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Original poster

Wedding Troubles - Best Man & Wife

190 replies

GuestlistTrouble · 22/12/2022 10:12

DF and I are planning our wedding in summer next year and have run into an issue with his best man (BM). Or maybe we have, I'm not sure!

When BM met his wife a few years ago, we didn't get on very well. He had just dated a string of fairly unstable women and to be honest, we thought she was just another one and would sooner or later disappear from our friendship group again. So we didn't have the best start with her. they got engaged then married, and all in all, it was fine. We saw each other every couple of months and felt we were getting on okay, despite her being really quite different from us, but we tried.

Then, just before Covid hit, we had an argument and she hasn't spoken to us since. Blocked us on social media and we can't see any of her profiles. BM is still friends with us but has said his wife feels she has "given us enough second chances" and refuses to talk to us. Which was fine until now, as BM really wants her to come to the wedding with him. There will be mutual friends of ours from school and I think he is worried about the awkward conversations, and also just nervous about attending the wedding on his own. We have invited his wife but thus far she is refusing to come.

Should we try to get her number from BM to talk to her or do you think that would make it worse? And if we call her, what do you even say if she picks up?!

(been on and off of Mumsnet for a few years - new account as I deleted the last one after one of the data breaches)

OP posts:
MarshaMelrose · 22/12/2022 10:48

BM had just dated around 6-7 women in short succession and we had tried to be welcoming at the start but after the first few, it just didn't seem worth the effort

I don't think you're making yourself sound any better, to be honest. I'd think you'd be welcoming and friendly to all new people you meet, even if you're never going to see them more than once. Not just to people you believe are going to be permanent fixtures.

SuperSange · 22/12/2022 10:49

I'm not sure I'd want anything to do with you either, if I'd been treated like that.

You've invited her, that's all you can do. Don't call her being all nice, she'll know it's not sincere, because it isn't. You treat people shitty, this is what happens. I'd prepare for the best man withdrawing too, as I think my husband woould in the circumstances.

Ursuladevine · 22/12/2022 10:49

GuestlistTrouble · 22/12/2022 10:36

The argument was about a different friend's new girlfriend. We were discussing whether to invite friend's new girlfriend to a gig or not and BM's wife insisted we should invite her and just let the two of them decide, even though none of us liked the girl. It kicked up some dust and she went on about how we treated her like this in the beginning and that she never got an apology.

In retrospect, I admit we could have been more welcoming. To be fair to us, BM had just dated around 6-7 women in short succession and we had tried to be welcoming at the start but after the first few, it just didn't seem worth the effort. I'm really shy, too, and find it difficult to talk to people and meeting that many new people was quite stressful for me, which probably didn't help.

I don't think DF would be open to choosing a new BM, unfortunately.

How old are you all?

Shoxfordian · 22/12/2022 10:49

Sounds like you’re not nice to anyone’s new girlfriend then; I don’t blame her for not wanting anything to do with you all

edwinbear · 22/12/2022 10:51

She sounds lovely, trying to get a new gf included in the group dynamic, knowing how hard it was for her. Your group do sound very cliquey and I’d not want to be a part of that either. Just leave her be.

ChessieDarling · 22/12/2022 10:51

What a cliquey little gang you have going on.. what happened to the more the merrier? Gatekeeping a friendship group is primary school stuff.
You’ve invited her, she’s declined, there ends your input into the situation.

MamboJamboWambo · 22/12/2022 10:53

"We were discussing whether to invite friend's new girlfriend to a gig or not"

Wow. Hi Regina George now wanting to be nice to people to suit her wedding plans...

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 22/12/2022 10:54

Invite them and maybe write a note to her.

TidyDancer · 22/12/2022 10:56

Beamur · 22/12/2022 10:32

For your friend - the BM, I would consider doing the following.
Send his wife a note or card and say that you understand she's declining the invitation to your wedding. That you respect her choice, but if she changes her mind she would be welcome to come.
Apologise genuinely for any previous fault in your part in the falling out you have had.
Suggest maybe that you all meet up after the wedding and start over.
If she's still reluctant to meet you, then that's it really but you will know that you have tried.

I think this is a good idea.

OP it does sound like this woman has a genuine gripe with you. If you were hostile or blanked her etc then that's really nasty of you and I can't say I blame her for the way she feels about you. It's self preservation to remove yourself from a group that has been unkind. You need to apologise (and then some) but will the full knowledge that she has every right to not forgive your poor behaviour.

Original poster
GuestlistTrouble · 22/12/2022 10:57

We have gotten much better about inviting new partners since the argument, it is not as if we have not recognised that we have some fault in this!

We were all quite young when BM met his wife, early 20s, and yes, in hindsight, we didn't do great. I just find it difficult that she can't seem to see that we have changed and move on.

OP posts:
Ursuladevine · 22/12/2022 10:59

GuestlistTrouble · 22/12/2022 10:57

We have gotten much better about inviting new partners since the argument, it is not as if we have not recognised that we have some fault in this!

We were all quite young when BM met his wife, early 20s, and yes, in hindsight, we didn't do great. I just find it difficult that she can't seem to see that we have changed and move on.

How on earth would she have seen you’ve changed given covid and not getting together anyway since the argument

you all sound like you’re in early secondary tbh

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 22/12/2022 10:59

I just find it difficult that she can't seem to see that we have changed and move on.

You haven't done anything to show you've changed. Tbh I don't think you really have, you're not coming across here like you've changed. You all sound so unwelcoming and it's only now that it's affecting something you want, that you are bothered.

ThinWomansBrain · 22/12/2022 10:59

he is an adult - capable of attending without his wife if she doesn't wish to attend. If he'd prefer not to do that, presumably he will refuse the invitation to attend and to be best man.

ShippingNews · 22/12/2022 11:00

SummaLuvin · 22/12/2022 10:18

Sounds like you, your partner, and the general group were judgemental pricks to someone who was trying to integrate with her partners friends and was made to feel bad on multiple occasions and has had enough.

Whether she goes is her choice to be discussed with her partner if he really wants her there. You say you have invited her, but did you apologise for past behaviour and let her know it would be a clean slate? Or will it feel to her like the invitation was given out of etiquette and feeling obligated to do so rather than a desire to build bridges?

Do not contact her directly if she clearly feels uncomfortable with you.

This. I think you were awful to her. In her shoes I wouldn't go near you.

Snoken · 22/12/2022 11:00

GuestlistTrouble · 22/12/2022 10:57

We have gotten much better about inviting new partners since the argument, it is not as if we have not recognised that we have some fault in this!

We were all quite young when BM met his wife, early 20s, and yes, in hindsight, we didn't do great. I just find it difficult that she can't seem to see that we have changed and move on.

But you haven’t changed, you did to another person much later on. You just want to fix this because of your upcoming wedding, not because you actually feel remorseful or that you now suddenly like her.

Schoolchoicesucks · 22/12/2022 11:03

It sounds like you weren't great at the start.

You've invited her now though, it feels like the ball is in her court. Did you ever apologise for how you treated her? Has he suggested that you calling her to apologise and personally invite her might persuade her to come? I'd probably give that a go. If she doesn't take the call, or hung up on me, I'd probably shrug and figure I'd done what I could.

HappinesDependsOnYou · 22/12/2022 11:03

Have you actually apologised to her or just expect her to move on?

MarshaMelrose · 22/12/2022 11:07

Snoken · 22/12/2022 11:00

But you haven’t changed, you did to another person much later on. You just want to fix this because of your upcoming wedding, not because you actually feel remorseful or that you now suddenly like her.

Show quote history

I was just going to write exactly the same thing. You're still treating people the same way. And you haven't apologised because you think she's at fault for not just getting over it.
To be honest, the more you write, the worse you sound.

WallaceinAnderland · 22/12/2022 11:09

She doesn't want anything to do with you. Leave the poor woman alone.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 22/12/2022 11:09

I don’t think my husband would have wanted to marry me if I’d been so rude and unwelcoming to his friends’ partners.

N27 · 22/12/2022 11:11

It doesn’t sound like you have apologised in any way and based on your responses here your remorse sounds superficial as you seem to keep justifying your behaviour.

the fact she’s mentioned “enough second chances” suggests that you’ve been a dick on several occasions and either not realised or not cared, perhaps because she’s “different than you”?

it sounds as though as a group you are not very welcoming to newcomers, which will have been horrible for her.

what you do next depends on what your motivations are. If you just want to get her to come to appease best man then I think you should respect her decision and back off.

if you have genuinely reflected on your behaviour and would like to sincerely apologise then by all means go ahead, but I would question why this is only important for your wedding next summer and why you are not trying to repair the friendship group anyway?

MelchiorsMistress · 22/12/2022 11:14

She sounds like hard work, and like she’s made the decision that she’s not really interested in being friends with all of you. Fair enough, her choice. But there’s no way I’d be pandering to her by calling and trying to persuade her to come to your wedding.

You’ve done the right thing by inviting her, and now it’s between her and her boyfriend wether she goes or not. She should go for her boyfriends sake if she cares about him and wants to support him regardless of how she feels about you, but it’s entirely between them. Give them a date that you need to have a confirmed decision by and leave them to it.

OopsAnotherOne · 22/12/2022 11:16

Tbh OP it does sound like you were quite dismissive of her presence/relationship with BM and you admit yourself that you didn't have the best start with her. She would have noticed this, and it also sounds like there's more you're not telling us as "she's given you enough chances" implies she's already had to "move on" as you put it from quite a lot of your behaviour already and has now decided she does not see you as someone she needs in her life. That's her right.

Don't contact her being all nice now it suits you, you made your position clear to her multiple times and she's taken your behaviour and decided she does not need that sort of person in her life. She does not owe you forgiveness, especially without an apology.

I would expect the BM to withdraw so have a backup in line and perhaps in future think more carefully about how you treat people you consider temporary or disposable, or at least if you do continue to treat them poorly, expect them not to want to associate with people like you. I wouldn't want to be somewhere I didn't feel welcome, I don't know why she should be expected to either.

Original poster
GuestlistTrouble · 22/12/2022 11:17

The thing is, I'm not even sure what to apologise for. Yes, we could have made more of an effort to include her in conversations at the start but I feel that really should have been BM's job when he introduced her to the group. He expected us to welcome someone new every couple of weeks and include them when, to be honest, I and DF just wanted a chilled night out with close friends. It was hard work for us but sounds as if most would have found it easier.

OP posts:
Jingleoverthatway · 22/12/2022 11:17

You sound bloody awful. You only want to "move on" now it's causing a problem for you. You don't really care about him or his wife, I bet your gangs shitty attitude has caused no end of upset for him.

Good on his wife for sticking up for herself.

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