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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No help from grandparents

165 replies

misspattycake · 19/12/2022 20:30

When I was pregnant both my MIL and my Parents said not to worry about babysitting and how much they wanted to help and yet my baby is almost two now and neither have helped except for 2 hours when she was 6 months old. I'm a sahm and it makes me feel really sad that they never want or offer to help ever. I have nobody else I can ask to watch him. Both my DH and I have begged our parents for just an hour or so to go on a date or to get things done as I feel like I'm drowning in things to get done but I'm never able. This means we have never been able to be alone together since he was born except when he's asleep (and he's been a terrible sleeper). Aibu to feel really resentful especially when they ask us to do things to help them or for us to go out of our way for them or they make passive aggressive comments about not seeing the baby enough but then expect me to do all the childcare and running after the baby when we are with them. I feel like yes it was our choice to have a child but I can't ever imagine not helping our child when they are a parent if they needed a break or were really struggling. These are all healthy 50-60 year olds and I've never asked for more than an hour or so and definitely not regular childcare.

OP posts:
pinkfondu · 20/12/2022 10:57

Even sham need to do things kids can't or shouldn't be taken too. I remember having to take my dc in their pushchair for my internal to check my mc was complete.

Op stop being so available to them. Or invite them round and then just Bob off and do jobs.

MrsKeats · 20/12/2022 11:10

It's a 'sacrifice' to look after your own grandchildren.
Do people not like their own families at all?
Very sad.

FrodisCapering · 20/12/2022 11:18

Being a sahm mum is hard.
Not everyone is comfortable with strangers babysitting.
Children put a huge strain on relationships.
I am sorry you're going through this. It's especially difficult when you see the amount of help some people get.
There are some unbelievably harsh responses on here

Squamata · 20/12/2022 11:51

Actually they're not boomers if they're 50-60, are they? That's Gen X I think.

What do they say when you ask them to babysit?

What do they say when you tell them you're struggling?

What happened on the one occasion someone did babysit?

What do you say when they say they don't see enough of the GC?

What do you say when they ask you to do things for them?

Is there anything about your DC that makes him more challenging to care for, disabilities or high needs etc? Or is your approach particular in any way, like being super attachment parenty or anything?

I'd sit down with them and have a discussion about it. Start with them taking DC for a walk in the pram round the block or something. See how it goes. Don't make big demands to start out with.

crimbocountdown · 20/12/2022 11:53

I have twins - offers of babysitting disappeared in the wind pretty quick when they knew there was 2 of them I can tell you 😂
I don't expect anything though. They still have their own lives and whilst it's not something I can imagine myself doing when I reach their age and am hopefully luckily enough to have grandchildren I can't force them

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/12/2022 11:55

I think for dates and getting some time together, paying a babysitter is the way to go.

i do think it’s odd that they don’t pitch in with looking after/ entertaining the baby/ toddler when you’re all together- I disagree with the pp who said this was your least reasonable complaint. I think it’s only natural when families are together for everyone to take part in this, and for the mum to get some time to sit down - although I also question why your DH isn’t doing an equal share when he’s there?

Also with your “to do” list - can’t you do it whilst DH is home, and he looks after the baby?

TarasHarp55 · 20/12/2022 12:00

Their loss, you can return their "kindness" when they're older and need your help.

Kolakalia · 20/12/2022 12:02

Honestly, I would never expect anyone to care for my child other than their other parent. If someone offered, lovely, very kind. But to expect them to babysit your child is a bit entitled, they don't owe you it.

AzerJoon · 20/12/2022 12:04

I have a 4.5 year old and 20 month old.

I know exactly how you feel. Not one parent has offered help. I've had cervical examinations with a toddler on my stomach at one point because no/one could look after her and my husband was at work.

I've been suffering with tooth infections and wisdom tooth surgery recovery and my mum could hear my daughter whining and being difficult but couldn't just come round to my house and help for a hour or so.

Just remember when they need something.

It sucks.

Squamata · 20/12/2022 12:11

Kolakalia · 20/12/2022 12:02

Honestly, I would never expect anyone to care for my child other than their other parent. If someone offered, lovely, very kind. But to expect them to babysit your child is a bit entitled, they don't owe you it.

I don't think it's entitled at all @Kolakalia. Expecting entire days on a regular basis, overnights etc - that might be a bit much.

Expecting someone to take the baby off your hands for a bit when you visit so you can drink a cup of tea? Thinking someone might be willing to sit with your 2yr old and watch Peppa Pig for an hour so you can go out by yourself for a coffee? Not excessive at all.

If you're in a loving relationship with a family member, you do what you can to help them. You don't watch them struggle and just shrug your shoulders. Especially when you're only in your 50s and in good health. That to me would be a statement that the person didn't care about the relationship. Not to mention the joy that building a bond with a GC can bring. Plus, both sides said they'd help before the baby was born. So what happened?

It's like if your relative had an operation or something and couldn't get to the shops. You don't owe them help. But you'd be a heartless shit if it was within your power to help and you just didn't bother.

Krakenwakes · 20/12/2022 12:16

Squamata · 20/12/2022 10:00

I think it's a boomer mentality tbh. They see themselves as eternally young and so why would they do the granny routine? Massive generalisation but I think there's something in it. I think it's OTT to expect regular weekly childcare but the odd hour or two is hardly excessive.

I would be absolutely aggrieved if GP were uninterested in GC to that point. And I get what you say about them not helping when you're there - I remember DC being toddling age and wanting to walk round holding a finger or hands the whole time, or be carried about to look at things. Visiting IL, neither PIL or DIL and SIL would bother, they'd sit and watch us walk them around and around and around when I would really have liked to sit and drink tea for two minutes. Not long, just a few minutes. It's a bit better now DC are older and can read books with them etc but they've still never had sole charge of them.

I think younger generations have more of an idea of people being interconnected and less individualistic, whether it's through the housing market being screwed or whatever. Of course your kids are your responsibility, but if you have a family there should be some attempt to provide support otherwise those family bonds are meaningless. With the way finances are going, it's increasingly not actually possible to have kids without family support. The single salary and a SAHM that boomers had is not viable in most of the country.

TBH I would be bearing it in mind in future years when they start saying they need help getting to doctors appointments and fixing their gutters etc.

They aren’t Boomers! They’re the younger generation themselves, with all the stresses that might bring - no pensions, having to work much longer than expected, both working full time, possibly caring for their own elderly parents, and maybe their own children too. This is not the era of young retirees swanning around doing their hobbies on a nice disposal income.

Nsenene · 20/12/2022 12:34

Krakenwakes · 20/12/2022 12:16

They aren’t Boomers! They’re the younger generation themselves, with all the stresses that might bring - no pensions, having to work much longer than expected, both working full time, possibly caring for their own elderly parents, and maybe their own children too. This is not the era of young retirees swanning around doing their hobbies on a nice disposal income.

Show quote history

Nonsense. Nobody is so busy they can't spare a few hours a year for their kids.
They don't want to, not can't, and should just own it.

Radio9998 · 20/12/2022 12:38

Omg I feel you, OP. My parents are abroad and cannot travel right now, my parents in law offer zero help and ALL the complaints about how they do not see their grandchild. They live 1.5 hours away but can they come over? Nooo, it is too hard. We now have a babysitter every other weekend more or less (through Bubble app) and just go on a local pub crawl for three hours. And see parents in law four times a year. Good luck, I hear it gets easier!! Definitely do not feel guilty getting help and some you time. And maybe once your son is older it would be easier to arrange family days out to museums / zoos / etc - definitely do not destroy any relationships but think about your sanity a bit too.

Mary46 · 20/12/2022 12:50

Op I feel for you. Same for us. We reared our own... I do think the odd night out and bit of help is not asking for much. Your parents are young too. I used envy a school mam had loads help. Its hard alright.

Soothsayer1 · 20/12/2022 14:14

TarasHarp55 · 20/12/2022 12:00

Their loss, you can return their "kindness" when they're older and need your help.

This, they liked the idea of it, they wanted to score points with you by portraying themselves as the perfect grandparents but when it came down to it it was all too much hassle and they decided not to bother.
If they need any help from you then you can do the same 🙂

LolaSmiles · 20/12/2022 15:04

Honestly, I would never expect anyone to care for my child other than their other parent. If someone offered, lovely, very kind. But to expect them to babysit your child is a bit entitled, they don't owe you it.
Nobody owes anyone free childcare, but it's a bit rubbish and mean-spirited to spend months telling your child and their partner that you're looking forward to baby arriving, you can't wait to be involved, you are happy to babysit so the couple don't need to worry about babysitters and then go back on all of it, barely being involved, not even watching the baby for a short time so Mum can have a cuppa, and then complaining about not seeing baby enough.

sunshinerainstorm · 20/12/2022 15:42

To them snipey fuckers who cant understand how a stay at home could be drowning.
Presumably you have a lunch hour from your job or a break on the way to and from work, see other people at work, get a nice hot drink. being a stay at home parent is a job and everyone is entitled to a fucking break, seriously.

Honestly I never understand the working people who think parenting is so hard when they pick their child up from nursery at 6pm after they've had there tea and all they do is bath them and put them to bed so I guess we all have our own opinions 😂 two can play that game 👍🏻

Back to the point it's sad when grandparents promise the world and don't follow through. I could never be so selfish to my own children I would want to help them in any way I could.

Hobbitfeet32 · 20/12/2022 15:57

@sunshinerainstorm hilarious!
One more time for the people at the back Sahp’s can have a break-you just have to pay for it like the working parents tend to do!

AllOfThemWitches · 20/12/2022 16:01

Being a sahm mum is hard.

Hahahahahahaha

inthedeepshade · 20/12/2022 16:05

My parents and DH's parents are the same. They both live about 20 mins drive away yet neither has ever looked after my DC, who are now 4 and 1. In my DF's words, "been there, done that, got the T shirt".

Despite my parents badgering me for years to give them grandchildren, I never expected tons of help and I do "just hire a babysitter" from time to time. But it still feels pretty shit that out of all 4 living grandparents, not one is interested in helping us or spending time with the DC. You are not alone OP.

AllOfThemWitches · 20/12/2022 16:07

To them snipey fuckers who cant understand how a stay at home could be drowning.
Presumably you have a lunch hour from your job or a break on the way to and from work, see other people at work, get a nice hot drink. being a stay at home parent is a job and everyone is entitled to a fucking break, seriously.

They could get a job?

Saynow · 20/12/2022 16:16

I agree OP, it’s hard to watch your children have absent useless grandparents. I honestly don’t understand how a couple who have raised two children can have such little interest in their own family. It’s sad and we are in the same boat with our in laws. They seem to only come over when DD is at school and always make very odd comments. It’s their loss and I honestly can’t imagine being an absent grandparent if I’m ever blessed in the future. I was never someone that was particularly interested in children but surely your own family is different? Their loss and they’ll reap what they sow when they’re elderly and infirm. We will not be at their beck and call.

hiredandsqueak · 20/12/2022 16:48

As a granny who provides childcare as well as being fully involved in dgs's life I don't think it's unreasonable for grandparents not to want to babysit or do childcare tbh. I help dd because she works and needs my help to care for dgs outside of his pre school hours. It's hard work and if I'm honest I'd rather be the Granny who saw him for visits with dd at the weekend instead. I'd be looking for a babysitter and getting him used to that before he's much older, I used Sitters when mine were small.

Pollyputthekettleonha · 20/12/2022 16:57

If they offered to help you when you were expecting and now don't , then YANBU, and this is a bit shitty of them. I think you should stop helping them out when they ask though.
I don't understand some of these comments. Occasional baby sitting so you can go out with your partner is hardly entitled or asking a lot.
If you have a poor sleeper and are always tired yourself I can understand how you would feel overwhelmed.

Soothsayer1 · 20/12/2022 17:01

inthedeepshade · 20/12/2022 16:05

My parents and DH's parents are the same. They both live about 20 mins drive away yet neither has ever looked after my DC, who are now 4 and 1. In my DF's words, "been there, done that, got the T shirt".

Despite my parents badgering me for years to give them grandchildren, I never expected tons of help and I do "just hire a babysitter" from time to time. But it still feels pretty shit that out of all 4 living grandparents, not one is interested in helping us or spending time with the DC. You are not alone OP.

I would see it as a blessing, when they are elderly you'll be relieved that you dont owe them anything