No help from grandparents

[misspattycake]

When I was pregnant both my MIL and my Parents said not to worry about babysitting and how much they wanted to help and yet my baby is almost two now and neither have helped except for 2 hours when she was 6 months old. I'm a sahm and it makes me feel really sad that they never want or offer to help ever. I have nobody else I can ask to watch him. Both my DH and I have begged our parents for just an hour or so to go on a date or to get things done as I feel like I'm drowning in things to get done but I'm never able. This means we have never been able to be alone together since he was born except when he's asleep (and he's been a terrible sleeper). Aibu to feel really resentful especially when they ask us to do things to help them or for us to go out of our way for them or they make passive aggressive comments about not seeing the baby enough but then expect me to do all the childcare and running after the baby when we are with them. I feel like yes it was our choice to have a child but I can't ever imagine not helping our child when they are a parent if they needed a break or were really struggling. These are all healthy 50-60 year olds and I've never asked for more than an hour or so and definitely not regular childcare.

Presuming you have given them enough notice, and asked them specifically if they would babysit on X date for Y hours ???
If not, then that's what you need to do.

If yes, and they have said no they don't want to (rather than, sorry, can't on Friday but could do Saturday if you want? type response) then ask about for recommendations for a babysitter, and book someone.

Though there is no expectation for childcare, I do think it isn't unreasonable for relatively young, and healthy local grandparents to not ever sit for their dc for short lengths of time.

I think it’s a real shame they sounded so keen, got your hopes up, now you really need a break and they won’t help. If they’d said from the start there was no chance then it would have felt fairly different. Plus then moaning about not seeing DC? It’s all a bit unnecessary, especially when you’re shattered.

It gets a bit better when they (eventually) sleep more. I was a SAHM until DD was nearly 3, and from 15m I had her in nursery 3 mornings a week. I had no family close by that could help and it was the only way for me to stay sane. I appreciate that’s not feasible for everyone though.

I have my grandchild, whenever my daughter asks me to. Yes, it's hard work, especially as I work full time/study/have other kids. But that's my grandchild and I wouldn't ever say no (without v good reason). Plus, they have the best sense of humour and make me instantly feel better!

Op i can never imagine not helping ds and furtive dil out with childcare. My in laws only wanted to see ds as long as I was there and I stopped bothering after a while. I mean why should I pack stuff, drive hours, potentially miss a nap which means cranky ds so that they can enjoy him whilst mummy showysnowy can continue with the nanny work at a home which was far too dangerous for a small child to stay in which meant I had to watch him like a hawk whereas in my own home, I had more relaxation time as the place was baby proofed and could enjoy a cup of coffee when baby played in his play pen without all that effort. When they came around to mine, again they would expect breakfast, lunch and dinner and on top of that for me to entertain them until DH got back from work. My parents would always come around with cooked food, offer to do stuff and would order whatever baby proof stuff I have in my own house so that they can make their own house safe for ds including toys that he might play with. They would always initiate a date night for me and dh and would look after ds. Last year my in laws got annoyed that I refused a free holiday and went with my parents and I wonder why that was?

You need to look into babysitters and use them every Friday evening for instance so you and dh can go out for a meal alone and also don't go out of your way to help them, remember if it's too much for them to help you out, it's also too much for you and your dc to interrupt your life for them.

so sorry OP. My in-laws have our baby one night a month overnight and will be doing 3 days a week childcare. They absolutely adore our little one and have pictures of her up everywhere and spoil her rotten since birth.

my mother on the other hand… a different story. She’ll tell the world how much she loves her grandkids yet she doesn’t babysit any of them and can go months without seeing them. My brother lives 15minutes away and unless he and his wife make the effort she doesn’t bother. But this is the same woman who spent our entire childhoods going on about how she can’t wait to have grandkids and will help her kids out as her parents didn’t help her.
She now treats the grandkids like distant relatives!!

it’s bizarre it really is. If it wasn’t for my MIL I wouldn’t have survived the first 3 months. My mum on the other hand, total opposite.

I don’t understand it.

Granny here. I am totally on your side . Parents of young children really benefit from time alone when the children are cared for by someone they know and trust. Perhaps try talking to your mum? Or partner speak to his mum?

When you say you've "begged" what was their response? Why will they not help you?
I'm on your side OP. They sound shit.

My sons one paternal Grandparent has visited twice in his 2 months of life (doesn't live far just not bothered), both maternal ones are addicts and couldn't be left with a baby.

I can understand you feeling upset as I find it hard seeing friends get a night off each week, free daytime childcare or school pickups. But some parents are worse off than you.

