Partner refuses to learn to drive , despite promising he would

[Itsbadbitchoclock]

I’ve been with my husband for 3 years. He couldn’t drive when we first met which wasn’t too much of a problem. However, since I got pregnant (and we now have a 21 month old daughter), he has promised repeatedly to book driving lessons but never does.

My parents gave him £200 for his birthday to put towards lessons which he just spent on other things. I’ve said I’d be happy to share the cost as it would really help me out but he just hasn’t done it.

I just don’t think he understands how stressful it is to always be the person driving, always being the person who can’t drink (such as over Xmas when visiting different family members in one day) and always being the one who does the lengthy drives up to Scotland to see my sister. Not to mention the times I’ve had flu and covid and still had to drive our daughter to nursery because he can’t do it.

This evening he had the audacity to say I don’t do enough housework which irked me considering he does literally NO driving. I retaliated with this comment and he replied that they’re not comparable.

We argue about it a lot and he just doesn’t seem to understand why it’s so important to me. I’ve asked if it’s because he feels anxious about it, and that we could work through it together if so, but he laughed and denied this was the case.

AIBU to be realllllllly frustrated and fucked off?!

The problem here is that he’s not even willing to try learning to drive.

If he’d given learning a good try and found it too difficult, or if he had some health condition that meant he couldn’t drive, then that’d be a completely different scenario.

I feel your pain - and driving is a ‘job’ especially when kids are involved. In particular, kids who hate being in the car…

The housework comment would have me telling him pack.

Learning to drive is a basic adult skill that makes life easier, particularly when you have children.

He took money from your parents and blew it.

Are you happily married other than this?

If not, get out.

It will only get worse.

For those posters with young children concerned about driving teens?

You are right to be concerned.

The resentment and annoyance will become huge.

I agree with others.

Stop driving him anywhere.
Pull way back and think hard about whether you want this loser dragging off you forever.

I certainly wouldn't be having another child with a man child like him.

I agree, thank you for reassuring me I’m not an awful human

I would find it difficult to be in a relationship with a non driver ( unless illness/ disability was a factor)
For me it would be the expectation that I could/ should do all the driving , give them lifts etc
We have three dcs who when they were younger had numerous hobbies, classes etc
I would not be happy if my dh did not do his share of the ferrying around.
If your dh is anxious about driving then he should take steps to tackle this. Get help ffs
What would happen if you suddenly became anxious and decided not to drive anymore ?

Selfush behaviour on your dh’s part.

Actually that's a fair point which I hadn't considered (because I don't have children, I know, I shouldn't even be here...)

But actually the impact of a joint decision (I presume) is making the journey longer so i appreciate why you would like it to be a joint task

So annoying. My dh didn't for years or half heartedly did it. Eventually he did an intensive 3 day course type thing & passed his test but didn't drive much for years. We've been married 10 years & he's gone to the supermarket once a couple of months ago after I pointed out that he'd never done it.

He is nervous but will only get better from practice & he has started after I've said I'm no longer willing to do it all. We have 2 dc & they do a bit of running about. The resentment & bitterness undoubtedly builds & it is exhausting.

He may be in denial that it's not easy for you & the housework comment is shit. You could get into negotiations of time spent driving vs housework, or you could tell him you aren't willing to put up with it. Price of taxis etc for dh half of driving would have a massive impact on family finances. An honest conversation is needed. It would probably be less difficult for him to drive than negotiate 50% of childcare by himself not driving if you split.

I truly think dh & I might have ended up splitting if he hadn't started driving. Otherwise we have a good relationship.

Good luck OP, it's not easy.

Selfish

Thank you so much for your comment and insight. Sorry to hear you’ve also had the same issue. Completely agree about the price of taxis causing a strain - last month he spent more than £200 on taxis!!!!
Glad things are better for you now

I don't understand the rage about his comment on housekeeping. We'd all tell a woman who thought her DH wasn't doing his fair share to tell him to step it up. Surely it's the same?

