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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not collect my 18 year old daughter

336 replies

tengreenbottleshanging · 21/12/2022 21:28

so she went off to have a treatment and was due to meet a friend after.I dropped her there. I came home , started a film and have had two glasses of wine so cant drive. She rang for me to collect her. She is a mile away , its well lit and a cool night where I am..no snow etc. She is losing the head that I wont/cant collect her. AIBU

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 22/12/2022 10:16

i was out everywhere before 18-she just sounds lazy

fenellavonspurtz · 22/12/2022 11:01

Nicknacky · 21/12/2022 21:42

What are you talking about?!

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Maybe Putin is going to spring out on her on her walk home?

booklovingmum · 22/12/2022 11:20

@fenellavonspurtz this made me snort in the aldi queue 😂😂

HikingforScenery · 22/12/2022 12:28

FurAndFeathers · 22/12/2022 10:03

Would you not be a bit disappointed that you’d raised an adult who was incapable of ordering their own taxi/Uber?

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Very disappointed but in the moment, her safety would be paramount. We’d definitely be taking steps to build her independence up.

Devoutspoken · 22/12/2022 12:33

Blackheath, I was kind of joking, but a mile is not very far, and if daughters complaint was that she was cold, one could meet her half way with warm stuff and then walk home together having a nice chat - not beyond the realms of possibility!

SpicyFoodRocks · 22/12/2022 12:37

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 21/12/2022 23:56

EXACTLY! Some of the posts on here are fucking disgusting and shameful. I can't believe anyone thinks like this is real life. I don't know anyone who does actually. 'errrr yeah daughter, get your fucking self home at nearly 10 at night in the dark.. just walk the mile alone. You'll be fine suck it up. I know someone who walks 4 miles when trains are on strike yeah right! get a grip and walk you lazy mare!'

Yep. Wouldn't happen. Not to anyone I know. All the parents I know care about their children - under 18 AND over 18 - far too much.

This thread is toxic. I'm out.

oh P.S. If a mile is fuckall, and it's OK for the daughter to walk it in the dark late at night, why @tengreenbottleshanging are you not getting off your arse and walking to where your daughter is and walking BACK with her? Or is it only OK for HER to walk alone late at night? Hmm

As I say, I'm out. Horrible thread.

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Why are you so upset and angry?

audeloquipalam · 22/12/2022 12:51

Reads like the OP isn’t the only one posting after a glass of wine or two. One mile is about 5 laps of a footy pitch. I’m not sure what some people think about the realities of night time walking / staggering if / when their 18 yo daughters go to Uni and live in the cheapest / sketchiest part of town.

SpicyFoodRocks · 22/12/2022 12:52

Goodness. What a read.

I like threads like this. My husband sometimes makes out that I am overprotective and mollycoddle our children. However when I read stuff like this it makes me feel like a super cool chilled mum.

I’m relatively new here but I thought Mumsnet was a ‘middle-class’ place. But now I understand that these are parents who actually do not want their daughters to go to university, take a gap year or go interrailing after their A-levels. Because even though they are 18 they should not be walking at all in the dark. In winter it becomes dark after 4 pm and these 18-year-olds should be at home with Mummy and not walking the streets in the dark.

I accept these opinions are well-intentioned and come from a place of love. But you are restricting your kids and not letting them grow. You are stifling them by your own fear.

Disgusting perpetrators will always exist. But you cannot keep your kids home after 5pm in the winter when they are 16 plus and not allow them to go to or return from their friends’ houses alone. That’s just so weird.

My teen daughter can walk home from the tube in the winter after 5pm. I can understand an unlit rural track night feel less safe to some. She will soon be at university and I am glad she is growing in independence. i feel we have done well as parents. She knows we love her and are always there for her but we won’t baby her.

I actually feel sorry for some of the teens here who are not allowed to grow up.
Some people really do live their entire lives in irrational fear. What a shame for them and their kids.

poefaced · 22/12/2022 12:54

Who the fuck can afford a cab for their 18yo for every walk home in the dark?!

It gets dark at 4pm at the moment.

It's only a mile and I trust OP's judgement that it's safe.

Her DD is not worried about the safety aspect, she's moaning that it's cold. It will teach to dress for the weather in future.

margegunderson · 22/12/2022 13:06

curvymumma79 · 21/12/2022 21:53

@BethJ62 yes. Maybe she doesn't feel safe walking on her own?

Would you of felt safe at 18?

I was a student at 18 and walked miles and miles at all times of day and night.

Upsidedownagain · 22/12/2022 13:17

SpicyFoodRocks · 22/12/2022 12:52

Goodness. What a read.

I like threads like this. My husband sometimes makes out that I am overprotective and mollycoddle our children. However when I read stuff like this it makes me feel like a super cool chilled mum.

I’m relatively new here but I thought Mumsnet was a ‘middle-class’ place. But now I understand that these are parents who actually do not want their daughters to go to university, take a gap year or go interrailing after their A-levels. Because even though they are 18 they should not be walking at all in the dark. In winter it becomes dark after 4 pm and these 18-year-olds should be at home with Mummy and not walking the streets in the dark.

I accept these opinions are well-intentioned and come from a place of love. But you are restricting your kids and not letting them grow. You are stifling them by your own fear.

Disgusting perpetrators will always exist. But you cannot keep your kids home after 5pm in the winter when they are 16 plus and not allow them to go to or return from their friends’ houses alone. That’s just so weird.

My teen daughter can walk home from the tube in the winter after 5pm. I can understand an unlit rural track night feel less safe to some. She will soon be at university and I am glad she is growing in independence. i feel we have done well as parents. She knows we love her and are always there for her but we won’t baby her.

I actually feel sorry for some of the teens here who are not allowed to grow up.
Some people really do live their entire lives in irrational fear. What a shame for them and their kids.

Totally agree. How will teens ever learn to assess and manage risk if mummy rushes to their rescue every time? The Sarah Everard case hit the headlines partly because these cases are very uncommon. Living means taking a certain amount of risk, and not just from depraved sexual predators.

If one of my dds was out in a very tricky situation, yes, I would go to fetch them, order an uber, buy a train ticket or whatever it took.

But OP's dd was not in such a situation. She was not worried about her safety nor was her mother. She just wanted a warm lift, but that hadn't been pre- arranged and couldn't happen. I presume OP posted wanting some sympathy about her entitled dd, but she mostly got a lot of ridiculous, misplaced, vitriol from posters who didn't seem to actually have read the OP's post.

EarthlyNightshade · 22/12/2022 13:38

HikingforScenery · 22/12/2022 12:28

Very disappointed but in the moment, her safety would be paramount. We’d definitely be taking steps to build her independence up.

Show quote history

It didn't sound like safety was the issue here though.

What do you mean about building up her independence? Do you mean so she would feel ok to walk home, or that she would be able to organise herself so she was not in this situation?

I really feel for people who are afraid to be out in the dark (i.e after 4 pm in winter, and early morning too), there are real reasons to be afraid, I totally get that, but it's a difficult way to live.

AmberAndAlexsMum · 22/12/2022 17:57

Well, if she walks home she'll soon warm up.

Justbefair · 22/12/2022 18:05

Goodness me, the younger generation have become far too reliant on parents giving lifts. Not to hark back to the day but we did used to walk, bus or bike everywhere, traffic was still busy, parks dark etc. X

Seahorsemama · 22/12/2022 18:05

Uber

IDidntKnowItWasAParty · 22/12/2022 18:06

Obviously you cant, youve been drinking. Order her an uber/taxi

sheepdogdelight · 22/12/2022 18:18

16 year old DD works a mile away from home. It's never occurred to me or her that she does other than gets herself home at 8pm. (Safe well lit route through residential area).

Presumably if OP's DD is having a strop, this is because she's used to her mum taking her everywhere though?

Meredithmama · 22/12/2022 18:43

Remind her that your name is Mom not Uber. Honestly you have a right to go home and have a couple of glasses of wine. You cannot be expected to wait on her just in case her plans changed.

Keeper11 · 22/12/2022 19:06

Hang on, just think how you would feel if your daughter came to harm on this mile long walk home. It is not clear how late it is? But I would definitely walk down to meet her. You are quite entitled to enjoy a couple of glasses of wine, and you must not feel guilty about this and you dare not drive. But I am afraid that 18 years old or even older, we should always be there for our kids if safety is involved

Manasprey · 22/12/2022 19:12

Keeper11 · 22/12/2022 19:06

Hang on, just think how you would feel if your daughter came to harm on this mile long walk home. It is not clear how late it is? But I would definitely walk down to meet her. You are quite entitled to enjoy a couple of glasses of wine, and you must not feel guilty about this and you dare not drive. But I am afraid that 18 years old or even older, we should always be there for our kids if safety is involved

But that could be every single time they go out! Ds has a half hour walk to school then home every day. He's in yr8.There are some proper scary kids in his school. There are cars that drive too fast in low light. Should I book him a taxi every day?

I know it's harking back to the ancient days pre2000, but I never asked my mum for lifts anywhere within walking distance. I used to barmaid at 18, then walk home any time from 1130 until 3!

sheepdogdelight · 22/12/2022 19:28

Keeper11 · 22/12/2022 19:06

Hang on, just think how you would feel if your daughter came to harm on this mile long walk home. It is not clear how late it is? But I would definitely walk down to meet her. You are quite entitled to enjoy a couple of glasses of wine, and you must not feel guilty about this and you dare not drive. But I am afraid that 18 years old or even older, we should always be there for our kids if safety is involved

OP gives no suggestion the area is unsafe.
And, if it is unsafe, she's as likely to come to harm herself.
How would her daughter feel if her mum came to harm when coming to meet her?

Missingpop · 22/12/2022 19:29

You’ll be kicking yourself if anything untoward happens to her phone tell her you’ve arranged a taxi to pick her up give the name of the taxi firm; the name of tge driver & a password so she doesn’t get into so dirty old pervs car; yes she’s but your her parent be the adult & help her work it out the safest way possible x

PeachyPeachTrees · 22/12/2022 19:30

At 18 I wouldn't have even called for a lift, I'd have just walked the 1 mile home. It's hardly a big deal.

FurAndFeathers · 22/12/2022 19:33

Missingpop · 22/12/2022 19:29

You’ll be kicking yourself if anything untoward happens to her phone tell her you’ve arranged a taxi to pick her up give the name of the taxi firm; the name of tge driver & a password so she doesn’t get into so dirty old pervs car; yes she’s but your her parent be the adult & help her work it out the safest way possible x

Do you not think that almost 24 hours late, your advice may be obsolete?

FurAndFeathers · 22/12/2022 19:34

Keeper11 · 22/12/2022 19:06

Hang on, just think how you would feel if your daughter came to harm on this mile long walk home. It is not clear how late it is? But I would definitely walk down to meet her. You are quite entitled to enjoy a couple of glasses of wine, and you must not feel guilty about this and you dare not drive. But I am afraid that 18 years old or even older, we should always be there for our kids if safety is involved

It’s pretty clear. It was around 9.30 pm yesterday.