Partners family not acknowledging my pregnancy ?

[girlshelpxx]

Hiya everyone, I want to know AIBU or do I have the right to feel upset? I’m currently 7 weeks pregnant (very early I know) It's our first baby and we are so excited. A few people already know including his family, they have known since I was 4 weeks ( we can't keep our mouths shut 🤣 ) he told them when I wasn't there , which I preferred tbh because we didn't know how they would react, I was told they reacted quiet well and they are happy. The few people that know gave me big hugs and congratulated me, except his family... I have seen them multiple times since them knowing and they haven't said anything to me, as if nothing is happening, me and his family have a good relationship and we talk all of the time, I just feel upset that they haven't acknowledged it ? is this normal for me to feel? when I say his family I mean his parents and his older sister who is 30! I see them most days during the week and I feel as if things are awkward because they won't mention it, I don't understand why they won't ? I did mention to my partner why they haven't said anything and he said "what are they supposed to say" which annoyed me because my parents give my partner a hug and congratulated us together , AIBU? xx

They're probably also concerned about the very real cost of living crisis and concerned that they are going to have to fund your child. Let's be real, I've never met any 18 year olds who aren't at university who live outside the parental home. Does your 19 year old partner earn enough to feed, clothe and keep you and your baby warm? These are all very real concerns that they may have! I would struggle to afford a baby now (over 10 years older than you) as everything is so bloody expensive which is why my partner and I don't have one yet! I understand and respect its the decision you both have made and wish you luck but please try and see it from their perspective.

I imagine they are devastated. How are you and your boyfriend planning on supporting this child? What do your parents think?

Didn't bother my mother. 😁

AIBU is not the place to post about being a young parent OP. It’s very much frowned on here.

tbh though, you are young and his parents are probably getting their heads around it. That’s not to say they won’t get their heads around it and embrace their new grandchild, but the news will probably take some getting used to.

I got pregnant at 18. Tbh I’d already been living on my own for a year and felt in my self like an adult. I never needed any special support, financial or emotional due to being young and just cracked on. Brought a house at 20 blah blah blah. I’ve never really been one to make a fuss about an 18 year old adult becoming a parent.

but dd1 is now 18 and for her it would be a disaster. She’s very different to how I was, she has far more career aspirations than I did at her age (though I did do a degree for a career as an adult), but at the same time is still child like in a way I wasn’t at her age. It’s also much harder now for young people to afford to move out and live independently.

I’m sure you can see why they might have concerns and so feel awkward about bringing it up. That’s not to say they won’t come round and be excited, you’ll just have to give it time. Good luck to you both.

All the 18-22 yos I've known to have babies have relied heavily on family support, and the system has become harder for them to operate independently than easier. Wages are low. Living costs high. Student finance inadequate. Constantly applying for "extenuating curcumstances" on studies. Renting can be impossible as you're well out of the family home financial league, but student accommodation isn't appropriate.

Few parents will be thrilled with such news because the choice is to let their barely adult child struggle, or to take on a massive load of responsibility that they thought was behind them... often at a point where their parents are aging and require more care.

Add to that it's very early days, and too early for excitement even in more auspicious circumstances.

I can't think of any of these very young parents where the couple stayed together long enough for the child to start at school. Most broke up in the first year- if they even got that far.

My goodness, this is hardly some searing insight: it’s the point many of us are trying to make.

Many people want a great deal more than settling for domesticity at 18. It really sucks if that’s all you want for yourself. Clearly it’s all the OP wants for herself.

Don’t be surprised when other family members are not exactly delighted.

Welcome to the world of outside your insular bubble.

If you want to help improve the relationship with them perhaps you could chat to them about your jobs and stuff so they can see you're both able to support yourselves and a baby and pay your rent.

Was the baby planned? Are you both in higher education or further training? I think those things would worry me if I were your or your boyfriend’s parents. They’re probably still processing things. And at 8 weeks it’s still very early.

Yes I think people know a lot of people don't do that. Doesn't mean the parents don't hope they had pushed and tried for careers or established themselves in a job before settling down. Even if "travelling the world" is limited to going to a gig in a different city or going on a budget holiday somewhere maybe they had hoped their child would "live a little" before settling down. Met lots of people etc.

I would be disappointed if my 19 year olds gf was pregnant.
I would however support them in finding a house , it doesn't sound like you have a home together at the moment.
I would also find it strange you never told them of your pregnancy as a couple, almost like your worried about there reaction.
I've made it clear to my DD who lives at home with her BF that should they decide to have children they would need to move out . My view is they should be there own family unit , live independently and financially support themselves.
I'm sure yours and his parents are concerned over your living arrangements once the baby is born , with rents / mortgage/cost of living so high at the moment and how you will manage finances.

We don't know what their lives would have been like without a pregnancy but we know the restrictions a baby can put on life. I think that is the point.

Exactly!

The fact the ILs aren’t dancing a jig suggests they had slightly higher hopes for their son. As most people do.

Maybe ask them if they want to go out for a festive coffee or something and ask if they have any concerns they'd like to lay on the table - get it out the way. You can talk them through your salary and budget and how you've planned to afford housing etc. They will probably feel a bit more relaxed then.

This.

If this were my son or daughter I would see no reason to celebrate to be honest. And I would be concerned about being expected to provide huge amounts of childcare, finances and probably a home. If my mind we were set at rest about all of these things then I would feel a lot more assured.

And 7 weeks! It is so early to tell people.

Have either of you mentioned it since? If not they may have thought you have miscarried or had a termination being too young.

Yeah this. Its different with your family, you're the pregnant one. If my brother told me his girlfriend was 4 weeks pregnant I would assume she didn't know I knew and keep quiet until she told me.

They’re probably horrified at how young you both are. Give them time.

It looks like the OP has been TTC for months and months, doesn’t like being away from her bf or him going out without her. This baby is being born into a complete shit show.

Sounds like they feel conflicted about the news OP. It is very much early days. My DS is the same age as your partner and I wouldn't be thrilled. You both are obviously excited but they will probably be aware of how life changing a baby will be and that their son will not have the life they envisaged. Give them time

@girlshelpxx

Maybe ask for this post to be moved to another board - on AIBU you will always get blunt feedback.

You are young OP, your 'in laws' are probably processing. If you are continuing with the pregnancy be really explicit with them about how you are both going to provide and care for your baby. This will probably reassure them more.

I’m afraid I echo @HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce sentiments. I became a parent at 30 and, even then with a DH, supportive husband, career and own home, it was hard! A baby isn’t a baby for long - they grow and so do their needs and the expenses that come along with having children. They are expensive and they are 100% your responsibility. If my DD / DS got pregnant / got someone pregnant so young, I would of course support them but I would be disappointed that their dreams of travel / adventure / whatever it may be would likely have to be put off for years.

Maybe she's using the app? It doesn't support voting.

Has he definitely told them? Maybe he chickened out and didn’t tell them.

They are probably concerned about how you will both support the baby and the impact on them, financially and in practical terms. Unless you both have good well paid jobs and are living independently as a couple their concern is not surprising.

I became a parent at 19 and I didn't find it hard. I would find it hard now in my 40s. I just don't have the same ability to cope with the long broken nights and minimal sleep. At least when I was 19 I could run around and climb around with them - even when pregnant, all with no sleep the night before. What I wouldn't give for half that energy now!