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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Awkward situation at work

366 replies

BluesandReds · 19/12/2022 18:14

I'm good friends with my boss. She's the top boss - I'm just a minion, several rungs below. We have a lot in common and share a hobby so we see each other socially and are in touch most days.

We seem to have this rule that neither of us have ever really stated to each other, but we both adhere to - we never discuss work. We never talk about colleagues, and if there's anything work related like holidays, changing a shift, then I go through the right channels; there's I suspect this is partly why our friendship works.

A colleague who is the same 'rank' as me is after a promotion, I'm quite close to her as a friend too, and I think a lot of her. But she has asked me to put in a good word for her, which I can't do. I've tried explaining to her that the boss and I never discuss work and I wouldn't dream of getting involved but she's being adamant.

She's text me tonight asking if I've said anything yet, and that if she doesn't get the promotion then she'll be very disappointed that I didn't fight her corner.

I'm getting a bit annoyed now that she's not listening - what can I say/do?

OP posts:
DeliberatelyObtuse · 31/12/2022 08:54

MadeofElephantStone · 31/12/2022 06:50

Sorry it's come to this. By making unfounded claims out of spite she may have just shot herself in the foot with any future promotions. I'd be keeping a polite but breezy distance from her in future, she is no friend.

I agree with this completely

Try not to let this spoil your new year

MagentaRocks · 31/12/2022 08:54

georgarina · 31/12/2022 07:36

If you haven't, screenshot your conversation because she might delete her messages now. Good luck!

This. Make sure you have them saved.

sonjadog · 31/12/2022 08:55

She's not the smartest, is she? As said, make sure you screenshot.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 31/12/2022 09:22

Wow! What a really poor choice!
I think she's judged you by her own standards and doesn't even realise it! If she believed you she would realise complaining about nonexistent influence and knowing you've got it in writing you don't want to get involved is utterly self defeating!
So I think this is how she operates, undue influence and pulling social-connection levers.
She has demonstrated exactly that, cultivated your friendship for her own purposes, and simply can't believe you aren't the same.
All she had to do was play with a straight bat and in 6 months she'd be in the running. Now she's lobbed a hand grenade into her own life, demonstrated her lack of professional boundaries and will have to blame you cos she won't be able to accept she's been an utter knob to her own self.
Oh dear what a mess.

Sandra1984 · 31/12/2022 09:37

This situation was going to backfire on you no matter what, had you recommended her to boss as she wanted you would have been in hot water with the boss, had you done nothing (what you did) friend would be angry at you (which is just what happened). Ultimately you need to decide who you want to be on good terms with, the boss or the so called “friend”. I believe you did the right thing OP.

GrasstrackGirl · 31/12/2022 09:42

Your 'friend'needs to be careful as if she has worked there for less than two years she can be sacked for practically any reason unless it's discriminatory.

Eddielizzard · 31/12/2022 09:42

She's an idiot. You're playing it perfectly, she'll make her complaint, it will be all unfounded. I can see her upping sticks. Hopefully.

JoyPeaceSleep · 31/12/2022 09:49

Wow, what on earth could she be thinking??

You weren't going for the same job! You weren't discussing her with the boss!

Can she make a complaint that you acted professionally1? Confused

Puzzledandpissedoff · 31/12/2022 09:54

By making unfounded claims out of spite she may have just shot herself in the foot with any future promotions

There's no "may" about it since the boss sounds a decent type; she'll see straight through this idiot and with any luck she'll be gone soon - though doubtless she'll whine that she was hounded out by a cabal of workplace friends

Well done for keeping it dignified and professional, OP, though it would be entertaining if she came on here with some whinge and was instantly told to take them to a tribunal, contact ACAS, etc, by the "all bosses are b**tards" crowd

Ursuladevine · 31/12/2022 10:02

Op

Whilst you have clearly not discussed work with your boss outside of work

you have failed to be discrete in work with colleagues about your social relationship with your boss outside of work.

You discretion should have been applied both outside work with your boss and inside work with your colleagues

Ursuladevine · 31/12/2022 10:04

What is the actual grounds for her complaint? You would have seen it explicitly in writing

JauntyJinty · 31/12/2022 10:08

Ursuladevine · 31/12/2022 10:02

Op

Whilst you have clearly not discussed work with your boss outside of work

you have failed to be discrete in work with colleagues about your social relationship with your boss outside of work.