But the driving. Sure it's his choice not to but he should bear the consequences of that eg don't drive him from pillar to post over Christmas. Drive only for those things that you want to do.

Not at all. This would be a deal breaker for me. The same as I couldn’t tolerate a man who couldn’t cook. I wouldn’t mind if I usually was the one to cook as I like doing it, but I like the option of swapping every now and again - same with driving.

I actually can't drive - I know why am I even on this thread, no children, no driving licence....

Mine is because of medical reasons and I have explored all medical options to see if I can make it possible (my eyesight) and not only can I not it would even be dangerous for me to try

But I feel guilty about my DH doing all the driving and try to minimise it as much as possible. Even down to planning trips we can do by train so he gets a chance to relax and sightsee etc

It sounds like your partner is taking your driving for granted and just assumed you will do all the running around whilst he benefits from that.

What happens if you ever want a job where you have to work away sometimes? My Dh is frequently away a week at a time so I work my life, our life, so that works. Would he be able to do all the running around? because if not make sure he doesn't hold your career back

I may be biased though because I would love to be able to drive so I get possibly unreasonably irritated on your behalf

My ex husband was the same and expected me to chauffeur him everywhere. I’d never date a man again who can’t drive.
After my divorce, I met a guy who couldn’t drive and foolishly softened my stance because he seemed so lovely. Then at the end of our first date he announced I could pick him up next time. I declined the second date.
I’ll never date a man again who can’t drive.

How did you meet?

Thank you for your support. Don’t worry, there’s no way he’s holding me back career-wise - if I ever go away, he just has to walk or get taxis. He doesn’t ever complain to be fair but it’s costing us a fortune as taxis aren’t cheap.

God, so many ‘men’ in boys bodies!!

Oh I can see how you would very quickly become resentful in that situation, it would be like having an extra child to ferry around!

There's one day a week that I pick the kids up from childcare on my way home from work. Occasionally there has been an accident on the motorway and I've been really delayed, or there's been a crisis in work and I couldn't get away on time, meaning I wouldn't be able to pick the kids up before they close at 6pm. I don't know what I would do if I couldn't phone DH and ask him to get them.

Or sometimes I actually have a bit of a life and have something planned on an evening when the kids need driving to a club.

Part of the benefit of being in a relationship when you have kids is being able to share the load, I know I've complained on here before about my DH not taking on his share of the mental load, but I think if he didn't drive and wasn't prepared to try to learn, that would frustrate me even more!

It depends where you live, I think. I know lots of people who live in places with decent trains, buses & Uber, who don’t have cars. I also know people who cycle everywhere.

If there are decent alternatives, you should relax about it, and just stop being the designated driver on nights out etc.

We’ve known each other quite a while through friends of friends, but only got together when we were in our late 30s

I think you’re right, I probably need to just put my foot down (scuse the pun) and stop enabling him as much. I just feel bad for our daughter eg if it’s raining, she would get wet if he walks her to nursery so I drive. My bad though

How would you rate guys looks 1-10?

YOu dont have to drive. You can choose to arrange your life so you dont need to. WHat happens if you get flu next week, and have a vertigo attack, and can't legally drive for 6 months? You manage without - as lots of people do who cant drive or cant afford a car

Ha where are we going with this?! 😂

It's a life skill, like swimming. I don't get adults not being able to drive and it would be a huge no, no in a potential partner if he couldn't

Barring medical conditions, not being able to drive is such a turn off! It’s so infantile. Expecting to be ferried around like some overgrown teenager? God, I’ve got the ick just typing this. It’s so - pathetic, needy, dependent… What happens if you have an accident and need taking to the hospital? Or can’t drive for a period of time? Or want a drink when you go out? Why does he get to benefit from your driving, and yet you get nothing in return? In fact, he’s just a drain on the family finances with his expectations of being taxi-driven - we’d all love a chauffeur but it’s not going to happen, is it?! Get rid, OP. He’s a leech. He values his time more than yours. Nasty.