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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partners family not acknowledging my pregnancy ?

260 replies

girlshelpxx · 20/12/2022 01:53

Hiya everyone, I want to know AIBU or do I have the right to feel upset? I’m currently 7 weeks pregnant (very early I know) It's our first baby and we are so excited. A few people already know including his family, they have known since I was 4 weeks ( we can't keep our mouths shut 🤣 ) he told them when I wasn't there , which I preferred tbh because we didn't know how they would react, I was told they reacted quiet well and they are happy. The few people that know gave me big hugs and congratulated me, except his family... I have seen them multiple times since them knowing and they haven't said anything to me, as if nothing is happening, me and his family have a good relationship and we talk all of the time, I just feel upset that they haven't acknowledged it ? is this normal for me to feel? when I say his family I mean his parents and his older sister who is 30! I see them most days during the week and I feel as if things are awkward because they won't mention it, I don't understand why they won't ? I did mention to my partner why they haven't said anything and he said "what are they supposed to say" which annoyed me because my parents give my partner a hug and congratulated us together , AIBU? xx

OP posts:
Itsnotalternateuniverses · 20/12/2022 06:29

OP, how will you support the baby? Where will you live? How will you cope financially? I'm sure this is going round his parent's mind. Have you worked on your anger issues? Do you still get angry if he sees his friends?

Maybe his parents understand just how difficult your life is going to be? Have you made any plans at all or do you expect everyone else to support you?

Bananarama21 · 20/12/2022 06:29

You don't live together your very obsessive and possessive with him. I'd be very concerned if I wad your dp dm.

knittingaddict · 20/12/2022 06:32

RampantIvy · 20/12/2022 06:26

This won't go well, and I doubt that the OP will be back.

I was just about to say the same thing. Op didn't return to the other thread and if events are anything to go by, replies will go in one ear and out the other.

PurpleFlower1983 · 20/12/2022 06:35

They’re probably shocked and disappointed and have no idea what to say. I hope you’ve addressed some of the unhealthier parts of your relationship as throwing a baby into the mix is a whole other level!

MayThe4th · 20/12/2022 06:37

Good god. I have just read through the OP’s posting history.

Seriously the OP sounds like one of those silly young girls obsessing over a baby as if it’s a doll or a plaything. If this pregnancy continues she’s in for a hell of a bloody shock as is her partner when it turns out their loved up routine becomes a dim and distant memories in the sea of shitty nappies and sleepless nights.

Pipsquiggle · 20/12/2022 06:44

Did his family have aspirations for your OH to go to uni and/or travel? Get out and have a life.

How long have you been going out with him?

Where do you both live?

TBH if my 19yo DS announced that his 18yo GF was pregnant I would be far from happy.

I know some teenagers make excellent parents but many don't and stats show you are likely to be poorer having babies so young.

Another reason is that you could miscarry as you're still early days. I remember my SIL and BIL telling us they were pregnant at 4 weeks, 4 weeks later we got a phone call saying she'd miscarried - very sad

EnyoClytemnestra · 20/12/2022 06:50

I'd be pissed if my 19 son got a girl pregnant.

It rakes two to tango @Fairy22 . Women are equally responsible for contaception/family planning, not 'the boy got the girl pregnant' trope

And OP, you and your partner are young, and this may well not have been in either his or your parent's hopes for each of you.
Give them a break, they will have to process this.

Zippy1510 · 20/12/2022 06:50

Very few people are going to be happy if their 18/19 year old is pregnant. You must be barely out of school . They will be worried.

MaryShelley1818 · 20/12/2022 06:55

I'd be devastated if this was my son/daughter.
There will always be examples of someone who had a teenage pregnancy and still managed to be a success in life but these are by far the exception.

HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce · 20/12/2022 07:02

TheOriginalEmu · 20/12/2022 06:14

did you mean to word that like he wouldn’t be just as responsible for this baby as his girlfriend?
‘If he told me his gf was pregnant’ rather then ‘he got his gf pregnant’ for instance. He’s not an innocent bystander.

Show quote history

’He got his girlfriend pregnant’? Why would I say that?

As you say, she’s just as responsible. It’s not down to one party. Obviously.

KhaleesiOfChaos · 20/12/2022 07:03

catandcoffee · 20/12/2022 06:04

You forgot to enable voting for AIBU.

@catandcoffee As far as I know you can't enable voting or even vote on the mobile app. AIBU still works as a board without it!

LAMPS1 · 20/12/2022 07:03

Are you sure your bf is telling you the truth that they reacted quite well and were happy with this baby news ? You sleep with him, but how well do you really know him ?

Unless you are completely financially self-sufficient, living in your own two-bed house with decent well paid and settled careers, then your bf might have been asked all sorts of difficult questions by his family such as…….

Where will you live because we have no room for you all here ?
How will you pay rent / mortgage because we just can’t stretch to help ?
How will you pay for the baby equipment - do you realise the costs ?
How will you afford crazy utility bills when a lot of people can’t ?
Who is going to look after the baby after maternity leave, - we have to work ?
Have you looked at the steep childcare costs on top of rent and utilities ?
Has your gf been working long enough to even get maternity benefits ?
Don't you prefer to further your education for better prospects first?
Why do you want a baby at this age with no life experience yet ?
Do you want to tie yourself to a girl you hardly know for the rest of your life ?
What about your own hopes and aspirations ?
How do you know she can even care for and support a baby ? Can you ?
Was this your idea or hers ?
Have you considered a termination ?

