Page 4 | Wedding Troubles - Best Man & Wife

GuestlistTrouble · 2022-12-22T10:12:54+00:00

DF and I are planning our wedding in summer next year and have run into an issue with his best man (BM). Or maybe we have, I'm not sure! When BM met his wife a few years ago, we didn't get on very well. He had just dated a string of fairly unstable women and to be honest, we thought she was just another one and would sooner or later disappear from our friendship group again. So we didn't have the best start with her. they got engaged then married, and all in all, it was fine. We saw each other every couple of months and felt we were getting on okay, despite her being really quite different from us, but we tried. Then, just before Covid hit, we had an argument and she hasn't spoken to us since. Blocked us on social media and we can't see any of her profiles. BM is still friends with us but has said his wife feels she has "given us enough second chances" and refuses to talk to us. Which was fine until now, as BM really wants her to come to the wedding with him. There will be mutual friends of ours from school and I think he is worried about the awkward conversations, and also just nervous about attending the wedding on his own. We have invited his wife but thus far she is refusing to come. Should we try to get her number from BM to talk to her or do you think that would make it worse? And if we call her, what do you even say if she picks up?! (been on and off of Mumsnet for a few years - new account as I deleted the last one after one of the data breaches)

SnowAndIceLobelia · 22/12/2022 11:38

MintyBinty · 22/12/2022 11:22

Not a single one of your updates paints you in a better light. Not one.

You treated someone badly, now they don’t want anything to do with you. Which is absolutely her right. Why are you even on here, asking for advice?? You’re in the wrong. The only thing you can do is accept it and stop acting like you’ve been wronged somehow, simply because you didn’t get your own way for a change.

I agree with this I am afraid. I was the recipient of similar behaviour from some of DH's friends. For similar reasons- they had a 'gang' and we dismissive of incomers. I was not even invited from one of his godson's christening when we had been together 7 years or so at that point!

After being with DH for 22 years and married for 20 years I now refuse to give his so-called friends the time of day. I am not rude. I just don't engage. I don't see why I should.

dontputitthere · 22/12/2022 11:38

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Original poster

GuestlistTrouble · 22/12/2022 11:38

I'm not entirely convinced we have hurt her feelings, if anything it is the other way around BM's wife really doesn't mind confrontation. She is from a different cultural background and we all found her direct way of communicating a little difficult.

And we have never treated her badly on purpose! I'm just not very good in social situations and I think DF can sometimes get little overprotective of me when new people are around, which doesn't help. It is not as if we were the only people there, there are 7 of us who all became friends at school/uni.

It is fine, I'm getting the message, we'll leave alone.

OP posts:

DucklingDaisy · 22/12/2022 11:39

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This! You should reflect on the fact this is the consequence of your own nastiness and endeavour to be less unpleasant to people in the future. Even people you might only meet once!

DucklingDaisy · 22/12/2022 11:40

GuestlistTrouble · 22/12/2022 11:38

I'm not entirely convinced we have hurt her feelings, if anything it is the other way around BM's wife really doesn't mind confrontation. She is from a different cultural background and we all found her direct way of communicating a little difficult.

And we have never treated her badly on purpose! I'm just not very good in social situations and I think DF can sometimes get little overprotective of me when new people are around, which doesn't help. It is not as if we were the only people there, there are 7 of us who all became friends at school/uni.

It is fine, I'm getting the message, we'll leave alone.

What are your different cultural backgrounds?

GingerScallop · 22/12/2022 11:40

GuestlistTrouble · 22/12/2022 11:17

The thing is, I'm not even sure what to apologise for. Yes, we could have made more of an effort to include her in conversations at the start but I feel that really should have been BM's job when he introduced her to the group. He expected us to welcome someone new every couple of weeks and include them when, to be honest, I and DF just wanted a chilled night out with close friends. It was hard work for us but sounds as if most would have found it easier.

