Partner refuses to learn to drive , despite promising he would

[Itsbadbitchoclock]

I’ve been with my husband for 3 years. He couldn’t drive when we first met which wasn’t too much of a problem. However, since I got pregnant (and we now have a 21 month old daughter), he has promised repeatedly to book driving lessons but never does.

My parents gave him £200 for his birthday to put towards lessons which he just spent on other things. I’ve said I’d be happy to share the cost as it would really help me out but he just hasn’t done it.

I just don’t think he understands how stressful it is to always be the person driving, always being the person who can’t drink (such as over Xmas when visiting different family members in one day) and always being the one who does the lengthy drives up to Scotland to see my sister. Not to mention the times I’ve had flu and covid and still had to drive our daughter to nursery because he can’t do it.

This evening he had the audacity to say I don’t do enough housework which irked me considering he does literally NO driving. I retaliated with this comment and he replied that they’re not comparable.

We argue about it a lot and he just doesn’t seem to understand why it’s so important to me. I’ve asked if it’s because he feels anxious about it, and that we could work through it together if so, but he laughed and denied this was the case.

AIBU to be realllllllly frustrated and fucked off?!

Also one practical point (apologies if already suggested), has he considered doing an automatic car only test? A couple of my friends have done this.

If you don't want to drive, then arrange your life so you don't need a car.

Ah, yes. I remember my life before driving. Spending more money on housing because good public transport links were essential. Spending a fortune on taxis. Turning down jobs that required a driver’s licence or took well over an hour to get to on multiple legs of public transport despite being a short drive away. Relying on lifts from other people. Worrying about whether or not I would be offered a lift and if not, whether it would be cheeky to ask. Getting to places really early or really late to take advantage of infrequent bus or train services. Many places like out of town shopping centres being completely off limits.

Of course nobody is forced to drive, but being a non-driver is very restricting and being the non-driving partner of a driver means either forcing the driver to accept your limitations too or step up and be a chauffeur. No way would I be with someone who didn’t drive out of choice now.

The problem isn’t that he doesn’t drive, it’s that he expects you to. Refusing to use public transport when you don’t drive is a scary level of entitlement, unless everywhere you ever want to go is in walking distance.
Not driving is a totally fine (and arguably ethical) lifestyle choice if big decisions like jobs, housing, childcare, education etc are made on the basis that there won’t be access to a car. If you’ve made all those plans based on his promises to learn, he has hugely let you down.

My DSis and DBIL both drive (he learnt, reluctantly, when they had DC). However they are both rather anxious people and neither likes to drive long distances. They use public transport and taxis and have always lived somewhere with public transport, shops and schools in walking distance.

The difference is they both feel similarly and DBIL can and does drive if necessary.

Morally, your DH should pay your parents back - he took the money under false pretences.

The not using public transport thing is bonkers!

Itsbadbitchoclock

He is 41 and he has apparently had lessons before we met. He tells me he was ready to take his test…not sure if that’s true.
if there was an issue with anxiety or past accidents or something similar, I would completely understand. Just wish he would tell me if so

I agree with the others, who have suggested that you have a calm discussion and ask if he has some sort of anxiety about driving. If he was almost ready for his test, that tends to suggest not, unless he's had a crash on a lesson.

I only had a motorbike licence, when I got married. My wife got sick of long journeys on the back of it and asked me to do my test. I booked a block of ten lessons and passed in a month.

If he's got a provisional license couldn't you insure him on the car? I know you'd have to be in the car with him, but it means you're not doing all of the driving all of the time.

DBIL learnt on an automatic as suggested by a previous poster. He only really drives locally, but as he's self-employed with equipment to transport and there are two DC needing lifts sometimes, that is much better for DSis.

I'm not much of a driving fan myself but at least I have the ability to do it - there are situations where you'd be imposing a lot of unnecessary hassle on yourself and others without. I wouldn't have been able to do a couple of jobs I've held due to location, for instance. I would have lost around two hours extra a day getting DD to nursery/school. I wouldn't have been able to visit elderly DP in hospital in another area, etc.

In the OP's case, I imagine she wants him to be able to drive the car she already owns, so even if the insurance went up, it would be a net saving long term if he's spunking £200 a month on taxis?

I do think there is something in this. I've tried many times, I'm really not sure I'm safe though. Will probably keep trying but not at the moment as I have small sleepless baby

I do feel desperately guilty about it (as dh drives and we have dc) and would certainly never dismiss it as a concern. It's absolutely part of the load for sharing out. That said, I do think it's ok to have a division of labour that is fair, whilst not doing exactly the same things (playing to strengths etc) but not if one party is unhappy about it. This is the rough approach we take and then if anyone is unhappy we talk about it and try to work round it.

You're not being unreasonable, and he is, but not necessarily simply because he doesn't drive - it's the dismissing it. Needs more discussion I think.

