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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit disappointed in DH

168 replies

NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 20:50

Name changed for this. I'm pretty certain I'm not BU but I just need to vent.

DH and I have a blended family. One DC together and he has 2 DC with his ex.

This Christmas is our DDs first, so I understand she's young and doesn't have a clue what's going on. Fine.

DH sat and painstakingly chose Christmas cards for his other children a couple of weeks ago. He said to me, I've just ordered the children's Christmas cards from Etsy.

Brilliant.

They were delivered yesterday. And he didn't order a card for our DC. Now I know I can go and get her a card and I know it doesn't ruin Christmas.

hes also taking his other DC to see santa on Thursday, but not our DC. Again, I know shes young and won't have a clue, but I know, I also know he took his eldest children from a very young age anyway.

AIBU to think he is just so caught up in making sure he ticks all the boxes with the children he doesn't live with, that he's forgetting about the one he does?

When I brought up the card and santa issue he just kind of dismissed it and didn't really see my POV so I dunno if I'm BU.

OP posts:
Beamur · 20/12/2022 20:52

There may also be a bit of guilt and over compensating going on. I'd let it go this year as your baby won't have any understanding anyway but talk with your DH in the New Year.

YellowTreeHouse · 20/12/2022 20:54

YABU. They’re a baby. They don’t need cards or Father Christmas visits.

MolliciousIntent · 20/12/2022 20:55

Your baby won't know a Christmas card or Santa Claus from a hole in the wall. It would be a complete waste of money. You're definitely overreacting.

Theimpossiblegirl · 20/12/2022 20:55

I was going to say this year I'd let it go but it does ring little alarm bells. It's your first Christmas with the new DC so it should be celebrated with the same nice touches.

NoseyNellie · 20/12/2022 20:56

He needs to make effort with them - he probably feels massive guilt that his relationship with their mother broke up and isn’t there for them all the time.

please try not to spend the next 18 years keeping a tally of every little thing that he does for each child - it’s important that they all feel valued, loved and secure, not that they all have the same amount spent on them/the exact same number of presents or whatever little thing you could become obsessed with.

I appreciate you’re looking out for your little one but she will benefit most from parents who aren’t bickering about her half siblings

DuplicateUserName · 20/12/2022 20:56

I can't believe I'm reading this.

You're jealous on behalf of your baby that your DH is doing Christmassy things for his children who actually know what Christmas is?

Oysterbabe · 20/12/2022 20:56

I wouldn't buy a Christmas card for my baby either.

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 20:56

@Beamur
Thank you for your voice of reason. You may well be right. And I do totally get she doesn't know or care. I think I just feel sad she's not getting the same "experiences" as the others and its making me mardy 🤭

OP posts:
JustAJokeLikeOnTopGear · 20/12/2022 20:58

I find the idea of cards to immediate family so weird - to me they’re to send to people you’re not spending Christmas with. You can say it in person with a hug.

I realise I’m in the minority!

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 20:58

DuplicateUserName · 20/12/2022 20:56

I can't believe I'm reading this.

You're jealous on behalf of your baby that your DH is doing Christmassy things for his children who actually know what Christmas is?

I totally agree tbh.

BUT he did all this stuff with his older children from day dot. If he hadn't started until they were older, I'd feel differently.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 20/12/2022 20:59

His older children should be allowed their own time and special traditions with their father separate from his - and their - relationship with their sister. He isn’t forgetting your DD: she has him in her life all the time and he’ll make special traditions with her in her own right without them having to have be identical.

MelchiorsMistress · 20/12/2022 20:59

The older dc don’t get to live with their dad so it’s nice for them to have a card from him in their home. Your dc shares a home with both their parents so doesn’t benefit from a card from Dad in the same way.

It’s a good sign for you and your dc that your DH is behaving like a good dad. YABU to think he should take the baby on a trip out with his older children to visit Santa. There will be plenty of occasions when your dc gets your DHs undivided attention, and the older dc deserve time with their Dad without their younger sibling around.