You were judgemental, excluded her, didn't think she was worth the effort (and there was me thinking every human is worth some effort) and now you don't know what to apologise for? So happy she values herself enough to cut off toxic discriminating people. BM dated 6-7 women in quick succession and a woman was punished for that? And the other women branded unstable? How. Have you considered that may be BM was the dickhead in these relationships? Or may be since you were all so young, everyone was just having fun? No, it's all the fault of the women. Wow Just wow

whiteroseredrose · 22/12/2022 11:41

You've invited her, so now leave it be. It is up to BM to work out.

It sounds to me like you're still not keen on her, she's not your type, so I wouldn't fret if she doesn't come.

You don't say how long she and BM have been married and what had happened in the interim.

If BM has been seeing you all separately from his wife then let that continue. BM can attend alone.

FetchezLaVache · 22/12/2022 11:42

Explain to her as you have to us

Oh, great idea.

"Florence, I know we treated you so badly at the beginning, but we assumed you were just John's latest shagpiece and couldn't be arsed to make the effort to be nice to you or even remember your name. It's nothing personal, we just like to police other women's membership of our special little friendship group, as you know from when we fell out over inviting Jade to that gig. Anyway, we didn't really do anything wrong as it was obviously on John, not us, to ensure that you were included in conversations. But anyway babes, I'm now a bit worried that people will think it's strange if the BM's wife isn't at our wedding, so I'd like to extend the opportunity for you to get over yourself and accept the invitation."

That should do the trick!

MzHz · 22/12/2022 11:42

She gave you waaaaaay more chances than I would tbh @GuestlistTrouble

in fact, you’re lucky the BM is bothered with you. You all sound awful as a group and if someone treated me or my OH like that, they wouldn’t be welcome in any part of my life.

OopsAnotherOne · 22/12/2022 11:43

"And we never treated her badly on purpose!"

Whether intentional or unintentional, the general consensus here is that you have treated her poorly, multiple times, and are now surprised that she doesn't like you or want to attend your wedding. You reap what you sow and as you don't think you have anything to apologise for, this situation doesn't seem to have a solution.

Just leave her alone, she doesn't want to be part of your wedding and nor should she be expected to.

MingeofDeath · 22/12/2022 11:43

OP, I would stop posting if I were you.

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 22/12/2022 11:43

God this is like mean girls on steroids. Are you not even ashamed. And being in early twenties doesn’t give you an excuse to be a shitty person. Who behaves like that?

Newmum0322 · 22/12/2022 11:43

Ursuladevine · 22/12/2022 10:25

This with bells on

Show quote history

Agreed!

Honestly I think the BM should tell you to get stuffed aswell!

autienotnaughty · 22/12/2022 11:43

Beamur · 22/12/2022 10:32

For your friend - the BM, I would consider doing the following.
Send his wife a note or card and say that you understand she's declining the invitation to your wedding. That you respect her choice, but if she changes her mind she would be welcome to come.
Apologise genuinely for any previous fault in your part in the falling out you have had.
Suggest maybe that you all meet up after the wedding and start over.
If she's still reluctant to meet you, then that's it really but you will know that you have tried.

This exactly

LolaMoon · 22/12/2022 11:43

And we have never treated her badly on purpose! I'm just not very good in social situations and I think DF can sometimes get little overprotective of me when new people are around, which doesn't help. It is not as if we were the only people there, there are 7 of us who all became friends at school/uni

But you admitted earlier that you werent welcoming to her because the BM had lots of previous girlfriends so you DID treat her badly on purpose- your reason for it was because of his ex girlfriends which is not her fault. If you arent good in social situations how did you form this close knit friendship group in the first place? Sorry but it seems like these are all just new excuses for treating someone poorly and then whining about why she doesnt now want to spend any time with you. Take responsibility for your actions.

dontputitthere · 22/12/2022 11:45

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 22/12/2022 11:43

God this is like mean girls on steroids. Are you not even ashamed. And being in early twenties doesn’t give you an excuse to be a shitty person. Who behaves like that?

THIS!

In fact all of the posts where people have rightly called you out

And yet you still have no fucking idea what you've done wrong

Unbelievable.

Giggorata · 22/12/2022 11:45

What jumps out at me is your phrase “it was fine until now”.

