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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner refuses to learn to drive , despite promising he would

251 replies

Itsbadbitchoclock · 21/12/2022 23:09

I’ve been with my husband for 3 years. He couldn’t drive when we first met which wasn’t too much of a problem. However, since I got pregnant (and we now have a 21 month old daughter), he has promised repeatedly to book driving lessons but never does.

My parents gave him £200 for his birthday to put towards lessons which he just spent on other things. I’ve said I’d be happy to share the cost as it would really help me out but he just hasn’t done it.

I just don’t think he understands how stressful it is to always be the person driving, always being the person who can’t drink (such as over Xmas when visiting different family members in one day) and always being the one who does the lengthy drives up to Scotland to see my sister. Not to mention the times I’ve had flu and covid and still had to drive our daughter to nursery because he can’t do it.

This evening he had the audacity to say I don’t do enough housework which irked me considering he does literally NO driving. I retaliated with this comment and he replied that they’re not comparable.

We argue about it a lot and he just doesn’t seem to understand why it’s so important to me. I’ve asked if it’s because he feels anxious about it, and that we could work through it together if so, but he laughed and denied this was the case.

AIBU to be realllllllly frustrated and fucked off?!

OP posts:
Bestcatmum · 21/12/2022 23:11

My ex husband didn't drive. He did after 6 months. There is no way I'd put up with that crap. The housework comment needs nipping in the bud too.

Cherrysoup · 21/12/2022 23:12

Don’t give him lifts anywhere until he books lessons. It really isn’t fair of him.

Deniseee89 · 21/12/2022 23:13

Can't imagine being a man and not being able to drive.. I thought that's all they think about at age 17..

Something very abnormal here

BabyOnBoard90 · 21/12/2022 23:13

YANBU. He's a grown ass man - it's important to know how to drive.

What would happen in the event of an emergency if you were incapacitated and unable to drive?

PossiblyOverstepping · 21/12/2022 23:14

My sympathies. My H doesn’t either and 15 years later I’m reluctantly accepting he never will. He also promised he would. His argument is that he is too anxious and that he does a lot of other things around the house . He does, we are 50/50 house work , but I can share everything else and he can’t share the driving. It’s tiring and frustrating and gets worse as the kids get older and need more lifts. I suspect the more pressure you put on him the less he will want to though.

postcardpuffin · 21/12/2022 23:14

I hear you - it’s the same here, ditto the complaints about how I don’t do enough housework (I’m the main/only earner, too so it really annoys me!)

Massively fed up of it as DP doesn’t seem to think of driving as an actual “job” - more like it must be something I enjoy doing that takes no effort, and so therefore discounted out of the collective household tasks.

When actually it’s tiring and sometimes stressful, esp on long drives, and someone who could do even a bit of it, even an hour of a motorway drive occasionally, would make it a huge amount easier.

HaggisBurger · 21/12/2022 23:16

Believe me - your life will be hell by the time your kid (s) are older. If you’re pissed off now you will be eaten up with resentment to be the only parent to be able to pick up for ….. insert x 200 activities.

tell him it’s non-negotiable

PossiblyOverstepping · 21/12/2022 23:17

My H sees it as just one other household job so for eg if he cooks I drive. But he just doesn’t see the pressure of always being the one on call, driving, available, awake, not drinking etc. am dreading the kids becoming teens and needing late night pick ups. Also I find I do all the mental load of their hobbies as I’m always on, and I do all the lift sharing so I’m on all the WhatsApp groups.

Smartiepants79 · 21/12/2022 23:18

Stop taking him places.
He’ll soon find out how ‘comparable’ the work load is.
Has he ever even tried it?
And £200 😲my parents would be fuming!

DenholmElliot11 · 21/12/2022 23:18

If he doesn't want to drive then he shouldn't be pressurised into doing so.

You can have drinks at home on the nights your not driving or you could get a taxi.

His remark about housework was uncalled for though

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2022 23:18

The first time I was told I didn't do enough housework would be the last. He'd be doing his own housework in his own home after that.

As to the driving, even if you're not confident enough to do long drives, there's always masses of back-and-forths that need sharing

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2022 23:19

postcardpuffin · 21/12/2022 23:14

I hear you - it’s the same here, ditto the complaints about how I don’t do enough housework (I’m the main/only earner, too so it really annoys me!)

