Page 3 | Partner refuses to learn to drive , despite promising he would

Itsbadbitchoclock · 2022-12-21T23:09:36+00:00

I’ve been with my husband for 3 years. He couldn’t drive when we first met which wasn’t too much of a problem. However, since I got pregnant (and we now have a 21 month old daughter), he has promised repeatedly to book driving lessons but never does. My parents gave him £200 for his birthday to put towards lessons which he just spent on other things. I’ve said I’d be happy to share the cost as it would really help me out but he just hasn’t done it. I just don’t think he understands how stressful it is to always be the person driving, always being the person who can’t drink (such as over Xmas when visiting different family members in one day) and always being the one who does the lengthy drives up to Scotland to see my sister. Not to mention the times I’ve had flu and covid and still had to drive our daughter to nursery because he can’t do it. This evening he had the audacity to say I don’t do enough housework which irked me considering he does literally NO driving. I retaliated with this comment and he replied that they’re not comparable. We argue about it a lot and he just doesn’t seem to understand why it’s so important to me. I’ve asked if it’s because he feels anxious about it, and that we could work through it together if so, but he laughed and denied this was the case. AIBU to be realllllllly frustrated and fucked off?!

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 21/12/2022 23:47

Deniseee89 · 21/12/2022 23:45

How would you rate guys looks 1-10?

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🤔

Original poster

Itsbadbitchoclock · 21/12/2022 23:49

That’s true. I think I do need to be more assertive and only do it when it suits me. Thank you

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Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 21/12/2022 23:49

Itsbadbitchoclock · 21/12/2022 23:45

I think you’re right, I probably need to just put my foot down (scuse the pun) and stop enabling him as much. I just feel bad for our daughter eg if it’s raining, she would get wet if he walks her to nursery so I drive. My bad though

In fairness some fresh air and exercise will do her good and in a decent rain coat she will be fine

Can he get her to nursery every day or home from nursery every day around work? Of he can I would be inclined to make him 50% responsible for running her around now, to stop you from being the default parent

Original poster

Itsbadbitchoclock · 21/12/2022 23:50

You’re right, she’ll be fine! To be fair, he does walk her twice a week as I wouldn’t have time before work, so he does do some of the ferrying. It’s just the times when we can’t walk somewhere that it annoys me

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Dinosauratemydaffodils · 21/12/2022 23:52

How old is he? Has he ever had a lesson?

Even though I have a valid driving license, dh does 99.9 percent of the driving these days. One day when dc1 was a newborn, I had a sudden and overwhelming urge to drive into a tree at high speed. I obviously didn't and was subsequently diagnosed with postpartum psychosis. That was nearly 8 years ago. I keep telling myself I'll drive more but I can't over come the fear that it will happen again and this time, I won't be able to stop myself. Sometimes things aren't always simple and if shame is mixed in...

Nimbostratus100 · 21/12/2022 23:54

Justcallmebebes · 21/12/2022 23:46

It's a life skill, like swimming. I don't get adults not being able to drive and it would be a huge no, no in a potential partner if he couldn't

Many people cant. And Many people can but are legally banned, for medical reasons, which can happen to anyone, anytime, with no warning, and might happen to you tomorrow.

Original poster

Itsbadbitchoclock · 21/12/2022 23:55

Oh gosh, well I think it’s completely reasonable that you prefer not to drive.
He is 41 and he has apparently had lessons before we met. He tells me he was ready to take his test…not sure if that’s true.
if there was an issue with anxiety or past accidents or something similar, I would completely understand. Just wish he would tell me if so

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emmylousings · 21/12/2022 23:57

He's anxious about it. I was. He needs to admit it and face it. My dad avoided it, left all driving to my mum and its not fair.

buckeejit · 21/12/2022 23:57

@Letitrainletitrainletitrain absolutely different situation where there's a medical condition that prevents you driving. My friend's dh has epilepsy so he can't drive. It's really not the same & you shouldn't feel any guilt over this

Original poster

Itsbadbitchoclock · 21/12/2022 23:58

I suspect the same - thank you for your insight. I think it’s pretty normal to feel anxious about it as it’s a big thing! Just wish he’d be more open about how he feels about it

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Nimbostratus100 · 21/12/2022 23:59

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 21/12/2022 23:52

How old is he? Has he ever had a lesson?

Even though I have a valid driving license, dh does 99.9 percent of the driving these days. One day when dc1 was a newborn, I had a sudden and overwhelming urge to drive into a tree at high speed. I obviously didn't and was subsequently diagnosed with postpartum psychosis. That was nearly 8 years ago. I keep telling myself I'll drive more but I can't over come the fear that it will happen again and this time, I won't be able to stop myself. Sometimes things aren't always simple and if shame is mixed in...

Exactly, there are many many reasons people cant drive.

I cant drive because of dyspraxia. WHereas it isn't illegal to drive with dyspraxia, and some people do, it is incredibly dangerous, stupid and selfish to do so

You can't drive becasue of a different medical issue.

It isn't compulsary, and it isn't always possible. SOme people cant sing, some people cant play football, some people can't drive. We are all different. Just becasue many of the population find it straight forward, that doesn't mean it is for everyone. What if it was something that you found impossible, that everyone was slagging you off for not doing, saying you were not a proper adult, dont have life skills, and are less atractive as a partner for?

