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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners family not acknowledging my pregnancy ?

260 replies

girlshelpxx · 20/12/2022 01:53

Hiya everyone, I want to know AIBU or do I have the right to feel upset? I’m currently 7 weeks pregnant (very early I know) It's our first baby and we are so excited. A few people already know including his family, they have known since I was 4 weeks ( we can't keep our mouths shut 🤣 ) he told them when I wasn't there , which I preferred tbh because we didn't know how they would react, I was told they reacted quiet well and they are happy. The few people that know gave me big hugs and congratulated me, except his family... I have seen them multiple times since them knowing and they haven't said anything to me, as if nothing is happening, me and his family have a good relationship and we talk all of the time, I just feel upset that they haven't acknowledged it ? is this normal for me to feel? when I say his family I mean his parents and his older sister who is 30! I see them most days during the week and I feel as if things are awkward because they won't mention it, I don't understand why they won't ? I did mention to my partner why they haven't said anything and he said "what are they supposed to say" which annoyed me because my parents give my partner a hug and congratulated us together , AIBU? xx

OP posts:
orangegato · 20/12/2022 08:05

Maybe because he’s consigned his life and ambitions to be glued to the side of a clingy immature teenager? (Judging by OPs other post). I’d be absolutely heartbroken too.

speakout · 20/12/2022 08:07

Sorry you have had such brutal but honest input OP.

I doubt many people would be thrilled if their 18/19 year old were becoming parents.
And it isn't all about a career and travelling the world- although these things can be great

It's about the day to day drugery.

It's about the fact you will lose freedoms- even simple stuff live going out in the evening or cinema- which-
you probably won't be able to afford anyway. A baby limits our lives, constrains us, ties us down.
At 18 you are still developing emotionally, and although I hope it lasts the chances of you staying with the baby's father is low.
Housing will be an issue- do you plan on staying with your parents?
All three of you move in with parents?
Money will be an issue 18/19 year olds with no real qualifications tend not to earn much.

I am not surprised your boyfriends parents are not raising the subject with you.

You can make this work- there will be people here telling you this was their situation and all turned out well- but it will be very, very hard.
Not something I would wish for my own children.

lifeinthehills · 20/12/2022 08:07

Overall OP, I would say try not to mind read. You don't know why they haven't said anything. Maybe they aren't sure you want them to and are waiting for you to bring up the topic?

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 20/12/2022 08:09

lifeinthehills · 20/12/2022 07:59

I became a parent at 19 and I didn't find it hard. I would find it hard now in my 40s. I just don't have the same ability to cope with the long broken nights and minimal sleep. At least when I was 19 I could run around and climb around with them - even when pregnant, all with no sleep the night before. What I wouldn't give for half that energy now!

Show quote history

It takes a hell of a lot more than just ‘energy’ to raise a child into an adult well.

lifeinthehills · 20/12/2022 08:09

Honestly, if my 18/19 year old was pregnant and they were in the same position as I was at that age, I would be quite happy with the situation.

lifeinthehills · 20/12/2022 08:10

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 20/12/2022 08:09

It takes a hell of a lot more than just ‘energy’ to raise a child into an adult well.

Show quote history

Yeah, I've raised 6 of them into adulthood. Still wish I had the energy I had back then.

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 20/12/2022 08:12

lifeinthehills · 20/12/2022 08:09

Honestly, if my 18/19 year old was pregnant and they were in the same position as I was at that age, I would be quite happy with the situation.

Once again - it’s hardly some searing insight that there are lots of people with zero aspirations or hopes for their life and future, who’d be quite happy for a life of domesticity - in the town they grew up in - from age 18.

Likewise, there are lots of people who hope for, and expect, a lot more from life.

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 20/12/2022 08:13

Given you’ve been “pregnant” every month since about July, they’re probably bored of all the drama and waiting to see if this “pregnancy” actually produces a child.

lifeinthehills · 20/12/2022 08:14

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 20/12/2022 08:12

Once again - it’s hardly some searing insight that there are lots of people with zero aspirations or hopes for their life and future, who’d be quite happy for a life of domesticity - in the town they grew up in - from age 18.

Likewise, there are lots of people who hope for, and expect, a lot more from life.

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Maybe some are. We weren't. We're both highly qualified, well traveled and we did it all on our own. It's possible.

LiftyLift · 20/12/2022 08:15

OPs other posts suggest this pregnancy wasn’t an accident at all. No wonder the parents haven’t mentioned it, they will be devastated and wondering how this will play out.

Do you have your own home? A job that will pay maternity pay? Enough savings to cover you for maternity leave and to buy everything a baby needs? I really hope you’ve thought all of this through.

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 20/12/2022 08:17

lifeinthehills · 20/12/2022 08:14

Maybe some are. We weren't. We're both highly qualified, well traveled and we did it all on our own. It's possible.

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Yes, having 6 babies from age 18 and being ‘highly qualified’ and ‘well travelled’ is an every day occurrence…..

lifeinthehills · 20/12/2022 08:17

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 20/12/2022 08:17

Yes, having 6 babies from age 18 and being ‘highly qualified’ and ‘well travelled’ is an every day occurrence…..

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Choices.

Notanotherone6 · 20/12/2022 08:19

I wouldn't be congratulating couple of teenagers on having unprotected sex. I'd think they were very stupid and his family are probably extremely disappointed in him.

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 20/12/2022 08:19

lifeinthehills · 20/12/2022 08:17

Choices.

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I believe you Wink

Teenagers everywhere are popping them out, log-ride style, while highly qualified and travelling the world.

