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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not collect my 18 year old daughter

336 replies

tengreenbottleshanging · 21/12/2022 21:28

so she went off to have a treatment and was due to meet a friend after.I dropped her there. I came home , started a film and have had two glasses of wine so cant drive. She rang for me to collect her. She is a mile away , its well lit and a cool night where I am..no snow etc. She is losing the head that I wont/cant collect her. AIBU

OP posts:
rosemarysalter · 22/12/2022 21:39

Crikey! There must be buses

A mile is 20 minutes at most

Pickingmyselfup · 22/12/2022 21:44

Life is risky! I walk that distance at 36 and am in no less danger than an 18 year old.

If it's well lit, before midnight and busy ish the chances of something happening are slim. Yes it could happen but I could fall down the stairs tomorrow and break my neck but my parents didn't forbid me from living somewhere with stairs.

It's hard to let go as a parent, if I had my way my kids wouldn't be out of my sight until I died but that would be insane. We not only have to trust in their decisions but it's also luck too. Wrong place at the wrong time equals death. Murder aside, how many accidents have happened to grown adults that resulted in their death and a lot of it is just the wrong place wrong time.

Sarah Everard is someone they sticks in our mind and something that should never have happened but I think in her case the time of day was irrelevant. If it was 1pm it could have happened.

CheesenCrackersmm · 22/12/2022 21:47

A mile? A fucking mile? I cannot believe you are even asking the question.

Tell her to walk. It is not a trek through the fecking Gobi Desert.

Keeper11 · 22/12/2022 22:05

I am sorry if my Sarah Everard post was not clear. The point I was trying to make is that safety can never be guaranteed even on a short walk home. We have never established in this particular scenario if the 18 year old was just being lazy and demanding a lift home, or if she was genuinely anxious. Of course all teenagers should know how to call a taxi and should make their own plans for getting home safely. BUT if this had failed and the girl in question was frightened to walk the mile home, personally I would go to meet her. I think the normal police advice is to keep together, rather than walk alone.
As far as I am concerned this is not about spreading alarm, but more about offering a bit of comfort to a scared youngster.

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/12/2022 22:08

Keeper11 · 22/12/2022 22:05

I am sorry if my Sarah Everard post was not clear. The point I was trying to make is that safety can never be guaranteed even on a short walk home. We have never established in this particular scenario if the 18 year old was just being lazy and demanding a lift home, or if she was genuinely anxious. Of course all teenagers should know how to call a taxi and should make their own plans for getting home safely. BUT if this had failed and the girl in question was frightened to walk the mile home, personally I would go to meet her. I think the normal police advice is to keep together, rather than walk alone.
As far as I am concerned this is not about spreading alarm, but more about offering a bit of comfort to a scared youngster.

@Keeper11

op said her daughter was talking about being cold not scared

sheepdogdelight · 22/12/2022 22:12

Whatmeagain · 22/12/2022 20:33

I would not have let my 18-year-old daughter walk home in the dark at 9.30pm. I’m sure she would be safe but I’d never forgive myself if anything happened. You see plenty of pedestrians being killed or injured by motorists and at this time of the year there is far more risk of people drink driving. I wouldn’t drive if I’d been drinking but would at least walk along to
meet her. Not ideal but at least it would meet her halfway. Can’t do much about the cold though!

How is you walking half way to meet your daughter going to make her less likely to be killed or injured by a motorist? Surely that's just increasing your family risk i.e you might be hurt instead?

SnozPoz · 22/12/2022 22:17

you can't drive but if she feels scared walking home along at night why don't you say you will walk half way to meet her?

Liorae · 22/12/2022 22:54

SnozPoz · 22/12/2022 22:17

you can't drive but if she feels scared walking home along at night why don't you say you will walk half way to meet her?

She doesn't feel scared. She didn't even pretend to be scared. Such a lot of projection on this thread.

Montypi · 22/12/2022 23:02

She’s 18. Why would you collect her? I wouldn’t dream of asking my mother to collect me at that age. Have another glass of wine and remind her that she’s an adult.

Charmian1957 · 22/12/2022 23:18

I would say walk. You can not go and fetch her. She sjould not asume, but they do! If you have a dod or dogsvmeet her half way. Dogs would love a walk. You could order her a taxi. Or if she walks tell her to call you & talk the wjole way home. Then she would feel safer as would you. I have done that before now. My daughter calls me & talks the whole eay home. Bad people not sure who the person is talking too & knows that the person walking is talking to somebody who can call the police if a problem starts. Do not feel guilty at all.

Beveren · 22/12/2022 23:22

Keeper11 · 22/12/2022 19:06

Hang on, just think how you would feel if your daughter came to harm on this mile long walk home. It is not clear how late it is? But I would definitely walk down to meet her. You are quite entitled to enjoy a couple of glasses of wine, and you must not feel guilty about this and you dare not drive. But I am afraid that 18 years old or even older, we should always be there for our kids if safety is involved

It's perfectly clear how late it was, as OP was posting just before 9.30 pm.

What would walking down to meet her achieve in terms of making her safer? She'd either be waiting on her own or walking part way on her own. A determined assailant is just as likely to go after two women as one.

If we always have to be there for our kids if safety is involved, what should I do about my 18 and 20 year old daughters coming home from work after dark at the same time, given that they work in opposite directions and I can't meet both of them? And should I accompany them going to work as well, given that statistically it's more dangerous crossing the road than walking home after dark?

Or should I allow them to develop independence and continue to leave them to it, as they have managed to keep themselves perfectly safe for some years now without me rushing around after them?

Autumn61 · 22/12/2022 23:37

So the 9% that think you should have picked her up condone drink-driving ? Wonder if it’s the same ones that thought Jeremy Clarkson’s sexist, mysogynistic,racist rant at Meghan Markle was ok too !

Missyc11 · 23/12/2022 01:48

OP, YANBU, does DD Really want you to drive after having a drink? And in this weather.....offer to get her a cab and then I hope she appreciates and apologises. I have and never would do that to my parents

Missyc11 · 23/12/2022 01:49

Autumn61 · 22/12/2022 23:37

So the 9% that think you should have picked her up condone drink-driving ? Wonder if it’s the same ones that thought Jeremy Clarkson’s sexist, mysogynistic,racist rant at Meghan Markle was ok too !

Well said

Missyc11 · 23/12/2022 01:51

CheesenCrackersmm · 22/12/2022 21:47

A mile? A fucking mile? I cannot believe you are even asking the question.

Tell her to walk. It is not a trek through the fecking Gobi Desert.

👏

yummumto3girls · 23/12/2022 02:00

I wouldn’t want my 18 year old DD walking home alone in the dark.

generalh · 23/12/2022 02:33

I am assuming 36 hrs later the daughter managed the long trek home?

luluw41 · 23/12/2022 02:48

How was she originally planning to get home after meeting the friend?

OctobersDaughter · 23/12/2022 03:15

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2022 22:00

At 18 I backpacked half way around the world on my own without a mobile phone then moved to a city I didn’t know for uni. Neither uncommonly adventurous…

Show quote history

I lived on my own at 18. I can't believe the replies in this thread. No OP YANBU.

RedAndBlueStripedGolfingUmbrella · 23/12/2022 03:21

A mile?! I'm a non driver, that's a 20 minute walk, that's nothing!
Yes, it would have been nice if you gave a lift, but you can't. She presumably has legs and can use them 😁
Disclaimer I'm presuming OP isn't living in Gangland Central and can walk down the street safely without fearing for their life

RedAndBlueStripedGolfingUmbrella · 23/12/2022 03:25

yummumto3girls · 23/12/2022 02:00

I wouldn’t want my 18 year old DD walking home alone in the dark.

A mile is a 15 minute walk though, 20 tops depending on how fast you walk.
Suppose depends on area. I'd walk that any time and I live in a town, I still do and did at that age in my parent's country village too

Stewball01 · 23/12/2022 05:20

I wouldn't want her to walk alone in the dark considering what's going on nowadays. At least go and meet her halfway and don't let her hitchhike.

Blackheath95 · 23/12/2022 06:03

Stewball01 · 23/12/2022 05:20

I wouldn't want her to walk alone in the dark considering what's going on nowadays. At least go and meet her halfway and don't let her hitchhike.

Would you let your 18 year old go travelling or to uni? If yes, then what is the difference?

Maireas · 23/12/2022 08:28

A 20 minute walk at 9.30pm in a safe area for an 18 year old? Why is that a problem?
She'll probably be going to university soon.

FrostyFifi · 23/12/2022 08:49

When i was 18 my mum was in her late fifties, barely over five foot tall and already had osteoporosis.
I was 5 ft 7, swam and played hockey.

Who do you think would have stood a better chance of getting away from a dodgy situation?

Yet according to posters here, my tiny mum with her shit night vision would have been grotesquely uncaring for not heading out into the night to meet her lazy arse daughter.