No help from grandparents

[misspattycake]

When I was pregnant both my MIL and my Parents said not to worry about babysitting and how much they wanted to help and yet my baby is almost two now and neither have helped except for 2 hours when she was 6 months old. I'm a sahm and it makes me feel really sad that they never want or offer to help ever. I have nobody else I can ask to watch him. Both my DH and I have begged our parents for just an hour or so to go on a date or to get things done as I feel like I'm drowning in things to get done but I'm never able. This means we have never been able to be alone together since he was born except when he's asleep (and he's been a terrible sleeper). Aibu to feel really resentful especially when they ask us to do things to help them or for us to go out of our way for them or they make passive aggressive comments about not seeing the baby enough but then expect me to do all the childcare and running after the baby when we are with them. I feel like yes it was our choice to have a child but I can't ever imagine not helping our child when they are a parent if they needed a break or were really struggling. These are all healthy 50-60 year olds and I've never asked for more than an hour or so and definitely not regular childcare.

Not sure what that face means. But it is shit if a grandparent can't be bothered at all. Relationships are a 2 way street. I don't understand why some people think they can just drop in and out when it suits - I've raised you to adulthood now you're on your own until I'm old and need you. No. It's lazy and it's selfish.

Sounds familiar OP. When I was pregnant with DS my parents made all sorts of noises about babysitting and childcare and it never materialised.
In laws decided to move a 4 hour drive away so they "didn't have to spend their retirement looking after grandchildren."
I understand and respect that they have done their time raising children but both had masses of help from grandparents- I remember my parents going on cruises and leaving us with grandparents who also looked after us 1 day per week and whenever we were sick.
MIL and FIL went on a 1 week holiday just the two of them every year and always harp on about how important it is to have time as a couple but never offer to help.
Main difference I would say is age - my grandparents were younger than my parents are so had more energy and the fact that both my brother and DH's sister had babies very soon after we had DS so suddenly there were more grandchildren in the frame whereas my brother and I were the only grandchildren for 10 years until my cousins were born.

Well we never got help now Im expected to drop everything for my mam. Its not nice. Not everyone can afford babysitters either. Mine much older now so Im free but yes it did hurt at the time.

I agree relationships are a two-way street, I do you a favour you do me a favour etc,
however, others appear to regard it as a hierarchy where they are always at the top and those below are obligated to obey

That's because in her mind she is always the boss and you have to obey her, (obviously you are free to act in accordance with your mindset and not hers)

You are not being unreasonable. I think it's normal for grandparents to want to help out and babysit. However, I haven't had the help either and I spent months being very upset and resentful about it. I've determined not to be now because it is ultimately me who is the one getting upset, so why upset myself when they are unlikely to change. You should tell them how you feel though (I did and it didn't change anything in the long term)

Sounds familiar! My mum still thinks she can tell
me what to do and she’s in charge. Despite the fact l am in my 40’s, have a couple of degrees, a responsible job, my own house etc. Sparks then fly, when lm other wise engaged or just don’t want to do something she’s asked me to do

imo you have to politely but firmly shut her down, she may not even realise, I mean it may not be conscious & deliberate, more a 'default' thing....she's just unable to let go of the feeling from when you were a child that she is THE BOSS

@Soothsayer1 this exactly the approach l go with. Plus super calm as she often gets super worked up.

Yanbu what is wrong with people. They say they wanna be involved but they don't really. Yet in 10/20 years time when they need help they prob call you. Frustrating. My ils are amazing - live in a different country but have flown in to babysit for a w/e! But we treat them. Eg DH is bringing his dad on a walking w/e. My mum is local does what she can helps with lifts or when kids sick etc (never use them as 'regular' minders like) My mum a widow & I do all her life admin, book tickets, memberships call to see her for the chats bring her out or over to ours for dinner etc it's a two way street you get what you put in to life.

I wish I had that much self control, I just threw my toys outta the pram & never spoke again one day, over 30 years now😶

@Ginseng1 you sound like a nice friendly people person who's naturally good at being a host & socialising?
I just have the wrong personality for that...I cant help it😬

Ok so in 2 years they haven’t helped. Be pissed at them and solve your problem. They aren’t going to change.

Get a sitter in, while you are home to watch the kids while you get caught up on whatever… now when you are comfortable with that sitter then use them so you and DH can start getting out.

after reading all these messages , it is not GP responsibility to have grandkids , I had 6 kids no help as such , but certainly did not ask , sae my parents and in laws but only occasionally babySat and date nights I'm afraid are out , I used to pay a sitter , I have grandkids very hands on the younger ones I have overnight at my home , if you have kids they are your responsibility also once you are retired most people are looking forward to me time , I for one am looking forward to doing all the things with my husband we have put on hold travelling etc and enjoying dates yes dates ,having said that I would help