It’s just down to ‘choices’.

Shinyandnew1 · 20/12/2022 08:23

And that is one of the things that they said to my bf when they found out, is that were too young!

Why the ‘!’?

If I was his parent, I would be wondering where the hell you were going to live with a baby and how you were going to pay for it?! I don’t know any 18/19 year olds that earn enough to support themselves.

What is your housing plan?

LolaMoon · 20/12/2022 08:23

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 20/12/2022 03:16

This is an anonymous forum and you have asked for opinions, so I will give my honest one - even though you won’t like it.

I’d be so, so disappointed if my 19YO son told me his 18YO girlfriend was pregnant.

I want him to go out and live life. Have experiences and do so much of what life has to offer, before he becomes a parent.

I know for some people, they don’t have aspirations beyond having a baby and settling down into domesticity where they grew up, for the rest of their lives. But for other people, that isn’t enough.

I know it wouldn’t be about me - I get all that. But it would be a huge disappointment, because it would limit him in so many way.

Maybe they’re getting their heads around it. It’s a huge deal. I’m sure they will get there in time. But there is bound to be some processing to be done.

I would feel exactly the same as this if I'm being honest. It doesnt mean I wouldnt be happy about the baby but I'd be a bit sad that my son and his GF didnt have more time to explore life and gain experience before having the responsibility of a child. Again, that doesnt mean I wouldnt see a baby as a blessing but honestly, I'd be sad that its such a huge responsibility at such a young age. Of course, young parents can be amazing but I would struggle to get my head around why they chose this so early on in life when they are so young.

AngelinaFibres · 20/12/2022 08:24

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 20/12/2022 03:16

This is an anonymous forum and you have asked for opinions, so I will give my honest one - even though you won’t like it.

I’d be so, so disappointed if my 19YO son told me his 18YO girlfriend was pregnant.

I want him to go out and live life. Have experiences and do so much of what life has to offer, before he becomes a parent.

I know for some people, they don’t have aspirations beyond having a baby and settling down into domesticity where they grew up, for the rest of their lives. But for other people, that isn’t enough.

I know it wouldn’t be about me - I get all that. But it would be a huge disappointment, because it would limit him in so many way.

Maybe they’re getting their heads around it. It’s a huge deal. I’m sure they will get there in time. But there is bound to be some processing to be done.

This.

lifeinthehills · 20/12/2022 08:24

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 20/12/2022 08:19

I believe you Wink

Teenagers everywhere are popping them out, log-ride style, while highly qualified and travelling the world.

It’s just down to ‘choices’.

Show quote history

No, and I get that I'm probably a small minority. We also had a lot of academic ability so that came easy to us. I know other people have strengths of different kinds. But I have seen people choose to put in the effort to get a career, a trade, start a business, or do what it takes to get ahead in life. For some that easier than others and I think it's harder these days. I couldn't see my kids having done it at that stage of life. But I really don't think I could handle the broken nights at this stage very well.

00100001 · 20/12/2022 08:26

Your posting history is odd.
In May you'd been with this guy a year, in June it was 10 months?

You've been trying to get pregnant for 6 months? So deliberately chose to get pregnant with someone you don't live with, you cry and can't handle it when he's not with you....

What's the plan for the future?

Notjustabrunette · 20/12/2022 08:27

Could be a couple of reasons.
one is that unfortunately there is a very good reason why people don’t announce pregnancies before the 12 week scan and that is 25% of those pregnancies unfortunately are not viable. From personal experience it is very hard telling people you are no longer pregnant.
secondly, you are both very young. Which is probably not ideal as you may not be living fully independently from your own parents yet, which is likely to have an impact on both if your own parents.

FlamingJingleBells · 20/12/2022 08:27

What do you both do for employment? Any plans on getting a higher education, apprenticeship or training for your boyfriend?

We're you ttc or was it an accident? Aren't you afraid that you'll miss out on normal life experiences like travelling and socialising. How long were you together before getting pregnant & do you see the relationship lasting.

Tbh I wouldn't be thrilled about this if you were my child.

Ocrumbs · 20/12/2022 08:28

lifeinthehills · 20/12/2022 08:24

No, and I get that I'm probably a small minority. We also had a lot of academic ability so that came easy to us. I know other people have strengths of different kinds. But I have seen people choose to put in the effort to get a career, a trade, start a business, or do what it takes to get ahead in life. For some that easier than others and I think it's harder these days. I couldn't see my kids having done it at that stage of life. But I really don't think I could handle the broken nights at this stage very well.

Show quote history

Yes its definitely possible to be self sufficient enough to have a child etc at a young age. I know someone who set up a business aged 16 and it did really well and by 19 had had their first child and bought a house. So if that's you or your partner OP explain that to your "inlaws"

MingeofDeath · 20/12/2022 08:28

OP you are a fool. Have you no other aspirations in life?

Ocrumbs · 20/12/2022 08:29

MingeofDeath · 20/12/2022 08:28

OP you are a fool. Have you no other aspirations in life?

We don't know, she might have her own business and house and be doing ok careerwise

lifeinthehills · 20/12/2022 08:30

Ocrumbs · 20/12/2022 08:28

Yes its definitely possible to be self sufficient enough to have a child etc at a young age. I know someone who set up a business aged 16 and it did really well and by 19 had had their first child and bought a house. So if that's you or your partner OP explain that to your "inlaws"

Show quote history

I get an impression (more from other people's posts on background), that it is not this OP. OP, this is the time to think about how you can get a solid future together with your partner, under your own steam. This baby is your responsibility to raise and provide for, so you do need a better than plan living between families.