You discretion should have been applied both outside work with your boss and inside work with your colleagues

I've seen a few people saying thisbut I don't think it's that simple.

To an extent it depends on the hobby, if it's a book club then maybe you can get away with just not mentioning - but in most cases it'll be
"what did you do this weekend?"
"I did my hobby"
"Oh Boss does that hobby too, have you ever seen them?"
So what is OP supposed to do? Never speak about her hobby at all or lie about seeing the boss there?

Ursuladevine · 31/12/2022 10:10

We have a lot in common and share a hobby so we see each other socially and are in touch most days.

Clearly more than just a hobby.

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 31/12/2022 10:31

Ursuladevine · 31/12/2022 10:10

We have a lot in common and share a hobby so we see each other socially and are in touch most days.

Clearly more than just a hobby.

Not really. If they both have horses and use the same stables. Or do dog agility a couple if times a week and meet up for walks. Or part of a running club (coach to 5k style) that meet 3 times week. I'm sure there are many more.

Also, both the op and the boss are allowed to have friends in the same company. There is no rule against this, or that it should be kept secret. In fact having it out and open is better to avoid rumours of favouritism.

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 31/12/2022 10:34

Ursuladevine · 31/12/2022 10:02

Op

Whilst you have clearly not discussed work with your boss outside of work

you have failed to be discrete in work with colleagues about your social relationship with your boss outside of work.

You discretion should have been applied both outside work with your boss and inside work with your colleagues

Discreet. Discrete means something else.

Remona · 31/12/2022 10:36

Wow. She’s clearly not the sharpest knife in the drawer 😂

She has definitely got her just desserts but this is aggro you certainly don’t need. She’s shown what a user she is and she was never your friend. She doesn’t have a leg to stand on, particularly when you’ve the messages proving she was pushing you to put in a good word. It’s not a crime to be friends with your boss.

Ursuladevine · 31/12/2022 10:38

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 31/12/2022 10:34

Discreet. Discrete means something else.

Show quote history

So it does. Thanks

Ursuladevine · 31/12/2022 10:40

OhBeAFineGuyKissMe · 31/12/2022 10:31

Not really. If they both have horses and use the same stables. Or do dog agility a couple if times a week and meet up for walks. Or part of a running club (coach to 5k style) that meet 3 times week. I'm sure there are many more.

Also, both the op and the boss are allowed to have friends in the same company. There is no rule against this, or that it should be kept secret. In fact having it out and open is better to avoid rumours of favouritism.

Show quote history

Exactly

but the OP has clearly made it very clear to colleagues that outside of work… the boss and her are close.

Ursuladevine · 31/12/2022 10:41

In touch “most days”
See each other socially

for two adults… that is clearly a close relationship

EmergentThoughts · 31/12/2022 10:43

Except OP doesn't want to climb the greasy pole, is happy in her job as-is, and clearly doesn't leverage personal relationships to gain favour for herself and/or others. Not seeing the problem here.

Ursuladevine · 31/12/2022 10:45

My point is…. Probably would have been wise to apply her strict discretion rule inside aswell outside of work 🤷‍♀️

Ursuladevine · 31/12/2022 10:45

As this scenario would have been avoided for a start!

JauntyJinty · 31/12/2022 10:50

Ursuladevine · 31/12/2022 10:10

We have a lot in common and share a hobby so we see each other socially and are in touch most days.

Clearly more than just a hobby.

I'll assume that was in response to me?

If so surely that just makes it more likely it would come up in general conversation? Or that pics were shared on social media, or a 3rd member of staff saw them - or a dozen or so other ways they could have been "outed" without either of them being indiscreet

Why should OP and boss have to sneak around like they're having an affair just because they share an interest?

Iwanttoslowdown · 31/12/2022 10:56

Well handled OP btw

AllyArty · 31/12/2022 11:10

You are both showing your true colours. You are an honest good friend and colleague and she isn’t. Stay strong, be pleasant and let her dig her own grave. I know you like/d her but she doesn’t sound like a true friend to me.

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