MolliciousIntent · 20/12/2022 20:59

NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 20:58

I totally agree tbh.

BUT he did all this stuff with his older children from day dot. If he hadn't started until they were older, I'd feel differently.

Show quote history

Having done that, he probably realises now that it's a stinking waste of time!

5128gap · 20/12/2022 20:59

Depends on what he does do for your DD for Christmas. If he's picked out gifts, makes an effort to share the parts she can appreciate, id say he's just doing age appropriate things for his differently aged children. I wouldn't get a card for a baby. Or take her to see santa, as I'd think it a waste of and money and not really fun for her. But I'd do other things she did enjoy.

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 21:00

MolliciousIntent · 20/12/2022 20:59

Having done that, he probably realises now that it's a stinking waste of time!

Show quote history

Hahahaha yes you're probably right!!

OP posts:
Newusernameaug · 20/12/2022 21:00

If they were all my children I too would be over compensating this year to the older ones so they know they still get lovely treats etc and would of course also treat the younger one the same, in time, when they understand more

MelchiorsMistress · 20/12/2022 21:03

BUT he did all this stuff with his older children from day dot. If he hadn't started until they were older, I'd feel differently.

Did he do them because his ex organised it?

Theres nothing stopping you from having days like that with your dc if you want them.

HaggisWurst · 20/12/2022 21:08

He sounds like a great dad. No doubt he'll do the same for his littlest when she's old enough to understand what's going on. So yeah Yabu, op.

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 21:08

MelchiorsMistress · 20/12/2022 21:03

BUT he did all this stuff with his older children from day dot. If he hadn't started until they were older, I'd feel differently.

Did he do them because his ex organised it?

Theres nothing stopping you from having days like that with your dc if you want them.

No he's always been quite big on the experiences side of things and it's always been him to organise it and spend time with the children.
Before we had our DC I always thought awww how lovely.
And now I'm mardy as it feels a little bit like im being left to sort things for our DC together 🤭🤣
Between work and his elder DC, I'm just starting to feel like we don't actually get any proper family time.

For context he works shift work so if he isn't in bed he's at work except his 2 days off a week, when he sees his older DC. Please don't misinterprete that as I think he shouldn't see his DC, he absolutely should. I just think that's contributing to me feeling a bit miffed at present.

OP posts:
johsq20 · 20/12/2022 21:10

YAHU

inappropriateraspberry · 20/12/2022 21:12

Why would a baby need a card or to see Father Christmas?
When she's older I'm sure he will include her and they can all go together to see him, but right now, dragging a baby along just makes it harder. Let him have the time with the older ones, he doesn't see them everyday.

Matilda1981 · 20/12/2022 21:13

As a mum of 4 kids, 2 different dads it would be really weird if I didn’t do everything with all of the kids so not sure why it would be different for a dad? I’d be upset too if he wasn’t taking the youngest to see Santa with the older siblings.

inappropriateraspberry · 20/12/2022 21:14

"BUT he did all this stuff with his older children from day dot. If he hadn't started until they were older, I'd feel differently."

I bet he didn't give a card to them as babies and unlikely he took them to see FC at under 1.

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 21:15

inappropriateraspberry · 20/12/2022 21:12

Why would a baby need a card or to see Father Christmas?
When she's older I'm sure he will include her and they can all go together to see him, but right now, dragging a baby along just makes it harder. Let him have the time with the older ones, he doesn't see them everyday.

Yes I know

But as mentioned upthread he's done these things with the others from day dot.

As a PP mentioned, it might just be he's realised its a waste of money. Which I get. But the eldest all have "first" Christmas cards from their father, but our DC together was (it feels like) forgotten about.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 21:16

inappropriateraspberry · 20/12/2022 21:14

"BUT he did all this stuff with his older children from day dot. If he hadn't started until they were older, I'd feel differently."

I bet he didn't give a card to them as babies and unlikely he took them to see FC at under 1.

Well he did and they did soooo

OP posts: