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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No help from grandparents

165 replies

misspattycake · 19/12/2022 20:30

When I was pregnant both my MIL and my Parents said not to worry about babysitting and how much they wanted to help and yet my baby is almost two now and neither have helped except for 2 hours when she was 6 months old. I'm a sahm and it makes me feel really sad that they never want or offer to help ever. I have nobody else I can ask to watch him. Both my DH and I have begged our parents for just an hour or so to go on a date or to get things done as I feel like I'm drowning in things to get done but I'm never able. This means we have never been able to be alone together since he was born except when he's asleep (and he's been a terrible sleeper). Aibu to feel really resentful especially when they ask us to do things to help them or for us to go out of our way for them or they make passive aggressive comments about not seeing the baby enough but then expect me to do all the childcare and running after the baby when we are with them. I feel like yes it was our choice to have a child but I can't ever imagine not helping our child when they are a parent if they needed a break or were really struggling. These are all healthy 50-60 year olds and I've never asked for more than an hour or so and definitely not regular childcare.

OP posts:

Bananarama21 · 19/12/2022 20:33

Your a sahm what childcare do you need? Get a babysitter if you want to go out on a date like everyone else.

Allthingsbrightandugly · 19/12/2022 20:34

Plenty of people don’t have bay family to help

have they told you why they don’t want to help? Seems weird you’d beg and they’d not respond with a reason why

Wanderingoff · 19/12/2022 20:35

Hire a babysitter

not their fault you haven’t had a date night

Pantsinthewash · 19/12/2022 20:37

I can understand how you feel OP.

twatmas · 19/12/2022 20:37

You've said yourself they're terrible sleepers.

You're a SAHM, in what ways are you drowning, isn't he in some sort of nursery or child care?

Could you not hire a babysitter, do you not have any friends that you can ask?

In the real world most GPs would offer. But if they're not fit and up and about, looking after a terrible sleeping toddler isn't going to be for them.

user1471457751 · 19/12/2022 20:38

Stop going out of your way to help them with things if they never return the favour. Sure they don't owe you babysitting but that works both ways. It's supposed to be give and take and right now they are just taking.

NoAlexa · 19/12/2022 20:39

Hire a babysitter

Dancingdragonhiddentiger · 19/12/2022 20:39

Ignore the ‘I had it hard and so everyone else should be miserable too’ brigade. I’d be sad in your shoes too. My family and in laws aren’t local but will have the kids for a few nights once or twice a year which makes a huge difference to having a healthy marriage and being able to go to work conferences now I’m working again. Honestly being a SAHM was so tough without a regular break and I always try to offer a bit of support to any SAHM if I can. Working with school age children is an absolute breeze (even with one SEN child) compared to the relentlessness of caring soley for babies and toddlers.

SeasonFinale · 19/12/2022 20:40

The weirdest part is you complaining you have to look after your own child when they visit or you visit them. You are the parent. Have you not seen all the MN posts about grandparents taking over?

Yes it would be nice if they could babysit so you could enjoy a night out but again that is their choice. My parents live abroad and DH'S a long way away so we used to swap with friends. Have you any where you could do the same?

Hercisback · 19/12/2022 20:42

I'd be sad in your shoes. Do they see him?

Presumably at 3 you'll get his nursery hours but it can see a long time til then.

Have you asked them why they won't look after him?

CookieDoughKid · 19/12/2022 20:45

I understand how you feel. My inlaws as well as my parents have never offered or seemed willing. Actually my inlaws said they didn't feel they were in a position to babysit despite being healthy and active. I think my mil babysat one evening, just the once so I give her that. Now we are grateful to have healthy loving grandparents. They love in their own way. But it was a factor in us moving away. We didn't hesitate tbh, they are not involved in our or grandchildrens lives and vice versa. In your position, I would pay for a few hours childcare of you could and reset your expectations.

Dacadactyl · 19/12/2022 20:46

My parents live hundreds of miles away and until my youngest was 6 my in laws lived abroad. We had no one to help us and it was HARD. I was a SAHM too, so no nursery or childcare for the kids. I empathise completely.

Do your parents know you're struggling with the kids? That your relationship is suffering with no time together? I'd tell them outright.

My in laws wouldn't look after our son for 3 hours a WEEK after school. I was fuming about it at the time.

I hope they help you a little bit once you confide in them.

CookieDoughKid · 19/12/2022 20:47

Just because they are grandparents doesn't make them good grandparents. They are just people. My fil and mil are not maternal and aren't bothered if we visit once a year or once every two years. It's just they way they are. Now yours may be different but if you look at then like them as people rather than grandparents, the two might be quite different in terms of expectations....sorry I'm waffling but hope I've not lost you!

RandyMandyy · 19/12/2022 20:48

I second the suggestion of a friend/group of friends to swap babysitting services.

But YANBU, I can't imagine watching my adult children struggle and not helping, I think that's really sad. And yes SAHMs need a break too, ignore some of these comments.

If they ask for a favour, how about, "oh yes, if you could mind DC betw 7-9pm on Tues so I can do XYZ? No? Oh sorry, well maybe another time". End of convo. Don't do favours for people who never return them.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 19/12/2022 20:49

Yanbu

tunthebloodyalarmoff · 19/12/2022 20:50

I would think they were very selfish Fair enough they don't want to commit to a full day but to help out now and then ? Why not ! I think it would change the way I saw them

Comedycook · 19/12/2022 20:51

My parents are dead and my mil is utterly useless so I never had grandparent help. Anyway, regardless, I completely am on your side op. If they're healthy, available, local and said they'd help, then I think it's shitty they don't. I think full time childcare while you worked or looking after for long periods might be a big ask, but a couple of hours in the day or babysitting while you and your dh go for dinner isn't a big ask

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 19/12/2022 20:51

Honestly I think this is a fairly common gripe.
if I were you I’d accept that they don’t want to babysit. If they wanted to they would be doing it already. Stop doing so many favours for them if you have too Much to do already. Maybe look into some alternative options (eg childcare swop with a friend or hiring a regular sitter).

my parents were the same. Went on at me for years saying they wanted Grandkids and how they’d look after them while I work. They do help a little but we’re absolutely useless when mine were small. Even when I was very unwell with mastitis.

Daughtersandbristolian · 19/12/2022 20:53

I understand OP, there’s lots of us in the same boat. We always feel like they are doing us a favour or make comments / no effort at all, but expect to come and be involved with family events as nose out of joint then! Try and find a local babysitter we have a girl who comes back from Uni we use her occasionally. Same advice as others really, also set your boundaries and do not let them part of special moments etc. It is not a one way street!

Lifeisrelentless · 19/12/2022 20:53

It is a shame when they don’t seem to want to help. Ignore comments about “your children your responsibility etc” yes of course they are but it’s still nice to get a bit of help once in a while, and it’s nice when grandparents want to spend time with their grandchildren alone! I used to love weekends at my nans house when I was younger. I can’t imagine not helping out when I’m a nan one day. My parents are utterly useless and I wouldn’t trust them with my children anyway, luckily my parents in law are better- we don’t ask them often at all but they’re happy to do the odd evening or night if it’s a wedding etc and it really helps give us a break and have a bit of time as a married couple.

LaPufalina · 19/12/2022 20:56

Can you offer a babysitting slot with a caveat of "no worries if not, we'll ask X to do it?"

Purplechicken207 · 19/12/2022 20:59

While I understand (and I have a baby and a toddler at home, I absolutely know how it is) they have raised their children, this is your turn. Yes it would be nice if they helped out, but you are the parents. It's up to you to figure it out.
We've only left ours while birthing the 2nd, and a couple times after they're in bed someone else has sat home with the baby monitors while we've popped out for 2 hours for a quick dinner together. In over 3 years. This is just how it is for a lot of people. Once the youngest is a bit less reliant (breastfed) we'll get a babysitter for once they're in bed one night, and have a more leisurely evening out together. Until then we have little dates at home, film and popcorn, board games and drinks etc. Quick tip, once yours starts nursery/preschool you may find some of the staff happy to pick up extra money doing a few hours babysitting - and it'll be someone he knows. We're hoping for the same next year. Our oldest has been at nursery a couple days a week while we've had the baby home too, it's a bit of a break for me and she's blossomed being able to play with others regularly - I really recommend it. She moves to preschool attached to the local school very soon, much cheaper and hopefully she'll make friends who'll be with her at school too

heartbroken22 · 19/12/2022 20:59

@Bananarama21 wtf is wrong with you. Everyone needs a break from their kids. Why cant the grandparents help especially if they're moaning they see their granddaughter very less.

GiltEdges · 19/12/2022 21:00

Echoing the PPs who asked, if you’re a SAHM then what are you struggling to stay on top of?

DH and I both work full time. Zero family help since DS was born. When we want/need childcare, we pay for it. We still successfully manage a home and some semblance of a social life without much difficulty.

Mumof1andacat · 19/12/2022 21:05

Hire a baby sitter or start the child going to nursery. Most nurseries will do a minimum of 2 days. Maybe 2 days of 9am-3pm could work.

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