Partner refuses to learn to drive , despite promising he would

[Itsbadbitchoclock]

I’ve been with my husband for 3 years. He couldn’t drive when we first met which wasn’t too much of a problem. However, since I got pregnant (and we now have a 21 month old daughter), he has promised repeatedly to book driving lessons but never does.

My parents gave him £200 for his birthday to put towards lessons which he just spent on other things. I’ve said I’d be happy to share the cost as it would really help me out but he just hasn’t done it.

I just don’t think he understands how stressful it is to always be the person driving, always being the person who can’t drink (such as over Xmas when visiting different family members in one day) and always being the one who does the lengthy drives up to Scotland to see my sister. Not to mention the times I’ve had flu and covid and still had to drive our daughter to nursery because he can’t do it.

This evening he had the audacity to say I don’t do enough housework which irked me considering he does literally NO driving. I retaliated with this comment and he replied that they’re not comparable.

We argue about it a lot and he just doesn’t seem to understand why it’s so important to me. I’ve asked if it’s because he feels anxious about it, and that we could work through it together if so, but he laughed and denied this was the case.

AIBU to be realllllllly frustrated and fucked off?!

I thought my son would really want to drive when he was around eighteen but turns out he doesn’t and he thinks there are way too many cars on the road as it is (he’s right). We often wonder where the heck everyone is going on a Wednesday at 11 in the morning (for example). Just car after car after car. I loved how the roads were empty during the lockdowns. He does like motorbikes though (😕). I have a friend who drives absolutely everywhere. Shop 5 minutes walk away - drive. School about the same - drive. It’s nuts.

I think the reason it isn't illegal to drive with dyspraxia is because there isn't a clear definition of dyspraxia, but in principle, I hold that true dyspraxics should not drive.

WHat professional sports people are dyspraxic? I am not aware of any! also what other symptoms are you refering to? Because poor coordination is the defining one, so I dont see how you can have dyspraxia diagnosed by other symptoms, and have coordination that is ok to drive with

I will look at the dispraxia foundation - which I have never heard of- thanks

HMm -

from the dyspraxia foundation- first thing I read

poor cordination, difficulties performing movements others can coordinate easily and....

Poor spatial awareness means more trips, bumps and bruises.

SO a higher tendency to have accidents, as a defining characteristic of dyspraxia, in the first paragraph of the dyspraxia foundation explanation of "what is dyspraxia"

I stand by what I said - you have to be immensely selfish to know you have true dyspraxia, and to choose to drive anyway.

There is a rugby player with dyspraxia for one . Forgot his name. Not sure who else.

The Dyspraxia foundation are not talking about car accidents - you know that right? Just to clarify they are are talking about accidents ie. people walking along the pavement or their house etc and bumping themselves.

Their advice re. Dyspraxia and driving is the same as medical professionals and the law ie. They do not discourage it or says it’s not possible unless I’m “extreme cases” of dyspraxia. So again one size or approach does not fit all. There is even a pdf guide to learning to drive on their page!

That is of course up to you what you choose to do but personally I’m glad many with dyspraxia and autism for that matter, are able to achieve a lot of things which may or may not be a bit more difficult for them at the start including driving because it is (for many people) a very handy useful and skill.

And as outlined in my second post with wording from the NHS page - dyspraxia affects different people differently to different extents, dyspraxia foundation website and beyond also say this . This is widely known about dyspraxia.

A qualified professional has deemed these people as dyspraxic so it’s not for anyone to impose their own litmus test and declare them not dyspraxic, based on their ability or inability to do a particular activity.

But when all is said and done while I don’t believe it is selfish or means I do agree not everyone (dyspraxia or not) is up to driving . each to their own! I’ll leave it at that.

www.ruck.co.uk/four-england-players-whove-overcame-disabilities-to-represent-their-country/4/

This changes things.

If he's prepared to use public transport to take your DD to the million-and-one activities that children do, even though it might take an hour on two different buses vs a 20-minute car journey, fair enough. If he refuses to get the bus because driving is easier, he's being unreasonable.

If you don't drive (I don't), you need to own that.

He needs to be doing his fair share of drop offs and pickups and food shops and holidays transport even without a car. I appreciate all the posts saying that it's fine to not drive and life just needs to be rearranged to avoid driving being necessary but I'm going to go against the grain and disagree. There's a cost and inconvenience of not driving. In Aus we have terrible public transport so you would need to live in a capital city for this to be viable. The price increase to housing is huge when living in a capital city. There are fewer choices for schools, it's hard to buy anything bulky or in bulk because you can't transport it, you can't go out restaurants that other people choose because it's not near public transport, you can't quickly transport the kids or respond in emergencies etc.. As a driver, I invested time and money in learning to avoid those disadvantages. I would not be thrilled to arrange my life and experience all those downsides again to facilitate a partner not being willing to learn to drive. If both partners cant drive then that's different but as a driver I couldn't live with a non driver. It's probably an unpopular viewpoint and undoubtedly selfish but I couldn't accept this.

My 33 year old brother doesn’t drive and it’s so annoying - he expects lifts everywhere and doesn’t see how he’s putting other people out by asking for them.

Driving can be a chore and your DP needs to realise that if you’re doing all the driving he needs to pick up the slack elsewhere!

It's not really up to people to choose if the public transport infrastructure doesn't exist. Which is the case in 90% of the UK.

well, that's interesting - I will look at that

Yes, I could see me possibly being quite good at rugby - not much finesse required....!

