No help from grandparents

[misspattycake]

When I was pregnant both my MIL and my Parents said not to worry about babysitting and how much they wanted to help and yet my baby is almost two now and neither have helped except for 2 hours when she was 6 months old. I'm a sahm and it makes me feel really sad that they never want or offer to help ever. I have nobody else I can ask to watch him. Both my DH and I have begged our parents for just an hour or so to go on a date or to get things done as I feel like I'm drowning in things to get done but I'm never able. This means we have never been able to be alone together since he was born except when he's asleep (and he's been a terrible sleeper). Aibu to feel really resentful especially when they ask us to do things to help them or for us to go out of our way for them or they make passive aggressive comments about not seeing the baby enough but then expect me to do all the childcare and running after the baby when we are with them. I feel like yes it was our choice to have a child but I can't ever imagine not helping our child when they are a parent if they needed a break or were really struggling. These are all healthy 50-60 year olds and I've never asked for more than an hour or so and definitely not regular childcare.

@Muddlingthroughthis yep my child's grandparents want lots of photographs and to show off about him, and I'm sure they pretend to friends they see him more often than they do. Reality is we've had no real parental support. I certainly won't be going out of my way for them anymore and I'm sure you wont with your mother!

I've also got an older sister who lives nearby, no children and doesn't work, who has only visited twice.

We have no grandparent help at all for four different reasons (death, disease, distance etc).

It is a WORLD of difference from those parents who gets loads of help and don’t realise how privileged they are.

I can’t imagine how much easier life would be if we had someone who was happy to have him for an hour or two, or do pickups, or even sleepovers.

Nearly every other parent I know has those things, and it’s hard.

my child's grandparents want lots of photographs and to show off about him, and I'm sure they pretend to friends they see him more often than they do
hmm, I think what they are really doing is bragging to each other about the number of 'underlings' they have at their command....
'look at MY support network, all these people will be round my house looking after me when I'm old' kinda thing....

....because they see themselves as the top of a hierarchy where those below are obligated to to their bidding

I just can't relate to comments about 'your children, your responsibility'. Of course that's true. But is it really that hard for someone to put themselves out a bit and do something nice for someone? Especially as it's their own child? And they're struggling?!

I mean strictly speaking the only person I have any responsibility for is my young son. Does that mean I'm never expected to do anything nice for anyone in life apart from him?! What a miserable life that would be.

I'm really hoping to have a full and active life when I'm in my 60s and certainly won't be doing childcare 5 days a week, but a few hours of babysitting is nothing!

In real life I don't know anyone with local family that doesn't get help from them.

It’s a shame they’re not more keen to help out. It might change when your child gets older. As you have said he is a bad sleeper so perhaps that is putting them off? I think you’re being a bit unreasonable to expect them to take over when you go round to their house. I hope it gets better for you as you do need a break!

Your parents looked after you and brought you up, they owe you nothing more. Pay for a babysitter if you are drowning that much.

Then expect me to do all the childcare and running after the baby when we are with them

That comment says it all.

People do, but they want their own lives too.

Occasional baby sitting so you can go out with your partner is hardly entitled or asking a lot It isn't, but it's not outrageous to pay for a babysitter, either.

Also depends on how many kids. One well behaved one who stays in bed, fine. A family of four who run around and won't go to bed, not fine.

It's not a transaction. Of course, the OP may have a busy life and not be able to help. But a tit for tat is just childish.

I think its nice to help the odd time. My sister has twins but they bit older now. Op prob like our mam you cant change them if they wont help. Everyone needs the odd break from it all.

But relationships are transactional to some extent, even if not deliberately.

When they complain they don’t see him enough offer them a few specific dates they could have him for a couple of hours while you get xyz done. If they say no then shrug and say oh well just let me know when you do want to have him. Then next time they complain about it, a tilted head and confused ‘but I’ve offered you lots of dates and you say no.’ End of discussion.

