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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit disappointed in DH

168 replies

NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 20:50

Name changed for this. I'm pretty certain I'm not BU but I just need to vent.

DH and I have a blended family. One DC together and he has 2 DC with his ex.

This Christmas is our DDs first, so I understand she's young and doesn't have a clue what's going on. Fine.

DH sat and painstakingly chose Christmas cards for his other children a couple of weeks ago. He said to me, I've just ordered the children's Christmas cards from Etsy.

Brilliant.

They were delivered yesterday. And he didn't order a card for our DC. Now I know I can go and get her a card and I know it doesn't ruin Christmas.

hes also taking his other DC to see santa on Thursday, but not our DC. Again, I know shes young and won't have a clue, but I know, I also know he took his eldest children from a very young age anyway.

AIBU to think he is just so caught up in making sure he ticks all the boxes with the children he doesn't live with, that he's forgetting about the one he does?

When I brought up the card and santa issue he just kind of dismissed it and didn't really see my POV so I dunno if I'm BU.

OP posts:
RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 20/12/2022 21:16

The issue here is that it's your first Christmas with a child but not DH's. When you have your first baby you have the time and headspace to do a load of pointless Christmas stuff the baby won't give a shit about. Once you have more kids you don't bother doing pointless stuff with babies who are only interested in cuddles and milk.

Don't begrudge the older kids their Christmas fun or insist on pointless bringing a baby to father Christmas but by all means tell DH that you want to do special stuff too because it's your first Christmas as a mum.

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 21:17

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 20/12/2022 21:16

The issue here is that it's your first Christmas with a child but not DH's. When you have your first baby you have the time and headspace to do a load of pointless Christmas stuff the baby won't give a shit about. Once you have more kids you don't bother doing pointless stuff with babies who are only interested in cuddles and milk.

Don't begrudge the older kids their Christmas fun or insist on pointless bringing a baby to father Christmas but by all means tell DH that you want to do special stuff too because it's your first Christmas as a mum.

Yes. I think that's nail on the head there actually.

Thank you

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 20/12/2022 21:17

MelchiorsMistress · 20/12/2022 20:59

The older dc don’t get to live with their dad so it’s nice for them to have a card from him in their home. Your dc shares a home with both their parents so doesn’t benefit from a card from Dad in the same way.

It’s a good sign for you and your dc that your DH is behaving like a good dad. YABU to think he should take the baby on a trip out with his older children to visit Santa. There will be plenty of occasions when your dc gets your DHs undivided attention, and the older dc deserve time with their Dad without their younger sibling around.

Fully agree with this. His other children deserve special attention and traditions that are their own. Your DD already has the huge advantage of having him around full time. Try to put things in perspective.

teezletangler · 20/12/2022 21:19

Having done that, he probably realises now that it's a stinking waste of time!

Agree with this. Mine are now 5 and 7, and I now realise how idiotic it was taking a 1 year old to a Xmas light switch-on or to see Santa Claus. If I had another baby now, absolutely would not bother! A Xmas card for a baby is just absurd. These things are so much more fun with and for other children who understand them.

donttellmehesalive · 20/12/2022 21:19

Do you think he's trying hard to show the children that he doesn't live with, that they won't be 'pushed out' by his new baby?

I think it must be quite hard, not living with your dad but knowing that his new child does.

And yes as pp have said - he now knows that cards and Santa trips are quite pointless with a baby.

teezletangler · 20/12/2022 21:21

I think other people have made a good point too. This is his third child. Honestly, no one makes a fuss of their third child. All the things like baby books and cards are completely forgotten about. The difference is that it's your first child so you're approaching it from a different mindset.

BloodAndFire · 20/12/2022 21:21

NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 21:16

Well he did and they did soooo

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How do you even know this?

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 21:24

donttellmehesalive · 20/12/2022 21:19

Do you think he's trying hard to show the children that he doesn't live with, that they won't be 'pushed out' by his new baby?

I think it must be quite hard, not living with your dad but knowing that his new child does.

And yes as pp have said - he now knows that cards and Santa trips are quite pointless with a baby.

Yeh I definitely think it's a mix of guilt and over compensation. Justifiably so.

I think it's just he's working so hard to keep traditions he's had since day dot with the others, and it may well be that he now realises it's a waste of time, but to me it just feels a little bit forgetful to not include his youngest when he's doing these things anyway.

But I definitely needed to be told IBU. It's just good to know so I can talk to him about new traditions for our DC going forwards and manage expectations I guess.

