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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners family not acknowledging my pregnancy ?

260 replies

girlshelpxx · 20/12/2022 01:53

Hiya everyone, I want to know AIBU or do I have the right to feel upset? I’m currently 7 weeks pregnant (very early I know) It's our first baby and we are so excited. A few people already know including his family, they have known since I was 4 weeks ( we can't keep our mouths shut 🤣 ) he told them when I wasn't there , which I preferred tbh because we didn't know how they would react, I was told they reacted quiet well and they are happy. The few people that know gave me big hugs and congratulated me, except his family... I have seen them multiple times since them knowing and they haven't said anything to me, as if nothing is happening, me and his family have a good relationship and we talk all of the time, I just feel upset that they haven't acknowledged it ? is this normal for me to feel? when I say his family I mean his parents and his older sister who is 30! I see them most days during the week and I feel as if things are awkward because they won't mention it, I don't understand why they won't ? I did mention to my partner why they haven't said anything and he said "what are they supposed to say" which annoyed me because my parents give my partner a hug and congratulated us together , AIBU? xx

OP posts:
Naunet · 20/12/2022 10:10

Well you’ve been spectacularly irresponsible, but you have a baby on the way now, so it’s time to grow up. You’re focusing on the wrong things, your primary concern should be moving out and working out how you’re going to support your child. What’s the plan?

Dixiechickonhols · 20/12/2022 10:26

may2102 · 20/12/2022 10:09

Wow. Some of these replies are absolutely brutal. I had a child at 20, another one at 21. Im not going to lie and say it was easy but we managed. My partner was 21. We’re still together now. I have a degree and a career, I’ve also completed a masters degree last year.

Was it easy? Absolutely not. Would I have changed my children for anything? Definitely not. I also have a 1 year old and I wish I had have the energy now that I did with my 8 year old.

I lived at home, I had to find somewhere to live and make it a home. We don’t ask our families for much help and are completely self sufficient. It isn’t impossible.

20 is different to 18 though. It sounds like it was 8 yrs ago too.
Things are much harder now in terms of house rentals etc.
You obviously managed to get a deposit and references and rent a house in a few months and make it work. It’s not easy to do that. All credit to you. The Op sounds very naive and immature. Lots of landlords will want a guarantor before renting to a teen couple.

Bambini12 · 20/12/2022 10:37

I had my first child at 18 to a 19 year old partner.

It took a long time for my parents and his parents to come around as well. They were seriously disappointed although they love my eldest now.

I seriously regret not waiting. It’s a tricky one as if I had not done it then I wouldn’t have had the child I have now, they would be a different child. So I can’t regret it in that way. But I seriously wish I had been older.

being a parent seriously limits your life chances at that age. I have had to stay in my home town close to family support and although I now have a great career it was a lot harder to get there. I couldn’t go to the university I wanted to, for example, I did go but I went local as it was my only option

i also realised that my partner was abusive as well. Co-parenting ties you to another person for life! And the person you are at 18 is not the person you are at 30 or 40, you grow apart and might realise that you no longer like your co-parent.

If a child of mine told me at 17 that they had got someone pregnant or were pregnant themselves, I would actively encourage them to have an abortion. I am trying to raise in a way that normalises reproductive choices, I.e. not every pregnancy has to lead to a baby - so it is ingrained that they will have that option.

it was upsetting at the time that our families weren’t immediately congratulating us but now from experience I know exactly why they were so disappointed and it took a long time for them to come around

KSJR · 20/12/2022 10:40

OP You only have to read over your PP’S to see why they aren’t congratulating you. The whole situation/relationship sounds very immature and toxic.

Sennelier1 · 20/12/2022 10:42

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I do hope all goes well. But you are very young to be parents, 18 and 19 is hardly out of school. Children are great, but they end your own childhood. Hanging out with your friends will never be the same again. Are you ready for that? Also, are both of you independant financially? Living on your own? How about jobs? Or do you depend on your and his parents for housing and income? Maybe that's why they're a bit reticent? I do understand his parents might have preferred for their son to do some more growing up before procreating. I know I would've been very disappointed. My children both finished higher education as did their partners, and I'm now a proud grandma to a housefull of lovely babies. But I'm very nappy they didn't start their families at 18.

