Partner refuses to learn to drive , despite promising he would

[Itsbadbitchoclock]

I’ve been with my husband for 3 years. He couldn’t drive when we first met which wasn’t too much of a problem. However, since I got pregnant (and we now have a 21 month old daughter), he has promised repeatedly to book driving lessons but never does.

My parents gave him £200 for his birthday to put towards lessons which he just spent on other things. I’ve said I’d be happy to share the cost as it would really help me out but he just hasn’t done it.

I just don’t think he understands how stressful it is to always be the person driving, always being the person who can’t drink (such as over Xmas when visiting different family members in one day) and always being the one who does the lengthy drives up to Scotland to see my sister. Not to mention the times I’ve had flu and covid and still had to drive our daughter to nursery because he can’t do it.

This evening he had the audacity to say I don’t do enough housework which irked me considering he does literally NO driving. I retaliated with this comment and he replied that they’re not comparable.

We argue about it a lot and he just doesn’t seem to understand why it’s so important to me. I’ve asked if it’s because he feels anxious about it, and that we could work through it together if so, but he laughed and denied this was the case.

AIBU to be realllllllly frustrated and fucked off?!

Deeply unattractive!! I actually think it's really selfish tbh

Alternative view: healthy and environmentally responsible.

Why is the choice between you driving or him getting a taxi/walking? Are there no buses where you are?
Do you need to be based somewhere more accessible if he is not going to drive?

He doesn't have to learn if he doesn't want to. Trains and taxis exist for a reason. Surely nursery is within walking distance?

If anything this thread has made me google intensive driving courses...

I’d be making him pay your parents back the $200 to your parents.

He's scared of it and of taking responsibility. Does he drink/take medication?

my husband doesnt drvie doesnt bothe rme but then we dont have kids

if he always said he would do it it wouold be diffferent

He could be anxious about driving. Or just might not want to. I have never had any desire to learn to drive, I used to say I would as it was expected of me. Now Im honest with myself and know its not something I want to do.

I'm shocked at all the comments about how non driver would be a deal breaker. Neither me or my DH drive, our dds are now 14 and 10. They have had plenty of experiences, did clubs and have never missed out on going somewhere, we walk, train or bus everywhere. Rarely get taxis due to cost. We have done nursery/school runs in the rain (now 40 mins each way), just need decent waterproofs and make it fun. My 14 year old is confident travelling on public transport with friends and alone, its what she's always been used to. She makes plans without the expectation I'm going to drop off or pick her up, so will make sure there's a bus or train. She is very independent and streetwise, I think this is down to always being part of the journey, I always involved them talking about which station or bus stop we needed so when she needed to do it herself it wasn't a big deal.

Just trying to show another point of view that driving isn't always necessary. We are lucky to live in a city with good public transport and live close enough that I can use my beach trolley for food shopping.

As for cost, surely buying and running a car, insurance, petrol and the lessons would be more than the odd bus/train or taxi?

Do you really live that far away from your nursery though? I do pick ups in my car sometimes but realistically I can walk it and regularly did before I learned to drive

Well that’s simply not true - I have many male friends who don’t drive.

Hi OP. I was in a very similar situation with DH. We've been married 2 years and together 3 years. DH is also similar age to yours. DH was very anti-driving having lived very happily for his entire life without driving but we're now expecting our first DC and I made it very clear to him that it was something that would come in valuable. DH wasn't especially convinced because he grew up with neither parent driving. Anyway, to his credit he learned in about 8 months. Failed one test and passed on the second go. DH still hates driving (it makes him anxious) but wants to do all the driving whilst I'm pregnant.

Do you know why your DH just won't do it? With mine it was because he was scared but feels like the more he does it the more confident he might get.

I have many male friends who don’t drive.

It may depend where you live. Somewhere rural vs the centre of a big city. If you live somewhere with no public transport, it's an awful lot harder if you don't drive.

The thing that would irk me most is he promised to do it but now won’t. I’d tell him as much and say you accept he has no gone back on his word. Then explain that since that’s the case, you will only drive half the time. And the taxi fees need to come out of his expenses, not your joint budget. I’d be firm on all of this and stick to it. He’ll soon learn to drive if he actually has reason to. At the moment he doesn’t.

We live in a city so there’s plenty of public transport options but he refuses to use them.

He refuses to learn to drive. He refuses to use public transport. What’s his problem? How does he get to work? Is he actually a grown up? How can he afford taxis? Bizarre. And he acts this way without discussing it or giving a reason too I presume? Even more bizarre.

Wow, as someone who was terrified of learning to drive and took ages to become confident I was inclined to have some sympathy for him but the housework comment and not even booking a single lesson despite the gift from your mum would have pushed me over the edge.

I think I'd find it really unattractive if a man couldn't drive!

I was that person. Didn’t pass my test at school, then no money for a car and nowhere to park it at uni, then met and married DH who could drive and owned a car. We moved to London and I used to kid myself that there was public transport so he wasn’t driving much and it wasn’t a big deal.

In reality if we wanted to do a big supermarket shop (in the days before online orders!), visited family up north or went on holiday we always drove because it was more convenient. Or rather he always drove, and it was more convenient for me. Selfishly, I learned in my 30s not due to all his complaining but because I decided I wanted to. Wow. Driving is tiring and it must be a PITA to always be the designated driver. And many drivers, not just over anxious ones, sometimes feel worried about driving long distances or in bad weather. That’s not an excuse never to learn. I feel ashamed looking back that I was so selfish for so long that I always let him do it and kidded myself that it wasn’t a big deal.

My only limited sympathy with your DH is that if you don’t drive it is really, really hard to appreciate what a burden it is being the only one who drives.

I just wanted to pick you up there - many people with dyspraxia learn to drive and do it well. My driving instructor for one reckons she has undiagnosed dyspraxia!

If you as an individual feel you’re unable to do it kudos to you for recognising that and being safe but dyspraxia doesn’t automatically discount someone from driving nor make them stupid and selfish.

This! Driving (as you’ve pointed out) out is rubbish. I can see why he doesn’t want to spend money and time in it. If he really doesn’t want to learn (which he is entitled to say) then you need to change your
lifestyle - ie be able to walk and cycle to nursery/shops/work. I can drive and I avoid it, so boring.

That was meant to say - Nor make them stupid and selfish for learning to drive

I really resented my ex husband and his non driving, I had to do everything and this continued after after our divorce sadly. Now our daughter drives she goes to him or his new wife ferries him around. I found it quite controlling in the end

I think it’s understandable if he knows instinctively he is going to be a horrible driver, or has some kind of phobia but I agree he should be open with you and explain the reasons clearly rather than stringing you along saying he’s going to learn to drive or that he was close to sitting the test last time - although of course that may be true.

Additionally why is he spending £200 a month on taxis? Is there no decent bus service where you live? Can he walk more?
I don’t drive but I’ve rarely if ever spent as much as £200 on taxis. That needs to be looked at as well since if your finances are joint that’s a waste of your money too.

Good grief this would have driven me insane. I definitely agree, sit down at a good time (everyone fed, child asleep) and discuss this honestly but firmly. I agree he doesn’t have to learn to drive but he needs to be honest with you and accept that this is going to cause you a massive pain in the neck and that he therefore needs to compensate in other areas, so yes I’d be suggesting that he does ALL the easy journeys, gets a bike and that you’ll be expecting him to cover the lion’s share of housework especially as DD gets older. No more taxis out of joint funds. And if he isn’t going to take lessons he definitely needs to start using public transport well and competently. On a longer term note I’d also discuss with him the fact that it’s going to be difficult to have more kids (it would be virtually impossible to deal with more than one set of extra curricular activities), that your DD’s choice of activities/ socialising (when older) will need to be limited, that you’ll always need to live in a town/city (hopefully the schools are decent) and that you will be more limited in terms of holidays (no long road trips or remote cottages) and that this is also a choice he will have to accept.

Why on earth should OP, who has gone to the effort and expense of learning to drive and has a car, have to "arrange her life" to avoid driving because her DH refused to learn? That makes no sense.