To be a bit disappointed in DH

[NameChagaiiiin]

Name changed for this. I'm pretty certain I'm not BU but I just need to vent.

DH and I have a blended family. One DC together and he has 2 DC with his ex.

This Christmas is our DDs first, so I understand she's young and doesn't have a clue what's going on. Fine.

DH sat and painstakingly chose Christmas cards for his other children a couple of weeks ago. He said to me, I've just ordered the children's Christmas cards from Etsy.

Brilliant.

They were delivered yesterday. And he didn't order a card for our DC. Now I know I can go and get her a card and I know it doesn't ruin Christmas.

hes also taking his other DC to see santa on Thursday, but not our DC. Again, I know shes young and won't have a clue, but I know, I also know he took his eldest children from a very young age anyway.

AIBU to think he is just so caught up in making sure he ticks all the boxes with the children he doesn't live with, that he's forgetting about the one he does?

When I brought up the card and santa issue he just kind of dismissed it and didn't really see my POV so I dunno if I'm BU.

Does people leave their baby out of Santa visit photos when they have multiple kids? Isn’t that the whole point of Santa visit for adults so they can have the lovely photograph for memories? Quite odd to not put the baby in the photo too when it doesn’t cost extra 🤔 Surely this should be a “start as you mean to go on” situation and not be separating the kids, shouldn’t things be done as a family as a whole? Ok if he has some days out with his older 2 himself as usual but on special occasions like Xmas it’s just nicer to look back on photos of all 3 kids in the Santa photo 🤷🏼‍♀️ And yes the cards for kids are silly imo but that’s his thing and to have done it for older kids and not this one I can understand why OP would be feeling like her baby isn’t been given the same keepsakes!! Besides this is OP’s first baby so it’s unfair to tell her she’s been stupid over a “waste of time and money” card and Santa visit when it’s about the memories for her or showing her daughter things in future not about what the baby can understand now ffs, I can’t even believe people need to be told that when it’s common sense 🙄

I do agreeeee! Start as you mean to go and create beautiful memories of your baby as a baby on special occasions!

Eh, I get it. I would probably feel the same way. I think he's overcompensating for the older ones to make sure they don't feel left out. As long as he doesn't continue to leave the youngest DC out every Christmas, and this is the only year it happens I would let it go.

Yes of course, imagine everyone said sure what’s the point they’re a baby they don’t understand, why bloody bother doing anything then, sure don’t take photos what’s the point they won’t remember, don’t buy that nice little blanket sure what’s the point any cheap tat will do they don’t understand, I bet half these eejits commenting looking down on OP like she’s a jealous nut spent a fortune on professional newborn photos or cute little outfits that they wore once etc, we’re all guilty of doing waste of money things with our babies but it’s always for our own memories or to show our kids in future we done this or you wore that or this is your first Xmas etc 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

I think you recognise this is about worry about the future and how your DH will treat your DC. You could either discuss it with him now or put this to bed for now.

Either way - this might not be good advice it’s just what I would do - as a general rule, I would be doing the stuff I want for my DC and creating the memories I want for DC, with or without him. Focus on that.

And you've sat and looked through them? How totally bizarre. Why?

Yanbu, the overcompensating is constant. And everyone around you/them will gaslight you about it.

Your DC will be better off in the end though; this is how I try to look at it.

You sound like such hard work, and envy is not a good trait.

So your saying that he sent his babies a first Xmas card on his own and not from both parents? I want to reserve comment until you answer as I think it would be very strange for him to do this on his own?

🤣🤣🤣

Please rtft including all my replies.

Yawn.

You know its entirely possible that he showed them to me because he's a proud father.

Weird for mumsnet hate I know.

Don’t believe the Xmas cards were signed just off him 🤥 that’s not normal anyhoo you crack on with the drama and jealousy. Why not LTB

OP initially I voted YABU but after reading your later posts I changed my vote to YANBU. It does seem like you will have to advocate for your baby here. Ask him to order and write your baby a Xmas card so she can put it in her box. And ask him to go with you both to see Santa and get the photo. Just insist that she is treated equally. If he wants to have seperate time width his other children at Santa rather than go with you and new baby, fine, but he needs to ALSO go with you and new baby! You shouldn’t miss out on these things just because he is doing things independently with the other kids. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all.

However, instead of telling him off or making it a negative thing, I think you just need to lean into the theme of “I know you’ve done this twice before but it’s MY first baby and it would mean so much to me if you could help me make it special for her, I would really love if you could make her a Xmas card for her first Xmas and can we go to see Santa on Friday together please, I would love to have that photo”

I feel like men (and all people) react better when they’re not put on the defensive back foot but are given a nice positive reason to do something.

And for the disbelievers, my dog gets a card from both me and my DP so I can well believe babies can get cards from their dads.

Your baby does not need a card or a Santa visit. You know they're too young. Let this go

Why unlikely? Both my children went to see Santa as babies. One was 2 weeks old.

So he gave cards to babies under a year old.

Signed them just from him, not from their mother.

Took them himself, when he separated from their mother, to a house the supposed recipients don't live in.

And then sat there showing them to you - not photos of his children or their achievements or anything that as a father, he could actually be 'proud' of - but rather, cards that he himself had written to babies too young to understand them and then kept himself.

What was he proud of, writing a card?

None of this really makes any sense, does it?

Sure that's what I said.

Yawn.

Thank you 😊

We are skipping santa with just her this year (both agreed they can all go together next year) and he has sourced a lovely first Christmas card for her keepsake box 😊