To be a bit disappointed in DH

[NameChagaiiiin]

Name changed for this. I'm pretty certain I'm not BU but I just need to vent.

DH and I have a blended family. One DC together and he has 2 DC with his ex.

This Christmas is our DDs first, so I understand she's young and doesn't have a clue what's going on. Fine.

DH sat and painstakingly chose Christmas cards for his other children a couple of weeks ago. He said to me, I've just ordered the children's Christmas cards from Etsy.

Brilliant.

They were delivered yesterday. And he didn't order a card for our DC. Now I know I can go and get her a card and I know it doesn't ruin Christmas.

hes also taking his other DC to see santa on Thursday, but not our DC. Again, I know shes young and won't have a clue, but I know, I also know he took his eldest children from a very young age anyway.

AIBU to think he is just so caught up in making sure he ticks all the boxes with the children he doesn't live with, that he's forgetting about the one he does?

When I brought up the card and santa issue he just kind of dismissed it and didn't really see my POV so I dunno if I'm BU.

Which is more often than he sees the child he lives with so maybe just maybe he needs to look at the child he lives with too

This is ridiculous.

He only sees them for a few hours two days a week, never a full day and never staying over.

Yet you begrudge them having a one off seasonal activity with him alone, when your baby literally will not know or care.

You won't fare very well as a step parent with this attitude

This sort of stuff is exactly why I'd never have children with a man who had other children previously.

He could look like a Greek god and charm the birds from the trees but if he had kids (and I didn't have my own already), I'd write him off straight away.

That's why I voted YABU.

She gets excited to see him...

It looks cute but my overthinking does make me wonder if they need more time together to bond.

What would be proper family time - all of the kids and yourself?

Thanks.
I don't begrudge his eldest children anything and I never have or will

What I begrudge is ordering Christmas cards for 2/3 despite doing jt from 1st Christmas since the eldest
And "forgetting" his youngest.

Yes!! All the children and my DH and I.

Why would you buy a Christmas card for someone who

A) lives in your house
B) can't read
C) is more likely to chew on a Christmas card than admire the generosity and thoughtfulness of the sender

??

Thank you

Well in theory the same father who's done exactly that for his elder DC...

I’ve never considered writing a Christmas card to a less than 1 year old baby. YABU.

I don't actually think you're being in the slightest bit unreasonable... I'd be pissed off in your shoes and end up taking the baby to Lapland .. that's just me take your baby to a lovely Santa, she won't remember but you will, and you'll have the photos.. I've just taken my 8 month old ( and 7th child!) to see Santa, no way would he miss out!

🤣🤣🤣 seems fair

Your baby won't remember, but she'll notice not being in the photos or having a keepsake card when she's older. He should take all of them.

What do you mean he won’t see any on Christmas Day as he’s working, he won’t be there in the morning or come home in the evening?

how 0ld exactly is your baby who you feel needs to see Santa and get a card?

is there no part of you has empathy for these children, not one little part, who can grasp that it’s unsettling for them to have a new sibling who lives with their dad and that he now has a new family so as a good parent he needs to allay those fears. Can you honestly not grasp it’s not all about you?

Because this is certainly not about a baby

But it sounds like the dad has done this for his eldest two children from their very first Christmas. So they have all these lovely mementos in a keepsake box. But OP's DD won't have this to keep in her memory box like her siblings. That's what would bug me.

I'm the DC in the blended family. Dad had two older siblings that he did everything with all the time and I always felt a bit like an afterthought while he was trying to overcompensate for his first children. It's not the new child's fault that the first children's parents divorced. They should be included. There's zero reason he couldn't have brought DD to see Santa or make her a card for her box. Doubtful she even has a keepsake box. Does she OP?

What? 😂 whi looks at pics of when they were a few months old , sees their siblings at Santa and thinks bastards I wanted to see Santa 😂

I find the idea of cards wierd but would be annoyed if my child was the only one left out.

Same with Santa, if he took his older children as babies then why not this child... lots of ringing alarm bells.

If the op wants a keepsake box she can get one.

my kid doesn’t have a keepsake box of a crimbo card when they were a few months old, does yours? If it’s so important the op can get her kid one. As I’m fairly sure the other children’s mother did.

OP can you not write or were in some way unable to use moonpig?

Baby doesn't need a card a santa visit. What baby does need is a father who is capable of being a good parent to all his children, not over compensating to his older 2 and neglecting his youngest because she is in the same household. You say he spends more time with the eldest, he makes an effort with the eldest. Yes, of course the baby won't notice. Older toddler will though. Given your posts I am not convinced his attitude will adjust and he will pay equal attention and make equal effort to the child who lives with him due to whatever guilt issues

Oh that’s a horrible thing to write. You really are projecting there. Just because he didn’t buy a baby a Christmas card and take them to see Santa?

OP I don't think you're unreasonable to feel this way but I think it probably is simply the difference in first child vs second or third rather than anything that is meant to exclude

With my sons first Christmas I ordered bespoke cards and myself and my forced DH wrote nice messages of hope in it. I held a party for his first birthday and did trips to see Santa etc

My second got wrapped up hand me down presents for his bday, no card for Xmas and I'll be fucked if I'm paying £23 for him to see Santa when I know he won't have a clue or care!

I realise in hindsight that those 'firsts' were for me not my DS. Your DH generally sounds like a good father who is trying to make an effort which I think you recognise. Maybe just give him a nudge that you'd like to enjoy your DCs 'firsts' with him too.

Well he will obviously be home in the evening but considering she's a baby. She'll be in bed by the time he is. As she'll be in bed when he leaves.

I never said that I felt she needed either of those things. In fact. If you actually read the thread. I've reiterated several times that I know she doesn't need know nor care. However. I do feel resentful of the fact he's done these things with his eldest since day dot, but now feels they aren't important traditions to continue with his youngest.

My AIBU is absolutely nothing to do with what he does for his elder children.

is it not reasonable to expect that a father who has bought a "first Christmas" card for his eldest children, continue the same with his youngest? That wouldn't impact his elder children in anyway shape or form.

Re santa. Granted its amazing for them to have that experience together and that's fine, I get I'm BU, and if I'm that arsed I can take her myself for a photo.

I think that he sounds like a good man, OP. Try not to worry.