No help from grandparents

[misspattycake]

When I was pregnant both my MIL and my Parents said not to worry about babysitting and how much they wanted to help and yet my baby is almost two now and neither have helped except for 2 hours when she was 6 months old. I'm a sahm and it makes me feel really sad that they never want or offer to help ever. I have nobody else I can ask to watch him. Both my DH and I have begged our parents for just an hour or so to go on a date or to get things done as I feel like I'm drowning in things to get done but I'm never able. This means we have never been able to be alone together since he was born except when he's asleep (and he's been a terrible sleeper). Aibu to feel really resentful especially when they ask us to do things to help them or for us to go out of our way for them or they make passive aggressive comments about not seeing the baby enough but then expect me to do all the childcare and running after the baby when we are with them. I feel like yes it was our choice to have a child but I can't ever imagine not helping our child when they are a parent if they needed a break or were really struggling. These are all healthy 50-60 year olds and I've never asked for more than an hour or so and definitely not regular childcare.

You'll get slated on this thread, but YANBU. Having a trusted person to take the baby off your hands for a few hours makes such a huge difference. I'm 37 weeks pregnant and my MIL gave my husband a restaurant voucher and an offer to babysit for his birthday, she took our little one for a few hours last weekend so we could get stuff done, and will be picking him up from crèche one day this week just so it's not the first time when I go into hospital to have the new baby.

Families should help each other out. If yours aren't willing to help you, that's sad, but don't feel under any obligation to help them.

I don't really have anything to add but to say that you do get used to it, and get through the yucky bit using babysitters and childminders.

Unfortunately, whatever we want the world to look like, it often isn't that way. And we can't make grandparents spend time with their grandchildren. Both sets of grandparents in our family are in effect, duds. And as the children have got older they don't really want to spend time with them as it was always a bit of forced jollity. We muddled through OK, some bits were harder than others. But as we built our network of 'mum' friends and the sleepovers started to kick in we found we had more child free evenings and could have more date nights.

As rough as it feels right now, it does pass.

Many parents often say they would love to babysit.however the reality is a crying baby. Often less likely to settle without mum and dad.although in their 50s and 60s still tiring.i would say to them you would like a night off.maybe they would be more willing as he gets older.maybe step back from helping them out too often if they are unwilling

The only thing I find odd is the fact they offered, that would annoy me a bit. If someone said from the start they would not be available, or just didn't offer, then to be honest I wouldn't think anything of it.

Grandparents have had their kids and are under no obligation in my opinion.

This is the case of my parents and in-laws. They are all in their late 40s or very early 50s. I am pregnant. I don’t think the in-laws will be that involved, but my parents will as much as they can (obviously they work too). OP only wants her parents to babysit every now and again, not on a regular basis because she doesn’t work.

Aibu to feel really resentful especially when they ask us to do things to help them or for us to go out of our way for them or they make passive aggressive comments about not seeing the baby enough

@misspattycake stop doing favours for them! If they want to see the baby more then are they free one Friday night? They can babysit whilst you go out.

then expect me to do all the childcare and running after the baby when we are with them.

If you are there, I would expect it to be you though!

when they ask us to do things to help them or for us to go out of our way for them

What sort of things are they asking?

or they make passive aggressive comments about not seeing the baby enough

If they say they want to see the baby then, ask them round?

My parents would, and did, babysit in circumstances like that. They would make the long journey on Friday night two-three times a year, and babysit on Saturday night. They’d leave and travel back on Sunday. As they got a bit older, though, they found the journey too hard and they no longer visit at all.

Even working grandparents should be able to sacrifice a Friday evening or 2 a year to babysit. It's a choice not to
Why on earth should anyone have to sacrifice their friday night (or any other night)
No grandparent or any other relative is obliged to babysit/do childcare.
Not everyone will get this wonderful bucolic lifestyle many of the responders here have, or think they and other mothers should have. Life ain't all Carry Grant and Doris Day

We always knew that due to age and distance that grandparent babysitting wasn't in the equation, so no disappointments there. We've had 3 hours in 12 years so I could attend a funeral without toddlers.

There isn't anyone to babysit because DS1 is autistic and it would be deeply unfair to leave him with a (vetted) stranger. The people who used to babsit occasionally when he was younger have got older, gone to uni, had their own families and I've run out of appropriate contacts to ask (I do pay!)
As a result it's been 3.5 years since DH and I had an evening out as a couple as both children were on Cub camp.

It is hard to not get a change of dynamic and time as a couple.

Grandparents are a luxury and a nice perk if you hit the jackpot on interested, local ones of just the right age. It's not fair if they give mixed messages, want everything on their own terms, expect favours but don't give much back. It's easier when you know not to expect anything.

True nobody is obliged to do anything. It's fine if their not bothered, their choice. Makes for a very superficial relationship, but that's their choice.
I still don't think it's unreasonable to expect a little help and support from family. A few hours a year isn't a big ask so I think it's fair be disappointed when it's not forthcoming.

Really believe in it takes a village to raise a child.

Some parents are helpful others aren't. My parents help and babysit when I have appointment or I'm poorly. My in-laws they're not so keen.

You won’t get much empathy on mumsnet with kind of situation….!

FWIW would be upset too. I think it’s a babyboomer thing as my grandparents where the opposite yet parents and in laws barely every helped out.

YANBU to be upset that they do not want to give what they said they would, and equally, they are not obligated. It's hard not to be disappointed, especially when so many people around seem to have regular weekends/evenings childfree. I am in your camp, and though it's slightly disappointing to have been offered a day of childcare to help us with nursery fees, in reality it wasn't really something they wanted us to take them up on and that is their prerogative. I just wish some grandparents would own that they don't want to be a part of the kids lives in that way rather than this ridiculous game where they say they want to see the kids and make that a failing on your part, but in reality they do nothing to facilitate. The sooner you accept the reality and decide you don't need to be running around after them when it isn't reciprocated, the better it will be for you. And get a babysitter/swap childcare with another SAHP - this is what we did.

It's a shame and I'd certainly want to be more helpful as a grandparent BUT having said that, you can't blame anyone else for not having had a date night. You could pay for a baby sitter like many people do.

We never got any help from my parents or in-laws but that was a geographical thing: both sets lived over 150 miles away. I was a WOHM too, so we paid childcare for 3 children! Then if we wanted a night out, we'd pay a local babysitter. It was a financial struggle but it's what many people do.

You're in the fortunate position of not even needing to pay childcare as you're a SAHM, so tbh you're just talking about paying for an occasional evening out.

It's just not worth getting really upset over. There may be many reasons why the gp's don't feel able to mind your children, but it's not an automatic entitlement you have. Just move beyond it.

They’re your children. You chose to become parents. Your parents didn’t choose to become grandparents, they had that title bestowed on them when you became parents. The fact that they haven’t turned out to be your ‘ideal’ grandparents must be disappointing but it’s just tough.

MN seems to think that you should never expect help from grandparents.

However back in the real world, yes that is absolutely shit of them and I would be upset as well.

Yeah, unfortunately if nobody wants to look after your child for free, you'll have to pay someone to do it.

Sympathy OP, I’m in a similar situation.

This is really odd, especially when they said before that they would help! No advice but you have my sympathy. Sometimes you just need an hour or two to yourselves and I wouldn't always feel comfortable asking a babysitter for that especially if they were coming to the house.

I understand how you feel because I’ve never had any help either.
It helped me to pull back all support for extended family. My struggles aren’t their problem, but their struggles aren’t my problem either. They focus on themselves and I focus on my DC. It’s sad, but they are a dysfunctional lot anyway.

I think it's a boomer mentality tbh. They see themselves as eternally young and so why would they do the granny routine? Massive generalisation but I think there's something in it. I think it's OTT to expect regular weekly childcare but the odd hour or two is hardly excessive.

I would be absolutely aggrieved if GP were uninterested in GC to that point. And I get what you say about them not helping when you're there - I remember DC being toddling age and wanting to walk round holding a finger or hands the whole time, or be carried about to look at things. Visiting IL, neither PIL or DIL and SIL would bother, they'd sit and watch us walk them around and around and around when I would really have liked to sit and drink tea for two minutes. Not long, just a few minutes. It's a bit better now DC are older and can read books with them etc but they've still never had sole charge of them.

I think younger generations have more of an idea of people being interconnected and less individualistic, whether it's through the housing market being screwed or whatever. Of course your kids are your responsibility, but if you have a family there should be some attempt to provide support otherwise those family bonds are meaningless. With the way finances are going, it's increasingly not actually possible to have kids without family support. The single salary and a SAHM that boomers had is not viable in most of the country.

TBH I would be bearing it in mind in future years when they start saying they need help getting to doctors appointments and fixing their gutters etc.

That's shit OP. It's not just the fact that you don't get any help, but also that your kids are missing out on a close relationship with their grandparents.
My parents help out loads with my DC and it is lovely to see how close they are, it's a very special relationship and while some bits are tiring for my parents, looking after them has given them so much joy. So it's not just your loss, it's also your parents' and PIL's loss. It's sad and I understand how it must make you feel. Unfortunately, you can't force them to be involved with your kids so I'd try and accept it as one of those things in life you can't change. Move on and only do the bare minimum for them.

I think an element is around family structure. Lots of boomers moved away from family for work/to new towns, and didn't have support from their own parents with children. When i was growing up in a new town with boomer parents everyone's grandparents lived 2 or 3 hours away, there weren't any picking up at school gates and it was really unusual to see them every week.

As a result they don't see themselves as having to offer that support to their own children.

I think it's mean not to help when you've said you would. Otherwise it's not unreasonable to decide that you brought up your own child(ren) and don't want to do any more of it.

Also we only have one side of the story here. Is your child difficult? Are you very fussy? Some people might think they're leaving well alone if they are going to keep getting told off for getting things wrong.

I was a full time working mum then became a childminder and was thus at home with my own 3 children plus mindees so it was full-on. Never had help, it didn’t occur to me that this is what happened in families. My parents did live 120 miles away mind and were busy raising their other grandchildren while my sister “had a break” and my in-laws were elderly so we’d enjoy visiting. No babysitting or childcare: we just accepted it.

Yours is a different situation and I can understand why you’re sad but it’s better to let go of the hope and expectation and accept that this is the way things are. Sorry!