You made no effort to build bridges, following initial cliquey behaviour and what sounds like half hearted and insincere contacts.
No apologies to her, no acknowledgement of how your behaviour must have made her feel.
Any attempts to do anything now would rightly be seen as all about your wedding, not to do with your relationship with this woman.

You can try, I suppose, but if I was her, and decided to attend, it would be just for the sake of my DH, and I would be dreading it.

Notsohomely · 22/12/2022 11:47

How funny they ended up married and settled before you, with him ready to commit to her. Even though you’ve been around longer and try and police who is worth being in your friends lives.

OopsAnotherOne · 22/12/2022 11:47

LolaMoon · 22/12/2022 11:43

And we have never treated her badly on purpose! I'm just not very good in social situations and I think DF can sometimes get little overprotective of me when new people are around, which doesn't help. It is not as if we were the only people there, there are 7 of us who all became friends at school/uni

But you admitted earlier that you werent welcoming to her because the BM had lots of previous girlfriends so you DID treat her badly on purpose- your reason for it was because of his ex girlfriends which is not her fault. If you arent good in social situations how did you form this close knit friendship group in the first place? Sorry but it seems like these are all just new excuses for treating someone poorly and then whining about why she doesnt now want to spend any time with you. Take responsibility for your actions.

This ^

You didn't feel the need to include her because you thought she was just another shag for BM. You repeatedly made her feel excluded, despite her giving you multiple chances. She's literally giving you what you want - own it!! You didn't want to have to get to know her, or involve her, so she's not expecting you to. One better, she's now actively avoiding you and your little group of friends.

Own your behaviour - this is what you wanted. You didn't want to have to include her and she got the message so is keeping her distance from you and has formed a negative opinion of you due to your actions. Don't act shocked just because the decision is no longer in your hands.

Giggorata · 22/12/2022 11:48

FetchezLaVache · 22/12/2022 11:42

Explain to her as you have to us

Oh, great idea.

"Florence, I know we treated you so badly at the beginning, but we assumed you were just John's latest shagpiece and couldn't be arsed to make the effort to be nice to you or even remember your name. It's nothing personal, we just like to police other women's membership of our special little friendship group, as you know from when we fell out over inviting Jade to that gig. Anyway, we didn't really do anything wrong as it was obviously on John, not us, to ensure that you were included in conversations. But anyway babes, I'm now a bit worried that people will think it's strange if the BM's wife isn't at our wedding, so I'd like to extend the opportunity for you to get over yourself and accept the invitation."

That should do the trick!

Sorry about the second post, but this says it all. Brilliant.

toastofthetown · 22/12/2022 11:49

What exactly does an ‘overprotective’ husband mean in the context of meeting a women from another cultural background?

Newmum0322 · 22/12/2022 11:49

FetchezLaVache · 22/12/2022 11:42

Explain to her as you have to us

Oh, great idea.

"Florence, I know we treated you so badly at the beginning, but we assumed you were just John's latest shagpiece and couldn't be arsed to make the effort to be nice to you or even remember your name. It's nothing personal, we just like to police other women's membership of our special little friendship group, as you know from when we fell out over inviting Jade to that gig. Anyway, we didn't really do anything wrong as it was obviously on John, not us, to ensure that you were included in conversations. But anyway babes, I'm now a bit worried that people will think it's strange if the BM's wife isn't at our wedding, so I'd like to extend the opportunity for you to get over yourself and accept the invitation."

That should do the trick!

😂😂😂 Excellent summary, spot on!

hardboiledeggs · 22/12/2022 11:49

Can't think of why anyone would want to be friends with your lot to be honest, how horrible you all are. I'm with the girlfriend on this one.

LolaMoon · 22/12/2022 11:50

toastofthetown · 22/12/2022 11:49

What exactly does an ‘overprotective’ husband mean in the context of meeting a women from another cultural background?

I wondered that too. This is beginning to all sound quite concerning.

HomeAGnome · 22/12/2022 11:53

This is fabulous @GuestlistTrouble , yet again you've turned it around to be purely about you
I'm only here for your updates now