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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit disappointed in DH

168 replies

NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 20:50

Name changed for this. I'm pretty certain I'm not BU but I just need to vent.

DH and I have a blended family. One DC together and he has 2 DC with his ex.

This Christmas is our DDs first, so I understand she's young and doesn't have a clue what's going on. Fine.

DH sat and painstakingly chose Christmas cards for his other children a couple of weeks ago. He said to me, I've just ordered the children's Christmas cards from Etsy.

Brilliant.

They were delivered yesterday. And he didn't order a card for our DC. Now I know I can go and get her a card and I know it doesn't ruin Christmas.

hes also taking his other DC to see santa on Thursday, but not our DC. Again, I know shes young and won't have a clue, but I know, I also know he took his eldest children from a very young age anyway.

AIBU to think he is just so caught up in making sure he ticks all the boxes with the children he doesn't live with, that he's forgetting about the one he does?

When I brought up the card and santa issue he just kind of dismissed it and didn't really see my POV so I dunno if I'm BU.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 20/12/2022 21:55

Take your baby by yourself. He's clearly not bothered about continuing the tradition with his third child, but that doesn't mean you have to miss out on these experiences with your first. Go make your own memories. It's him that will be missing out.

Lulu2171 · 20/12/2022 21:55

Theimpossiblegirl · 20/12/2022 20:55

I was going to say this year I'd let it go but it does ring little alarm bells. It's your first Christmas with the new DC so it should be celebrated with the same nice touches.

Agree. Make the point with him this year so it doesn't happen in future years when it matters more.

Probably a bit YABU, but don't give yourself a hard time. It's tough that you're doing all this for the first time and he's not. He should get that.

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 21:55

CraneBoysMysteries · 20/12/2022 21:53

OP I don't think you're unreasonable to feel this way but I think it probably is simply the difference in first child vs second or third rather than anything that is meant to exclude

With my sons first Christmas I ordered bespoke cards and myself and my forced DH wrote nice messages of hope in it. I held a party for his first birthday and did trips to see Santa etc

My second got wrapped up hand me down presents for his bday, no card for Xmas and I'll be fucked if I'm paying £23 for him to see Santa when I know he won't have a clue or care!

I realise in hindsight that those 'firsts' were for me not my DS. Your DH generally sounds like a good father who is trying to make an effort which I think you recognise. Maybe just give him a nudge that you'd like to enjoy your DCs 'firsts' with him too.

Yes a PP said similar and I think its exactly this.

Thank you for your voice of reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 21:56

Lulu2171 · 20/12/2022 21:55

Agree. Make the point with him this year so it doesn't happen in future years when it matters more.

Probably a bit YABU, but don't give yourself a hard time. It's tough that you're doing all this for the first time and he's not. He should get that.

Show quote history

Thank you. 😊

OP posts:
Muddywaters1 · 20/12/2022 21:56

What are his plans to ensure he sees your joint child as they get older, since all he does is work and see his other children? Why is he not making a space for your child now?

SeveruslyFrazzled · 20/12/2022 21:58

I fully understand you feelings and I don’t think you are being unreasonable.

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 22:00

Rtmhwales · 20/12/2022 21:44

But it sounds like the dad has done this for his eldest two children from their very first Christmas. So they have all these lovely mementos in a keepsake box. But OP's DD won't have this to keep in her memory box like her siblings. That's what would bug me.

I'm the DC in the blended family. Dad had two older siblings that he did everything with all the time and I always felt a bit like an afterthought while he was trying to overcompensate for his first children. It's not the new child's fault that the first children's parents divorced. They should be included. There's zero reason he couldn't have brought DD to see Santa or make her a card for her box. Doubtful she even has a keepsake box. Does she OP?

Show quote history

THANK YOU!!
Literally worded it better than I did in my OP.

Her keepsake box is currently just bits from the hospital like her first hat they put on her when she was born, so this would've been the first thing to go in really.

PPs suggesting I resent my DHs DC for spending time with him, I don't. But you're absolutely right. I don't think it's right that she gets brushed aside due to his over compensation, and I want to nip it in the bud now before this becomes the precedent.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 22:01

Muddywaters1 · 20/12/2022 21:56

What are his plans to ensure he sees your joint child as they get older, since all he does is work and see his other children? Why is he not making a space for your child now?

