the other woman in our group is my best friend and chronically single, so I don't know if it would have been different with a male partner.

For those of you accusing me of racism, we are all white, just different cultural backgrounds.

So.... Xenophobia?

Cool. That's better then.

NotSoInvisible · 22/12/2022 12:28

How is OP getting people deleted for talking about their own experience with a similar situation? A pp said they had been in a similar situation and called the people in that group ‘cunts’ but it’s been deleted.

Get a grip OP, and mumsnet moderators. Virtually everyone here agrees OP and he’d gang of bullies are the issue.

You’ve behaved appallingly OP. You need to own up to the horrible, bitchy behaviour and apologise. I wouldn’t want anything to do with any of you. I’d question my husband wanting to be part of the bully gang too.

JauntyJinty · 22/12/2022 12:29

Lockheart · 22/12/2022 12:18

Probably "hypocrisy" too.

While we're doing that maybe you can read up on false equivalence?

LolaMoon · 22/12/2022 12:29

GuestlistTrouble · 22/12/2022 12:24

There is only me and one other woman in our friendship group, so we used to be expected to welcome and include any girlfriends. I don't know why, it is just how it worked out. The guys are all straight, I have been with DF since school and the other woman in our group is my best friend and chronically single, so I don't know if it would have been different with a male partner.

For those of you accusing me of racism, we are all white, just different cultural backgrounds.

I think some self reflection would be good here looking at why literally ALL the girlfriends in your group are labelled as "unstable" or "difficult" when the men's behaviour is far from stellar either yet that is not commented upon. Even if you arent inherently racist, surely you could see how that might come across as racist to person joining your group from a different ethnicity/cultural background who has maybe experienced racism in the past and now gets the cold shoulder from yet another group of people? some empathy would not go amiss here

DrSmoot · 22/12/2022 12:30

GuestlistTrouble · 22/12/2022 11:17

The thing is, I'm not even sure what to apologise for. Yes, we could have made more of an effort to include her in conversations at the start but I feel that really should have been BM's job when he introduced her to the group. He expected us to welcome someone new every couple of weeks and include them when, to be honest, I and DF just wanted a chilled night out with close friends. It was hard work for us but sounds as if most would have found it easier.

JFC.
Still not getting that you are the issue.
It’s not just that ‘most would have found it easier’ it’s just that decent human beings would make someone feel welcome, not treat them the way you did.

RampantIvy · 22/12/2022 12:30

The argument was about a different friend's new girlfriend. We were discussing whether to invite friend's new girlfriend to a gig or not and BM's wife insisted we should invite her and just let the two of them decide, even though none of us liked the girl. It kicked up some dust and she went on about how we treated her like this in the beginning and that she never got an apology.

The thing is, I'm not even sure what to apologise for. Yes, we could have made more of an effort to include her in conversations at the start but I feel that really should have been BM's job when he introduced her to the group. He expected us to welcome someone new every couple of weeks and include them when, to be honest, I and DF just wanted a chilled night out with close friends. It was hard work for us but sounds as if most would have found it easier.

It is not as if we were the only people there, there are 7 of us who all became friends at school/uni.

All this comes across as a very cliquey, closed and unwelcoming social group. How can you not see this? You are incredibly socially unaware, racist and not very nice. I belong to a few different social groups and always make new people feel welcome. TBH I’m surprised you have any friends at all.

I'm just not very good in social situations

Clearly
Every time you post you are digging yourself into a deeper hole. Why did you ask this guy to be best man if you knew this would be a problem? And why is it her fault that you thought she was just the latest in a long list of short term “relationships”. It’s the best man who doesn’t come off well here.

There is only me and one other woman in our friendship group, so we used to be expected to welcome and include any girlfriends.

Why is that a problem? How on earth will you cope if you have children and have to advocate for them?

Is this a reverse?

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 22/12/2022 12:31

GuestlistTrouble · 22/12/2022 12:24

There is only me and one other woman in our friendship group, so we used to be expected to welcome and include any girlfriends. I don't know why, it is just how it worked out. The guys are all straight, I have been with DF since school and the other woman in our group is my best friend and chronically single, so I don't know if it would have been different with a male partner.

For those of you accusing me of racism, we are all white, just different cultural backgrounds.

Because most people are nice and welcome others. You aren't a kind person at all. You don't see why you should be welcoming to partners, it's not high school. Friendship groups change

NotSoInvisible · 22/12/2022 12:32

GuestlistTrouble · 22/12/2022 12:24

There is only me and one other woman in our friendship group, so we used to be expected to welcome and include any girlfriends. I don't know why, it is just how it worked out. The guys are all straight, I have been with DF since school and the other woman in our group is my best friend and chronically single, so I don't know if it would have been different with a male partner.

For those of you accusing me of racism, we are all white, just different cultural backgrounds.

So the two queen bees didn’t want anyone other females in the group?

TwoRockSalmonAndAHaporthOfChips · 22/12/2022 12:35

GuestlistTrouble · 22/12/2022 10:57

We have gotten much better about inviting new partners since the argument, it is not as if we have not recognised that we have some fault in this!

We were all quite young when BM met his wife, early 20s, and yes, in hindsight, we didn't do great. I just find it difficult that she can't seem to see that we have changed and move on.

But you haven’t changed and moved on if you’ve had an argument with her over freezing out another woman in the same situation she was. I’m not at all surprised she wants nothing to do with you all, with your adolescent, playground mentality.

Stick to your little group of mean girls in your echo chamber and stop bothering this woman for the sake of you feeling comfortable at your wedding. You made this situation so you’re going to have to own it.

Chickpea17 · 22/12/2022 12:36

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CatchYouOnTheFlippetyFlop · 22/12/2022 12:36

NotSoInvisible · 22/12/2022 12:32

So the two queen bees didn’t want anyone other females in the group?

Show quote history

Nail. Head.

diddl · 22/12/2022 12:40

He had just dated a string of fairly unstable women and to be honest, we thought she was just another one and would sooner or later disappear from our friendship group again.

And you think that she should apologise?

I mean you couldn't be bothered even for his sake?

Rewis · 22/12/2022 12:41

So what's the actual issue? She doesn't want to come to the wedding and therefore BM won't come? Have they issued their terms? It kind of sounds like their relationship issue is becoming your issue somehow and it all seems a bit dramatic to me from everyone.

RampantIvy · 22/12/2022 12:43

I'm struggling to believe that this group of people are old enough to get married. This is the kind of behaviour you expect from 12 year olds.

SaySomethingMan · 22/12/2022 12:51

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Motnight · 22/12/2022 12:53

Queen bee gets stung!

Blossomtoes · 22/12/2022 12:56

RampantIvy · 22/12/2022 12:43

I'm struggling to believe that this group of people are old enough to get married. This is the kind of behaviour you expect from 12 year olds.

It’s like the playground. The only person who comes out of it well is BM’s wife.

ReneBumsWombats · 22/12/2022 12:56

GuestlistTrouble · 22/12/2022 11:17

The thing is, I'm not even sure what to apologise for. Yes, we could have made more of an effort to include her in conversations at the start but I feel that really should have been BM's job when he introduced her to the group. He expected us to welcome someone new every couple of weeks and include them when, to be honest, I and DF just wanted a chilled night out with close friends. It was hard work for us but sounds as if most would have found it easier.

You're not shy, you're unwelcoming, cliquey and antisocial.

Stop trying to imply that being inclusive and welcoming to a friend's new partner is impossible for you and so easy for everyone else. You can't be that shy if you're thinking about inserting yourself directly into this issue rather than just inviting her and letting the two of them work it out.

I can see why she isn't keen on you and it seems to be a pattern with you lot and new girlfriends. Yes, it takes some effort to be welcoming to new people but you don't get a free pass just because you're antisocial "shy". You're getting out exactly what you put in.

Oh, and if you were so in with your close friends, you'd make an effort for them when they meet someone.