I think your DH is getting a bit of a hard time as he does the majority of housework and shares the nursery drop offs. If he learned to drive would you start doing your fair share of housework? He should at least be acknowledging that driving is a contribution but, at least in our household, time taken on housework per week is much more than time spent driving by quite a lot.

This is a nice bit of sexist claptrap. Statistically far more men drive than women in the UK, so if not driving is a sign of arrested development then there are an awful lot of pathetic little girls in women's bodies out there.

Personally, I think if a person - male or female - is really dead set against driving then there's probably a good reason for them not to be on the road. My sister got pushed into it age 40 and has been a terrible and nervous occasional driver ever since.

My late husband didn't drive either - we worked around it. He never promised he would learn though, and in his case there was the fallout from a terrifying and traumatic accident he and his family were in when he was a pre-teen so there was a level of phobia there. He did however sometimes criticise my driving, and I shut that down (and not nicely) every time he did it.

Things were a bit tricky around the time when we had the kids, but a good friend stepped in and did the driving, and fortunately I didn't need a section so could drive again straight away.

That's really not on

I'd be so annoyed about this. My DH has never been able to drive (medical condition that disqualifies him) and it is a real pain being the only driver. If DH was choosing not to, I'd be really cross. It just seems really entitled to expect your partner to always drive, and give you lifts, when you just cba to learn.

I'm sorry but I don't like some of the mocking and derision on this thread. I do drive now but didn't for years because my first boyfriend was killed by a speeding driver. I will never forget the comments from people making out I was somehow 'less' because I didn't drive.

There are lots of people in this country who have lost friends or loved ones in awful accidents. They may not even be able to articulate that that is why they don't drive. But they aren't "less" than you because they don't.

I did exactly the same, but unfortunately my (now ex) dp kept failing his test so I was stuck with it. Its a pain being the only parent who can ferry the dc around and do all the long drives - and even more so when they become an ex and you have to do all the ferrying around for him to see them!

Lots of men don't, especially if they live somewhere with good public transport. I know a few who take the view that it's pointless, because it would cost a fortune to run a car and park it and they would only occasionally use it at weekends.

That said, in OP's situation none of that applies, and obviously her partner should stick to his agreement and get on with it.

Personally, I think if a person - male or female - is really dead set against driving then there's probably a good reason for them not to be on the road.

That may be true, but if so, he should be open about it, especially having promised to learn - and also not refuse to use available public transport. I would be seriously pissed off about an unexplained broken promise, and spending money on taxis instead of public transport. That is what is making his behaviour unreasonable.

Lots of men don't, especially if they live somewhere with good public transport. I know a few who take the view that it's pointless, because it would cost a fortune to run a car and park it and they would only occasionally use it at weekends.

One of my friends can drive, but he got rid of his car because he so rarely used it as he lives city centre; he can hire one if he needs one for a weekend or something, but no longer has the expense of running one.

That's not a choice the OP's DH is making, though.

But that's a totally different situation, not at all what the Op is describing. This isn't, "my DH has always been totally clear he doesn't want to drive and happy to adjust our life so this isn't a problem, but i'm now annoyed about it".

Of course, anyone is entitled to decide they don't want to drive but it's not onto lie about it consistently for 3 years to your other half, and it is beyond the pale to accept money from your in laws specifically for the driving lessons you have been saying you plan to get, and then spunk it on other stuff instead!

As with the majority of things in relationships, it's the lack of honest communication that is the issue. I'd be wondering why he was lying about it... OP have you considered booking him lessons and seeing if he would go if he didn't need to organise anything about it?

When I first met my partner I told him my only condition on this being able to go further was that he learnt to drive as I didn’t want to be the only one doing all the ferrying around in our relationship. He had a lesson booked the day after our first date. Sometimes you have to be firm - I hope it works out for you

His attitude is a problem. He promised to, even got money for it, and spent it on some crap. He would do it if you asked him to learn how to cook, how to paint the walls or anything else. Is he at least good father? Because husband, not so much, from what I just read.

My husband doesn’t drive.

he grew up near central London where there are buses day and night, our first house was a five/ten minute walk to buses and a tube, this house, the bus stop is opposite and ten minutes to the tube. When I first met him, I asked what he would like for Christmas, and he said a bus and tube pass, which I bought for him on the 2nd January.

Our kids all know what buses go where.

Does he want to get a licence, (he can drive, he moves the car when he cleans it) the answer is no, it really doesn’t make him less of a man though 😉

I'd be fuming. With very few exceptions, there is no reason for a grown adult to not be able to drive.

Hmmm, casual sexism.

I think the issue is agreeing to learn, and accepting money to do it, then not following through.
I had a friend in a similar situation, his inability to drive meant as they were living in a village, job choices were very limited. They aren’t together now.