I wish I had an answer to that.

OP posts:
Yousee · 20/12/2022 22:04

Oh your future threads are going to be some buzz when you plan fabulous trips for your DC and leave out your step children and the great and good of MN lose their minds and wail about "pushing out" and "excluding" and "they will know how you feel about them". Yet somehow none of that applies to the child of a SM.
We went to see Santa last week. DSD 10, DS3 and 3 month old baby DS. It was great fun and We now have a fabulous family photo with Santa, fake snow falling, kids beaming, babys eyes like saucers. Baby did not ruin anything by his presence, merely didn't know what was going on. 3 year old DS won't remember (another popular twatty, lame excuse for not bothering with a younger child) and DSD doesn't believe in Santa anymore anyway but still would not leave her out of a family occasion.
DH has other trips planned with DSD as there is obviously an age gap and different needs but it doesn't generally slip his mind that he has other children.
All being asleep under the same roof but not seeing each other or spending time together doesn't make the younger DC "luckier" if it's used against her as a justification for her father not bothering with her.
Hundreds of people sleep under the same roof and it's just called a high rise flat. It doesn't mean they know each other.

Tiredmamaaa · 20/12/2022 22:08

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Quite the opposite. You are taking different peoples views on board which is very rare on AIBU 😂

As you and a lot of others have said, you baby won’t remember but you will. I think that’s what would bother me and why I don’t think you are being unreasonable. When they are so little it’s about those lovely memories and photos with Santa and in the little outfits, cards in their memory box etc. and doing all those things as a family is really lovely.

And if you husband done it all for his other kids, I completely understand why you want your little one to receive the same love and attention. Plus it would also help them bond with the baby if they all went together to these nice events.

I hope you get to do some lovely things together as a family and have a lovely first Christmas with your baby! 🎄

Everydayimhuffling · 20/12/2022 22:08

I think it's nice that he's taken the big ones to see Santa as part of their tradition together. I would be reminding him how much his older children like having their first cards in their keepsake box, though, and nudging him towards getting a first card for your little one. He does need to find a balance that allows all the children to feel loved, and it doesn't seem like he has yet.

Dramaalpacas · 20/12/2022 22:09

I am firmly in the ‘don’t waste money on things babies don’t appreciate’ camp. My 1yo has a couple of small gifts and my 5yo has a bike and some bigger presents.

However, you will only be a new mum appreciating the magic of your first child’s Christmas once. THATS what your DH should be considering and making the effort to make it special for you. These photos and memories will be special to you and he’s dismissing that despite the fact you’ve told him how you feel.

Try not to take it too personally and appreciate that he’s a great dad to go to these lengths to keep his older kids happy. You will (quite rightly) always be second to his children and that includes your child together. If he’s a good dad he’ll do the same as soon as your little one is old enough to appreciate it.

SwimInTheRain · 20/12/2022 22:09

YANBU
It's about his relationship with his child.
The Christmas card on the first Christmas isn't for the baby, it is for the future adult who looks at it in their keepsake box! It's going to be hurtful for the younger one when the older kids talk about how loving it was of dad to send them Christmas cards every single year since the year they were born, and his third child realizes they didn't get the same treatment as the others. If he starts a tradition like this for his children he should keep it up for all of them.

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 22:10

Tiredmamaaa · 20/12/2022 22:08

I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Quite the opposite. You are taking different peoples views on board which is very rare on AIBU 😂

As you and a lot of others have said, you baby won’t remember but you will. I think that’s what would bother me and why I don’t think you are being unreasonable. When they are so little it’s about those lovely memories and photos with Santa and in the little outfits, cards in their memory box etc. and doing all those things as a family is really lovely.

And if you husband done it all for his other kids, I completely understand why you want your little one to receive the same love and attention. Plus it would also help them bond with the baby if they all went together to these nice events.

I hope you get to do some lovely things together as a family and have a lovely first Christmas with your baby! 🎄

Thank you. I'm honestly trying to keep an open mind. FTM to my own but obviously have his older DC in our lives so I have to carefully navigate alot of situations, this one just irked me more than some others.