I do play team sport, with dyspraxia - I am not much good, but I will say for anyone else interested, look at defensive positions - I am very good at getting in the way! much better at that than I am at all the dodging and aiming and scoring needed at the other end of the pitch

Found the kept housewife 😂

@Nimbostratus100

Horse riding really helped my dyspraxia and I actually got quite good at it, I used to work for rides as a kid (was lucky in that I was friends with the kids from the local riding school) and the work helped me with core and general strength while the riding (initially on very patient and forgiving school masters!) Helped me to learn coordination and control. I'm not quite sure how it worked but I definitely improved.
I was just written off as careless, inattentive and clumsy as a kid, and was very bad at certain activities, especially the ones that needed fine motor skills.

And in general (not directed at who I've quoted there) -
It's frustrating as an adult at times to be written off as lazy (especially from people who drive everywhere to someone who walks, plans for public transport etc), infantile, dependant and unattractive because I can't drive, especially when I've put a lot of time, money and effort into trying, but I genuinely think I'm making a safer decision (and it's definitely better for my self esteem and pocket!) To not continue to throw money and time and effort at something that's just not happening, and if by some fluke it did, would put me and others at risk more then necessary - I do wonder if I were to pass my test one day and be out on the roads, have an accident with some of the people making derogatory comments about non drivers, how they would react if they discovered my history of dyspraxia and lots of failed tests, they'd likely be the first telling me I shouldn't be on the road because of it!

That aside I really can see the OP's frustration with her DH - he's not been honest and he's not had a conversation around it, he's taking no responsibility for himself or his child regarding transport and he's taken money intended for lessons and used it for other things. I don't think that's right.
But...... He's not going to be suddenly cured of that type of behaviour if/when he passes a driving test, it's him and who he is and a driving licence won't change that.

I can see why you’re frustrated. I often think this with my friend who keeps saying she wants to learn to drive to help her boyfriend but doesn’t!

Would it help if you taught him to drive? Alongside private lessons?

@Letitrainletitrainletitrain Childless folk are still welcome here 😊

I drive, I like driving, I don’t drink.

It pisses me off that Dh drinks each night and I am the one with all the responsibility.
If you have children, especially teens, the likelihood is your ability to drink at home is very few and far between times.

Mine used to do activities in the evening after school. Sometimes till 9 or 9.30pm so by the time they were home and sorted out it wouldn’t have left much time to drink
Dh was only home 1 week in every 4 and could drive but would be at work till after they had been dropped off and would never do collecting as he had been drinking.

In the end I stopped coming home in the evenings he was home and would either sit in my car or go to a local pub.

He got annoyed that I wasn’t there for a chat but it seemed to pass him by that I didn’t want to sit watching the clock listening to him relate his weeks news, glass of wine in hand and relaxing because his work was done.

He only once ever came to a school for a play the school was putting on

He not only went to the wrong school. He went to the wrong town.
He spent a fortune on a taxi.

He went to dc’s primary school. Dd was no longer at primary school

I think not driving when there isn’t a reason why you can’t is an indicator of lack of interest in areas of family life

WOW @Kennykenkencat - is he still your DH? I honestly, hand on heart, cannot imagine staying with someone who was so clearly checked out of what was going on in the family that he didn't realise that his own child had finished in primary school in one town and had started secondary in another. That is a huge time in a child's life when they move from primary to secondary school. Where was he for that?
What did you say when he showed up late (I'm guessing he showed up late or not at all)?

I drive but I understand other people being scared of it. On paper it's a miracle the road network functions at all - hundreds of thousands of cars all going quickly in various directions and somehow not crashing.

But the cost of not driving is far more than learning to drive and running a car

Firstly it won’t be just op changing her lifestyle. They both will have to as he is used to her driving and the cost and inconvenience of public transport could mean they will have to down size to pay for it. Not everyone lives within a cycle ride of everything they do or go.

Why should anyone change their lifestyle just because someone else can’t be arsed to do something.

We live in the same house but it is really noticeable how we now have different lifestyles.

The only reason we haven’t split up is he got diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and he has lingered.
Children don’t really have much to do with him
He was away for all of their childhood (working awayfor 3 weeks and back working in the U.K. for 1week) to the point that most people thought I was a single parent.

In hindsight we probably should have split up years ago but the job he had meant we rarely saw each other. So our differences weren’t brought into focus

Cancer then Lockdown and losing his job has meant everything can’t be ignored.

hi. I’m in the same boat as you. I’m starting to feel a lot of resentment now towards husband. We lived in a city when we met and after a few years moved back to countryside when we had a baby. Husband promised he would learn to drive as it’s a very small village. But now it’s 4 years later and another child. He did the theory test last year after months of badgering. He failed by only a couple and says he hadn’t even studied 🫣. None of his family drive, both parents and the 4 kids don’t 🤷‍♀️. I wouldn’t have moved back to countryside if he had of been honest. I’ve to do all grocery shopping all play dates, bring to activities etc. I don’t know what to do.

Ultimatum time!

You could try using a driving simulator for your husband. Perhaps that might relieve his anxiety of driving and get him hooked up when he starts to enjoy it and might want to do more.

Really weird that driving or not factors into anyone’s view of attractiveness. I can see it being relevant if you’re an easily impressed teenage girl, but not full grown adults.

I don't think it's about attractiveness, but as someone who was the only driver in the family because my late husband didn't drive, you can't underestimate the impact it has. You end up responsible for all of it. You can never go out and have a drink because you're always the driver. It isn't a deal breaker, but it isn't insignificant either.