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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit disappointed in DH

168 replies

NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 20:50

Name changed for this. I'm pretty certain I'm not BU but I just need to vent.

DH and I have a blended family. One DC together and he has 2 DC with his ex.

This Christmas is our DDs first, so I understand she's young and doesn't have a clue what's going on. Fine.

DH sat and painstakingly chose Christmas cards for his other children a couple of weeks ago. He said to me, I've just ordered the children's Christmas cards from Etsy.

Brilliant.

They were delivered yesterday. And he didn't order a card for our DC. Now I know I can go and get her a card and I know it doesn't ruin Christmas.

hes also taking his other DC to see santa on Thursday, but not our DC. Again, I know shes young and won't have a clue, but I know, I also know he took his eldest children from a very young age anyway.

AIBU to think he is just so caught up in making sure he ticks all the boxes with the children he doesn't live with, that he's forgetting about the one he does?

When I brought up the card and santa issue he just kind of dismissed it and didn't really see my POV so I dunno if I'm BU.

OP posts:
musingsinmidlife · 20/12/2022 23:07

How do you know he bought Christmas cards for his two kids when they were infants? You weren't in the picture then. He saved the Christmas cards he gave them in infancy?

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 23:12

musingsinmidlife · 20/12/2022 23:07

How do you know he bought Christmas cards for his two kids when they were infants? You weren't in the picture then. He saved the Christmas cards he gave them in infancy?

Yes they're in their keep sake boxes he has for them. I dunno WHY the tradition is what it is, but it exists for him. At least it did.

OP posts:
blackbeardsballsack · 20/12/2022 23:14

Are lots of posters just missing the point on purpose? I don't get cards for my DC. That's not the fucking point. This dad does, and always has. And does it painstakingly. And he has literally said he forgot to do it for this particular child. It doesn't matter if you lot think cards are stupid, that's not the question!!

MysteryBelle · 20/12/2022 23:15

NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 23:02

I agree with you, but I've seen the cards. As well as the box of cards my DH has from HIS father so obvs a weird tradition that I absolutely wouldn't think to entertain if it weren't for the fact he's done it with his eldest from their first Christmas, so I assumed he would do it for our DC too.

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Ah, ok makes sense. And I didn’t want to imply I didn’t believe you, I do. I should have put I’m in USA and I was wondering if this is a tradition I just hadn’t heard of. Thanks for clarifying. I can understand your view and I think I’d feel the same.

Maybe after Christmas when the stress of holiday is over and you’re having a quiet moment with him, tell him again how it felt to see him seem to treat his dc differently. His guilt is overriding thinking about your perspective, I bet.

VioletLemon · 20/12/2022 23:15

It's lovely he wants to prioritise some time to spend with his children who are old enough to know Santa etc. They don't get to live with him, your baby does so I'd be keen to encourage these special times so that as they grow they will then want time together with all of his family. It's important you respect their need for this time without a baby being present too.... Why?

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 23:16

blackbeardsballsack · 20/12/2022 23:14

Are lots of posters just missing the point on purpose? I don't get cards for my DC. That's not the fucking point. This dad does, and always has. And does it painstakingly. And he has literally said he forgot to do it for this particular child. It doesn't matter if you lot think cards are stupid, that's not the question!!

Thank you 🤣🤣

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 23:19

MysteryBelle · 20/12/2022 23:15

Ah, ok makes sense. And I didn’t want to imply I didn’t believe you, I do. I should have put I’m in USA and I was wondering if this is a tradition I just hadn’t heard of. Thanks for clarifying. I can understand your view and I think I’d feel the same.

Maybe after Christmas when the stress of holiday is over and you’re having a quiet moment with him, tell him again how it felt to see him seem to treat his dc differently. His guilt is overriding thinking about your perspective, I bet.

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Haha no that's fine. It is weird. My parents never sent me Christmas cards until I moved out lol.

But yes, I'm not planning a divorce over it, it just bugged me so I need to tackle it after the festivities so we're on the same page about (odd) traditions going forwards

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 20/12/2022 23:22

NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 23:19

Haha no that's fine. It is weird. My parents never sent me Christmas cards until I moved out lol.

But yes, I'm not planning a divorce over it, it just bugged me so I need to tackle it after the festivities so we're on the same page about (odd) traditions going forwards

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Good plan. Over time, he probably won’t feel so much like he has to overcompensate the dc he’s not living with full time. A time of transition I guess.

VioletLemon · 20/12/2022 23:24

For perspective, I was broken hearted as a young teen not getting a card from Dad to put up in my home. He didn't live with us and I felt absolute resentment for over 30 years for his new L partner not recognising how much it would have meant to spend a few hours with my Dad minus partner and new family. Now he's dead but it hurt that the first children seemed less important and not worthy of exclusive time. When that happens it's like the first families existance can feel invalid and a mistake, it's v damaging. Your DH sounds a lovely Dad. Accept babies don't care and it's more about you. You can do special things too as part of your first Christmas as a family. Don't be threatened.

musingsinmidlife · 20/12/2022 23:26

NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 23:12

Yes they're in their keep sake boxes he has for them. I dunno WHY the tradition is what it is, but it exists for him. At least it did.

