Wedding Troubles - Best Man & Wife

[GuestlistTrouble]

DF and I are planning our wedding in summer next year and have run into an issue with his best man (BM). Or maybe we have, I'm not sure!

When BM met his wife a few years ago, we didn't get on very well. He had just dated a string of fairly unstable women and to be honest, we thought she was just another one and would sooner or later disappear from our friendship group again. So we didn't have the best start with her. they got engaged then married, and all in all, it was fine. We saw each other every couple of months and felt we were getting on okay, despite her being really quite different from us, but we tried.

Then, just before Covid hit, we had an argument and she hasn't spoken to us since. Blocked us on social media and we can't see any of her profiles. BM is still friends with us but has said his wife feels she has "given us enough second chances" and refuses to talk to us. Which was fine until now, as BM really wants her to come to the wedding with him. There will be mutual friends of ours from school and I think he is worried about the awkward conversations, and also just nervous about attending the wedding on his own. We have invited his wife but thus far she is refusing to come.

Should we try to get her number from BM to talk to her or do you think that would make it worse? And if we call her, what do you even say if she picks up?!

(been on and off of Mumsnet for a few years - new account as I deleted the last one after one of the data breaches)

If I'd been treated like that, I wouldn't be coming along to your wedding either.

This - all you can do is ask her to come. If she's to immature to put any differences behind her when you have held out an olive branch there's nothing else you can do.

I don't know what your original falling out was about, but for her husband's sake she could have swallowed her pique and come to the wedding. You will have other friends there, many of whom she will also be friendly with. It's up to your BM to either persuade her, come with out her, or step down and let you know in good time so you can ask someone else to step into the role.

I don't think you sound nasty.

Some people are 'the more the merrier' some prefer a smaller group.

OP has already said that she is quiet and that the DW has a confrontational personality which I would find exhausting. And it sounds like the OP is the same.

So to those that would be terribly welcoming to everyone whether you like them or not, good for you.

But with limited free time, I'd much rather not spend it with someone argumentative. Just my nice comfortable group.

I’m 100% on her side. She was treated very poorly by you all and watched you do exactly the same to another newcomer. I’d not want to spend any time with you or go to your wedding. It sounds like there’s a lot of water gone under the bridge. I’d ask the best man what he’d like you to do if you’re so set on him being a major part of the day. And do it.

I'd also like to know what this cultural background is that has made it impossible to be welcoming and friendly to her.

But if you're so close to your nice, comfortable group - if you're so close and all that - why wouldn't you make an effort with someone new who is special to them?

Is it actually all about you?

I wonder if in this case

confrontational = not allowing others to treat you like shit?

Excellent post.

This is a very strange thread.

I feel sorry for this women who has ended up marrying the bellend of a BM.

I sincerely hope she is well able for him.

OP, unfortunately you and your partner come across REALLY poorly in your posts and it reads as quite a toxic mix that this woman has quite rightly refused to engage with.

We were discussing whether to invite friend's new girlfriend to a gig or not and BM's wife insisted we should invite her and just let the two of them decide, even though none of us liked the girl.

Your cliquey group sounds toxic and exceptionally immature. I assume the girls character assassination was done behind your poor "friends" back? Or did your friend join in with running down his new girlfriend?

Do you think you are some sort of exclusive club for arseholes and friends get to vet new partners to ensure they meet your requirements?

You should perhaps listen to the BM wife and you might learn something to your benefit.

Sounds like it.

And shy = antisocial, unwelcoming and unfriendly.

It is not that fucking hard, while out socialising with people you're already comfortable with, to ask the one new person what she does, what she enjoys, and ask her a few questions about herself.

I don't hold with this "Gen Z are all entitled twats" rubbish, but I do wonder if a generation brought up on screens and online interaction has perhaps, to some extent, never learned in person skills properly and has become too used to simply withdrawing when any kind of effort or energy is required. Of course not everyone, but I wonder if it's more common.

Then again, there have always been unfriendly, cliquey people, so maybe not.

I’m not surprised she doesn’t want to go to your wedding. I wouldn’t want to go either. You sound dreadful - you’ve been rude and unwelcoming. I can’t believe your best man is even considering going after the way you’ve treated his partner.

She was a new and entirely different person to the BM’s previous dates and deserves to be treated as such. I’d you and your partner value him, you should show his partner respect and get to know her.
Im surprised the BM is still being involved.

You are very gullible and not very good at understanding subtext. Sorry if that's too 'direct' for you.

She never stood a chance to feel part of the group because you already had negative opinions on her before you even got to know her. Maybe an apology for not being inclusive would go a long way. Ultimately if she doesn't want anything to do with you (which I wouldn't either if you can't even accept you were awful) then just move on and make it the BM problem!

This. Why are you forcing a person into doing something she doesn't want to and has clearly stated? Why are you not respecting her wishes, why it has to be your way or the highway here? I'm starting to see why she cut loose from you...

Yes this!!

You're a mean girl in a mean girl's clique.

If you really absorb and understand what people are saying, take it to heart and go from there you have a chance of healing this awful hurt. I'm surprised her DH is happy to be your DH's BM tbh.

Whatever you feel inside - social anxiety / shyness / whatever - please be aware that that isn't how you come across. Have a really good think and be absolutely honest with yourself about all this, and your part in it.

Really? so if one of your friends met someone they really liked you'd refuse to engage with them, refuse to talk to them and and insist they didnt come along to your "nice comfortable group"? Your group doesnt sound that "nice" TBH.

It's her choice if she doesn't want to come. Your best man sounds a bit wet if he is worrying about attending his best mates wedding alone. Is he a wet blanket or is this a case that his dw isn't going to let him come and he doesn't know how to tell you because of course that would show him to be in a controlling relationship and be a victim and he isn't ready to admit that?

Tell him you are sorry she refused to come but you would still love him to be there let him get involved in the seating plan and have a back up best man in line.

@GuestlistTrouble but she has moved on - without your clique!

You sound awfully entitled
Leave the woman alone.

Actions = consequences.

God, your group sounds a lot like the first time I met DHs friends in a pub. There was a mixed group of men and women and I might as well have not been there, they spent all evening cracking in-jokes and having conversations that I was unable to get involved in (talking about friends of friends I had no idea about). Even to have been asked one question as an opening would have made the world of difference. I left the pub that night almost in tears thinking it was a 'me' problem. Since seeing how how they treat DH now as an outsider I realized it's very much a 'them' problem. They are a clique of very boring dull people and when we go to meet ups it's like been sat with the Royale Family. They even talk like them, just no effort, energy or social skills between them.

I couldn't stand them for a long time and if it wasn't for DHs feelings I'd have probably had nothing to do with them either.

Yabu

It sounds like you're quite content to have the same friendship group since school, and you find it difficult to adjust to new people. Your friend had a string of girlfriends, and rightly or wrongly, you gave up trying to befriend them as they kept disappearing from your life, and it felt like a waste of effort. I can understand why you felt that way, but I don't condone what you actually did.

Maybe your friend wasn't very nice to all these women. Maybe he introduced them to his friendship group too soon. Maybe you should have made more of an effort. Maybe your other friends in the group should have tried harder too.

There are lots of maybes there, but the one clear thing is that this woman didn't do anything wrong. Her (then) boyfriend introduced her to his friends, and they didn't try to integrate her. She felt rejected, which was the correct response, given she was being rejected.

You never apologised for any of this, bumbled along, and then tried to push out a new partner from the friendship group in front of her. I'm not surprised she snapped. She could see that you definitely hadn't changed since you mistreated her.

Would you even be trying to build bridges if your fiance didn't want her husband to be his best man? (Not that I think you're really trying to build bridges very well.) Or are you reaching out now because you want something (her husband to be there)? Do you even care if she doesn't go? Do you only care because her husband doesn't want to go alone?

If you don't give a shiny shit as to whether she turns up to your wedding, as long as your fiance gets his choice of best man, you have to appreciate there is no reason why she should want to attend, and there is no reason why her husband should want to attend, knowing how you feel about his wife.

Forget the wedding. You either want to apologise and integrate her into your life, or you don't.

That’s fine. But don’t then expect these people you’ve not socialised with or welcomed to be over the moon at being invited to your wedding. And don’t expect things to go smoothly when the people you’re snubbing become partners and spouses to people from your little social group…

I have also experienced this and its so mean and unkind. If you truly care about someone, you would make an effort to include the person they love. I have also found that such cliques dont last long term with these kinds of negative attitudes. If someone is prone to being unkind, then they are unkind by nature and eventually it will seep out and affect their "friends". Most cliques that operate like this implode due to their own bitchiness and back stabbing tendencies.

Agreed.

And it sounds like the blokes just bring a new lady along and "turn her over" for the women to make small talk with. The other blokes don't bother, so all socialising is heaped on the 2 existing females. Who get bored of the role after a while and want to just have a chilled time with their mates.
M

But no, women should be kind. The op here is blamed for the whole group, including bm and op's bloke not including gf satisfactorily.