I'm not even big on traditions 🤣 it's just the principle I think.

And thank you for your well wishes. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas too.

OP posts:
Hopeyoursproutsarealreadyon · 20/12/2022 22:11

His dc should be seeing them all loved the same though. Your joint dc isn't his second class dc.

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 22:12

SwimInTheRain · 20/12/2022 22:09

YANBU
It's about his relationship with his child.
The Christmas card on the first Christmas isn't for the baby, it is for the future adult who looks at it in their keepsake box! It's going to be hurtful for the younger one when the older kids talk about how loving it was of dad to send them Christmas cards every single year since the year they were born, and his third child realizes they didn't get the same treatment as the others. If he starts a tradition like this for his children he should keep it up for all of them.

Thank you. Glad I'm not going mental or a terrible parent just for thinking they should all be treated as equally as possible.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 22:13

Dramaalpacas · 20/12/2022 22:09

I am firmly in the ‘don’t waste money on things babies don’t appreciate’ camp. My 1yo has a couple of small gifts and my 5yo has a bike and some bigger presents.

However, you will only be a new mum appreciating the magic of your first child’s Christmas once. THATS what your DH should be considering and making the effort to make it special for you. These photos and memories will be special to you and he’s dismissing that despite the fact you’ve told him how you feel.

Try not to take it too personally and appreciate that he’s a great dad to go to these lengths to keep his older kids happy. You will (quite rightly) always be second to his children and that includes your child together. If he’s a good dad he’ll do the same as soon as your little one is old enough to appreciate it.

A balanced argument that I agree with whole heartedly. Thank you for the perspective 😊

OP posts:
Yousee · 20/12/2022 22:14

You will (quite rightly) always be second to his children and that includes your child together. If he’s a good dad he’ll do the same as soon as your little one is old enough to appreciate it
Oh fuck right off with this bullshit. If he was good dad all his children would be of equal importance to him from birth, regardless of birth order or whose womb they came out of.

Scout2016 · 20/12/2022 22:15

At what point is he going to start including your child in stuff? He can't keep going out every day off and leaving them behind, it's not on and it's not a long term solution.

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 22:15

Everydayimhuffling · 20/12/2022 22:08

I think it's nice that he's taken the big ones to see Santa as part of their tradition together. I would be reminding him how much his older children like having their first cards in their keepsake box, though, and nudging him towards getting a first card for your little one. He does need to find a balance that allows all the children to feel loved, and it doesn't seem like he has yet.

Absolutely.
I think to him, he's prioritising the older children (fair) as he has time with the youngest to do these things, but I guess I just want it to be as equal as we can make it from the start.

OP posts:
thelobsterquadrille · 20/12/2022 22:16

I don't think you're unreasonable at all.

He has three children - he needs to start acting like it.

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 22:16

Yousee · 20/12/2022 22:14

You will (quite rightly) always be second to his children and that includes your child together. If he’s a good dad he’ll do the same as soon as your little one is old enough to appreciate it
Oh fuck right off with this bullshit. If he was good dad all his children would be of equal importance to him from birth, regardless of birth order or whose womb they came out of.

🤣🤣🤣 I think I might use this.

OP posts:
Choccolatte · 20/12/2022 22:18

We are a blended family NONE of the children give a fuck about cards unless they contain dosh. DH wastes his money buying cards every year. They all give as much interest in them as your baby does

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 22:19

Scout2016 · 20/12/2022 22:15

At what point is he going to start including your child in stuff? He can't keep going out every day off and leaving them behind, it's not on and it's not a long term solution.

I guess when she's deemed "old enough" by some mumsnetters to be worthy.

Jokes aside, I don't know. The routine he has with his elder DC is the same as it was pre my pregnancy. I struggled with PND after her birth and am only really having the fog lift recently so I have only recently started pressing harder on how he finds the balance between them all moving forwards.

OP posts:
Charlize43 · 20/12/2022 22:22

Have I got this right, the child you're worried that your DH hasn't bought a Christmas card for and hasn't arranged to take to Santa is less than 12 months old?

Will she even know what a Christmas card is?