Wedding Troubles - Best Man & Wife

[GuestlistTrouble]

DF and I are planning our wedding in summer next year and have run into an issue with his best man (BM). Or maybe we have, I'm not sure!

When BM met his wife a few years ago, we didn't get on very well. He had just dated a string of fairly unstable women and to be honest, we thought she was just another one and would sooner or later disappear from our friendship group again. So we didn't have the best start with her. they got engaged then married, and all in all, it was fine. We saw each other every couple of months and felt we were getting on okay, despite her being really quite different from us, but we tried.

Then, just before Covid hit, we had an argument and she hasn't spoken to us since. Blocked us on social media and we can't see any of her profiles. BM is still friends with us but has said his wife feels she has "given us enough second chances" and refuses to talk to us. Which was fine until now, as BM really wants her to come to the wedding with him. There will be mutual friends of ours from school and I think he is worried about the awkward conversations, and also just nervous about attending the wedding on his own. We have invited his wife but thus far she is refusing to come.

Should we try to get her number from BM to talk to her or do you think that would make it worse? And if we call her, what do you even say if she picks up?!

(been on and off of Mumsnet for a few years - new account as I deleted the last one after one of the data breaches)

You seem to have very little self awareness. Ever post makes you sound worse than the last. Given that, I doubt you have even any clue as to how awful your treatment made her feel.

Even your mindset, she's different, wouldn't last etc. You wrote her off and excluded her right from the beginning wihout even giving her a chance.

She tried to highlight it again when you were treating someone else so poorly.

And it appears that this was on multiple occasions even when how nasty is was highlighted to you.

She is right to want nothing to do with you. You've put her DH in a horrible position and she seems like a very decent person in that she isn't objecting to him being BM.

If you could even put yourself in her shoes for one minute you would see how awful you behaved.

Your apology will mean nothing to her because you don't sem to understand all that you have to apologise for and it will be completely insincere.

Too many people seem to think that when you wrong someone, you wait a while, and then the next step is that they forgive you, and that if they don't, then they are at fault for 'holding a grudge' or 'refusing to move on'. No, no, no.

Here are the steps when you've wronged someone:
Acknowledge what you did, with no excuses or equivocation.
Apologise, sincerely and wholeheartedly.
Make amends in whatever way is appropriate.
Ask for their forgiveness. (They do not have to give it.)

Have you done all of this, OP? Any of it?

Whether she was hurt or not is irrelevant. She recognised you were slighting her.

What do you mean by your fiancé being "protective"?Protecting you from what?

I suspect you and others were deliberately behaving in a way to dissuade BM from bringing her along - you've been called out.

Why is your husband "over protective" about you meeting women from other cultures? is he racist?

has she fuck!

Everything is all about you.

Jeez so you were all racist as well! You make your group look worse with every post. Just be careful you don’t upon the outside of it OP!

I also don’t understand why you keep referring to him as your best man when you don’t even know if he’s coming to the wedding. Does this bloke even have any choice in the matter?

I'm not entirely convinced we have hurt her feelings, if anything it is the other way around

Brilliant, OP. It's now she who owes you an apology.

Mrs Dashwood: "They will be much more able to give you something."

I know I keep commenting but I'm actually aghast at the lack of self-awareness from one person.

I take issue with you saying you're not convinced you've hurt her feelings.

Firstly, you don't get to decide how your unpleasant actions have made her feel.

But secondly, even if you haven't hurt her, she has noticed that you are unkind, unpleasant and exclusionary. Hurt or not, she has decided (rightfully imo) that you're not the sort of person she wants bringing her down in life and she'd rather move in circles that aren't yours. She hasn't stopped her husband from attending your wedding but does not want to go herself. She doesn't have to justify whether or not you've hurt her, or whether she is even hurt. It's not your judgement to make.

She doesn't like you because of your actions. Whether she's been hurt or not, she doesn't want to associate with people like you and that's her right.

Wow, more excuses.
You must be blind to see why she doesn't want anything to do with your group.

I hope that you don't behave like that in work. At first I thought that you might not want her at drinks at your house, Christmas meet up etc, but to exclude her from conversations was appalling behaviour. It's a form of bullying. There are temporary staff who complain of exclusion by the permanent staff. I hope that you reflect on the replies and think about other areas of your life were you might be carrying on the behaviour.

In fairness to the OP there isn't actually anything in her posts that suggests that the overprotectiveness was unique to this person as a result of her different culture.

I read it more as I.e in the gig scenario provided by the OP herself, her husband is backing her up when she deliberately tries to exclude people rather than calling her out on it or encouraging her to be a bit nicer to people.

I had the misfortune to have a brief relationship with a 'best man' type in my early 20s and some of his female friends who were the main organisers of the group were completely insufferable. The relationship basically ended because it was clear they were never going to be friendly with me and made me feel so unwelcome on the occasions when my boyfriend negotiated an invite for me.

the fact that OP is using a cultural difference as an excuse to treat another human badly reads very racist to me.

No, no, no don't leave her alone, you need to apologise for what really is shitty behavior.
You recognise that you treated her badly in the beginning, you've argued with her regarding your unwelcoming treatment of another new partner into your friendship group (there's a pattern emerging here, can you see it?) which has clearly hit a nerve with BM DW.
Then you actually expect BM to attend your wedding alone after your treatment of his DW, he's expected to rock up and celebrate with people who have no respect for her, whilst she sits at home.
If I was the BM I wouldn't attend at all.
Do the right thing op, apologise, recognise your bad behavior in the apology and don't add a BUT . . . . .

No would I fuck even of invited her in the first place. You done your part she said she's not coming, end of. Dont pander to her this is your wedding and you are letting her make it about her. She can get to fuck. If her husband wants her there he can talk her round.

This is the speech to use
Absolves you from any responsibility.

You could add that you are a bit of a gentle flower who doesn’t like newbies in the group and your husband has to protect you from these newbies so that’s why you were both so cold. And the other new girlfriend you were discussing how much you don’t like and should therefore exclude was totally ok as she’s horrid and not suitable for your special group and no way should that trigger BMs wife to recall exactly how you treated her.

and of course she should get over it and come to the wedding so you don’t look like rude mean people. Only make sure she relegates herself again after the wedding as you don’t actually want to hang out with her.

job done! Champagne anyone?

ps assume it’s only the new women to the group that get the cold shoulder and all your male partners are totally welcomed right? Thought so.

I have a really strong suspicious that this woman is really pretty and has a lovely personality and you viewed this as a threat and that jealousy was a motivator for your behaviour.

The gag of posters piling on to kick OP, talking about bitchy cliques and making personal attacks really need to take a good look in the mirror and then look up "irony" in the dictionary.

Probably "hypocrisy" too.

ps assume it’s only the new women to the group that get the cold shoulder and all your male partners are totally welcomed right? Thought so

This.

100% this! You have a lot to apologise for actually OP.

You and your whole clique sound awful. What kind of 20something at uni finds it “hard” to accommodate someone else in the group? So what if previous women were just casual dates, you must have had a very different uni experience to me because nights out were basically a free for all for whoever wanted to join in. And your further excuses about why you were so standoffish and rude to this poor woman are just racist.

seriously, get over yourself. It doesn’t matter if you THINK you haven’t hurt her feelings - you have. Apologise and learn how to behave like an adult around people.

sorry id feel the same-but if he feels uncfortmable about going on is own he shoud pull out of being bm