Massively fed up of it as DP doesn’t seem to think of driving as an actual “job” - more like it must be something I enjoy doing that takes no effort, and so therefore discounted out of the collective household tasks.

When actually it’s tiring and sometimes stressful, esp on long drives, and someone who could do even a bit of it, even an hour of a motorway drive occasionally, would make it a huge amount easier.

What exactly does he bring to the table? He sounds quite unpleasant

Original poster
Itsbadbitchoclock · 21/12/2022 23:21

Thanks all. To be fair, the housework comment was because he does do a lot, but I still do some housework. Hence my retaliation that he does NO driving.
Thank you for the support. I refuse to give him lifts now, and have already stated I won’t be doing all of the lifts when our little one is older. He can go and get her in a taxi!

OP posts:
Greensleevevssnotnose · 21/12/2022 23:21

My other half doesn't drive either. We get the train everywhere or walk if we are doing something together. He pays for cabs. Train, busses etc I am not doing the driving unless it's shared.

Nimbostratus100 · 21/12/2022 23:21

Not everyone can drive, and many people know instinctively that they can't. There is no law that makes driving compulsary! If you don't want to drive, then arrange your life so you don't need a car.

WeeOrcadian · 21/12/2022 23:21

He doesn't drive - he doesn't get driven around either. Problem solved. Stop enabling him to be a lazy arsehole.

Original poster
Itsbadbitchoclock · 21/12/2022 23:22

My thoughts exactly. My mum had to drive me to the labour ward when I was giving birth…

OP posts:
Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 21/12/2022 23:23

always being the one who does the lengthy drives up to Scotland to see my sister.

I mean I think this is being a bit unfair as presumably you would still go to your sister if you were single, and unless he has relatives in Scotland he would not be going if he was single?

but this:

This evening he had the audacity to say I don’t do enough housework

I'm assuming you do all the childcare pick ups and drop offs and appointments etc whilst he gets to not worry about them so he can sod off about the housework

I think the housework comment requires a serious conversation around who or who isn't pulling their weight and who is doing what including driving

Hugasauras · 21/12/2022 23:24

Yeah I think it's a bit of a life skill tbh, especially as he doesn't even have the excuse of money as he was given the cash for lessons. It would drive me totally bonkers being with someone who wouldn't drive out of choice. I know that's not an overly popular view on MN, but I would find it very off-putting in a partner 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
Itsbadbitchoclock · 21/12/2022 23:25

100% agree! The issue is when we all need to go somewhere (ie me, him and our daughter). If I refuse to drive, it just makes all of our lives more difficult so I feel pressured into doing it.

OP posts:
mrsfollowill · 21/12/2022 23:25

I did all the driving for the first 8 yrs of our relationship- I gave DH a lift to work/picked him up etc and I really didn't mind- I used to love driving- BUT when I got pregnant I told him he had 9 months to learn/pass his test as I was not driving us home from hospital after giving birth! I also could not drive us to hospital while in labour. He learned then and these days does most of the driving- ie UK holidays. He needed that ultimatum though- was too easy for him not to bother before. Your DH is right cheeky twat saying about the 'housework' though! If it bothers him then he needs to crack on and do it himself.
I'm properly pissed off on your behalf!

BackOnTheBandWagon · 21/12/2022 23:26

DenholmElliot11 · 21/12/2022 23:18

If he doesn't want to drive then he shouldn't be pressurised into doing so.

You can have drinks at home on the nights your not driving or you could get a taxi.

His remark about housework was uncalled for though

Except he's promised he would learn. That's what makes him a twat.

Jellybean23 · 21/12/2022 23:27

What is he afraid of? There's something holding him back.

Original poster
Itsbadbitchoclock · 21/12/2022 23:27

Thank you, yeah that’s a fair comment about Scotland. Although before we had a little one, I’d zoom up without stopping but now it takes about 8-9 hours as we have to stop every 2 hours so would welcome sharing the drive. But I do hear you.
re the housework - I agree, he can fuck off 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsbadbitchoclock · 21/12/2022 23:28

That made me laugh! I love him but he’s a twat. If he didn’t want to do it, just tell me that form the outset, don’t pretend you’re going to when you’re not

OP posts: