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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Smug couples at Christmas

300 replies

Aquarius1234 · 21/12/2022 14:10

Why is it seen as superior to be in a long term relationship at Christmas?
Why do I feel side lined always being single at Christmas.
Yet other siblings get more attention and everything arranged around them just cos they are in a couple and or with young children.
Of course I don't have plans just cos I'm single...

OP posts:
StephanieSuperpowers · 21/12/2022 16:45

Aquarius1234 · 21/12/2022 16:43

Is it against the rules to be anything but really happy at Christmas? Can't we have any faults..

I think when you're a grown up, you have to make an effort to be pleasant and sociable and cooperative at times. You may not always succeed, but you should try.

GordonBennett71 · 21/12/2022 16:45

"I think you might need to have some time with a counsellor to sort out what sounds like a complicated relationship with your parents, and some self esteem issues, as being single seems to carry a lot more baggage with it for you than is good for you".

I think your parents need to have some time with a counsellor for their complicated relationship with you and their parenting. As you being single /independent seems to disgruntle them so. You are carrying a lot of their baggage . It's not good for them to continue like this. If you have children, their crap will slowly trickle down until you decide to go NC. Don't carry their baggage Op. Put them into counselling and hopefully they will become better parents.

LanternGhost · 21/12/2022 16:47

What are you hoping to get out of this thread OP?

What would you like to do over Christmas? Why don't you suggest some ideas to your family, if they're not interested you could do them solo. I'm afraid I don't know what you mean about "people acting like it's better to be a couple" and there are lots of movies that aren't about couples in relationships? I just watched Bullet Train and thought it was great fun. It's not a romance.

Bananasinpyjamas21 · 21/12/2022 16:48

I get you!

My siblings never want to come to my house for Christmas. I am always treated a bit differently, and no I do not imagine this! Mostly I just get on with it, make the best of it, and try not to let it get to me but I am definitely treated with less respect I guess because I am single, from my family. As if I have failed somehow and am a little ‘odd’.

I have tried to be assertive about my needs, and as soon as I do I am labelled ‘difficult’ and get a lot of push back. I don’t want to come for Christmas? Difficult. I ask them to come to visit me? Difficult (don’t I understand they have a whole family to juggle? Er… so do I!)… etc etc.

WombatChocolate · 21/12/2022 16:50

Sounds a bit like Bridget Jones….without the humour.

Lots of people struggle with their families and find Christmas hard. You won’t be alone. Sometimes it’s because of their families and sometimes themselves or a combination. When people have a role to play within it themselves, they often look at others to blame or circumstances. Being single can be a typical thing to blame for those who are single. Being divorced can also sometimes be blamed. Often, it’s more about personalities than marital status in reality.

The thing is, couples are mostly people who are happy together. At Christmas, they buy each other gifts and make plans and spend leisure time together and with their kids. Those are things single people without kids aren’t doing. So it can bring it home to singletons (Bridget term) that they aren’t in same boat. It isn’t necessarily that the couples are being smug marrieds, but sometimes the singleton is very sensitive to not being in a couple, esp if they’d like to be.

In reality, when big gatherings happen, larger family groups joining often make up big chunks of the people. Small children can need some accommodating, so actually single adults can often be more flexible and might feel expected to slot in. I remmeber my single BIL moaning it was always him on the sofa at Christmas. The family with 2 kids for the bedroom and he got the sofa. When you think about it, it made sense, and he knew that too, but it was still a little annoying.

Innthe end though, most of this is a mindset thing. You can be cross and bitter and look for offence in everything…and then you really will have a self-fulfilling miserable time. Sorry, but if you’re determined to see everyone putting you bottom of the priority list and not considering you and then you go round with a face like a slapped bum, you might find people ask you to stay out of the kitchen.

determine to be cheery, helpful and positive. It’s the only advice I’ve got.

Aquarius1234 · 21/12/2022 16:51

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 21/12/2022 16:29

I started reading the thread and thought your posts sounded quite sad, OP but, having now read all of it, it sounds as if you sometimes feel like you're a bit 'out of step' with your parents? I felt like that in my late 20s/early 30s and it's a lonely sort of feeling.

I won't attempt to pigeonhole you as to why you don't have a relationship as I see plenty of regretful women in very long term relationships indeed who feel utterly trapped. I'm fortunate not to feel that way myself but I do understand what you mean by 'smug couples'. For some, it seems to be an achievement that must absolutely be noted and bowed down to. I don't feel that way.

Must you go to your parents' at Christmas? If so, how about you give yourself an escape plan? Make up some plans that you can use as an excuse and go. Better still - if there's something you want to do - actually have those plans and leave.

One of the very best things about being single is that, within bounds, you can utterly please yourself. Eastenders did used to be good - fine something else that appeals and revel in the peace.

Thanks for getting it more from my perspective.

OP posts:
Canthave2manycats · 21/12/2022 16:56

I don't get the point of this thread @Aquarius1234 . You have given very scant information but you seem to be deeply unhappy. Nobody here can really give you any advice based on what you've posted, just that everyone around you seems to be a problem?

If this is about your parents, then limit the amount of time you spend with them over Christmas. If you want to contribute to the food, cook/bake something in your own kitchen and bring it. Then sit on your backside and enjoy being cooked for!! My late mum never wanted anyone in her kitchen as she didn't think any of us could do dinner as well as she did (she was right too!)

I think you need to work out what your issues actually are, and then you can find a way of dealing with them - through therapy if need be. You can't control other people but you can control the way you react to them.

Being in a LTR isn't an 'achievement' - it's just life!

jazzybelle · 21/12/2022 16:56

It seems that with nearly every post the OP finds another issue to complain about.

jazzybelle · 21/12/2022 16:57

Canthave2manycats · 21/12/2022 16:56

I don't get the point of this thread @Aquarius1234 . You have given very scant information but you seem to be deeply unhappy. Nobody here can really give you any advice based on what you've posted, just that everyone around you seems to be a problem?

If this is about your parents, then limit the amount of time you spend with them over Christmas. If you want to contribute to the food, cook/bake something in your own kitchen and bring it. Then sit on your backside and enjoy being cooked for!! My late mum never wanted anyone in her kitchen as she didn't think any of us could do dinner as well as she did (she was right too!)

I think you need to work out what your issues actually are, and then you can find a way of dealing with them - through therapy if need be. You can't control other people but you can control the way you react to them.

Being in a LTR isn't an 'achievement' - it's just life!

Spot on.

Wanderingoff · 21/12/2022 16:57

Last time I had Christmas with my family I was on the blow up mattress in the lounge.

all coupled with and coupled without children were all snug in their rooms.

last time I went home for Christmas.

I’ve just checked into to a gorgeous little holiday home for the week with my doggo. Can’t wait to have a lovely week.

bakewellbride · 21/12/2022 16:57

I don't think it's as simple as couple = happy at xmas and single =not.

I'm happily married to someone amazing but endured a lot of abuse from family members from age 2 to early twenties. Absolutely horrific things happened and I needed a lot of therapy to rebuild my life. I'm 'No contact' with everyone. I haven't spoken to my own awful mother in a decade and never will again.

Yet if you saw me walking hand in hand through town with my dh and our 2 beautiful children you'd obviously know none of this. Life is not black and white.

Sorry for your struggles btw.

Aquarius1234 · 21/12/2022 16:58

The point was to say single people often get over looked at Christmas esp in families. Really no more thought than that. And that couples can take priority often.

OP posts:
IVFGotThis05 · 21/12/2022 16:58

Aquarius1234 · 21/12/2022 14:53

Yes I do find the smug couples annoying, esp the women that have to plan everything to T. The partner never gets a look in. Oh but least they ardent single..
I hate the fact they are so smug that it never occurs to them that their relationship could ever end ever.

I don't find that to be smug, just happy and organised !?

I think because you are feeling lonely, it's hard to see. Which is understandable but nobody else's fault.

LolaSmiles · 21/12/2022 16:58

Is it against the rules to be anything but really happy at Christmas? Can't we have any faults..
This seems melodramatic and more self-pitying.

There's a huge difference between fake over the top exuberant happiness and not spending the day with a miserable face, moaning and criticising.

If half of your attitude on here is conveyed when everyone is trying to have a nice time it's the sort of thing that dampens the day for everyone else.

Aquarius1234 · 21/12/2022 16:59

Loads of people that haven't found their happiness well understand what I mean.
That feel like the outsider at times.

OP posts:
WaddleAway · 21/12/2022 16:59

Aquarius1234 · 21/12/2022 16:51

Thanks for getting it more from my perspective.

With respect, the main reason people aren’t getting it from your perspective is that you haven’t actually given your perspective. Just some vague moans about not being allowed to criticise things and having more respect for single people at Christmas.
What exactly is the issue? What are people doing that makes you feel inferior? What is it you’ve been banned from criticising? How are people dulling your sparking personality? It might be that your family are complete arseholes and treating you like shit, but you haven’t given any details so we have no clue 🤷🏻‍♀️

tatalan · 21/12/2022 17:00

You sound like a right piece of work.

GordonBennett71 · 21/12/2022 17:01

"@Newmum0322 Not really no. OP sounds very unhappy and I was trying to use a life experience to suggest a bit of introspection. No friends and generally bitter outlook on life would suggest OP needs a gentle nudge to consider a different perspective".

Perhaps she needs her family? Lets say a niece? Some do not have strong family around them. Some do not have a wide circle of friends. Some are strong enough and have children and dear circle of life long (40 yrs) friends and colleagues , like me. Some have introspection, like OP. When i divorced yrs ago, i was Op. If OP did not have introspection she would not have posted here. To suggest to an introspective person to try to gain introspection is insulting.

And, i would give your aunty a call sometime if you can be arsed.

Fairislefandango · 21/12/2022 17:02

The point was to say single people often get over looked at Christmas esp in families. Really no more thought than that. And that couples can take priority often.

I think the problem is that it's not really clear what you mean by couples being prioritised. Prioritised in what way? By whom? I was single for a pretty long time in my twenties and I don't ever remember feeling that I was treated any differently for being single.

Aquarius1234 · 21/12/2022 17:02

tatalan · 21/12/2022 17:00

You sound like a right piece of work.

And you aren't?
Don't you ever relax at Xmas?

OP posts:
Christmasinbed · 21/12/2022 17:04

Make your own happy times OP, I do. I have excellent Christmases now.

Newmum0322 · 21/12/2022 17:05

GordonBennett71 · 21/12/2022 17:01

"@Newmum0322 Not really no. OP sounds very unhappy and I was trying to use a life experience to suggest a bit of introspection. No friends and generally bitter outlook on life would suggest OP needs a gentle nudge to consider a different perspective".

Perhaps she needs her family? Lets say a niece? Some do not have strong family around them. Some do not have a wide circle of friends. Some are strong enough and have children and dear circle of life long (40 yrs) friends and colleagues , like me. Some have introspection, like OP. When i divorced yrs ago, i was Op. If OP did not have introspection she would not have posted here. To suggest to an introspective person to try to gain introspection is insulting.

And, i would give your aunty a call sometime if you can be arsed.

It sounds like you have your own issues to work on. If you’d like to start a thread I’d be happy to offer advice… but as it is, this is not your OP, nor mine. Your advice to me was not requested and not relevant to the OP.

Have some respect for the process and move your disgruntled disillusions to your own thread.

daisychain01 · 21/12/2022 17:06

OP instead of contemplating your navel on here and tying yourself in knots, why don't you do some volunteering. Just show up at a food back or contact a charity in your area and see if you can pitch in.

you sound like you're stuck and yes, to your own good point, you enjoy a good moan.

well don't waste all your time being stuck, get out there and live life,it's over before you know it, and you don't need to be in a relationship to be validated as a human being, so stop worrying about where you are on other peoples priority list, it really doesn't matter.

Ursuladevine · 21/12/2022 17:06

Did you ever clarify whether you work? And whether you have one single friend?

LemonBounce · 21/12/2022 17:09

I agree - so many Christmas movies about singles finding love a Christmas. It's annoying they want you to fit in with everyone else's plans. They may be smug and married but people are also unhappy in relationships and you may be having the best Christmas of all!

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