Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Awkward situation at work

366 replies

BluesandReds · 19/12/2022 18:14

I'm good friends with my boss. She's the top boss - I'm just a minion, several rungs below. We have a lot in common and share a hobby so we see each other socially and are in touch most days.

We seem to have this rule that neither of us have ever really stated to each other, but we both adhere to - we never discuss work. We never talk about colleagues, and if there's anything work related like holidays, changing a shift, then I go through the right channels; there's I suspect this is partly why our friendship works.

A colleague who is the same 'rank' as me is after a promotion, I'm quite close to her as a friend too, and I think a lot of her. But she has asked me to put in a good word for her, which I can't do. I've tried explaining to her that the boss and I never discuss work and I wouldn't dream of getting involved but she's being adamant.

She's text me tonight asking if I've said anything yet, and that if she doesn't get the promotion then she'll be very disappointed that I didn't fight her corner.

I'm getting a bit annoyed now that she's not listening - what can I say/do?

OP posts:
LaDamaDeElche · 21/12/2022 19:21

Wouldn't that basically be nepotism if you talked your friend into giving her the promotion. No one in any office has any respect for that. Shit that she's pressuring you. I would see her as a "friend" after that tbh.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 21/12/2022 19:24

BluesandReds · 19/12/2022 18:14

I'm good friends with my boss. She's the top boss - I'm just a minion, several rungs below. We have a lot in common and share a hobby so we see each other socially and are in touch most days.

We seem to have this rule that neither of us have ever really stated to each other, but we both adhere to - we never discuss work. We never talk about colleagues, and if there's anything work related like holidays, changing a shift, then I go through the right channels; there's I suspect this is partly why our friendship works.

A colleague who is the same 'rank' as me is after a promotion, I'm quite close to her as a friend too, and I think a lot of her. But she has asked me to put in a good word for her, which I can't do. I've tried explaining to her that the boss and I never discuss work and I wouldn't dream of getting involved but she's being adamant.

She's text me tonight asking if I've said anything yet, and that if she doesn't get the promotion then she'll be very disappointed that I didn't fight her corner.

I'm getting a bit annoyed now that she's not listening - what can I say/do?

Initially I as going to agree with a pp who advised to advocate for your friend if asked. However, I think your colleague is very unprofessional and acting inappropriately.
Your colleague is pestering you.
I would tell her to stop it and not ask again.

Magenta82 · 21/12/2022 19:25

How did it go today? Has she tried again?

July70 · 21/12/2022 19:28

FFS, grow up, OP :(

GrasstrackGirl · 21/12/2022 19:32

July70 · 21/12/2022 19:28

FFS, grow up, OP :(

I don't think that the OP is the one who needs to grow up.

Colourmehappy26 · 21/12/2022 19:35

ahh so pushy. You definitely did the right thing

nomcachange · 21/12/2022 19:46

I can’t believe she is still at it, like a dog with a bone! She is a CF and she sounds like a user. I would totally ditch!

nomcachange · 21/12/2022 19:47

July70 · 21/12/2022 19:28

FFS, grow up, OP :(

Eh ?!

GreekGod · 21/12/2022 20:31

oh my goodness - tell her to get lost, what a cheek

Perinnialdreamer · 21/12/2022 20:34

Calmdown14 · 19/12/2022 18:51

She needs the 'shit sandwich '. Something positive, the bad bit, finish with something positive.

You are really good at the job and I'm sure your application is excellent.
As I've said, we don't discuss work and it's not my place to make such a recommendation.
You want to know you got this on merit and I'm sure that you will.

I quite like this shit sandwich thingie! I will use it :-P

SenecaFallsRedux · 21/12/2022 20:49

I'm a bit confused about the "on your own merit" part. Isn't what other people think of a person an important aspect of "their own merit." I'm not sure that what the friend is asking is all that out of line. But suggesting she use her as a reference might be a good way to formalize it, assuming the OP would in fact put in a good word.