You would do well to ask yourself these questions of him too OP.

You mustn’t rely on anybody else except yourself to pay the very hefty bills for bringing up your precious baby. You already say you are nervous about that. Quite rightly. Think hard and be honest with yourself. Is this the optimum time for your own personal situation and health to bring a baby into the world. Wouldn’t it be better to wait a while ? Please seek further advice about the costs and practicalities. You can’t do this on a wing and a prayer.

If you have all the positive answers, then good luck and congratulations !

Bayleaf25 · 20/12/2022 07:03

I kind of agree with what’s been said here already. Are you both working at the moment/have your own place? I’m assuming as this was planned that you can at the least reassure them that you both understand the responsibilities and are ready for this huge step. They might be concerned about a great many things at this stage. How long have you been together?

Fuwari · 20/12/2022 07:09

It’s a very middle class response for pp’s to say they would hope their son would have a career and “travel the world”. Are you aware that huge swathes of the population don’t have a “career’? They just take a job and do the best they can with what they’ve got and they certainly don’t travel the world! Many parts of the UK have very limited “career” opportunities. That is the reality for many.

I’m not saying it’s great they’re having a baby at those ages but likewise don’t assume that this lads in the position where he’d have some wonderful alternate life had OP not got pregnant. We don’t know that.

That aside, I would be concerned about their relationship, having read OPs other post and bringing a child into that.

Sceptre86 · 20/12/2022 07:10

If you made him tell them on his own they likely think you are embarrassed or don't want to talk about it. They probably don't want to mention it until you do so in their presence. Your age might come into it, it might not.

The only thing I would day I'd you are focusing on the wrong thing If you're going to be someone's mum you need to start growing up and that means having conversations that might be awkward and not saying away from things. Be prepared that they might not be that ecstatic about it. I wouldn't be if it was one of my kids.

Champagneexterior · 20/12/2022 07:12

My parents would be absolutely devastated if I'd have got pregnant at that age.

lifeinthehills · 20/12/2022 07:15

Champagneexterior · 20/12/2022 07:12

My parents would be absolutely devastated if I'd have got pregnant at that age.

Luckily our parents didn't react that way or we would probably have taken the job 8 hours away rather than deliberately taking the much closer one to be nearer them.

I get that OP seems to have some less than ideal circumstances but age doesn't always determine ability to self support and parent.

lifeinthehills · 20/12/2022 07:16

Do his parents know that you know that they know about the pregnancy? Maybe they think they aren't meant to know yet, so are pretending to not know until you tell them.

BeardieWeirdie · 20/12/2022 07:16

You’re not partners. If I was parent to either of you, I wouldn’t be offering congratulations but would be asking how and where you plan to raise a baby given that you do not have your own space, and would be making clear that the current sleepover arrangement would be ending. I be hoping you’d have an early miscarriage or termination, and be devastated that my child has limited their future and opportunities in this way.

poefaced · 20/12/2022 07:17

So from your other thread it sounds like you both live at home with parents and you spend every night with each other at your houses.

I think that’s probably too much for your parents and his parents.

lifeinthehills · 20/12/2022 07:17

poefaced · 20/12/2022 07:17

So from your other thread it sounds like you both live at home with parents and you spend every night with each other at your houses.

I think that’s probably too much for your parents and his parents.

If that's so, maybe OP's parents are coming to terms with the upcoming loss of sleep and impact on their homes and lives if the living arrangement continues?

Pipsquiggle · 20/12/2022 07:18

@Fuwari I agree with what you're saying.

I grew up in one of the poorest /deprived boroughs in the UK. Many parents had very different aspirations for their DC to what they had.

'Getting out' - physically out of the town was one of the ways to better their prospects. The most common way was education, then college /uni. The other way was doing a job abroad - a season in Tenerife or something like that. Usually it had the effect of 'I don't want to spend my life in that shitty town and I need to get out'

GnomeDePlume · 20/12/2022 07:18

My DMiL didn't want to talk about pregnancy or look at scan pictures at all until the baby was safely arrived. She didn't stop others talking just didn't join in the conversation.

She had her reasons which I respected.

felulageller · 20/12/2022 07:23

They'll likely be crossing their fingers you have a miscarriage or abortion.

If you continue with this pregnancy are you going to be happy when your 18yo tells you you're going to be a 36 yo granny?

MelchiorsMistress · 20/12/2022 07:25

Their son is only 19, what is there for them to be happy about? In your in laws position my concerns would be how my son is going to finish education if he hadn’t already, how he’s going to provide for himself never mind a baby, where are you going to live, are you going to go back to work or is this baby going to be brought up on benefits and only one teenagers pay?

After some reassurance about the basics then there will be time for happiness and congratulations. But tbh the fact that you can’t see that there is a lot to worry about before being happy shows that they are right to be concerned about your maturity going into this.