Smug couples at Christmas

[Aquarius1234]

Why is it seen as superior to be in a long term relationship at Christmas?
Why do I feel side lined always being single at Christmas.
Yet other siblings get more attention and everything arranged around them just cos they are in a couple and or with young children.
Of course I don't have plans just cos I'm single...

You sound hard work OP and probably need to work on yourself and your outlook to be honest.

You respect people more for being single at Christmas Vs if they're in a long term relationship.

You seem to think it's unreasonable that adults without children are flexible to the fact others have small children.

You seem very bitter at most of your family and you say you need to get new friends.

Many people would struggle to be round someone with that sort of attitude and it's probably best you see if you can speak to someone about whatever the root cause of all this is.

For couples YANBU but for young children you are as get that wrong and it makes a shit day/time for everyone!

Isn't there a difference between organising things around the needs of young kids (meals, naps and viable distance to travel) and adult couples?

First one is just something we all have to go with and second one would be silly.

😂😂😂 THIS!!

Ok well my nephew is nearly 3, so its easier now, hes my friend lol

You sound a bit like my single aunty! She’s never invited to stuff, I try and avoid her at all costs, especially over Christmas.

Nothing to do with the fact that she’s single obviously, everything to do with the fact that she a rude, angry, bitter person with nothing positive EVER to say! Criticises everything anyone does and brings the mood down at every possible opportunity. Maybe she thinks it’s because she’s single too…

I really don't understand what the issue is.
What exactly has happened to trigger this reaction?
If things are arranged that don't suit your plans then just say, "sorry, I've made other plans"
If people are being unpleasant to you on Christmas Day just say you aren't going and plan your own Christmas.
I really don't get it. Some concrete examples might help rather than just the wishy washy "I'm not allowed to criticize"

OP, this might be nowhere near the truth, all I can comment on is the way you are presenting yourself, and that's bitter and miserable that you aren't in a relationship.

Like I said, it might not be the case, but it's how it reads. Is the real issue you need to work on why you have those feelings?

Sounds harsh, bet she can be quite funny too?

Have you never been around people that act like being in a couple at Xmas is better than being alone?

If your family feel the need to tell you how to behave it is clear that you have obviously caused disruption and been critical in the past and they don't want you spoiling everyone's day! I can't see how any of this has anything to do with being single or childless? Except maybe that your bitterness about it is making you unpleasant to be around.

Not on any occasion I’ve ever witnessed. Honest to god. She’s just really mean spirited and brings everyone down with her constant criticisms.

It is harsh. I feel sorry for her because I know it’s a product of her life, nasty ex boyfriends, abusive parents (now deceased) no friends, no hobbies. But when someone only ever brings you down and ruins your day, your not going to feel inclined to accommodate that person.

I don’t know you, and you may be a very nice and funny person to be around. But ask yourself honestly if you contribute positively when in the company of others.

I remember the first year I spent Christmas with DH’s family, his sister was single at the time and she was a bloody nightmare! She had a proper bee in her bonnet about being the only single one, she made a fuss about going to a carol service with us and PIL’s because she’d be ‘the third wheel’ and ‘look like a spinster’. She drank far too much on Christmas Day and actually stormed off to bed in a tantrum (she was 28), and was rude and unpleasant to everyone.
She was very apologetic afterwards and we laugh about it now, but she was a real pain in the arse!

I started reading the thread and thought your posts sounded quite sad, OP but, having now read all of it, it sounds as if you sometimes feel like you're a bit 'out of step' with your parents? I felt like that in my late 20s/early 30s and it's a lonely sort of feeling.

I won't attempt to pigeonhole you as to why you don't have a relationship as I see plenty of regretful women in very long term relationships indeed who feel utterly trapped. I'm fortunate not to feel that way myself but I do understand what you mean by 'smug couples'. For some, it seems to be an achievement that must absolutely be noted and bowed down to. I don't feel that way.

Must you go to your parents' at Christmas? If so, how about you give yourself an escape plan? Make up some plans that you can use as an excuse and go. Better still - if there's something you want to do - actually have those plans and leave.

One of the very best things about being single is that, within bounds, you can utterly please yourself. Eastenders did used to be good - fine something else that appeals and revel in the peace.

I don’t think I have… what exactly does it look like? Have you got any examples of people around you who are ‘acting like they’re better because they’re in a couple at xmas’?

@Newmum0322 You sound a bit like my single aunty! She’s never invited to stuff, I try and avoid her at all costs, especially over Christmas.

That's nice of you.

Nothing to do with the fact that she’s single obviously, everything to do with the fact that she a rude, angry, bitter person with nothing positive EVER to say!

A bit like you here then on this thread?

Criticises everything anyone does and brings the mood down at every possible opportunity. Maybe she thinks it’s because she’s single too…

Apple has not fallen far from the family tree has it @New.

Any positives for the Op?

This is such an odd thing to say. Christmas happens to everyone, whether single, in LTRs, married to a tree, in polyamorous relationships. It’s what you make it, and who you choose to spend it with. Why would you respect single people for being alive at a particular time of year, but not those with other relationships? Not everyone in a relationship is having a Hollywood Christmas.

When I was single I loved Christmas just as much as I love it now, married for over 20 years. I’ve never had children so haven’t had that sort of Christmas but I have spent it with other families with kids, and with my own family. Nobody ever made me feel ‘other’.

I think you might need to have some time with a counsellor to sort out what sounds like a complicated relationship with your parents, and some self esteem issues, as being single seems to carry a lot more baggage with it for you than is good for you.

As kindly as I can say it, OP, do you think it's about you being single or is it about your attitude towards your family? From the way you speak about them here, I suspect even if you had a partner you'd still not enjoy their company and might not be included in plans.
Might be worth looking at that relationship before lamenting the lack of romantic ones.

I don’t think it’s being single that’s the issue op. It’s your attitude towards being expected to be a good guest. The fact you’ve been banished from the kitchen shows you give more than just constructive criticism, that your moaning but you call it just talking.

Never kept a relationship to a living together stage in your 30’s ect all points towards this rather big chip on your shoulder about it being everyone but you and it’s all their faults for not taking you exactly as you are.

Now I don’t mean this directly at you personally but some people just anit nice people to be around so people do avoid them. Like a posters aunty where you then commented about betting she’s funny / fun tho. Clearly she’s not otherwise people would want to spend time with her.

Not really no. OP sounds very unhappy and I was trying to use a life experience to suggest a bit of introspection. No friends and generally bitter outlook on life would suggest OP needs a gentle nudge to consider a different perspective.

All I did was offer that different perspective. Maybe you should focus your efforts on the OP seeing as she’s the one looking for advice, might be more constructive than reviewing my own personal contribution.

Most self pitying post I've ever seen. You sound like a drain. I hope you can get yourself inactive better place mentally for next year as you sound like a mood hoover.

Is it against the rules to be anything but really happy at Christmas? Can't we have any faults..

There are people out there (like my mother!) who equate happiness to being in a relationship. She is, unfortunately, one of those people who would rather be in a failing miserable relationship than be single. So yes - those people are most definitely out there!

However, OP life is what you make it. I never allowed my mother's thinking to impact me - I just laughed at the ridiculousness of her thought processes. I was single (by choice and in NO WAY seeking a relationship) for 4 years after I left my ex-husband. I enjoyed life regardless. I can honestly say I never once thought, "Oh I wish I was in a relationship right now" (although my mum made NUMEROUS digs about how I should join the 21st Century and get into online dating - however I'd honestly rather be single the rest of my life than do that).

I am in a LTR now however I'd not consider myself "smug" about it. We are both a bit anti-social so I doubt we're ever around anyone enough for them to form such an opinion!

Don't let other peoples definition of happiness impact on how you define yours.

Oh and I am happy and unhappy depending on my mood. I laugh and occasionally I'm sad and fed up.

I enjoy a good moan and enjoy family but not 24/7 and I don't like being controlled as it dampers my sparkling personality..