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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner refuses to learn to drive , despite promising he would

251 replies

Itsbadbitchoclock · 21/12/2022 23:09

I’ve been with my husband for 3 years. He couldn’t drive when we first met which wasn’t too much of a problem. However, since I got pregnant (and we now have a 21 month old daughter), he has promised repeatedly to book driving lessons but never does.

My parents gave him £200 for his birthday to put towards lessons which he just spent on other things. I’ve said I’d be happy to share the cost as it would really help me out but he just hasn’t done it.

I just don’t think he understands how stressful it is to always be the person driving, always being the person who can’t drink (such as over Xmas when visiting different family members in one day) and always being the one who does the lengthy drives up to Scotland to see my sister. Not to mention the times I’ve had flu and covid and still had to drive our daughter to nursery because he can’t do it.

This evening he had the audacity to say I don’t do enough housework which irked me considering he does literally NO driving. I retaliated with this comment and he replied that they’re not comparable.

We argue about it a lot and he just doesn’t seem to understand why it’s so important to me. I’ve asked if it’s because he feels anxious about it, and that we could work through it together if so, but he laughed and denied this was the case.

AIBU to be realllllllly frustrated and fucked off?!

OP posts:

thelobsterquadrille · 22/12/2022 10:01

I think considering his age, it's pretty clear he's not going to learn now.

He can afford lessons, he has the time and you say there are no medical reasons to stop him - so basically he's just not that bothered.

Which is absolutely fine but he should have the basic decency to be honest with you about it, and then you can make a decision about what you want to do long-term.

PatchworkElmer · 22/12/2022 10:02

I’d ask struggle to be in a relationship with a non driver I think. It’s nice to share the load.

My sibling doesn’t drive. I’m on holiday this week, and our parents are unwell at home. I’m really worried that if they need help/ ferrying to hospital, there will be nobody to help them. We’re only staying an hour down the road so I’m not drinking and on high alert with phone on loud incase I need to make a mad dash to help them. It would be nice to be able to relax slightly and know that someone else had it covered if there was an emergency.

Theeyeballsinthesky · 22/12/2022 10:02

Always good to know I’m a lesser person because I can’t drive 🙄 (I’m fucking abysmal at it and really the roads are safer without me on them)

however I always use public transport and/or taxis and suck up the cost and inconvenience because it’s my problem. The difference here is that OPs DH won’t do that and that is completely out of order.

TheCallOfTheMild · 22/12/2022 10:10

We didn't have a car when I was growing up, and I was desperate to learn as soon as I was old enough and could pay for lessons. I passed my test when I was 18. I don't understand the mentality of not wanting to drive (unless you live in London). As others have said, it's a life skill. It also massively increases job opportunities.

Both of my girls learned as soon as they were old enough. My youngest is now dating a 25 year old man who doesn't drive. Ferrying him about is really starting to annoy her, and it's hampering his career.

OP it sounds like he's too anxious to drive and at his age it will be a big thing to overcome. He shouldn't have lied about his intentions. Perhaps you could consider one of the new Citroën Ami electric cars that don't require a licence?

YukoandHiro · 22/12/2022 10:20

@Deniseee89 probably grew up in London - you really don't need to. But agree once you're having kids it's an essential life skill.

Maverickess · 22/12/2022 10:21

I'd love to be able to drive, unfortunately 5 driving examiners disagree with me, no amount of mocking me, and being all high and mighty over life skills (absolute load of rubbish) derision, money spent or time and effort invested has changed that - people really need to stop seeing driving as the quality that makes a competent adult because it's not, getting yourself around, holding down a job and being independent, no matter if it's with or without the sainted driving license, is what makes you a functional adult. And stop assuming people who can't or don't drive are just lazy - getting a license relies on meeting a standard judged by someone else, it's not a God given right.
It's just an excuse to be dismissive and bitchy when people start with the essential life skills crap, it's a useful life skill, not an essential one.

That said, OPs DH has been unreasonable, don't promise something you can't deliver and don't expect to be ferried around all the time and don't take money for lessons if you're not going to use it for that purpose - it is possible to get around without a car or driving licence, even outside London! Or without being reliant on someone else for lifts (and no, paying for public transport isn't the same as relying on lifts). He can still take a fair share of ferrying around - I managed it all on my own without a driving license, because I was a single parent, my DD is now at university, and has had trips out, holidays etc - so it doesn't doom you to never leaving the house unless you're leeching off someone else unless you choose to do that - and that's where it becomes unreasonable.

AngelinaFibres · 22/12/2022 10:26

Deniseee89 · 21/12/2022 23:13

Can't imagine being a man and not being able to drive.. I thought that's all they think about at age 17..

Something very abnormal here

This. Would absolutely give me the ick.

Sunnytwobridges · 22/12/2022 10:28

userh79 · 22/12/2022 08:02

I think I'd find it really unattractive if a man couldn't drive!

Same

Herejustforthisone · 22/12/2022 10:29

Medical exemptions aside, I couldn’t help but find a man who can’t drive a bit pathetic and unattractive. Not sure why, I just would.

babyjellyfish · 22/12/2022 10:29

I think I would stop doing any housework at all until he learns to drive.

MissEDashwood19 · 22/12/2022 10:29

This would really upset me as it's selfishness really.

My SIL's partner can't drive and they live rurally, which is problematic at the best of times. She's expecting a baby next month, so my DH is on call to drive her to the hospital.

We have very small children, including a newborn, so it's far from ideal for my DH to be responsible for this.

I empathise you, but I would be reading my husband the riot act if there were no medical considerations (which there aren't in this case) and he was simply refusing to learn how to drive.

I think you need to be clear how much his refusal is impacting his family. I also can't believe he simply pocketed the money your parents gave for driving lessons and then in turn relying on them to ferry his family about when you're incapacitated.

