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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit disappointed in DH

168 replies

NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 20:50

Name changed for this. I'm pretty certain I'm not BU but I just need to vent.

DH and I have a blended family. One DC together and he has 2 DC with his ex.

This Christmas is our DDs first, so I understand she's young and doesn't have a clue what's going on. Fine.

DH sat and painstakingly chose Christmas cards for his other children a couple of weeks ago. He said to me, I've just ordered the children's Christmas cards from Etsy.

Brilliant.

They were delivered yesterday. And he didn't order a card for our DC. Now I know I can go and get her a card and I know it doesn't ruin Christmas.

hes also taking his other DC to see santa on Thursday, but not our DC. Again, I know shes young and won't have a clue, but I know, I also know he took his eldest children from a very young age anyway.

AIBU to think he is just so caught up in making sure he ticks all the boxes with the children he doesn't live with, that he's forgetting about the one he does?

When I brought up the card and santa issue he just kind of dismissed it and didn't really see my POV so I dunno if I'm BU.

OP posts:
Littlewhitecat · 20/12/2022 22:23

I live with my children and have never given them a Christmas card. Why would you give a card to a baby?

Gruffalo101 · 20/12/2022 22:24

He is probably reassuring his other children they won't be 'forgotten' just because he has a new baby elsewhere. Which if that's the case is lovely.

HellsCominWithMe · 20/12/2022 22:27

NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 21:42

🤣🤣🤣 seems fair

Show quote history

You go see Santa with the baby. Ask the elf to take a picture of you and the baby. Get it printed as ‘baby’s first trip to Santa’.

not weird. I did it with my DC.

Jewel7 · 20/12/2022 22:28

I can see your point but maybe he likes alone time with them too. Maybe you can go together to see fc, the three of you. I don’t buy my children cards. Have the conversation for next year if you would like to all go together?

PixieLaLa · 20/12/2022 22:29

YANBU, have you asked him why he hasn’t got a card for his youngest DC?I agree cards are pointless and the baby won’t care but I get it’s more than that here

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 22:30

Jewel7 · 20/12/2022 22:28

I can see your point but maybe he likes alone time with them too. Maybe you can go together to see fc, the three of you. I don’t buy my children cards. Have the conversation for next year if you would like to all go together?

If it was that easy I wouldn't be moaning.

His only time off this week is with his eldest (I don't begrudge) but we can't just do 2 seperate trips unfortunately.

So I either take her on my own or not at all. And I'll buy her a card and get him to write in it lol

OP posts:
WimbyAce · 20/12/2022 22:34

I bought cards for my 2 since birth. Obviously as babies they wouldn't know what it is but I have kept them as I write a special message to them each year and when they are older they can have them to look back on. I do the same with their birthday cards.

Muddywaters1 · 20/12/2022 22:34

Not now, OP, but soon, you'll need to speak to him about ensuring your joint child gets an equal share of his attention, because that's the true issue at the core of this. Yes it doesnt REALLY matter about a card and a Santa visit now, but he's just showing you how easy it is for him to ignore that he has a third child

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 22:34

PixieLaLa · 20/12/2022 22:29

YANBU, have you asked him why he hasn’t got a card for his youngest DC?I agree cards are pointless and the baby won’t care but I get it’s more than that here

I did. He had the grace to look embarrassed but literally said he forgot.

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 20/12/2022 22:35

Hmmm I'd be put out. I know babies don't appreciate cards but we always write ours cards, and it's lovely looking back and reading them now! Dd 8 and 10. Ditto Santa. So many experiences that they don't remember, but you do, and as they grow up they enjoy looking back at the photos. Yanbu

Purplepurse · 20/12/2022 22:36

She is your husbands third child. My third child has an almost empty baby record book. I detailed every aspect of the eldest child's life and almost nothing of the thirds. They are equally loved.

SnowlayRoundabout · 20/12/2022 22:40

Your husband's work shifts must be brutal if they don't allow him time to do anything other than sleep when he's off. Is he really doing a 16 hour day including any commuting? If so, his job has to change because that just isn't sustainable on any level.

Scout2016 · 20/12/2022 22:41

I'm not sure how blended you are if he's keeping things separate and nothing has changed, it'show it was pre pregnacy nevermind arrival. The children are siblings and should spend time with each other, and your child should see their dad on his days off.
When he's thought of his kids giving xarss snd seeing Santa he's either forgotten or excluded one, which is fairly rubbish. Yes, you can take your child to see FC, but then their mum can take them too, and thinking like that risks getting petty. He's the joint link.

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 22:45

SnowlayRoundabout · 20/12/2022 22:40

Your husband's work shifts must be brutal if they don't allow him time to do anything other than sleep when he's off. Is he really doing a 16 hour day including any commuting? If so, his job has to change because that just isn't sustainable on any level.

Anything between 12 to 14 hour shifts and a 40 min commute each way so yes I completely agree that it needs to be looked at.
It's not the job he was doing when I was pregnant as he was made redundant, so I've been supportive of the change so far as he very quickly found work elsewhere and plugs on to provide for all his children, but we have half discussed this as he will be useless for nursery drop offs and collections when I RTW.

OP posts:
deeperthanallroses · 20/12/2022 22:47

I think you’re right it’s something to watch out for and you’re doing the right thing calling him on it. With experiences I would consider if he’s booked a few nice things out for the others that you do nice things and don’t add him on- ‘oh I thought you didn’t want to do trips with baby. You are always booking them for the dc so I thought you didn’t book them for baby because you didn’t want to go on them.’ Make it clear that you do the work and you get the reward, dont fall into the you do everything for shared child trap and he gets to look like a good dad because you are there.