When they ask you for a favour say no sorry you’ve got too much on your plate.

Of course they don’t have to help but you don’t have to let it get to you. Accept it for what it is and crack on with using paid babysitters like the other parents who don’t have grandparents available or willing to help. But don’t entertain their complaints about not seeing him enough or asking you to go out of your way to spend your time on helping them.

as a general rule I don’t think it is unusual to think it would be nice for grandparents to take an interest in their grandchildren and to want to help their kids catch a break. It’s also kind of a generational thing that should be passed forward, as in our grandparents helped our parents when we were kids, so now our parents should maybe do the same. If my DC have DC, then I will be offering a lot more help than we got. Not just hands on help but taking an interest.

To the OP: it sucks but it’s a good lesson in not taking them at their word.

Sounds like a lot of bitter fixation from other users solely on your being a sahm. Being a sahm has it’s own drawbacks, particularly bring lonely or isolated from adult company. Grass is always greener, a lot of women want to be stay at homes. I think most gps want to take their grandkids for an evening every now and then, some really want to and are never given that much time with their dgc. It’s a sad situation and you’re clearly struggling. Ignore the nasty “get a babysitter” comments, they all assume you can afford to on one wage.

My own mother is like this, if she does agree to have DD it's always made to seem like such a burden (maybe twice a year) despite her looking after my nephews all the time! doing school runs, looking after the baby, always helping out. She's a young retiree, so is fully fit and capable. Just not when it comes to my child apparently. My favourite excuse when I asked her to watch DD on a Sunday so I could go to work as MIL available was ''But I have to make Sunday Lunch that day so I can't'' And then has the audacity to complain about never seeing her, when she makes no effort to visit her ever!
Luckily enough my MIL is an absolute godsend and is the only reason I was able to go back to work at all as any nursery fee's would have outstripped my earnings! And I can't finish work till 8pm with no flexibility so wouldn't have been able to even pay for childcare.

Pay a childminder /baby sitter. Like everyone else?

Some people are used to getting everything for free from others. They are just entitled to it you know!

There is no 'like everyone else'
I help my Mum as she's in her eighties; she helped my kids.
There is no 'entitled'; it's just how a family works.
I want to see my grandchildren.
Shocking I know.

May be they’ll help with school runs? Or May be they won’t. Asking to look after a baby is not entirely reasonable.
if OPs full time job is “being a mum”, what’s the moan about?

You help your mum because she raised YOU. That’s how families work.

I was partly raised by my grandparents.
If that's ok with you jazz
I would help a stranger more than some people would help their own family,
So weird and not what's common in other countries.
It explains the nursing home culture though.

I totally empathise. I was promised all this help, etc. Which obviously never materialised. It's even worse with the second as people who were there for me for the first just haven't been second time round.

My mum was complaining about her colleagues who look after their grandchildren on their day off and I said that's how some people survive then reminded her that we were shipped off to our grandparents for the whole summer holidays 100 miles away 😂 and asked her what they would have done if they couldn't do that.

My in laws are quite good at coming to ours when babies are in bed so we can go out for a meal,could you ask that? Our kidsdont sleep either but they do that evening stretch Admittedly we don't do it often but it's nice to know it's an option. My in laws are much better than my own family although it is still much less than my friends seem to have.

Tbh if my mum looked up from her phone when me and the kids came in that would be nice!

That's quite unkind. Next time they ask for help say you can't.

That’s what your grandparents wanted to do. It’s about having that choice. There is no right or wrong in choosing either way.

It's a bit shit to choose not to make an effort though.

we were shipped off to our grandparents for the whole summer holidays 100 miles away
Same here, and I know that my mother did that because she dislikes children and for the same reason she wanted nothing to do with her own grandchildren
She is a dog person🐾 presumably her flock of dogs are now getting busy organising to take her to the doctor's get her shopping for her take her to the toilet etc 🐶