Herejustforthisone · 22/12/2022 10:30

Seems I’m not alone. It probably comes from the image that the last woman to drive him around would have been been his mother when he was a kid. Not a role I would want to find myself in.

SallyWD · 22/12/2022 10:31

Is it anxiety? I was terrified of learning to drive. I finally learnt at 35 (13 years ago) and am still a very nervous driver. It doesn't come easily to me and I dread certain journeys. However, I can at least drive the children to their activities and if we do a long journey we share the driving. I pick the easiest parts of the journey and my DH does busy motorways etc. I sympathise if he's scared but also sympathise with you. He needs to at least try!

entropynow · 22/12/2022 10:32

Deniseee89 · 21/12/2022 23:13

Can't imagine being a man and not being able to drive.. I thought that's all they think about at age 17..

Something very abnormal here

What a stupid stereotyped attitude. I know someone who never drove because he cycled and took public transport everywhere instead. Is he "not a man"?
OP case different as child involved.

Hohoholdthesherry · 22/12/2022 10:33

If he's refusing to use public transport, then I do find that very unreasonable. And, as you say, OP, there might be anxiety underlying, but the problem is that's not what he's saying!

I agree about the cargo bike - sounds like a couple of months of taxi budget could be used to pay for it. He can take DC to nursery and go a big shop with it.

Shooshan · 22/12/2022 10:35

Neither me or DH drive, at 40.

MN are so weird about it.

babyjellyfish · 22/12/2022 10:37

The problem is, you are literally paying for his refusal to learn to drive because all of these taxis are putting a serious dent in your family budget.

If he took lessons before and was ready to pass, why didn't he?

My husband delayed learning to drive for a long time, he promised me he would as soon as we moved out of the capital - to a large town where there is still plenty of public transport, none of this taxis everywhere nonsense - and a year later when he still hadn't done it I had a meltdown one day when I was newly pregnant and said I couldn't take it any longer and he needed to get booked in for lessons right now. He did it and had passed within 6 months.

If there is some anxiety underlying this, perhaps he could pass on an automatic. There is no real need to know how to drive a manual these days.

But you need to sit him down and make it clear that this situation can't continue and you expect him to learn to drive and pass his test within the next year.

PicturesOfLily · 22/12/2022 10:37

As other pp said, would he consider automatic? This made all the difference for my dh. He was slightly different as he had lessons aged 17/18 then had an epileptic seizure and wasn’t allowed to drive for a few years. However, when he was able to get a provisional again he wouldn’t do anything about sorting lessons and was happy to walk/take public transport. This made things more awkward for me though and I often just drove him around. He realised he needed to sort it when dd came along and my nagging got too much but said he wanted to try automatic. He passed his test 3 months after his first lesson and now does most of the family driving as his car is bigger. I thought he might do his manual test after a few years but he’s happy in an automatic and I’ll get one too once my car gives up. Good luck op!

Pterrydactyl · 22/12/2022 10:37

Itsbadbitchoclock · 22/12/2022 07:41

We live in a city so there’s plenty of public transport options but he refuses to use them.

That’s just bonkers.

It’s one thing him not driving, as pp have pointed out, there may be some undisclosed issues around anxiety, phobias etc that he’s not told OP about.
Although really, he should have been open with OP about it if there was some reason for his refusal to learn to drive instead of just stringing her along with false promises.

But then to refuse to use public transport too? What reason does he have for that?

I’d really be struggling to feel sympathy for a non driver who’s refusing to learn to drive with no explanation for that, and also at the same time refusing to use the public transport available in their area.

Changes17 · 22/12/2022 10:38

My DH doesn’t drive - but doesn’t need lifts either since he cycles everywhere and has taught the kids to cycle too. They’re also now old enough to go on their own on the bus. It’s survivable in a town or city, I think, though we have had moments… Do end up doing holiday driving, but also get trains where possible.

WaltzingWaters · 22/12/2022 10:42

That would really annoy me, unless you live in a major city with easy public transport. Surely it’s rather embarrassing for him too? He definitely needs to step up and learn. Then he owes you a LOT of nights off as designated driver.

Pterrydactyl · 22/12/2022 10:51

Heronwatcher · 22/12/2022 08:23

Also one practical point (apologies if already suggested), has he considered doing an automatic car only test? A couple of my friends have done this.

I passed my test in a manual car, but I’ve also driven automatic cars since then, and automatic cars are so much easier to drive.

There’s no need to think about changing gears, which makes a big difference. It’s definitely worth a try if someone’s struggling to get to grips with learning in a manual car.

wobblybobbly · 22/12/2022 10:54

This would really bug me OP - what did your parents say when they found out he had spent it but not on what it was intended for? My parents would have been disappointed to say the least.

Jingleoverthatway · 22/12/2022 11:07

The promising to do it and not, and wasting the money from your parents would really piss me off.

My DH doesn't like driving and rarely drove until I was pregnant. He only does local driving but agrees its much easier and convenient especially once you have children - a quick 5 minutes drive to nursery is significantly easier than a 20 minute walk in the pouring rain. I do all the longer drives and holiday driving (here and abroad) but I love driving so doesn't bother me. Neither my DM or MIL drive and you can see how annoying it is for DF and FIL, especially as they all get older.

Rewis · 22/12/2022 11:08

I do think it's fine not to drive. And most people who don't have designed their lifestyle based on not driving. And that's fine.

But you can't not drive and then ask for rides, not use taxi, refuse to use public transportation, use money assigned towards driving lessons for something else, promise to learn and not follow through, have kids and not find a way to do pick ups. If you do this. Its nit aboutriving. Its just about being a selfish ass.

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