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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not collect my 18 year old daughter

336 replies

tengreenbottleshanging · 21/12/2022 21:28

so she went off to have a treatment and was due to meet a friend after.I dropped her there. I came home , started a film and have had two glasses of wine so cant drive. She rang for me to collect her. She is a mile away , its well lit and a cool night where I am..no snow etc. She is losing the head that I wont/cant collect her. AIBU

OP posts:
PhillySub · 22/12/2022 19:39

Wants to be a grown up and have a social calendar but doesn't want to take responsibility for getting herself home.

Mumofthreeteenagers · 22/12/2022 19:45

for women, there is no safe area to walk alone and safe. no where. But you were over limit and she was being entitled.

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/12/2022 20:00

Devoutspoken · 22/12/2022 12:33

Blackheath, I was kind of joking, but a mile is not very far, and if daughters complaint was that she was cold, one could meet her half way with warm stuff and then walk home together having a nice chat - not beyond the realms of possibility!

@Devoutspoken

op doesn’t wanna scout round the house looking for hats n scarves and then walk out in the cold and then meet her daughter and “have a nice chat”

she wants to sit in the warm and watch her film and drink her wine

and who can blame her? I’m sure she works hard. Even mothers deserve chill out time.

Gingersnappy · 22/12/2022 20:01

personally, i would've just walked myself home at 18 y/o if my mom told me she had been drinking and i just would've asked her to stay on the phone with me or i would've called a friend. however, the world is a bit different these days, so as a mom, i probably would've offered to walk to meet her halfway

EarthlyNightshade · 22/12/2022 20:07

Keeper11 · 22/12/2022 19:06

Hang on, just think how you would feel if your daughter came to harm on this mile long walk home. It is not clear how late it is? But I would definitely walk down to meet her. You are quite entitled to enjoy a couple of glasses of wine, and you must not feel guilty about this and you dare not drive. But I am afraid that 18 years old or even older, we should always be there for our kids if safety is involved

I'd be a bit worried that DD would never learn independence if I always picked her up. She could move away next year and not have the skills needed to get herself around.
How would you feel then, if she didn't know how to call a taxi herself or was literally confirmed to her accommodation once darkness feel because she had no one to give her a lift?
If she was worried about her safety, I would be there like a shot - this did not sound like a safety thing.

UsingChangeofName · 22/12/2022 20:14

I don't know why you are so upset and angry @WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps . It probably is best that you have stepped away from the thread - I hope life gets better for you soon.

It's horrible and awful when men perpetrate violance against women. But 1000's of women walk alone in London every night (and many more across the UK). The vast majority of lone journies are safe. In the same way the vast majority of car journies dint result in a horrible ccident. Many people get in cars without a second thought, yet accidents can happen. We agree not in control of what might happen...There is a small risk in most things we do. Should we stop doing other things. We agree very poor at assessing real risk

This. People walk all over the country, every day, evening and night of the year. The terrible cases that make the news are obviously awful, but they make the news, and are remembered because they are so shocking, and so statistically rare.
As parents we need to teach our young people to risk assess, and be confident in their ability to live independently of us. Many of us have dc living away from home at 18, and we have to trust they have learned enough from us to be able to look after themselves and keep themselves safe. I would be embarrassed if my dc couldn't do that at 18.

Clawdy · 22/12/2022 20:14

curvymumma79 · 21/12/2022 21:44

Can you walk and meet her half way?

That's what I would do.

TurtleTriplets · 22/12/2022 20:15

It's a mile!! Honestly how on earth do we expect our children to function as adults if they can't walk a mile home at 9.30pm!

OP you were not being unreasonable at all. I hope you enjoyed your wine.

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/12/2022 20:22

Soooo much mollycoddling!!

you mums that would rush to pick her up or walk to meet her….did you really get that from your own parents?? never walking on your own in the dark??

if you didn’t, ask yourself why and ask yourself why you feel compelled to do it for your daughter. Cos the streets aren’t any more dangerous now than they were 20, 30,40,50 years ago

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/12/2022 20:22

Clawdy · 22/12/2022 20:14

That's what I would do.

Show quote history

@Clawdy

but why??

and if you think it’s not safe for your dd, why would it be safe for you?

Blackheath95 · 22/12/2022 20:24

Sorry but can someone remind me how this 18 year old is going to function when they go to uni or into the workforce? Or would some of you be happy to drive half way round the country when your dds have a big night out? And obviously they are way too young and precious to catch the bus or train to work so will you be doing that as well?