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 22/12/2022 00:01

Itsbadbitchoclock · 21/12/2022 23:50

You’re right, she’ll be fine! To be fair, he does walk her twice a week as I wouldn’t have time before work, so he does do some of the ferrying. It’s just the times when we can’t walk somewhere that it annoys me

Can he increase that to 5 days a week? You might feel less resentful the rest of the time if you aren't carrying so much of the burden the majority of the time

We always made house decisions based on how close schools, gps, shops and dentists were within walking distance so I've always being able to be independent and not rely on my DH. The only time he drives me is for joint hobbies, nights out if he doesn't want to drink and holidays where we don't get other transport. I would hate to be over reliant on my DH or on expensive taxis.

I think because men, traditionally, do less of the running around with kids, between that and the housework crack he might be thinking some jobs should be yours anyway.

Nimbostratus100 · 22/12/2022 00:01

buckeejit · 21/12/2022 23:57

@Letitrainletitrainletitrain absolutely different situation where there's a medical condition that prevents you driving. My friend's dh has epilepsy so he can't drive. It's really not the same & you shouldn't feel any guilt over this

It might not be a different situation, he might just instinctively know that he cant. I am sure there are things you instinctively know you cant do -

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 22/12/2022 00:01

I would never have married, let alone had a baby with a man who cannot drive. TOTAL dealbreaker for me. I know that's a useless statement, but I can't offer any advice at all. It's too late now. He won't bother. With most people, as long as someone else is chauffeuring them about they won't ever be arsed to learn to drive.

ABBA73 · 22/12/2022 00:03

Not everyone is suited to driving. A few of my ex-dps haven't been able to drive and it hasn't been a problem for me.

I feel very strongly about road safety so if someone is genuinely scared about driving I would much prefer them to be in the passenger seat beside me rather than in the driving seat.

It sounds to me like he's too embarrassed to admit that he's too anxious to learn.

BellePeppa · 22/12/2022 00:03

Nimbostratus100 · 21/12/2022 23:59

Exactly, there are many many reasons people cant drive.

I cant drive because of dyspraxia. WHereas it isn't illegal to drive with dyspraxia, and some people do, it is incredibly dangerous, stupid and selfish to do so

You can't drive becasue of a different medical issue.

It isn't compulsary, and it isn't always possible. SOme people cant sing, some people cant play football, some people can't drive. We are all different. Just becasue many of the population find it straight forward, that doesn't mean it is for everyone. What if it was something that you found impossible, that everyone was slagging you off for not doing, saying you were not a proper adult, dont have life skills, and are less atractive as a partner for?

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I know. There are some quite vile people on here. Being told if you don’t drive you’re less than desirable, needy, intolerable, unworthy etc. Does that go for us women who don’t drive as well? Do men think we’re yuck?

buckeejit · 22/12/2022 00:04

Also what was worse for me was the what if scenarios. Not only are you left doing all the driving but are then responsible for that & if you are sick, break a leg etc, there's an unfair extra burden on you for the travel responsibility.

My dd was diagnosed with a chronic illness this last year & initially had a lot of hospital appointments miles away. Dh had to train & taxi a couple as I couldn't get out of work & it was a pita. Even when he had to TKD her to the local gp he struggled parking in the smaller spaces & every time we go now dd says, oh be careful parking as it was really bad the day daddy came!

Letitrainletitrainletitrain · 22/12/2022 00:06

buckeejit · 21/12/2022 23:57

@Letitrainletitrainletitrain absolutely different situation where there's a medical condition that prevents you driving. My friend's dh has epilepsy so he can't drive. It's really not the same & you shouldn't feel any guilt over this

I get it, it's just I'm fiercely independent and hate letting my disability impact my life or my DHs life

I guess I just don't understand why someone would choose to be reliant on someone else when they don't have to be but then I do get peoples points that it might be anxiety related

I'm making this about me now though which wasn't my point so I will shut up and let people get back to the Op 😁

Original poster

Itsbadbitchoclock · 22/12/2022 00:06

I know that’s not funny but the comment about ‘daddy’s parking’ made me laugh!
To be fair, I’m crap at parking!
I hope they’re ok now x

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Original poster

Itsbadbitchoclock · 22/12/2022 00:08

I completely agree that different people have different skills, abilities and things they’re less good at. I’m crap at housework for example (hence his comment). I think I just get frustrated that he promises he will do it and gets annoyed with me for asking but it’s been 2 years of asking now!

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GrumpyPanda · 22/12/2022 00:09

Get him a cargo bike for Christmas and make him take over all the nursery runs. Kids love getting chauffeured in them, and you can put up a rain cover. Cheaper in the long run than all these taxis.

Original poster

Itsbadbitchoclock · 22/12/2022 00:09

I think so too. If he feels like he would be unsafe then I wouldn’t ever force him into it. I just wish he would communicate with me rather than fobbing me off with empty promises

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Original poster

Itsbadbitchoclock · 22/12/2022 00:10

That’s actually a bloody brilliant idea

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Judgyjudgy · 22/12/2022 00:15

Not at all. Deeply unattractive!! I actually think it's really selfish tbh

Vallmo47 · 22/12/2022 00:18

I don’t agree with any insults and the more you pressurise him the less likely he is to go ahead. I say that as someone who extremely reluctantly felt forced into learning how to drive in my 30’s. After a shit load of lessons and feeling bullied and belittled by my instructors (and yes I did try many) I eventually passed my test. Driving on my own, being in charge of the vehicle on my own brought on such incredible anxiety in me it is my firm belief it brought on my psychosis. Boy, aren’t people in the family glad they pressurised me into driving - I used to be an ok passenger but now even that stresses me out.

He could be lazy OP, he could have spent his lifetime terrified up until this point. Who knows.
Never pressurise anyone, it doesn’t always end well.