Page 3 | Wedding Troubles - Best Man & Wife

GuestlistTrouble · 2022-12-22T10:12:54+00:00

DF and I are planning our wedding in summer next year and have run into an issue with his best man (BM). Or maybe we have, I'm not sure! When BM met his wife a few years ago, we didn't get on very well. He had just dated a string of fairly unstable women and to be honest, we thought she was just another one and would sooner or later disappear from our friendship group again. So we didn't have the best start with her. they got engaged then married, and all in all, it was fine. We saw each other every couple of months and felt we were getting on okay, despite her being really quite different from us, but we tried. Then, just before Covid hit, we had an argument and she hasn't spoken to us since. Blocked us on social media and we can't see any of her profiles. BM is still friends with us but has said his wife feels she has "given us enough second chances" and refuses to talk to us. Which was fine until now, as BM really wants her to come to the wedding with him. There will be mutual friends of ours from school and I think he is worried about the awkward conversations, and also just nervous about attending the wedding on his own. We have invited his wife but thus far she is refusing to come. Should we try to get her number from BM to talk to her or do you think that would make it worse? And if we call her, what do you even say if she picks up?! (been on and off of Mumsnet for a few years - new account as I deleted the last one after one of the data breaches)

diddl · 22/12/2022 11:18

You sound awful Op.

No apology from you should be sincere it would just be to persuade her to come to the wedding.

Your BM should either accept & come to the wedding alone or decline imo.

SoupDragon · 22/12/2022 11:19

MelchiorsMistress · 22/12/2022 11:14

She sounds like hard work, and like she’s made the decision that she’s not really interested in being friends with all of you. Fair enough, her choice. But there’s no way I’d be pandering to her by calling and trying to persuade her to come to your wedding.

You’ve done the right thing by inviting her, and now it’s between her and her boyfriend wether she goes or not. She should go for her boyfriends sake if she cares about him and wants to support him regardless of how she feels about you, but it’s entirely between them. Give them a date that you need to have a confirmed decision by and leave them to it.

Have you read the updates where the OP admits they weren't at all welcoming when they met her (and a different new partners)?

SerenaTee · 22/12/2022 11:21

If you and your DH value your relationship with the BM, you’d make the effort to improve the relationship with his wife.

I’d reach out to the BM‘s wife, acknowledge what you regret you did/didn’t do and make clear you would appreciate a fresh start for the benefit of all concerned. Then it’s up to her how she proceeds.

MintyBinty · 22/12/2022 11:22

Not a single one of your updates paints you in a better light. Not one.

You treated someone badly, now they don’t want anything to do with you. Which is absolutely her right. Why are you even on here, asking for advice?? You’re in the wrong. The only thing you can do is accept it and stop acting like you’ve been wronged somehow, simply because you didn’t get your own way for a change.

BatshitBanshee · 22/12/2022 11:22

GuestlistTrouble · 22/12/2022 10:57

We have gotten much better about inviting new partners since the argument, it is not as if we have not recognised that we have some fault in this!

We were all quite young when BM met his wife, early 20s, and yes, in hindsight, we didn't do great. I just find it difficult that she can't seem to see that we have changed and move on.

Because you actually haven't changed. Do you live on some sort of commune that you believe you have a say in new partners coming into your group? This is bizarre. You're bizarre. I wouldn't be meeting you halfway if I was BM's wife, you're downright rude and nothing changed between her joining the group and other friends new girlfriend joining the group and you made that abundantly clear to her. You only want her now because you want her to do what you want. Seriously OP grow up.

IhearyouClemFandango · 22/12/2022 11:22

Well, you demonstrated to her that you haven't changed and moved on...hence the original argument.

Why on earth would she want to move on? She's just being very principled, is rightly saying she won't attend your wedding as you don't speak, but is happy for BM to attend.

Have you ever actually said to her, yes, we wrong to behave the way we did. I'm sorry, and I'm glad we are friends now?

Snoken · 22/12/2022 11:23

MelchiorsMistress · 22/12/2022 11:14

She sounds like hard work, and like she’s made the decision that she’s not really interested in being friends with all of you. Fair enough, her choice. But there’s no way I’d be pandering to her by calling and trying to persuade her to come to your wedding.

You’ve done the right thing by inviting her, and now it’s between her and her boyfriend wether she goes or not. She should go for her boyfriends sake if she cares about him and wants to support him regardless of how she feels about you, but it’s entirely between them. Give them a date that you need to have a confirmed decision by and leave them to it.

Why should she go for her dh sake? If anything he should not go at all to support his wife. The only person in this that has been mistreated is the poor wife. The fact that he still wants to pander to the people who have been horrible to the woman he supposedly loves shows that she really is the bigger person and that he is a prick.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 22/12/2022 11:24

You don't sound better any time you post. I hope the BM decides not to go to your wedding, maybe it'll teach you a lesson in how to be nice and welcoming in future.

Newwardrobe · 22/12/2022 11:24

In retrospect, I admit we could have been more welcoming

Yes , obviously, sounds like you are a judgmental group and she's having none of it. I don't blame her tbh.

BatshitBanshee · 22/12/2022 11:24

GuestlistTrouble · 22/12/2022 11:17

The thing is, I'm not even sure what to apologise for. Yes, we could have made more of an effort to include her in conversations at the start but I feel that really should have been BM's job when he introduced her to the group. He expected us to welcome someone new every couple of weeks and include them when, to be honest, I and DF just wanted a chilled night out with close friends. It was hard work for us but sounds as if most would have found it easier.

You're painting yourself as the snobby Queen Bee of a cliquey arsehole friend group. Quit while you're ahead.

toastofthetown · 22/12/2022 11:26

GuestlistTrouble · 22/12/2022 11:17

The thing is, I'm not even sure what to apologise for. Yes, we could have made more of an effort to include her in conversations at the start but I feel that really should have been BM's job when he introduced her to the group. He expected us to welcome someone new every couple of weeks and include them when, to be honest, I and DF just wanted a chilled night out with close friends. It was hard work for us but sounds as if most would have found it easier.

I doubt she’s cut off all contact simply due to you not making enough effort to involve her in conversations at the very start of their relationships, unless that’s very euphemistic phrasing. As you don’t seem to think you have done anything to apologise for, I’m not surprised she thinks you haven’t changed. How could you have changed when you can’t even think of reasons why you should apologise?

LolaMoon · 22/12/2022 11:26

The argument was about a different friend's new girlfriend. We were discussing whether to invite friend's new girlfriend to a gig or not and BM's wife insisted we should invite her and just let the two of them decide, even though none of us liked the girl. It kicked up some dust and she went on about how we treated her like this in the beginning and that she never got an apology

I mean, this says it all really. You seem to have a pattern of taking an active dislike to your friend's choice of partners, not just the BM's wife but other girlfriends of people in the group too. They cant all be terrible/horrible people. Whats that about? why so hostile to new partners? As for the shy thing, thats not an excuse to not be welcoming to people. Its really daunting to enter a new social group as a partner when you dont know anyone and you dont share the in jokes or friendship history that they do. i cant imagine how excluding it must feel if the friends treat you like that. Just horrible.

SundayDrives · 22/12/2022 11:26

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KalvinPhillipsBoots · 22/12/2022 11:28

You reap what you sow.

Jimboscott0115 · 22/12/2022 11:29

Ok, firstly I think it sounds like your friendship group is pretty hard to break into, which I get but I think you need to realise there isn't a monopoly on who can and can't join in with the group, but you've sort of acknowledged that and I guess it's a chance for you all to reflect and maybe change behaviours. Regardless of how many girlfriends etc BM has had, there's absolutely no harm or issue with them coming along to events etc because it's what you do for friends so I think you've been a bit unfair there.

However... There is absolutely no obligation for you to be friends with BMs partner and I'd say wedding wise the ball is in her court. She doesn't have to attend and you don't have to bend over backwards to convince her either. I mean - if I went as a plus 1 to a wedding for someone I didn't like, I wouldn't expect everyone would be my best mate, but I'd grin and bear it for my partners sake. She either does that, or doesn't attend but there's nothing for you to really do as it's down to BM and her to work out their plans. I'd be slightly nervous of BM pulling out though, but that'd be a dick move on his part because his girlfriend's friendship status with you shouldn't change his status unless it was something really bad that happened (it doesn't sound like it has).

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 22/12/2022 11:29

I wouldn't be at all surprised if you find the Best Man distances himself from you after the wedding.

It stinks of those intense relationships of your late teens /early twenties starting to unravel and often people cling on until big events like weddings are over and done with and the the drift becomes more significant.

you have invited her, it's up to them now what they decide to do. The grown up thing to do now is not feed the drama you have orchestrated over the years.

Pipsquiggle · 22/12/2022 11:29

I think you should, and need to, acknowledge to BM's wife that you were a bit shitty with her at the beginning - this admission and you showing a bit of emotional intelligence will go a long way to healing this rift.

It obviously still hurts for her as when a similar incident came up, it triggered a very emotional response. Also tell her how this incident has made you change your behaviour about welcoming people into your friendship group - thank her for this life lesson.

You need to do this ASAP. Go for a coffee with her. Explain to her as you have to us. Wouldn't it be nice if you could go out as a 4some again?

If the above doesn't happen, she shouldn't come to your wedding. Reconciliation shouldn't happen at big events

Jinglejanglesnowman · 22/12/2022 11:30

How do you not know what to say? It's clear you were treating her as a knotch on bm's bedpost instead of an actual human being with feelings. I'd start with sorry.

MiddleParking · 22/12/2022 11:31

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YellowTreeHouse · 22/12/2022 11:32

You don’t do anything. You’ve invited her now you leave it at that.

And you say you were quite young, but covid only hit 2 years ago and you had the same issue again. So no, you haven’t “changed”, you just don’t want to be affected by your own actions.

Ursuladevine · 22/12/2022 11:32

I suspect this is the first of hundreds of OPs you start about your circus wedding before the big day

MaggieFS · 22/12/2022 11:33

So you know the problem and you know what you need to do. If this is all one big friendship group, and you care about each other, you pick up the phone.
Don't make excuses about the previous girlfriends, don't minimise it and don't turn it back on her. You say you're sorry for the way you treated her initially, and you are sorry that when you had the big argument you didn't take that opportunity to apologise for it. You say you realise you've grown up and realised you were wrong.

Just dropping an invitation in the post isn't saying sorry. It's wheedling out of it and hoping she'll be ok which she obviously isn't.

Talkingmouse · 22/12/2022 11:34

Why don’t you invite them over for drinks at yours. Just the four of you. Something simple, no group, where you can chat and try to start afresh.

If the thought of that is too uncomfortable then she is right not to come to The Big Wedding and you should just leave it.

MaggieFS · 22/12/2022 11:35

GuestlistTrouble · 22/12/2022 11:17

The thing is, I'm not even sure what to apologise for. Yes, we could have made more of an effort to include her in conversations at the start but I feel that really should have been BM's job when he introduced her to the group. He expected us to welcome someone new every couple of weeks and include them when, to be honest, I and DF just wanted a chilled night out with close friends. It was hard work for us but sounds as if most would have found it easier.

Er - that's what friends do... putting themselves out for each other, welcoming new partners. Weren't you the lucky ones all happily coupled up. Tbh, the more I read the more I'm surprised he stayed friends with you.

ChessieDarling · 22/12/2022 11:37

Oh dear. It’s sounding worse and worse the more you post.