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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Awkward situation at work

366 replies

BluesandReds · 19/12/2022 18:14

I'm good friends with my boss. She's the top boss - I'm just a minion, several rungs below. We have a lot in common and share a hobby so we see each other socially and are in touch most days.

We seem to have this rule that neither of us have ever really stated to each other, but we both adhere to - we never discuss work. We never talk about colleagues, and if there's anything work related like holidays, changing a shift, then I go through the right channels; there's I suspect this is partly why our friendship works.

A colleague who is the same 'rank' as me is after a promotion, I'm quite close to her as a friend too, and I think a lot of her. But she has asked me to put in a good word for her, which I can't do. I've tried explaining to her that the boss and I never discuss work and I wouldn't dream of getting involved but she's being adamant.

She's text me tonight asking if I've said anything yet, and that if she doesn't get the promotion then she'll be very disappointed that I didn't fight her corner.

I'm getting a bit annoyed now that she's not listening - what can I say/do?

OP posts:
Forthelast · 31/12/2022 13:28

Ursuladevine · 31/12/2022 10:02

Op

Whilst you have clearly not discussed work with your boss outside of work

you have failed to be discrete in work with colleagues about your social relationship with your boss outside of work.

You discretion should have been applied both outside work with your boss and inside work with your colleagues

How has she failed to be discreet?

Discrete is like separate entities btw.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/12/2022 13:51

I don’t think there was any need to have been secretive. Better to be transparent. OP clearly isn’t having favourable treatment as a result so she and boss have nothing to hide.

CF ex friend has really shout herself in the foot.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 31/12/2022 13:51

*shot

Original poster
BluesandReds · 31/12/2022 13:56

Ursuladevine · 31/12/2022 10:40

Exactly

but the OP has clearly made it very clear to colleagues that outside of work… the boss and her are close.

Show quote history

I do see the thinking here and I would likely assume the same - but honestly the friendship is 'known' in terms of the hobby only.

Exactly as PP describes, it's just known that we share this and do the same events. I've never mentioned the boss except when answering a question, eg:
"What are you up to this weekend?"
"I've got an event, really looking forward to it."
"Oh okay! Is (Boss) going too?"
"Yes. Did you see X on TV last night?"

We both train almost daily so we chat nutrition, plans, injuries, and we keep each other going. The first time we did an event together, neither of us knew we'd both be there!

We stayed together, and she had a tough time of it, I made sure she was okay, told her stupid funny stories to keep motivation up, and shared the resources I had, and sacrificed a PB to stick with her, just like I would do with anyone that needed help. We finished, it was a PB for her and I think that experience created a bond! I'm slightly more experienced hobby wise only as I've been doing it a long time.

This is so outing now but I don't think I've done anything wrong so if colleague sees this, then at least she'll know I didn't say anything!

Thank you so much for the support. I know its an anon forum but I feel reassured!

OP posts:
red4321 · 31/12/2022 14:19

Sounds like you support each other in a positive way while doing something you both enjoy.

I'm not really sure why you've been given a hard time for being good friends with your boss. We're human beings beyond our work, and if you enjoy spending time with each other, there's nothing inappropriate in that (particularly given you don't discuss work issues).

T1Dmama · 31/12/2022 17:33

Well her complaint has just shown how unprofessional she is and her texts to you confirm that! If she gets the promotion in 6 months time I’ll be surprised!! Hopefully she’ll now leave.

XanaduKira · 31/12/2022 20:23

T1Dmama · 31/12/2022 17:33

Well her complaint has just shown how unprofessional she is and her texts to you confirm that! If she gets the promotion in 6 months time I’ll be surprised!! Hopefully she’ll now leave.

I was thinking the same.

Zax · 31/12/2022 20:35

💤

AdopterMum · 31/12/2022 20:52

Zax · 31/12/2022 20:35

💤

Then go somewhere else! 🙄

Zax · 31/12/2022 20:55

AdopterMum · 31/12/2022 20:52

Then go somewhere else! 🙄

Show quote history

So rude.
And Happy New Year to you. 😁

limitededitionbarbie · 31/12/2022 21:17

God your colleague sounds awful.

Imagine blaming you because she didn't get the job.

I'd be putting in a counter grievance about her asking you to recommend her and pulling this when you rightly advised you couldn't.

Happy new year.

RethinkingLife · 01/01/2023 00:01

Sorry to read your update, OP.

Seconding everyone who advised screenshotting your exchanges before they're deleted.

christmasfairy22 · 01/01/2023 01:23

Your colleague sounds like a right mare - it's blown up in her face and I'm not surprised she wasn't considered suitable for promotion, she would have been a terrible manager.

You, on the other hand, sound lovely!

AliceAbsolum · 01/01/2023 04:24

Is the hobby triathlons?

Forthelast · 01/01/2023 10:40

AliceAbsolum · 01/01/2023 04:24

Is the hobby triathlons?

If she wanted to tell you she would have said.

hotdiggetydog · 01/01/2023 10:45

One rule I live my life by is NEVER have friends at work. Appreciate different here

Ursuladevine · 01/01/2023 11:03

hotdiggetydog · 01/01/2023 10:45

One rule I live my life by is NEVER have friends at work. Appreciate different here

What do you mean? Never socialise with people outside of work or never talk to anyone at work about anything other than work in any shape or form? And form no relationship with anyone in work beyond 100% work?

hotdiggetydog · 01/01/2023 11:47

Ursuladevine · 01/01/2023 11:03

What do you mean? Never socialise with people outside of work or never talk to anyone at work about anything other than work in any shape or form? And form no relationship with anyone in work beyond 100% work?

Show quote history

Don't have mates at work beyond small talk and chit chat. No colleagues on social media. Leave the Xmas do after two drinks. Etc, Keep your home and work life separate.

Ursuladevine · 01/01/2023 12:10

hotdiggetydog · 01/01/2023 11:47

Don't have mates at work beyond small talk and chit chat. No colleagues on social media. Leave the Xmas do after two drinks. Etc, Keep your home and work life separate.

Show quote history

Office?

How long have you been there?

sue20 · 01/01/2023 13:26

What she was doing was pretty outrageous. If it had been one cheeky ask then never mentioned again well OKish. Her continued persistence and lack of respect towards you said all. I think not quite the Ickes unfortunately. Sounds like she has issues

hotdiggetydog · 01/01/2023 15:31

Ursuladevine · 01/01/2023 12:10

Office?

How long have you been there?

Show quote history

8 years

LadyDanburysHat · 01/01/2023 17:56

Wow, that is quite the update. She is going to be on shaky ground since you have all of those texts from her. I can imagine she will at least get a formal warning for the lies and malicious complaint.

Ursuladevine · 01/01/2023 18:01

hotdiggetydog · 01/01/2023 15:31

8 years

Show quote history

Can’t imagine sharing an office with someone who seems nice when we first asked the “lite” questions and not, over 8 years, that developing in to a friendship. When I would see them five days a week, 8 hours a day. But each to their own.

hotdiggetydog · 01/01/2023 18:37

Ursuladevine · 01/01/2023 18:01

Can’t imagine sharing an office with someone who seems nice when we first asked the “lite” questions and not, over 8 years, that developing in to a friendship. When I would see them five days a week, 8 hours a day. But each to their own.

Show quote history

It's just odd in my opinion to foster anything more than civility. They'll f-ck you over at the earliest opportunity if it meant furthering their career. Best avoided.

Ursuladevine · 01/01/2023 19:10

hotdiggetydog · 01/01/2023 18:37

It's just odd in my opinion to foster anything more than civility. They'll f-ck you over at the earliest opportunity if it meant furthering their career. Best avoided.

Show quote history

Ah ok then. Not something I have ever experienced but if that’s been your experience multiple times… then I would probably also share that view