I also think it is very tricky to have a close social relationship with someone you work with. I have managed it, but it is hard sometimes. I understand about not talking about work outside work is important, but why can't the "good word" be put in at work. Where I work, that would not be considered out of order, but workplace cultures differ, so that might not be appropriate in this instance.

CountlesScreamingArgonauts · 21/12/2022 21:09

I'll never understand how people can be so pushy. I cringe at the very thought of asking something like that for a first time, let alone after getting a 'no' response.

StClare101 · 21/12/2022 21:14

“I’ve already told you we don’t discuss work and frankly I’m disappointed you are trying to put me in this situation. It would not work out well for you or for me. Don’t ask me again.”

Bakingto · 21/12/2022 22:03

That's a brillant message. Well done!

Efrogwraig · 21/12/2022 22:22

Grumpyoldpersonwithcats · 19/12/2022 18:18

Tell your colleague she can put you down as a reference. It's then up to your boss whether to talk to you or not.

Blimey no. This completely compromises you. DO NOT DO THIS. Remain neutral.

DobbleBobble · 21/12/2022 22:40

If you think your colleague would be good at the job I can't understand why you wouldn't just day that you heard that X applied and you think they'd be good. Recruitment is tough, on both ends, it's good to get the right people in.

T1Dmama · 21/12/2022 22:43

Tell her that you and your boss have this unwritten rule… and you know that ‘putting in a good word’ for this other friend will have the opposite effect that she desires, and also that you’ve every confidence that she can get the promotion by her own merit and not by cheating.
id also ask her not to put you in the middle as it’s unfair… and tell her she shouldn’t be asking you to do this anymore than you’d expect the boss to ask you what your honest opinion of the other this.

It isn’t very professional and I wonder if she’s ready for the promotion if she
needs your help!!!

WiddlinDiddlin · 21/12/2022 22:44

If she persists (and if you don't mind burning your bridges, which if she persists, you might not)...

"This sort of exchange and pressure is exactly the reason I don't talk about work with the friends I work with. I am now unlikely to recommend you for the position, if asked, as your inability to respect my perfectly reasonable and clearly stated boundaries does not fit with the role you are seeking!' .

And then IF boss friend asks, in work time, if you'd recommend her you can say

'I would have, but shes repeatedly leaned on me to put in a good word for her and use my position as your friend to increase her chances of promotion, despite clear indication that I will not do that, and do not appreciate being asked to cross that personal boundary.'

anon666 · 21/12/2022 23:55

Part of me thinks you could pretend you did but don't. I dunno, some people are so pushy. Also it really doesn't work that way in the real world. Why on earth would any employer take anyone on other than merit?

anon666 · 21/12/2022 23:58

Now I've RTFT I'm actually thinking you should send a message saying "What would you say if I forwarded all your messages to HR. Please desist from putting me in a compromised position"

Tiani4 · 22/12/2022 08:03

Well @BluesandReds you answered her very well with that text reply.
I would ignore all further texts on the matter.

I would've annoyed that this friend was trying to pressure me.

Brackensmomma · 22/12/2022 08:55

@BluesandReds
I suggest that you tell your friend/ work colleague. That if she carries on putting pressure on you to advocate for her to get the promotion you will have NO choice but to print off all your conversations about the subject and take them to HR and file a complaint about harassment which is bordering on bullying.

This may make your message get through to her that you are not going to get involved with her promotion.

She's harassing you at home and in work.
Personally after you send the message I'd block her number so that you can have a peaceful Christmas with your family.

I hope that you can get this sorted out sooner rather than later.

LoisLane66 · 22/12/2022 09:20

Just say 'No can do and please don't ask again as the answer is never going to change'.

Vynalbob · 22/12/2022 09:55

Grumpyoldpersonwithcats · 19/12/2022 18:18

Tell your colleague she can put you down as a reference. It's then up to your boss whether to talk to you or not.

Spot on answer.

Ursuladevine · 22/12/2022 09:59

Op

I know you and your boss never walk about work outside of work

but how come your colleagues know you and your boss are so close? You must talk about your non work relationship with your boss to your colleagues!

Swipe left for the next trending thread