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 22:48

Scout2016 · 20/12/2022 22:41

I'm not sure how blended you are if he's keeping things separate and nothing has changed, it'show it was pre pregnacy nevermind arrival. The children are siblings and should spend time with each other, and your child should see their dad on his days off.
When he's thought of his kids giving xarss snd seeing Santa he's either forgotten or excluded one, which is fairly rubbish. Yes, you can take your child to see FC, but then their mum can take them too, and thinking like that risks getting petty. He's the joint link.

Yep. This is why I'm miffed.

I never begrudged his father/DC time and I never will, but not at the expense of my daughter.

I half joked a few weeks ago our DC would see more of him if I left him. (I don't actually plan to do this, it was more a jab at how he isn't managing his time fairly).

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 22:49

deeperthanallroses · 20/12/2022 22:47

I think you’re right it’s something to watch out for and you’re doing the right thing calling him on it. With experiences I would consider if he’s booked a few nice things out for the others that you do nice things and don’t add him on- ‘oh I thought you didn’t want to do trips with baby. You are always booking them for the dc so I thought you didn’t book them for baby because you didn’t want to go on them.’ Make it clear that you do the work and you get the reward, dont fall into the you do everything for shared child trap and he gets to look like a good dad because you are there.

Solid advice this actually thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 22:53

Purplepurse · 20/12/2022 22:36

She is your husbands third child. My third child has an almost empty baby record book. I detailed every aspect of the eldest child's life and almost nothing of the thirds. They are equally loved.

I understand what you're saying. My sticking point is that both his elder DC have these cards and photos of him with santa and the DC. (The ex didn't go when they were together, it was his thing to do with the children) and I felt it right that our DC now gets included in those.

It essentially feels a little like he's living two seperate lives, I understand he wants time with his children, but that should be all of them.

It's not like he's home at 5pm every day, here all weekend etc. He does one bedtime per week with the youngest due to work/seeing the other DC and maybe sees her for an hour or so on his days off before he heads off to see the others.

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 20/12/2022 22:58

I’ve never heard of parents giving their own children Christmas cards unless perhaps they live very far away and never see each other. You say he has given cards to his dc since they were born. While he lived with them. Before they could read or even hold the card. And just the father, not the mother. And you didn’t get your dc a card, it is just the father who does it. Someone explain this to me, makes no sense. The FC visits make sense, but not with a baby who has no clue what’s going on, maybe at 2.

Winter2019 · 20/12/2022 22:59

YABU but I get you are emotional. However, what's more worrying your dh dismissing it instead of explaining that of course he will be doing these things for your dc when they're older

ThreeLocusts · 20/12/2022 23:01

OP it makes sense that you'd like your child to get everything the older ones did, and maybe you'd also like to have that first Xmas card etc for yourself.

But you could also see this as him having learned something with the older kids, I.e. that these things make a lot more sense once they make sense to the kid.

Perhaps it's just to do with this being your 1st child but his 3rd? At any rate I wouldn't make too much of this.

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 23:02

MysteryBelle · 20/12/2022 22:58

I’ve never heard of parents giving their own children Christmas cards unless perhaps they live very far away and never see each other. You say he has given cards to his dc since they were born. While he lived with them. Before they could read or even hold the card. And just the father, not the mother. And you didn’t get your dc a card, it is just the father who does it. Someone explain this to me, makes no sense. The FC visits make sense, but not with a baby who has no clue what’s going on, maybe at 2.

I agree with you, but I've seen the cards. As well as the box of cards my DH has from HIS father so obvs a weird tradition that I absolutely wouldn't think to entertain if it weren't for the fact he's done it with his eldest from their first Christmas, so I assumed he would do it for our DC too.

OP posts:
blackbeardsballsack · 20/12/2022 23:03

Well if I had a baby, I would take them to Christmas events with my older DC, and I would also order them a card if I was ordering them for the older DC. Because you know, the baby would be my kid just like my older kids are my kids.

All the comments along the lines of 'the baby is with him all the time and the DSC's aren't so they should get X, Y and Z' just read to me as if some posters actively enjoy hearing about the younger child missing out and growing up to feel less important than the dad's older children. It's not the babies fault that their dad split up with his first wife! Living with the baby full time clearly isn't full of dad and son bath times and stories, the OP has explained he's generally at work unless his older children are there.

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 23:04

ThreeLocusts · 20/12/2022 23:01

OP it makes sense that you'd like your child to get everything the older ones did, and maybe you'd also like to have that first Xmas card etc for yourself.

But you could also see this as him having learned something with the older kids, I.e. that these things make a lot more sense once they make sense to the kid.

Perhaps it's just to do with this being your 1st child but his 3rd? At any rate I wouldn't make too much of this.

I agree. It's not the hill I'm going to die on. She's only 8 months old. I've got loads of time to pick a hill 🤣

It just irked me a bit and came across as our DC was less important than his first 2.

Maybe it's because I'm the youngest of 3 and was left out of loads of things 🤣😭

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 23:05

blackbeardsballsack · 20/12/2022 23:03

Well if I had a baby, I would take them to Christmas events with my older DC, and I would also order them a card if I was ordering them for the older DC. Because you know, the baby would be my kid just like my older kids are my kids.

All the comments along the lines of 'the baby is with him all the time and the DSC's aren't so they should get X, Y and Z' just read to me as if some posters actively enjoy hearing about the younger child missing out and growing up to feel less important than the dad's older children. It's not the babies fault that their dad split up with his first wife! Living with the baby full time clearly isn't full of dad and son bath times and stories, the OP has explained he's generally at work unless his older children are there.

Thank you. Spot on.

OP posts: