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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No help from grandparents

165 replies

misspattycake · 19/12/2022 20:30

When I was pregnant both my MIL and my Parents said not to worry about babysitting and how much they wanted to help and yet my baby is almost two now and neither have helped except for 2 hours when she was 6 months old. I'm a sahm and it makes me feel really sad that they never want or offer to help ever. I have nobody else I can ask to watch him. Both my DH and I have begged our parents for just an hour or so to go on a date or to get things done as I feel like I'm drowning in things to get done but I'm never able. This means we have never been able to be alone together since he was born except when he's asleep (and he's been a terrible sleeper). Aibu to feel really resentful especially when they ask us to do things to help them or for us to go out of our way for them or they make passive aggressive comments about not seeing the baby enough but then expect me to do all the childcare and running after the baby when we are with them. I feel like yes it was our choice to have a child but I can't ever imagine not helping our child when they are a parent if they needed a break or were really struggling. These are all healthy 50-60 year olds and I've never asked for more than an hour or so and definitely not regular childcare.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2022 21:07

When you’ve asked them to babysit what reason do they give for saying no?

I think there are a few different issues here. When they make comments about not seeing DC enough they probably mean with you, that’s not related to babysitting.

What would help you with feeling like you’re drowning? Is DH doing enough to pitch in with house and childcare? Can you access paid childcare if you need it?

If you feel they’re asking too much of you in favours then start saying no. That would be okay even if you didn’t feel they should be helping you more but your available time and energy are less now you have DC so just agree with DH you’ll be less available as you feel you’re overstretched as it is.

Dacadactyl · 19/12/2022 21:07

GiltEdges · 19/12/2022 21:00

Echoing the PPs who asked, if you’re a SAHM then what are you struggling to stay on top of?

DH and I both work full time. Zero family help since DS was born. When we want/need childcare, we pay for it. We still successfully manage a home and some semblance of a social life without much difficulty.

Ignore these people who have no idea OP.

rbmilliner · 19/12/2022 21:11

@GiltEdges round of applause for you then🙄

NeedAHoliday2021 · 19/12/2022 21:14

Have you actually articulated what you’d like? If you’re coping or look like you’re coping it’s hard for people to help and understand what you’d like.

LolaSmiles · 19/12/2022 21:18

I understand where you are coming from OP.

Where people have family close by, it's not unusual for there to be reciprocal helping between relatives.

It seems like what they actually want is to see your DC but only when you're present and they can do the easy/fun bits, which is fine and some grandparents prefer that, but it's disappointing after they made a big deal about how much they want to help/wanted to babysit.

If you've got your own things to juggle, stop going out of your way to help them though. They're clearly not interested in a family relationship where everyone helps each other out and are more likely takers.

Tinkerbyebye · 19/12/2022 21:20

Next time they moan remind them of the conversation before he was born, about helping out, baby sitting etc, that you would appreciate some help, but if it’s not forthcoming fair enough I would simply just mention it’s their choice

likewise I wouldn’t be doing anything for them now, they are not elderly and are quite capable

Hobbitfeet32 · 19/12/2022 21:24

It is a bit sad that they don’t want to help. What do they say when you have asked them to babysit?
Re going out though with your husband, use a babysitter. No reason not to have time to go out together just because the grandparents won’t babysit. Or a group of parent friends where you can reciprocate?

Do you not get time alone when your DH looks after the child alone? Also just because you are a SAHM doesn’t mean you can’t use childcare.

Ravenrobin309 · 19/12/2022 21:32

YANBU.

I have a toddler and 8 week old baby. Husband works mega long hours and his parents life 3 doors down yet never see the kids or offer to help.
I've asked my mum to help but she has said no. She does work full time and I understand that but it's frustrating when I hear my gran say how my mums first born slept there all the time and I remember growing up constantly being at my grans. So she had so much help but isn't willing to return the favour.

I'm also trying not to be resentful because they are my kids and I chose to have them.

Just wanted to say I understand where you're coming from.

Dacadactyl · 19/12/2022 21:32

OP, would you feel comfortable using a babysitter?

I know that I would only have used someone I knew VERY well and trusted already. Ideally they would have to have been family.

Is it the same for you? Is a babysitter something you'd feel comfortable with?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/12/2022 21:34

Hire a babysitter and remember this when they are old.

EnolaJ · 19/12/2022 21:35

As if people are actually suggesting being a SAHM means you don't need a break ... honestly!!
Completely with you OP, it's not even just the break why don't they want to bond and spend time with their grandchild? YANBU!!

Skye90 · 19/12/2022 21:36

I completely understand. Our parents don’t give any help and rarely see our children. We have a babysitter who is amazing and gives us a bit of a breather. Everyone is entitled to a break regardless of whether you’re a SAHM or not.

Silvers11 · 19/12/2022 21:36

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2022 21:07

When you’ve asked them to babysit what reason do they give for saying no?

I think there are a few different issues here. When they make comments about not seeing DC enough they probably mean with you, that’s not related to babysitting.

What would help you with feeling like you’re drowning? Is DH doing enough to pitch in with house and childcare? Can you access paid childcare if you need it?

If you feel they’re asking too much of you in favours then start saying no. That would be okay even if you didn’t feel they should be helping you more but your available time and energy are less now you have DC so just agree with DH you’ll be less available as you feel you’re overstretched as it is.

This. Although the statement...... or they make passive aggressive comments about not seeing the baby enough but then expect me to do all the childcare and running after the baby when we are with them. Seems to me is a little telling. That sounds to me like when you do go over to see them you expect to just sit back and let the parents run round looking after the baby and you don't do anything when you are with them? As a Grandparent myself I wouldn't be entirely comfortable with that scenario. At they end of the day the baby is your responsibility. I wonder if this is part of the problem that they think you are trying to opt out and dump things on them? I'm not saying that is the case - but maybe that's how they see it?

Proudofitbabe · 19/12/2022 21:37

I agree it's strange and mean when able, available GPs won't ever help.

You'll get people on here saying "it's YOUR child!! They've RAISED their kids!!!!!!!". Never mind that you're just wanting a couple of hours here or there to get a date in with your husband, or run a couple of errands. Not exactly abandoning the full-time child-rearing, or wrecking anyone's retirement.

My retired ILs never helped, even now the DCs are older and easy. I've never been able to wrap my head around it. But it suits me I won't feel beholden as they age. My advice would be to dial back any running around you do for them. Good relationships are give and take.

frustratedashell · 19/12/2022 21:40

I became a grandma 3 months ago, I can't imagine not helping out. It's an absolute joy! Sorry your in laws etc don't feel the same

DucklingDaisy · 19/12/2022 21:44

I'm a SAHM who has never had any childcare help, there's plenty of us and we manage because we have to, but what seems weird in your case is that they promised to help before the baby was born.

MY MIL explicitly said she'd raised 4 kids and she was done. She's happy to see mine, but she won't take them alone. My parents live 4 hours away.

Ijuststoodonlego · 19/12/2022 21:45

Another one who understands OP.

I've had to pay a sitter. So if you can manage the odd costly date night, that's something.

Not sure what else to suggest. I'd stop doing so many favours for them for a start.

It gets easier as DCs get older (I found under 2s phase so so hard).

echt · 19/12/2022 21:47

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/12/2022 21:34

Hire a babysitter and remember this when they are old.

MN bingo.

And maybe the GPs will cut the OP out their Will for not being helpful.

Krakenwakes · 19/12/2022 21:48

But you’re a SAHP, and surely if the grandparents are all healthy and age 50-60, they will be at work all day. They might not want to babysit after a long day.

dottymac · 19/12/2022 21:50

Welcome to the world of not having a soul to rely on. It bloody sucks but do yourself a favour and just accept it asap. It took me a while but the sooner you do, the better for your mental health so you stop wasting your time and energy on it. 🤷

DucklingDaisy · 19/12/2022 21:53

Krakenwakes · 19/12/2022 21:48

But you’re a SAHP, and surely if the grandparents are all healthy and age 50-60, they will be at work all day. They might not want to babysit after a long day.

This is a fair point.

ThreeLittleDots · 19/12/2022 21:55

My friend was all up for looking after her grandson. However he's a terror and she's never volunteered!

MintJulia · 19/12/2022 21:55

Bananarama21 · 19/12/2022 20:33

Your a sahm what childcare do you need? Get a babysitter if you want to go out on a date like everyone else.

This.

Pair up with another mum and swap babysitting. I'm a single mum with no support at all, I manage.

Untitledsquatboulder · 19/12/2022 22:09

Of course you need a break, esp if you are a SAHM. Sadly your parents/inlaws like to talk the talk not walk the walk.

So use a babysitter so you can go out.

And as for your parents/inlaws - do less. Less favours, less running around after them, less making an effort to fit them into your lives - let them sort their own shit out (just as you have to) and let them make the effort if they want a relationship with their grandchild. You concentrate on your dh, your child and your friendships.

Untitledsquatboulder · 19/12/2022 22:11

echt · 19/12/2022 21:47

MN bingo.

And maybe the GPs will cut the OP out their Will for not being helpful.

Show quote history

So what if they do? Running round after people for 30 years on the basis that they might leave you something doesn't sound like much of a plan, it sounds like a recipe for resentment and a miserable life. Theres a pretty good chance it'll all go on care home fees anyway.

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