Whatmeagain · 22/12/2022 20:33

I would not have let my 18-year-old daughter walk home in the dark at 9.30pm. I’m sure she would be safe but I’d never forgive myself if anything happened. You see plenty of pedestrians being killed or injured by motorists and at this time of the year there is far more risk of people drink driving. I wouldn’t drive if I’d been drinking but would at least walk along to
meet her. Not ideal but at least it would meet her halfway. Can’t do much about the cold though!

Keeper11 · 22/12/2022 20:34

Everybody’s take on this is different and interesting. I am not sure that I agree that it is as safe to walk home now as it was when I was a teenager 50 years ago. I don’t doubt there were maybe just as many potentially violent people around, but they did not have the ability to move so far. That is not so many cars etc. Even now I am in my 70s, if my granddaughter suggested she was worried about walking home, I would go to meet her. If I thought she was being lazy or entitled, I would be more hesitant, but I am pretty certain I would still go, rather than take any risks with her safety.

Inwiththenew · 22/12/2022 20:44

I’d walk to meet her. It’s only a mile as you say.

myfaceismyown · 22/12/2022 20:48

Erm, goodness me, we are pandering to these young adults! A mile along a safe well lit road is nothing. You don't need a taxi or Uber, just one foot in front of the other and home before she has time to finish moaning about how unfair it all is. Jeez.

UsingChangeofName · 22/12/2022 20:50

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/12/2022 20:22

@Clawdy

but why??

and if you think it’s not safe for your dd, why would it be safe for you?

Show quote history

Exactly.
Why ?
How will that help the dd not be cold ? Confused
If you are one of the paranoid people that think everyone walking anywhere is likely to be attacked, then why put 2 people at risk ? Confused

As someone said upthread, if it came to either a fight or running away, I'd put money on either / both of my young adult dds being in a much better position to do with than I could.

DetectiveDouche · 22/12/2022 20:53

God this used to be me and my life. If it helps, my daughter is now 24 and a lovely girl who never behaves this way anymore. There’s light at the end of the tunnel that you will reach.. eventually.. hold onto that

Maireas · 22/12/2022 20:54

curvymumma79 · 21/12/2022 21:44

Can you walk and meet her half way?

Why does she need to be met?

Keeper11 · 22/12/2022 20:57

Surely you have not forgotten Sarah Everard who attempted to walk home at 21.30 in March 2021?

FOTTFSOFTFOASM · 22/12/2022 21:07

Missingpop · 22/12/2022 19:29

You’ll be kicking yourself if anything untoward happens to her phone tell her you’ve arranged a taxi to pick her up give the name of the taxi firm; the name of tge driver & a password so she doesn’t get into so dirty old pervs car; yes she’s but your her parent be the adult & help her work it out the safest way possible x

Nethuns is that way →

x

UsingChangeofName · 22/12/2022 21:10

Keeper11 · 22/12/2022 20:57

Surely you have not forgotten Sarah Everard who attempted to walk home at 21.30 in March 2021?

No. Nor the poor people who have been murdered in their homes.
What is your point ?

As a pp said, far more people are killed in RTAs, and yet many on here are suggesting the dd gets in a car.

You have to learn to risk assess and to do everything you can to minimise any risks, but still live your life.

leithreas · 22/12/2022 21:18

I think this thread is a great demonstration as to why so many young people have mental health issues. I can't imagine making my kids as scared of being outside as some people here are. Always expecting a baddie to jump you. It's sad that parents are living that way but even sadder that they are teaching their children to live that way too.

Mrsgreen100 · 22/12/2022 21:27

Walk to her , and walk her home
easy

LuckySantangelo35 · 22/12/2022 21:28

Mrsgreen100 · 22/12/2022 21:27

Walk to her , and walk her home
easy

@Mrsgreen100

but why??

and if you think it’s not safe for your dd, why would it be safe for you?

UsingChangeofName · 22/12/2022 21:30

leithreas · 22/12/2022 21:18

I think this thread is a great demonstration as to why so many young people have mental health issues. I can't imagine making my kids as scared of being outside as some people here are. Always expecting a baddie to jump you. It's sad that parents are living that way but even sadder that they are teaching their children to live that way too.

Agreed.

Well said.