@Muddlingthroughthis wow your in-laws will be saving you over £700 a month childcare!!! You are very lucky indeed.

@Babooshka1990 i know and I am so so grateful to them. They are the grandparents every child deserves. Granddad always has sweets in his pocket and story books to read when their other older grandkids visit and nanna is always baking or pottering in the garden.

We did plan on nursery when announcing the pregnancy but they were horrified when they were both retired and more than willing. They’re very hands on, even when I was pregnant.

My mother envisioned she’d be similar I think but is the complete opposite and even cancels last minute any babysitting she’d agreed to with my brother and his wife. They don’t bother to ask anymore. My sister in-law desperately needed her to do one afternoon childcare once when she worked and her mum became poorly. My mum agreed to it but my goodness we didn’t hear the end of it! The grandkids are always shy at first around my mum because they hardly see her.

In contrast my in-laws wanted to have my baby the night before I did a KIT day at work as well as the entire day of, so they could have a full day out with baby and no worries about times, pick ups/drop offs.

Don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t expect the level of support my in-laws fortunately give to us be ‘the norm’, but the love and interest they give should be.

My mums not seen my baby in months yet has my baby as them as her screensaver to show off as if they are close. She’s not seen her other grandkids who live 15 mins away in 2 months.

I can’t get my head around it as she was so adamant she wanted to be a hands on grandmother and kept asking us all when we’d be having kids. So it’s really odd she’d rather watch Netflix than spend anytime with her long anticipated grandchildren.

It seems common on mumsnet though for grandparents to be more my mums way than my in-laws and I really don’t get it.

I’m having a family of my own knowing there’s a likeliness there will be more generations. I can’t imagine my kids getting to 18 and being like ‘well that’s it then. Bye’ and washing my hands of all responsibility to any future generations that I decided to start. In my opinion a part of having a family of your own is knowing there is a high probability of grandchildren and that your children will always be a big part of your life until the day you die which extends to future generations. You can’t have kids and then just ‘opt out’ of any responsibilities after their 18th birthday.

But I know that’s an unpopular opinion on here.

We have had zero help bringing up our 4DC, after a while you just accept it. I was a SAHM for 11 years then went back to uni and have a new career. Now my DC are all old enough DH and I actually get to go out for a meal together.

I think it's really mean of them ( I'm in their age group).
You're only asking for an hour for you and your husband to have a break, not dumping them for a weekend.
Sorry you got the dud grandparents OP.
Mine were older, in their 70s but still did a bit here and there. 2 hours was their maximum and we never pushed it or asked too much.

I think it's sad that they have decided not to be more involved. That's their loss. I actually relocated 160 miles so I could help out with my grandchildren (the local ones were older and no longer needed the school pickups, babysitting etc). You can't make them, it is such a shame though as close, loving relationships can be formed.

We only ever had help if we were at work & I think that's quite common. Not many couples can go out together when they have a baby.

I also picked up on the fact that you’re complaining that you have to look after your child when you visit them. That’s normal, why would you expect not to look after your child when you’re visiting someone? A child’s relationship with grandparents shouldn’t depend on them doing you a favour and babysitting. An unsettled terrible sleeper of a one year old probably isn’t an attractive prospect, they may well feel unable to meet their needs until they’re a bit older.

If someone has a baby at age 25 and that child has a baby at age 25, the grandparent would only be 50. They’d only retire when the baby was in its mid-teens, at which point it wouldn’t need any baby-sitting.

Even working grandparents should be able to sacrifice a Friday evening or 2 a year to babysit. It's a choice not to.

Even when those grandparents live well over 220 miles away, door to door four-five hours, depending on train connections, as both mine and DH’s parents did?

I mean it's still possible, and not really that big of an ask. My own parents pissed off to "retire" in Cornwall when I was 19 and have never ever babysat. They could choose to watch the kids for a couple of hours during visits, but they don't.
They don't want to and aren't interested, but it is very much a choice.

Those people who can watch their adult children struggle when they could help are not nice people.
It's that simple.
So they won't be expecting help from you when they are older will they?
Lots of posters on this app have no conception of what family is op. I feel for you.

SAHM and drowning! How!??

Maybe she wants a night out jazz
How shocking and unreasonable.

But it’s definitely not possible to babysit if it means travelling four-five hours on a Friday night after a full week at work. They’d arrive after 10pm.

Ok fine, then I'd happily take a Saturday afternoon. They could also babysit when we visit them, so no traveling to use as an excuse.
My oldest is 6, are you seriously telling me working people don't have a few hours in 6 years to spare?

You should never expect free childcare but if they said they would and didn’t that’s really shit.