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What did he say then about why he didn't continue the tradition?

Cheeseandlobster · 20/12/2022 23:26

JustAJokeLikeOnTopGear · 20/12/2022 20:58

I find the idea of cards to immediate family so weird - to me they’re to send to people you’re not spending Christmas with. You can say it in person with a hug.

I realise I’m in the minority!

I don't think you are in the minority. I don't know anyone who buys Christmas cards for the people they live with, let alone a baby who has no idea anyway. Op you are being ridiculous. Surely you know this?

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 23:31

musingsinmidlife · 20/12/2022 23:26

What did he say then about why he didn't continue the tradition?

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Literally just looked embarrassed and said he forgot 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 23:33

Cheeseandlobster · 20/12/2022 23:26

I don't think you are in the minority. I don't know anyone who buys Christmas cards for the people they live with, let alone a baby who has no idea anyway. Op you are being ridiculous. Surely you know this?

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At the risk of repeating myself

This is a tradition HE started with his eldest DC from day one.

I find it odd and if he didn't do this already, I absolutely wouldn't even think about it.

I'm not going to lose any sleep over it. But considering I asked him about his youngest cards and he said he "forgot" it miffed me.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 21/12/2022 08:01

Literally just looked embarrassed and said he forgot 😔

So if you raised it with him and he said he forgot, I'd be expecting him to remember next time. He looked embarrassed... so why did you feel a thread was necessary, when you've addressed it with him and his response was appropriate.

It sounds like you're not happy that he forgot...and wondering why he would forget.

If his response to you was that baby doesn't need a card, I'd understand your point.

As far as the trip to Santa...we'll it's a hassle taking a baby, especially with older kids. I know you'll say hebtool his older kids as babies, but that's not the same.

He'll have to focus on them and the baby and I can see why he wouldn't take the baby too. Perhaps if he never saw the older ones, he would have taken the baby.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 21/12/2022 11:24

NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 21:17

Yes. I think that's nail on the head there actually.

Thank you

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Sorry I phrased this badly I meant 'pointless' from the perspective of a baby. Really that stuff is for your benefit as a mum and that's absolutely valid. Your feelings are important too.

112233aa · 21/12/2022 18:14

All my kids get Christmas cards and get to see Santa. Imo it’s a complete dickhead move to do some of your kids. Treat them all the same no matter what don’t even get how you can either forget or simply not bother to do something for just one of your kids when you’re already doing it or the others 🥴

familyissues12345 · 21/12/2022 18:22

Ah OP, it's a bit crappy of your DH to do this Sad. I know she's not going to know, but it would have been nice to have taken her. I bet her older siblings would have loved to have "shown her off" too

Sunshine275 · 21/12/2022 18:28

Having a 3 and 6 year old I know the youngest one being a toddler takes a lot of attention away from her sister, meal times, days out, when she was in a nappy. Maybe he just wants quality time with the two without having their younger sibling take his attention when they get to live with him.

Msloverlover · 21/12/2022 18:42

NameChagaiiiin · 20/12/2022 20:58

I totally agree tbh.

BUT he did all this stuff with his older children from day dot. If he hadn't started until they were older, I'd feel differently.

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There is no way he took a baby to see Santa. What would be the point in that? Presumably brought the second one as a baby when the older one was old enough to go.

You really need to stop being jealous and instead appreciate that he is a good dad to ALL his children. Having grown up with a shit absent father, I can tell you it’s crap.

BloodAndFire · 21/12/2022 18:54

Where do these children keep their 'keepsake boxes'? Such that you've seen them...

THEDEACON · 21/12/2022 19:35

YANBU but those who are the exes with the "first children " will tell you that you are

Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 21/12/2022 20:50

Msloverlover · 21/12/2022 18:42

There is no way he took a baby to see Santa. What would be the point in that? Presumably brought the second one as a baby when the older one was old enough to go.

You really need to stop being jealous and instead appreciate that he is a good dad to ALL his children. Having grown up with a shit absent father, I can tell you it’s crap.

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Must be photoshopped photos of his first then obviously 🙄

Don't project your Daddy issues thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
NameChagaiiiin · 21/12/2022 20:51

BloodAndFire · 21/12/2022 18:54

Where do these children keep their 'keepsake boxes'? Such that you've seen them...

I guess they're more his boxes. If you want precise details they're on the top shelf of the built in wardrobe in our bedroom. Next to his shoe boxes and a little to the right of some old jeans.

OP posts:
Computersaysno123 · 21/12/2022 20:58

@teezletangler funny you say that as I've done all these things with mine as little ones but it's kind of for me as well as memories (pics as obvs they won't remember) for them so don't see as idiotic at all. Just a nice thing to do. But not for everyone i see

MeridaBrave · 21/12/2022 21:14

It’s her first Christmas so she isn’t one yet. Get a grip. Waste of time money and effort to do that with a baby. Maybe he did it with older children and now realises it’s a waste of time money and effort…