OP posts:
iceyniceyspicey · 20/12/2022 21:24

YellowTreeHouse · 20/12/2022 20:54

YABU. They’re a baby. They don’t need cards or Father Christmas visits.

My baby went to see father Christmas with his siblings. Because we are a family!!!! we do good trips like that together

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 21:25

BloodAndFire · 20/12/2022 21:21

How do you even know this?

Show quote history

Because they each have a keepsake box with their 1st Christmas cards in and photos on Santa's lap.....

I dunno why you'd think I'd make it up 🤣

OP posts:
Italiangirlinlondon · 20/12/2022 21:25

I can’t imagine buying a baby a Christmas card. It probably didn’t even,occur to him he should, and taking a baby to events is a whole different thing to taking two older kids.

are you always like this about his children, resentful?

twatmas · 20/12/2022 21:25

Why can't you go with them if it bothers you so much, can't you tag along?

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 21:26

iceyniceyspicey · 20/12/2022 21:24

My baby went to see father Christmas with his siblings. Because we are a family!!!! we do good trips like that together

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This!! It's just we've worked really hard to have a blended family and whilst I KNOW our DC is too young, it's just feels a bit miffy to exclude her IMO.

OP posts:
Italiangirlinlondon · 20/12/2022 21:27

I’d also try to rephrase it in your mind. Your kid gets to live with their dad. His other kids don’t. And they’ve step mum who resents them .

seriously.They win.

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 21:27

Italiangirlinlondon · 20/12/2022 21:25

I can’t imagine buying a baby a Christmas card. It probably didn’t even,occur to him he should, and taking a baby to events is a whole different thing to taking two older kids.

are you always like this about his children, resentful?

Uh huh. Yeh totally....I'm the wicked stepmother....

Try RTFT 😊

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/12/2022 21:28

Is he actually seeing his older DC on Christmas Day?

I think there is definitely some overcompensating going on. How often do they stay at yours? How have they reacted to their new sibling?

NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LaLuz7 · 20/12/2022 21:29

iceyniceyspicey · 20/12/2022 21:24

My baby went to see father Christmas with his siblings. Because we are a family!!!! we do good trips like that together

Show quote history

Families don't have to do everything together. There are many activities that are awesome for older children but totally unsuited to a tiny baby (who will end up limiting or ruining the fun of the others). And babies don't know and don't care.

This "together at all cost" approach is really silly.

Theunamedcat · 20/12/2022 21:30

It's great that he is an involved dad etc however he has three children not just two screaming santa pics are part of the fun adding a third card to the shop isn't that Unreasonable right?

Ultimately you will have to do these things yourself but thst means you get the firsts! First screaming santa picture first Christmas card first Easter gift etc etc try and include him but if he wants ro prioritise his other kids you can't force him to include yours too

Confusednewmum1 · 20/12/2022 21:30

Remember he has to do more with them and has to go the extra mile. Your DD is exceptionally lucky and better off than her siblings as she has both parents 100% of the time. This gives her exponentially better chances in life, as well as far more emotional stability. Let him spoil the others with time and material gifts, they are missing out really. Xx

Chantelle302412 · 20/12/2022 21:31

I understand you, if my partner doesn’t get my 1yo a card for this Christmas and does his son who’s 9 I won’t be happy. It’s the fact that I have a special memory box that I will keep all her things in from us and those close. It’s also the principle and how you start traditions and for your own memories as adults for your child too know you did and look back on with you as they grow.

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 21:31

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 20/12/2022 21:28

Is he actually seeing his older DC on Christmas Day?

I think there is definitely some overcompensating going on. How often do they stay at yours? How have they reacted to their new sibling?

He won't see any on Christmas Day as he's working.

They've taken to her and the situation reallt well, they Don't currently stay over due to distance/work/shifts/school but he sees them on his two days off each week.

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 20/12/2022 21:31

NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 21:26

This!! It's just we've worked really hard to have a blended family and whilst I KNOW our DC is too young, it's just feels a bit miffy to exclude her IMO.

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Just imagine how many events and activities and traditions his other kids will unwittingly be excluded from simply by virtue of him only seeing them 2 days a week...

Theunamedcat · 20/12/2022 21:33

Actually if he is seeing them more than the child he lives with does he even have a bond with this one?

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 21:34

LaLuz7 · 20/12/2022 21:31

Just imagine how many events and activities and traditions his other kids will unwittingly be excluded from simply by virtue of him only seeing them 2 days a week...

Show quote history

I get you. And that time needs to be valuable.

Just to clarify he does see them extra when it's birthdays, school events etc.

OP posts:
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