MRSDoos · 20/12/2022 10:53

I saw some answers that you have previously posted about trying to conceive so I did have a look at your posting history and I can see that you and your partner have been trying for a baby for some months.
I imagine that it is something you and your partner have really wanted so to not get congratulated by his parents I can see why you are hurt.
Like others have said, it could be your age.
I have no idea what your living arrangements are like, do you live together? Have jobs? Stable? I think all these things matter no matter what age.
I will be honest and say I do think my parents would be upset if I got pregnant at 18. That doesn’t mean you won’t be a great mum as I’m sure you will be, but perhaps his parents are very concerned about the age.
I think the fact that you preferred him telling his parents alone hints to me that you kind of knew his parents mind say something or be a bit disappointed. Maybe I’m wrong

DrSmoot · 20/12/2022 11:13

KSJR · 20/12/2022 10:40

OP You only have to read over your PP’S to see why they aren’t congratulating you. The whole situation/relationship sounds very immature and toxic.

I just had a quick look.
In June OP had only been with her DP for 10 months but had already posted multiple posts about implant removal, ovulation, early pregnancy symptoms but also
throughout our relationship i've lost friendships as i stopped socialising. the friends i do have left i never see. same with family i rarely see them. i’m starting to get so sad and can't cope with how much i miss them.

This is not a healthy relationship and not one a child should be brought into. Sad

BringBackFoilWrappers · 20/12/2022 11:20

I don't think op is coming back to this thread.

Skye991422 · 20/12/2022 11:34

I feel like you’ve had a lot of rather unsupportive comments here OP. You and your dp are very young and will need your family’s support so I can completely understand why you’re upset they haven’t mentioned it. You deserve love, care and respect as much as older parents to be - maybe even more so. I don’t think it’s at all helpful or kind to have all these posters here telling you how disappointed, angry or upset it would be if it was their teen. And you don’t know if that’s how dp’s family are feeling. I’d suggest bringing it up (perhaps mention the date of the 12 week scan for example) with your dp around. Involving them in the pregnancy yourself might help and if you find they aren’t supportive or excited at the moment give them some time and remember you have your family there for you.
Congratulations and I hope all goes well for you

knittingaddict · 20/12/2022 11:37

I think they deserve some parental finger wagging and a severe talking to actually.

Motnight · 20/12/2022 11:44

BringBackFoilWrappers · 20/12/2022 11:20

I don't think op is coming back to this thread.

But don't worry, she will start another soon enough.

SleeplessInEngland · 20/12/2022 11:45

BringBackFoilWrappers · 20/12/2022 11:20

I don't think op is coming back to this thread.

Perhaps when she makes the next thread she can remember to get the imaginary partner's age right.

TrashyPanda · 20/12/2022 11:45

Have you both got full-time jobs?
Will yiu get maternity pay?
do you have your own place?
are you able to pay for childcare when you return to work?

If the answer to any of these is “no” then I can understand why his parents are less than thrilled

whowhatwerewhy · 20/12/2022 12:08

I don't think op will be back.
Most posters are asking about the plans for when the baby is born , housing, finances, child care ect all thing that op should have answers for .
If op has got pregnant with no thoughts as to affording a baby she's delusional.
Working couples are struggling with child care costs and SAHM are struggling on one wage and benefits.
Bringing up children is a huge responsibility and extremely expensive .

Now is maybe the time for op and BF to speak to the GP as a couple telling them their plans for being a family. I have a funny feeling that there are no plans , just oh we will get social housing and benefits .

Shinyandnew1 · 20/12/2022 12:18

You deserve love, care and respect as much as older parents to be-maybe even more so.

Why?

I respect people who have given some serious time and consideration as to how they are going to fund and house their baby BEFORE they try to conceive it.

Teenagers who deliberately get pregnant when they still both live at their parents is not something too many people respect.

ChristmasJingleBalls · 20/12/2022 12:39

I feel like you’ve had a lot of rather unsupportive comments here OP. You and your dp are very young and will need your family’s support

Then don’t purposely get pregnant at 18. Totally unfair to do so if you’re then expecting housing or financial support from family.

DashboardConfessional · 20/12/2022 12:42

Skye991422 · 20/12/2022 11:34

I feel like you’ve had a lot of rather unsupportive comments here OP. You and your dp are very young and will need your family’s support so I can completely understand why you’re upset they haven’t mentioned it. You deserve love, care and respect as much as older parents to be - maybe even more so. I don’t think it’s at all helpful or kind to have all these posters here telling you how disappointed, angry or upset it would be if it was their teen. And you don’t know if that’s how dp’s family are feeling. I’d suggest bringing it up (perhaps mention the date of the 12 week scan for example) with your dp around. Involving them in the pregnancy yourself might help and if you find they aren’t supportive or excited at the moment give them some time and remember you have your family there for you.
Congratulations and I hope all goes well for you

I'm sure they're delighted their teenage son and his girlfriend will be raising their grandchild in his childhood bedroom!

Shinyandnew1 · 20/12/2022 12:48

You and your dp are very young and will need your family’s support

What if the family don’t want to house, provide childcare or pay for the baby of these two teenagers?

Ocrumbs · 20/12/2022 12:52

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 20/12/2022 08:59

As I say, oddly, the OP hasn’t been back to confirm that.

Hope springs eternal, though………………..

Show quote history

I'd assume they had. The alternative is ridiculous.

NopeandSnory · 20/12/2022 12:58

18 years old, both of you have contributed nothing to society and I bet you won’t be financing your lifestyle yourselves? I wouldn’t be acknowledging this either.

FantaFour · 20/12/2022 13:07

ZekeZeke · 20/12/2022 03:02

I doubt they are happy.
You are both young and I assume both living at home?
You see his family most days? That is WAY too much.

This. I can't imagine gushing about two very young, barely adult teens becoming parents.

Skye991422 · 20/12/2022 13:35

That’s not what I meant by support. I meant be nice to them. Treat them like human beings. Acknowledge their pregnancy like any of us would want. Ask her how she’s feeling. I cannot believe how many awful and hateful comments this op has received- mentioning abortion, telling them they’ve contributed nothing to society, they don’t deserve this, assuming they won’t look after their baby and just expect their parents to do it etc. I hope she gets support from someone somewhere because it sounds as though she really needs it. I also hope she doesn’t return to this thread and read these comments. Shameful from a bunch of parents to an 18 year old who, we know, is in a very difficult situation at such a young age

LaLuz7 · 20/12/2022 13:43

Shameful from a bunch of parents to an 18 year old who, we know, is in a very difficult situation at such a young age

you say that like she's a victim of fate, not the one who purposefully orchestrated this mess. No sympathy deserved here.

Askinforabaskin · 20/12/2022 13:51

My own mother would have been so disappointed in me if I had chosen to become pregnant at this age.

OP seems very immature but dead set on having this baby. The fact that she was too scared to be there when they were told sends alarm bells ringing (this isn’t something grown ups would do).

I’d suggest giving them a few more weeks to grieve for the hopes they had for their son’s future. Then they need to have grown up chat about what the future is going to like in terms of jobs, housing and childcare. If these things haven’t been thought of now I’d the time. If the partner wanted to conceive this baby as well then I suggest he tells his family this, they may well be thinking you have trapped him.

Poppelops · 20/12/2022 13:53

I mean it's not unreasonable to feel a certain way, but be aware that their silence may be an effort to spare your feelings. The horse has bolted now so anything they MAY be feeling about a pregnancy at your age and in the current economic climate may not be what you want to hear, but just as your feelings aren't unreasonable, neither are theirs (and if they are indeed worried by the news then hat off to them for holding their tongues instead of telling you). The other thing is your partner told them without you and when asked why they weren't talking about it he couldn't think of anything they would have to say about it his baby who he is very excited about? Perhaps when he told them he himself shared some concerns too, or maybe the exchange was not quite as chilled out as he said and he is just protecting your feelings. Or maybe they just aren't the kind of family that reacts to pregnancy and they don't feel particularly inclined to talk about something they cannot yet see or feel. Really you won't know unless you ask them how they feel about the new addition.